Enamorados...

Trying to tell me something

2011-11-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

So, I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me something. I recently helped out with a class at church on Corporal Works of Mercy- I led the group in Spanish and it was a really great experience. The reading we focused on was about how we need to help other people by feeding, clothing, and spending time with them and how Jesus says, "that which you do to the least of my brothers, you do to me."

Then, I decided to go to mass with my parents on Sunday and admittedly, I haven't really been going regularly. The gospel? The same exact one we worked on a couple weeks ago. Coincidence?

On Saturday, I got a letter in the mail from St. Mike's reminding me to make a commitment for tithing for this coming year. Juan Carlos and I do share our money but tend to do it in big chunks on a personal basis, rather than weekly to church. I thought we had shared a lot this past year- bought stuff his mom needed, gave a couple hundred to someone struggling with cancer, and another several hundred to different families who had lost loved ones (often the providers in their families) here and in Mexico.

Yet, when I saw how much we were supposed to be tithing, well, even 2% of what we could be tithing, I was shocked. This would definitely feel like a sacrifice. Yet, I felt like I needed to go for it, in spite of our current financial situation...

Then, yesterday, I was listening to a podcast on real estate investing- the guy has like 70 and I happened to listen to number 65 or something- kind of random and the one I happened to listen to was about the man's journey into real estate investing and the role of his faith and God in it. He said whenever he hit a downturn, and finally remembered to do a re-evaluation of his life, he would realize his faith life was struggling, either because he was not tithing or he was not praying or something... he also mentioned the importance of generosity and how when he would start to give more of his money and his time, it would always come back to him many times over.

One of the Rich Dad CDs I was listening to mentioned the same thing- that when you want something, give first and then it will come back in buckets.

The idea always reminds me of a time I was in Mexico on my first mission trip. I was 16 years old and feeling left out and lonely. I was looking through the railing on a banister we were repainting and I saw a statue of St. Francis of Assissi and immediately the familiar tune started to play in my head. Make me a channel of your peace.... and the lines, "Oh master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul." And it occurred to me maybe I should reach out instead of expecting everyone else to reach out to me... I have often forgotten but often remembered this lesson in my life and it has always served me.

So, maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell me something...sometimes I think He may not be so subtle. I think we need to base our decisions, our meetings, our financial future in His hands and pray a little more... maybe a lot more. I think I am being called to be more generous, not less... As promising as financial freedom sounds, I think I'm being reminded that unless God is at the center of what I'm doing, I'll be lost. Thanks for your persistence, Lord. I think, just maybe, I'm starting to get it.

Lately....

2011-11-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

So, classes have been cut ... again and this winter I've been looking at 10 credits as opposed to the 20 I had last year at this time and would prefer to have. Although, I will always be grateful for teaching as a way to get me out of Saint Martin's and give me more time with Danali, the fear I had about it is becoming reality. The last couple months have been consumed with "job hunting" trying to find anything and everything to pick up- from tutoring to selling jewelry to getting my real estate license. Recently, some potential classes came up at Pierce College, where I used to teach, and I thought I was pretty much set. I was bound to get ONE of them, right? and one was 12 credits and one was 17! I couldn't go wrong.

Then, last Thursday, when I was confirming my Friday morning interviews, I got word from both positions within about 5 minutes of each other that they were cancelling the interviews. For one, the class wasn't going due to budget cuts and for the other, the manager hired someone on the spot earlier that day. I didn't even have a chance to interview!

Nonetheless, rather than break down crying, as I would normally have the tendency to do, I felt a sense of peace. Why? I'm not totally sure except that I feel like God is using all this to lead me to something better. I think I've connected so much with the Rich Dad Poor Dad book because he speaks to the lack of security I feel even after pursuing higher education and even having a masters degree. I thought I did everything "right"- studied first, waited to start a family- I should have been set financially, yet, if I decide to stay close to family here in Olympia, my options are seriously limited. Or so it's seemed until now.

Like I mentioned in my last post, my dad and I have been "dabbling" in looking into real estate investing and well, that dabbling has grown and grown. I have now decided to get my real estate license and signed up for a course. I am excited to think there may be a field where my perseverence and patience might pay off, as opposed to teaching where nomatter how good I am at it or how long I wait, there is not really any likelihood it will get any better or go anywhere. I'm at the mercy of government spending for classes and I have to say, that doesn't give me a lot of hope. I'm keeping what I can get of course, for benefits, but I'm also going to try working another field I'm really excited about.

I am also really getting attached to this idea of investing and financial freedom- real freedom- not depending on government handouts or even on a company not deciding to lay you off. I have watched friends and family go through many layoffs and "layoff scares" in the last couple years, leading me to believe that even the "safest and most secure jobs" are hardly that. Another reason to depend on God and try to find financial freedom from another source.

I'm excited about real estate for a variety of reasons, including:
1) the fact that JC and I can work it together
2) there are tons of financial benefits to investing in real estate
3) it is an optimal time for investing in real estate
4) my mom and dad, JC and I are all working on it together as a team and there are many opportunities to collaborate with others
5) it involves constant learning, playing on one of my strengths
6) we get to know successful, motivated people
7) it gives me hope that tomorrow will be better than today

I just keep thinking about what financial freedom could mean for us- I've never wanted money for the sake of money- I'm sure few people do, but there is so much we could do if we had the funds to do it. Some of my ideas are:

1) create a community farm in the suburbs so people can teach their children about animals and where food comes from, even if they want to live close-in to the city
2) Build or buy a house for Amalia where she can fit everything for her daughter, Jasmine, who has cerebral palsey, where she has enough room for her own bed and Jasmine's special bed, a yard for grandkids to play and a nice living room for her family to come visit and a nice big kitchen she can make meals in
3) Pay for a good lawyer and papers for Juan Carlos
4) Donate and support community organizations that we believe are doing great work
5) Financially support friends and family who need it
6) Pay for private school for Danali or be able to stay home and homeschool her
7) Be able to stay home with my kids and not HAVE TO work- have more time with my family
8) Be able to set up a college fund for my kids (and others who need it)
9) Be able to afford a vacation once a year (thus far, JC and I have not gotten away for more than a weekend in 7 years of being together and 4 years of marriage...)

Just some of my dreams so far... hopefully, someday, I can make them reality.

Dabbling

2011-09-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, recently, my dad has gotten pretty excited about the investment and income potential in the world of real estate and he's gotten me starting to look into it as well, which has consequently gotten me doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.

You see, I have always tended toward the side of life that attempts to give no importance to money- of course it's necessary but I have tended to look at it more as a necessary evil than anything else. I tried to make up my mind to be happy regardless of what money I did or didn't have rather than aspire to earn more. Maybe that was what seemed "right" or maybe that was what seemed "easier" It's hard to be sure. Dabbling in the investment world, talking about pay days of $1000 or more (sometimes a lot more) seems both crazy and is challenging my previous intuitions about how "chasing" money can lead us away from true fulfillment.

In my "dabbling" though, I have seen some consistent messages come through about how happy and fulfilled these "rich" people really seem to be and how driven they are and in touch with their "purpose" they are.

It kind of makes me want to scrap the fluff novels we're reading in 91 and instead read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" or "Success Principles" or something that may actually make a big difference in these students' lives.

Which brings me to what's really on my mind- my life's purpose. I have always struggled to find it- I don't have many obvious talents and I don't have many people in my life gifted at pointing out subtle things I may do well (nor am I good at seeing my own strengths) so "life's purpose" has gotten put on the back burner while other priorities have taken over in the front. But, honestly, it's not working so well- it's harder- a lot harder- for someone like me to take the daily ups and downs in stride when I don't have something bigger driving me.

I feel like I've lost touch with the prayer, the reflection, the perspective and the patience that used to keep me more centered. Instead I'm scattered, flustered, frustrated and oftentimes just really confused- ready to move on to the "next step" but not sure what it is and why I'm taking it.

That being said, I'd like to record a few reflections I have managed to find time for:

The vocations I believe I've been called to:
Mother
Wife
Teacher

Interests and Passions:

Different cultures/languages
Different ways of living and experiencing God
The resilience of people
Ways people get through the hard stuff
Social justice
Faith

Some of my beliefs:

I want to be someone who people miss because they love having me in their lives.
We love people who help us to love ourselves and bring out the best in us.

So, do I know my life's purpose yet? Have I reconciled the idea of pursuing more financial freedom and security with the whole concept of trusting God will provide? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there. Stay tuned...

In the small things

2011-09-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

There's a wonderful sentiment that another amazing woman shares on her blog about why she blogs that I can totally relate to and that is that we do it so we can look back and see God's influence and work in our lives- not just in a general way but in the small things...

Being an adjunct instructor has encouraged me to leave a whole lot in God's hands- mostly because I don't have any other choice. I don't know what schedule or what income each quarter will bring. With budget cuts, the future always remains highly uncertain, but somehow, since I took the chance and left Saint Martin's, I feel like God has totally taken care of us.

Today I have been reflecting a bit on the "small" ways God has worked that I did not foresee. When I was originally asked to give up the level IV writing class I have loved teaching and teach a grammar and communication class instead, I was pretty disappointed.

However, after the first couple days I have realized that in spite of planning for two classes instead of one, I feel like I am able to be a more interesting, engaging instructor for those couple shorter classes which is really nice. Another bonus is that level IV this quarter is huge and I have no idea how I would have taught the class the way I normally do with one on one time with each student and spending a lot of time on everyone's essays. God was clearly watching out for me in giving me classes that don't require nearly as much grading.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to and sometimes, it's a good thing.

Back to blogging

2011-08-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been away awhile trying to focus my free time on my beautiful little one and on trying to tend to my home, run errands, etc. all those things which seem to consume entire days for weeks and weeks until a person finally has a moment to take a breath and wonder where the time went?

All has been well, though. I am still loving teaching. My summer schedule and classes were amazing- some of the most focused, studious, hard-working students I have ever had and very long but fulfilling days teaching from 9-3:00 every day.

Usually, I've been able to plan before and after classes and had almost the whole summer planned out ahead of time so that's been awesome. Then, I can go home and really be home. Plus, Fridays off are a huge bonus. I spend Fridays doing housework so I can actually enjoy Saturday and Sunday. I have taken advantage of many summer festivities- swimming at the lake, going to parks, soccer games, country music concerts, camping- it has been wonderful!

I am so grateful for all the time at home this career at this point in my life has afforded me. Whenever I get overwhelmed or feel like I'm working a lot, I just think back to those 8-5 days working for a boss who loathed me and feel grateful all over again.

Dani started walking around 11 months and has taken off since. Now, she loves to zapatear (sp?) or as my mom calls it "do the happy dance" which is basically a one year old's version of running in place. It is awesome. I am so impressed at all she has learned. Now we can say, "do you need your diaper changed?" or "Do you want to take a bathie?" and she will go get her diaper or go to the bathtub. She has been jabbering for months now, but we haven't gotten many words out of her, at least not many we can understand... last night she finally figured out how to say "mama"- maybe she will actually call me that at some point.

Juan Carlos is working for VRC Construction, the company he started with his cousin, still. He has big dreams but it is slow going getting a company off the ground and there are lots of challenges between people who do not want to pay them enough or who throw in a lot of last minute details without compensation to materials not being ordered on time for them to work when they need to to people taking up whole days with estimates and then deciding at the last minute not to have the work done. It's all a learning process, albeit a sometimes frustrating one but little by little we're compiling our list of "what not to do again" and I believe in him. He's the kind of person who will work until his dreams become reality.

Now that I have given you our "mid-August Christmas Card" update, I'll leave it at that for now, but stay tuned. I have missed my blog and being able to share things on my mind, so I plan to make time for this little hobby a little more often again...

11 months!

2011-04-27T23:04:00.001-07:00

Dearest Dani girl-

Well, we are almost closer to your one year birthday now, but I am finally writing your 11 month letter. Your grandma and grandpa call you "bushka" as a nickname (even though I already came up with Dani). I love closing my eyes in the middle of the day and imagining your big toothy grin and the way you cruise around on all the furniture now. You've taken a couple steps on your own before tumbling into our arms or catching yourself on the sofa. We are making bets about whether you'll be walking by your first birthday or not.

I have to say I could not imagine how it would ever get better after holding you in my arms when you were born and somehow, you always manage to bring more and more joy to our lives. I love crawling around with you, suprising you behind corners and making you giggle till you can hardly breathe.

I love giving you baths and watching you splash around and try to drink the running water (and the water you're sitting in) and looking up at me and laughing. I love watching you when you've fallen asleep in my arms, exhausted from all the playing of the day and when you wake up in the morning with your sleepy eyes, just wanting to be cuddled for a bit.

I LOVE the way you give us hugs when we ask for them, how you point at all the little kids' faces at gym jam, how you are adventurous and go off on your own so easily to try new things. I love how you learn so fast- how to put things away, what a dog says, where our noses are. I love how you want so badly to be bigger and run around with all your boy cousins.

You are a tough, fiesty little girl with a heart of gold and I just thank God for all the moments He's given us with you already. My heart is full of wonderful memories to cherish with you. Can't wait to see what you'll do next!

Love,
Mami and Papi

When we give

2011-03-29T09:13:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been out of the blogging world except for our monthly letters to Dani just because there really hasn't been time. I definitely have "would be blogs" go through my head often on my drives between different campuses and on errands here and there, but I've been trying to use the time I have at home to just enjoy my family rather than blog about them.

What's different about today? Well, I am finally on the long-awaited spring break and Dani has fallen asleep on my lap.

So, some things that have been on my mind:

My mother-in-law does not drive and does not speak English and between appointments for her and her daughter in the last week (not to mention appointments for my own family) I have felt at times that I would never leave the doctor's office. I have even found myself resenting having to use "my hard-earned spring break" towing Dani around to a bunch of appointments or asking my mom to take care of her rather than playing with her at home. Yet, I am also always humbled when these resentful thoughts jump into my head because I really have absolutely no right to be resentful. I am so blessed and so fortunate in so many ways. Why is it so hard for me to give back, even in small ways, sometimes?

I've been thinking a lot about my mother in law and her daughter Jasmine, who is 12 years old and has had cerebral palsey since her first year of life. Jasmine cannot speak, cannot hug her mother, cannot even give her a smile in thanks for all the days that my mother in law has cared for her. Amalia, my mother in law, hardly leaves the house so she can be home for all of Jasmine's 4 feedings a day every 4 hours 8:00am, noon, 4:00pm and 8:00pm. Jasmine now weighs more than 80 pounds and my mother in law has to move her from her bed to her wheelchair to the seat in the bathtub to bathe her, all by herself. Amalia got rid of her own bed to make room for a twin sized hospital bed for Jasmine. My 50 year old mother in law now sleeps on the floor.

I have struggled to find God's design in this whole situation. Sometimes I want to ask him, "when is it enough?" just like the disciples did... How much do you want this poor woman to give with nothing in return. I remember Mother Teresa's words, "When you love until it hurts, there is no more hurt, only love." Is it true? Even I, who am only involved in the perimeter, am exhausted sometimes by the need in Juan Carlos's family. I think of people who go looking for others to help and how often I am overwhelmed by how much people so close to us need so much help. And I feel like I'll never catch up with it all.

I tell Juan Carlos I can relate to the story about the starfish: There was a woman on the beach throwing starfish who had washed onto the shore back into the sea so they could survive. And someone came along and said, "What are you doing? Can't you see that there are hundreds of starfish along this beach. You could never throw them back. It will never make a difference. And the woman picked up another starfish and through it back into the ocean and said, "It made a difference for that one." I just wish I could have that kind of faith sometimes. I get overwhelmed looking down the beach and I do wonder if I can ever make a dent.

I have wondered sometimes what God's purpose is for Jasmine- how does God use a little girl who can't move, can't speak, can't even smile? And I look at myself- at my lack of strength, of patience... at how easy I get weary, how easily I want to give up. I look at my own little girl and think about how, whenever I get tired, she'll flash me a smile or laugh or give us kisses and hugs and how rewarding it is and how Amalia never has that. It just doesn't seem fair.

It's not fair that some lessons come so hard. I remember a good friend telling me when we lost our first baby not to let this "opportunity" go because it could make me a saint. I'm reminded of those words with Amalia. I certainly did nothing "saintly" in those hellish months following my great loss. But she is strong. And maybe God has given her a great opportunity to learn intimately what Mother Teresa meant when she said what she did- to continue loving, without reward, until love is all she knows.

And, as for Jasmine's purpose, perhaps she, without speaking or moving or even smiling, can bring those who know her closer to God, closer to love, than those of us who speak can with words or those of us who move can with action. Perhaps God gave Jasmine to Amalia, and to me, to show us that love, real love is not dependent on the other person loving you back (for God loves those who never acknowledge him) and the time we feel we are "losing" in doctor's appointments, endless feedings, physical strain may in fact be the best spent time we ever have if we spend it in love.

10 months old!

2011-03-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe we are nearing one year with you, baby girl. You are getting more and more fun every day. Grammy took you to the doctor the other day and she said you were already doing things that usually happen at 22 months (like being able to identify people's noses!) I'm a little concerned that "nose" might end up being your first word. ; )

I haven't been as successful teaching you sign language as I originally hoped, but I think you're starting to get "milk" at least.

Our favorite part of the past month has definitely been watching your incredible dance moves. You dance to EVERYTHING, from squeaky toys to the rhythm of exercise machines to your papi's lovely songs. We can't wait to see where all this dancing takes you!

You are starting to give hugs and cuddle, which I especially love. And you are a crawling machine. You get into everything. You love crawling up stairs and now you are opening cabinet doors and drawers. I'll have to spend my spring break doing phase 2 of baby proofing.

You are such a joy, laughing and playing and learning new things all the time. We can't imagine life without you!!

Love,
Your mami and papi

9 months old!!

2011-02-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

Dani-

It's hard to believe you've now been outside the womb as long as you were in there! Sometimes I still can't believe we've been blessed with such a beautiful, joyful, active baby. You are just getting more and more fun and enjoyable. You've finally got the hang of crawling and now you buzz all over the place. I've even lost you a couple times when I leave the room for a second and you've snuck into another room or you're hiding out in the bathroom.

Your teeth are coming in like crazy. You now have at least six and numbers 7 and eight are ready to pop through any minute. And you have bit Grammy nose and Papi's toes already!!

Our favorite thing these days is watching you crawl around and pull yourself up on stuff and when you are all gigges and everything seems to make you laugh. You seem to understand when we tell you to come and you're starting to wave goodbye.

You seem to do everything in your power to stay awake like you don't want to miss anything, so it's been hard to get you down for naps and you only sleep as long as I do at night usually.

You're exploring with all kinds of sounds and funny faces. Sometimes grammy and grandpa have gotten you to imitate them but I still haven't. Though, we do have conversations sometimes saying "eh" back and forth to each other.

You love to eat most of the time, but seem to like "real" food a lot more than baby food. Papi and Abuelita gave you grapefruit the other day thinking you would make a funny face and you just couldn't get enough of it. You even like some foods with chile in them.

Our 9 month appt. is next Friday and then we'll find out how big you actually are. All I know is that you better slow down or I'm going to throw my back out again. I have to go to the gym just to keep up with you so I can still manage to carry you around (at least a little).

We love you so much our little pelona! We still thank God for you every day, just like when we were just waiting to see your gorgeous face 9 short months ago.

Love,
Mami and Papi

Uncertainty

2011-01-30T14:30:00.000-08:00

So, I'm going to break the latest trend of only posting at Danali's monthly "birthdays" and actually take a moment to write a little about myself. I've been reflecting a lot lately. After leaving a negative work environment at Saint Martin's, I was excited to get back into the teaching world, hoping that maybe this would be my calling, my space, my thing to feel good at.

Well, after several months, I think I can say it has and it hasn't been... There have been times I have really loved- helping students through hard times, helping students to get a concept that was hard for them, leading students through well- thought out, well-planned activities that are received well.

And then there have been the days that students seem to argue with me out of nowhere, that they claim I haven't taught them something I should have or they need me to teach them something I feel I can't or the things I plan flop or students drop out or I just feel like I'm making no progress in the face of so much confrontation.

So, I've wondered: Is it hard because I care? Or is it hard because I shouldn't be here?

I recently participated in a "Finding Your Strengths" Workshop with my parish and it has gotten me thinking even more.

My strengths are:

Learner- I love to learn about everything and anything (I would say this is true- Juan Carlos noticed as well one day when I was talking about how I want to learn to give massages or to cut hair and he said, "You want to know everything and I want to have everything..."

Connectedness- I believe things happen for a reason and we are all connected. I believe that this should drive our behavior because if we hurt others, we hurt ourselves and if exploit others, we exploit ourselves. I think this really plays into my tendency toward social justice teachings that emphasize the connectedness of humanity and my desire to know and understand how people live around the world to feel connected to them.

Individualization- I see the individual characteristics and qualities of each person and try to treat them accordingly. But sometimes I'm also overwhelmed in getting to know people because of that I feel I need to know about them.

Significance- I want to be important in the eyes of others and I want to be recognized. I want my work to be a way of life, not just a job and I want to have a long-lasting, meaningful impact on the world. This is just so true. I have realized that being in positions where I am either put down or not recognized has a really negative impact on me and my motivation.

Restorative- I am energized by problems. I can see problems easily and find solutions easily. I think this is true in many respects... when I started at Saint Martins, I immediately identified the problem of the lack of assessment with incoming students. When the ESL program at SPSCC has been under attack because of the lack of revenue, it generates, I wanted to explore alternative sources of funding for the program. Currently, I'm working to resolve gaps in the transition of international students from the Intensive English Program to college courses.

It was a little hard for me to reconcile these at first, especially with the absence of other strengths I might have assumed would be there, such as empathy and something that would speak to "teaching."

And as much as I like the concept of treating all my students as individuals and seeing their unique strengths, it has felt overwhelming to me recently to see all the very different, overpowering needs. I have tried to identify the issues and address them, but more and more keep budding up. It seems as soon as I "put out one fire" and resolve one relationship, another fire arises. So, my strengths really haven't felt like strengths at all lately and I have been feeling as though I'm really not great at anything...

I guess it's times like these though that God uses to call us back to Him, when we can't rely on ourselves anymore- when we don't know how to handle the issues,when we don't know what the future holds, where we'll be, where we're supposed to be, when we have no choice but to fall to our knees and listen again.

Dani 8 months old!

2011-01-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Danali-

Well, your top two front teeth came in this past month and this past week, you started inching forward on the floor, though it probably couldn't be considered "crawling" quite yet... Your papi is worried you may never crawl because now you can get around this way... ; )

We've put you in a walker at Grammy's house, but you only seem to go backwards and then you get stuck and get frustrated. You change from happy to frustrated and back to happy in a matter of seconds. I give credit to your father for this attribute.

You are so much fun. You have started pointing at things with your first finger and thumb sticking out. I used to think you were kind of weird but then I realized that's how I point, so now I just think you're pretty smart.

You are eating solids, though I seem to have the worst luck feeding you. You never seem to be very hungry or maybe it's because when you're with me, you just want to nurse. I'm not sure. You have a great time with noodles, carrots and broccoli. And you have this funny habit of eating and leaving the food in your mouth with "no hands" so you look like a little dog or something with the food hanging out of your mouth.

You are still sleeping with us, but I think we'll feel it when it's the right time to move you to the crib. I'm trying to have you nap in there at least. And I'm pretty sure the "right time" is coming soon.

Oh, how we adore you my baby girl. Often at night, as we're getting ready for bed, we'll just look at you and look at each other and think how did we ever get so lucky? We are so unbelievably blessed to have you in our lives. We can't imagine life without you!

Love,
Your Mom (and Dad)

7 months (over a week late!)

2010-12-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

Danali-

Well, all I can say is I am very thankful that my job let me on vacation just in time to give you a little more attention. The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. After your 6 month vaccinations at the beginning of December, you got sick with a fever for several days. You also had diarrhea You became dehydrated and lost 3 pounds in four days (from 20 pounds at your 6 month visit to 17 pounds a couple days later...)!! The doctor said if we couldn't get some liquid in you, we would have to admit you to the hospital to get IVs so you could become hydrated again.

It was a very challenging Thursday. Grammy came over to help and we tried EVERYTHING! Pedialyte, apple juice, water, breastmilk and every combination- through bottles, sippy cups, glasses and droppers. I did not think we were successful but somehow we did get your weight up again.

But after that, you never seemed to really get all the way better. You kept having a runny nose and being congested and that pesky little cough just wouldn't go away so I took you in again. They tested for RSV and that came back negative. They prescribed a nebulizer and medicine to loosen up all that flem in your chest. I've been trying to work between the doctor, the insurance company and the pharmacy to get a hold of that medicine- it's been a little complicated.

And in the meantime, this past week, we've kept you plenty busy with Christmas celebration after Christmas celebration. We went to visit family in Oregon and you got a little overwhelmed but by the end of the time, you were happy as a clam rolling around on the floor, impressing everyone and you even opened a present all by yourself!! We were so impressed!! You're a natural! You got some fun gifts like bilingual maracas and really cute clothes.

Then, we had a quick stop in Gig Harbor on the 24th to see some cousins there. Your cousin Jessica would not let you out of her sight and you also brought many laughs and much joy to relatives there. On the way from Gig Harbor to Lacey, you decided to scream the entire time, only finally falling asleep when we arrived at our destination. I thought you would definitely crash again shortly after that, but the lively music and energetic kids with your Papi's family kept you up and active until we finally came home around 1:00am.

On the 25th, you went to visit the Davolios for a little while so I could enjoy our tradition of going to see a movie on Christmas with your grandparents and aunts. Then we came to pick you up, went home, opened some presents, and then your Papi and Abuelita came over for an amazing dinner your grammy made. It was wonderful. Since your sisters were leaving the next morning, we stayed awhile after dinner and talked and caught up. You had a blast playing with grandpa, grandma and your aunts. They all love you so much!!

Yesterday, we slept in, made breakfast here, went to mass, opened presents with your abuelita, and then went down to a "Nayarit" restaurant because your papi was craving aguachile. Your uncle and abuelita went too.

And today, we are just taking it easy. I think Mami might have gotten whatever you had and we're both pretty exhausted anyway. Very merry first Christmas outside the womb baby girl!!

Highlights over the past month include:

1) Front top teeth look like they are ready to break through any minute
2) Mami realized you are over six months old and "solids" are not "extra" anymore so we're trying to work those into your diet more regularly but since we're not giving you beans or anything with chiles in it, it is harder than I expected...
3) You roll around like crazy and sometimes you will get on your hands and knees and rock but still no crawling...
4) You sometimes get into a really talkative mood and will babble on and on
5) Your grammy says you are starting to copy sounds and movements but I haven't seen it yet
6) You papi saw you standing up in your crib but I still have not seen anything like that
7) We've noticed you have excellent hearing
8) You love to play and discover. One of my favorite memories is when you were in your exersaucer and you threw your head back as you often do for some reason and you just happened to hit a little bug thing that played a song. You kept moving around throwing your head back again and again trying to make it play the song again.
9) You love to talk to yourself in the mirror
10) We still love you more than ever!!

You are such a gift to our family, my precious girl- can't wait to see what the coming months hold for you and for us!! We love you with everything we have!!

6 months!!

2010-11-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Danali-

My beautiful, sweet, loveable cara de tortilla. I can't believe you are aready 6 months old!! You are sitting up now and a couple weeks ago you got your first tooth!! Your second one just came through yesterday! I wish I had gotten more pictures of your toothless smiles! I didn't realize they would be gone so soon... You have your check up next week, the day before Thanksgiving. We're not exactly sure big you are but you are already wearing 12 month clothes so you're definitely growing fast!

Your grandmas are still taking care of you while I go to work. We are so incredibly blessed that they are here and willing to help. It is nearly impossible to get you to smile for pictures it seems. You have quite the serious, thoughtful expression most of the time, but whenever we tickle you, you giggle and that is my favorite! Our goal this month is to finally get you into that beautiful nursery and crib we have set up for you so mommy and daddy can have their bed back. But it will be hard because we'll miss sleeping with you as much as you'll miss us, I think!

You're eating a random selection of food, from beans to cereal to bananas and even tiny pieces of meat. So far you eat everything and have not rejected anything you've tried. We love you tons, my girl and look forward to getting to know you more and more!

Love, your Mami

Flood Heaven with Prayers

2010-11-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine has a one year old son and a couple days ago, the doctors found a tumor on his windpipe. Today he has a CT scan, MRI, and bone marrow testing. Please flood heaven with prayers for him and his family.... Thank you...

Five Months

2010-10-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Danali-

You turned 5 months old on Monday, but your mommy has been so busy, she hasn't had time to write until now. You are a beautiful baby! You still don't have much any hair, but your great grandma insists you are "all girl" You are a lot more fun now. You rarely cry unless you're hungry or tired. You spend half the week with one grandma and half the week with the other. You are so loved!

You were baptized last Sunday. Your Godfather, Ramon, came up from San Diego to be a part of it and your aunt Shelly came down from Seattle to be your Godmother. It was a fun day and you behaved so well! You fell asleep just before they were going to baptize you. When they poured water on you, you cried as if to complain they woke you up and then you fell right back to sleep.

Everyone gets surprised about how big you are. You are easily over 20 pounds and wearing clothes for 9 month-olds already. You love music and you really love going outside. Sometimes if you do get into one of your crying fits, just going outside calms you down. You do really well being passed from person to person and it makes everyone want to hold you that much more. You seem to love games and attention and if you're ever left alone too long, you definitely let us know.

Your grammy took you to get your 4 month shots recently (we got a little behind) and she said you smiled at the nurses just before, cried when they gave you the shots and then smiled at them again before leaving. Your great grandma insists you are the smiliest baby she's ever known and very smart.

Your papi gets frustrated with you sometimes because you'll get fussy with him and then I'll take you and you'll calm down. He asks "what is the difference being with me or being with your mom?" He just doesn't know, does he, but we do...

I love you so much- more and more every day. In some ways I can't believe you're only 5 months old because I can't really remember or imagine our lives without you as a part of everything we do and think about.

I can't wait to see how you continue to grow and how your personality develops!

All my love,
your mama

Being Called

2010-10-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like feeling really called to be where you're at in life. I still remember when I was selected to be peer minister of social justice my last year in college at Western and how I felt so called to it. I knew it's what God wanted of me- I felt God's presence in my life and my work- I was in a good place.

I have been wondering lately what God is calling me to or what He is ultimately preparing me for. I seem to have this idea that all my experiences are leading up to some "perfect career" or "final plan" and I've been wondering how it's all going to come together- my degree in Spanish, my masters in International Education, my experience at Saint Martin's, my bilingual/bicultural home life, my desire to be there for my family, my passion for social justice- how is it all going to come together? What is the "perfect" most satisfying place for me?

And recently I've been thinking maybe life isn't a perfect math equation where 2 +3 +4 +1 = 10. Maybe it's not about the "Sum" but rather about being called to being where we are in any given moment.

Me teaching right now doesn't necessarily mean this is where God will want me for the next decade or even the next several years, but it is where He wants me/can use me right now. I need to let God work through me in teaching these particular classes, with these particular students, this particular quarter. I need to let God work through me in my family, with my friends, with all those that are in my life right now, whatever I happen to be doing today.

Regardless of where the future takes me, God has called me to the present. Maybe I need to let go of what the "ultimate" vision for my life is and just try to focus on how God can use me today and let the rest unfold...

Pat on the back

2010-10-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

The days lately have been flying by. I didn't understand how a baby could make a person so much busier, but it's all becoming clear now. I still don't have any real defined routine, but here's a general schedule of how things used to go and how they go now:

old Schedule
7:00am- Wake up, maybe sleep in a few more minutes
7:15- Shower, get ready, eat breakfast
7:55- Leave for work (5 minutes away)
12:00pm- Lunch
5:00pm- Leave work
6:00-8:30- Teach class (2 days a week)/ Go grocery shopping/ Make and clean up dinner
9:00pm- home to relax...
10:00pm- Bed

5:30am- Wake up
Shower
Pump
Nurse if the baby wakes up
Eat breakfast while entertaining baby if she wakes up
Change diaper because baby would have surely blown it out if she has waken up
Wash and pack up the pump
Pack the diaper bag with enough diapers, wipes, bottles, don't forget the top to the bottle, hopefully I remembered to put the ice pack back in the freezer so its cold, remember the BabyRub and blue suction thing if baby is sick and throw in a couple toys
6:45- Get out of the house (only this early on a good day)
7:00- Drop baby off at one of the grandma's houses
7:20- Arrive at school
Grade papers, make copies, get ready for class
8:00am-10:00am- Teach
10:30- Visit Dani at grandma's house, eat lunch, pump or nurse
11:45- Leave for next class
12:00- Prepare, make copies, etc.
12:30- 2:30- Teach
2:30 - Check and answer emails
3:00- Pick up Dani
Grocery shopping, errands, take Amalia to the gym, phone calls, planning, grading, make dinner, nurse, pump, put on a load of laundry
5:30- Have dinner
Nuse, continue grading/planning while trying to entertain, feed, change, and bathe Danali for the rest of the night until we head to the bedroom around 9:00
9:00-10:00- sing songs, nurse, play until Dani and husband fall asleep
10:00-11:00- Try to grade those papers I never got to and fall asleep
2:00am- Feeding
4:00am- Feeding
5:30am- Start all over again...

Crazy and busy and yet oh so fulfilling... By about 11:00pm each night, I secretly give myself a pat on the back just for getting through another day- It may not seem like much but to me, it's always quite an accomplishment.

Are we happier?

2010-10-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

After class today I ended up talking with a guy from Colombia for awhile. He told me about how he was a national leader in his country, owned his own business, and lived on an island that was protected by the nation. He told me about how he met his life in a crazy turn of events, how he spent two years in the military, fighting the FARC, the revolutionary group in Colombia trying to overthrow the government in favor of socialist rule. We talked about drug trafficking and kidnappings and he said something interesting. He said Colombia has different sides. One side is very dangerous and ugly, but the people, the people are so happy. They don't have much. They live day to day but they are so grateful and so happy. He said that here we have everything- more technologies than we could ever need, help from the government, many opportunities but the people are sad. They always want more....

And I have to say it is so tempting. I still remember the first "mission trip" I took to Mexico and how that week without showers or clean clothes, sleeping on the torn up floor of an old church, I was so happy. I didn't care what I looked like, had no one to impress. My only worry was being in right relationship with the people around me and with God. And I don't wonder anymore why Jesus teaches us so many times to "get rid of your things"- throw away your riches and follow me. Or what that story means when it talks about how it's harder to get to heaven when you're rich than it is for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle...

Oh Lord, help me simplify my life. Help me get rid of the junk - all of the things I don't use and don't need. Help me to work harder sometimes- to wash dishes by hand every once in awhile so I don't lose appreciation for the technologies around me. Help me to slow down and accept a pace that isn't "productive" for a change. Sometimes it isn't about gaining more and more- it's about recognizing the value of what you already have... with health, food, shelter, support and love in our lives, Lord, I don't know how we could ask for anything else...

Thoughts and Feelings

2010-09-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling pretty confused lately about my "direction" and "future" I've become pretty discouraged about my chances of becoming full time faculty at a local community college. I've been tossing around ideas of going to get my PhD, going to law school, just trying to focus more on family, and trying to decide where I can best use my gifts, serve my community, support my family, etc.

In the meantime, though, I am very happy teaching and being out of Saint Martin's. I feel like the things that are stressful now are worth being stressed over. I've had a couple classes "flop" or become awkward for one reason or another but other than that, it's been really enjoyable. I've been working MANY hours and haven't gained much time overall like I anticipated I would but I have gained a lot of flexibility in how I spend my time and I feel like it's been easier for me to take things "day by day" and not get overwhelmed.

I also read a couple pages of a book by Steven Covey called "The 8th Habit" (a followup to 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) and one line especially stood out to me. My former supervisor would always talk to me about how I had all this unused "potential" and he was talking about managing our families and empowering our children to take responsibility and said something like, "sometimes we believe in the potential of a person and not their worth, so we think it's not worth it to take the time, patience, self-sacrifice, etc. necessary to "invest" in them" He also talked about how when we're missing parts of our own self-worth, it's hard for us to believe in the worth of others... just got me thinking...

Juan Carlos, Danali and I are going to be a "host family" for a Japanese student in a program where we invite her to do things with us but don't necessarily have to have her spend the night. Since JC's brother is still living with us and occupying our third bedroom, this seemed like a great way to be involved with the resources we have...

Danali's baptism is also coming up on October 17th! I can't believe it's nearly October already! Time has just flown by recently! She will be baptized at Sacred Heart Parish in Lacey, WA at the Spanish mass with a huge fiesta to follow! Two of her cousins (one born last week!) will be baptized with her. My sister, Michelle and Juan Carlos's best friend, Ramon, will be the godparents. We're really excited!

Happy 4 months, Danali!

2010-09-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

Danali-

You just get more and more fun as time goes by and we are falling more and more in love with you. I love that you are now seeming to recognize me when I come home after work or wake you up in the morning to get ready to go. You smile when you see your papi and I and it is so rewarding! I saw you roll over for the first time today. I had you on your tummy at your abuelita's house and I went to the bathroom and came out and you were on your back, but I had missed it! When I brought you home, I missed you rolling over again when I left the room for a second but I put you back on your tummy and watched as you toppled over onto your back!

Overall, you are a happy little girl and mostly only cry and fuss when you are hungry and tired. You STILL are NOT sleeping through the night! Though you're doing better and better... we want to start giving you rice cereal to help you stay full longer. The doctor says you are a "snacker" but it's hard for me to help you change that.

You are in the 95th percentile for height and weight!! At four months you are 25 inches long and 16 lbs. 13 oz.- a big, healthy girl! Some people don't believe you are only 4 months old! You are starting to grab things- you want to hold your own bottle and you fall asleep clinging to your abuelita's gold necklaces. Your grammy got you a johnny jump up and you love it! You cry when you're left alone and love and expect attention from everyone all the time.

Oh, and you got your ears pierced a couple weeks ago and your earrings look very pretty. You cried less for that than you do when we leave you alone for 5 minutes to throw the clothes in the dryer.

How we love you, my sweet girl! We can't wait to keep getting to know you! You are our world and we thank God every day for you in our lives!!

Love,
Your Mom

Pray Without Ceasing

2010-09-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Kristine reminded me the other day of that idea to "pray without ceasing" in her blog (I would add a link but don't know how- please feel free to enlighten me...) and I really love that concept, as it makes the most of every moment.

Today, I found myself thinking once again about everything I had to do and running through all the obligations in my head until I could finally come to that nice "relaxing" spot around 8:30pm or 9:00, right about the time we head to the bedroom to start getting ready for bed. I found myself feeling frustrated that this cherished time wasn't longer- that there were so many hoops to jump through first.

But then I thought... what if they weren't hoops? What if, instead of feeling like stopping at the store was a drag I could find a way to glamorize it, to make it feel like a privilege in my head, to ENJOY it? What if making dinner was not something to "get through" but again, something to dwell in and something to enjoy? What if it was all something to love doing and to put love into?

What if it was all a prayer? Then, there would be no wasted moments, no hoops to jump through, no obligations and responsibilities to get out of the way to make room for something "fun"- it would all be a conversation with God- I would see Him in everything and everybody and I would live as if it were Heaven here on Earth, with God by my side in everything I did. What a beautiful thing to strive for- a prayer in all the simplest, silliest, smallest parts of our day- a prayer without ceasing...

Passion Project

2010-08-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that in my new positions teaching ESL and Developmental Reading that I will be able to work with populations a little closer to my heart. I have loved working with international students of course and admire them for the risk they take in coming here and being vulnerable to a new language and culture and all that they might learn about themselves and others... but I also have such a passion for working with people who have had harder lives and have the courage to return to school and bring such rich life experience with them. I am excited for the conversations that can take place and the things we can learn from each other, the ways I will be challenged to look at things from another perspective and appreciate the resilience of people who have come through tough stuff.

In the midst of this I am also taking up a project close to my heart. I am going to collect stories to submit to a local newspaper called "El Informador" about immigrants who have come through difficult things. I can't wait for the excuse to meet and get to know people better and to have a part in bringing words and a voice to their stories. I am just doing it on a voluntary basis and so I consider it a kind of "passion project" I feel so strongly about how important it is for people to feel heard and understood and share about themselves and so I can't wait to be a part of that.

I also want to thank you all for your prayers- I feel like I am really in a good place right now- a place that God wants me in and I'm not sure I would have been as open to this if it weren't for you praying for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Being Back and Moving On

2010-08-19T14:40:00.001-07:00

Many people say that in going back to work after being on maternity leave, the first few days are the hardest. For me, they were the easiest and only into the second week did I really start to feel the full-time work pull on me as I realized this was going to be the routine from now on. I started missing Dani like crazy and wishing something would come through so I could be with her more.

Well, it didn't take too long for my prayers to be answered. South Puget Sound Community College offered me two sections of a developmental reading class, in addition to the ESL class I was planning to teach. That brings me to 20 credits for fall, which will keep us where we need to be financially. The best part? This new arrangement will get me 3 more hours every day with Danali than I would have otherwise.

It's a little risky because the contracts are quarter to quarter so they can never guarantee anything, but I felt like it was a risk I was being called to. I said a prayer and everything lined up so I think this must be the direction I need to take right now. It's really asking me to trust in God- but ultimately I guess even full-time positions can give us a false sense of security- we never know what is going to happen anyway, even though we like to pretend we do.

So, here I go, with mixed feelings about leaving behind amazing coworkers, students who are close to my heart and a handful of people around campus that I've gotten particularly close to- here I go onto new adventures and to affect new lives in new ways.

Lord, please lead this journey- help me to find you in all the people I meet and ALL the work I do.

Three Months

2010-08-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Danali-

Today you turn 3 months old. One short year ago, I could only dream of holding a baby as precious as you and now, here you are. I love your smile most of all- it is contagious. Nomatter how sad or frustrated I feel, when I see you smile, I have to smile myself. You have grown up so much already. From a small, vulnerable newborn who seemed to scream every time you woke up and realized you were no longer in the womb to an alert, curious, very large (10 lbs at 4 weeks and 12 lbs 13oz and 24 inches at 8 weeks) ; ) young infant.

You are grabbing things now- my hair (you've been doing that for awhile), my necklaces, blankets, and toys we hang in front of you. You rolled over once but it might have been by accident. You still wake up 2-3 times each night usually but you go back to sleep quickly. You are outgrowing your bassinet but your papi and I don't really want to put you to bed in a big crib in your room yet...especially if you're still waking up every couple hours.

We love you SO much! You spend some days with your Grammy Peggy while she's looking for a new job and some days with your Abuelita Amalia. They both shower you with love. And when we get home your papi and I hold you and kiss you constantly. In fact, in those rare moments no one is looking at you, you put up quite a fuss to get attention again.

You love going outside and looking at the trees- you have always loved this. Your abuelita told me today you were desesperada por agarrar las hojas de las plantas. You are quite unpredictable- sometimes so cheerful and content and sometimes so grumpy and we don't know why. And you often change your mood like the weather in Washington- from one moment to the other you can be completely different.

Now, when we put you on your tummy you hold your head up and look around. I love the way you look in this position but haven't captured a picture yet. You are getting so strong!

I really love picking you up when you are sleeping in your carseat and you are so tired your legs stay all curled up when you stretch just a little as I take you out. I can't wait for your hugs and cuddles as you get older. In the meantime, I love nursing you and rocking you to sleep.

You make all kinds of noises now and sometimes you won't stop talking and gurgling and squealing. We love to try to see what will make you make all those funny noises. My favorite is when you get really excited about something and your big blue eyes get huge and your legs start kicking really fast and you squeal as loud as you can!

You are absolutely beautiful, with very long eyelashes. The Martinez family says you have your grandpa and my eyes. Many people say you have your dad's round face and you definitely have taken after him with your long legs. You are white as can be and we wonder if you'll stay that way... your hair is coming in slowly- I can't wait until it's long enough to put in pigtails.

Happy 3 months outside the womb, my precious little girl. You have blessed our lives in more ways than we ever could have imagined. Through countless sleepless nights and dirty diapers, we would do it all a thousand times to have you- you are beyond worth it! All our love- we can't wait for all the ways you will impress and surprise us!

It takes a village...

2010-08-16T16:31:00.001-07:00

They say it takes a village to raise a child and I sure feel like that with Danali. My first weeks of being a mother were basically baptism by fire and though it's gotten a little easier, I rely so heavily on those around me for everything from childcare to late-night advice.

Recently, my mother and my mother in law have been sharing taking care of Dani during the week while I'm working.

And JC and I never seem to sit down at home. The other day I felt totally overwhelmed by everything I needed to do and was starting to get annoyed that Juan Carlos wasn't helping more... until I realized he WAS!! We were both going non-stop between cooking, cleaning, nursing, giving a bath, getting ready for bed, getting ready for the next day, etc.

I have to say working outside the home full time and being a mom is A LOT of work- the only time I sit and relax is when I'm nursing and I treasure that time!

But of course, it is all worth it. I just feel so fortunate to have family around to help out. At the baby showers before Dani was even born, I realized that she is coming into such a warm, caring family (on both sides) that loved her even before she was born! What an awesome blessing! I am so excited for all that she'll learn, not just from me but from her aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and friends of the family who have been so generous with us and with her.

It is sometimes hard to share my little girl after not seeing her much during the week, but I am really trying to remember that God did not just give Danali to us- He gave her to our family and to our community and I really want our blessing to bless those around us too.

It's been amazing to me how waiting an extra 5 or 10 minutes for someone to hold her or cuddle her totally brightens their day. It's so neat that just by being, a baby can have such a positive impact on those around her.

Thank you, Lord, for our precious little girls and for the village we have surrounding us and supporting us in raising our little Danali.

So Happy

2010-08-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

I thought that going back to work would turn everything around and I would be stressed out again, but I went back last Wednesday and so far, I still feel so happy in general. I absolutely love my baby with all my heart and I love being a mom. I feel hopeful about something coming through work-wise so I can spend more time with my family and I feel really fulfilled. What an incredible time to just soak up. I'm trying not to take any moment for granted.

Thank you, Lord, again and again for all the amazing blessings in my life, especially my little girl and my family. I feel so supported by my parents, my mother in law, and my incredible husband- their help gives me the opportunity to relax and feel that much better about going back to work and fulfilling the obligations of being a mom, so that I can also really enjoy it. I am so grateful!

More on Immigration

2010-07-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I know I'm touching on a controversial issue here but I feel really compelled to clear up some misunderstandings about undocumented immigration and immigrants in the United States and to give an alternative perspective to a heated issue. I really hope if you disagree, you will tell me. I would love to know what people's concerns about immigration are, so I can educate myself more and get closer to the truth. In the meantime, this is the way I see and understand things. I hope if nothing else, it helps you think about this differently than you did before.

Myth #1: Undocumented immigrants live off of welfare and handouts from the government.

First of all, this is essentially impossible, since anyone without a valid social security number doesn't qualify for welfare or for most government - funded social programs. The way some people qualify is by having citizen children- the benefits are in the name of the children whose parents have limited income, not the parents who are undocumented, but being born in the US is what made most of us citizens- questioning the validity of that would beg the question of citizenship for many others. Furthermore, many if not most undocumented immigrants pay taxes- the government provides people who don't have social security numbers with a special number just so they can pay taxes. Whether or not they pay taxes formally each year, most have federal and state income tax taken out of their paychecks just like everyone else on payroll. They pay taxes and then cannot reap the benefits of their tax money in many regards.

However, regardless of taxes and immigrant contributions, from a moral perspective, aren't we called to give to the needy whoever they may be? If someone was here undocumented in the United States and couldn't pay for food or afford a hospital bill, would God have us turn them away because they aren't a citizen? I know it's hard to think of our hard earned money going to someone else and it's tempting to justify reasons it shouldn't and we should be able to keep it- trust me, I get angry about how much taxes the government takes out too, but if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that what I have is not mine- it is more a result of blessings God has given me than anything I have "earned" or "deserve" I look at many people who risked their lives to be here, who work long hours for little pay, who have to overcome language barriers, stereotypes, and cultural differences to get ahead and I wonder if I can really even pretend I am more deserving than them of being here, working where I do, making what I do. I am so blessed- whether I share through charity or through my tax dollars, I think sharing is what God would ask of me. God probably would ask me to put others first when my needs are not met, let alone when they are.

Myth #2: Undocumented immigrants are terrorists and drug lords.

Undoubtedly some terrorists and drug lords come to the US illegally. Then again, some terrorists and drug lords are born in the US. Usually, there are deeper issues that influence people into these lifestyles- situations of desperation and fear. Perhaps we would be wiser to address issues like poverty and insecurity at their roots rather than increasing border patrol. Furthermore, most druglords have a tendency to stay in Mexico since they are more likely to be able to get out of jail if caught there than in the US. Very few of them supposedly ever come to the US. However, wherever they are is somewhat irrelevant to me in some aspects.

I have grown up with a strong faith in God, His people and the Church. But what I always learned was that God is God of the whole world, not just one country. I would think God would be just as sad to see a gang member, a terrorist or a drug lord be "kept" in Mexico as He would be to see them come into the US. It's not where they are- it's the fact that they exist that is the problem. It's strange to me to see people who talk about being pro life or Christian to justify national security efforts in the form of immigration raids and mass deportation as us "protecting" ourselves. Protecting ourselves from who? From people who long for work? Not even for dignified work in many cases- just work to meet their basic needs, pay their bills, support their families back home... I don't think terrorists and drug lords are hanging out working 10 hour days at meat packing plants and in the orchards of California. On the other hand, countless families are separated by these raids and mass deportations. Children separated from their parents, from their siblings. Don't we have a responsibility to think about them? Are people not people anymore just because they cross the border illegally?

Myth #3- If it's illegal, it's indisputably wrong.

I think all of us could think of at least one law we dont agree with- big or small- the drinking age, a speed limit, abortion, homosexual marriage, cigarettes, alcohol, you name it- there are numerous examples of times that human made laws have been morally unsound. I realize that a nation has a right to protect itself, (though I personally believe that "protection" is more effective by nurturing healthy relationships than developing nuclear weapons), but regardless, I think with the issue of immigration, we have to really examine what we are looking to protect and who we are looking to protect it from.

I can see God understanding "self defense" I can't see Him understanding our trying to protect our economy from immigrant workers because we think there won't be enough jobs for everyone (what about the loaves and the fishes), our neighborhoods from people with a different culture because we may lose life as we know it (how many times did Jesus reach out across cultures and borders and challenge us to change), or our precious tax dollars from immigrants or "the poor" because we are trying to save up for a vacation to Hawaii (there are more examples than I can count of Jesus warning us about the danger of valuing money too highly).

I write this just as much to me as to you. It is easier to protect what I view as mine- my job, my culture, my money, than to be vulnerable to what God may call me to do with these things. I want to be safe as much as anyone and would be tempted to shut out 200,000 good people to keep 1 misguided person away. But my mother told me never to do anything out of fear. And honestly, supporting immigration raids, random document checks, increased border patrol, etc. to stop or limit undocumented immigration would be a choice made out of fear, rather than out of love for the real, needy, beautiful people that come to this country to make a life.

If you're honest with yourself, why do you support the policies you support? How would God call you to look at the issue of immigration, especially undocumented immigration? How would Jesus treat the people if there were undocumented immigrants coming into His country? Did He ever act out of a fear or concern to protect Himself? Do we really have the courage to follow His example?

Some perspective

2010-07-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

As an update to my last post, I feel so fortunate to have such wise, wonderful people in my life. Some reminders from today:

Work is work- it's a part of life but hopefully not everything. I am so fortunate as to have a very meaningful and fulfilling family life outside of work, so when I go back, regardless of what the situation is, hopefully I can leave work at work and make family the priority it should be.

Just because things happen a certain way doesn't it's fair or just or right. It just is. People get "let go" for bad reasons and sometimes people who probably shouldn't, get promoted. There are much bigger injustices in this world that people overcome and even forgive.

I can use what makes me angry to check myself. When I see a lack of positive feedback, I can check to make sure I'm giving positive feedback to those I supervise or work with. When I encounter unethical situations, I can question whether I am behaving as ethically as possible. When I'm angry at others' self interest, I can look at my own behavior and make sure it is not selfish. I can take what I don't like as a challenge to make myself better. Ultimately, if not immediately, this will make me a better, more admirable and lovable person and I'd rather lead like that than out of threats or power struggles.

My prayer for today for someone I love, "Lord, since this door has closed today, thank you. Thank you for closing this door and thank you in advance for the one you're about to open. I love you and trust you."

Lessons

2010-07-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

I just have to get this off my chest so I feel better. I got a call today from a coworker telling me my supervisor has been promoted. On the way home from teaching this morning, I was just thinking about how I could effectively communicate to the administration what a manipulative, unethical and poor manager she is.

This is a hard place for me. I hate that I feel almost obsessively angry at her and wish with my whole being that she would retire or be let go or just stop working. It sounds awful on my part to dislike someone so much and yet, every day that goes by and the more things she does and says make me angrier and angrier.

One of the biggest things that bothers me about working for her is that she is manipulative. She will tell me to start a project like a bridge program for international students. I will present my idea. She will change it and distort it to make it something completely different that I don't agree with or understand. Then, if it works, she will take credit and if it doesn't, she will blame me.

She is also so selfish. She builds a gigantic office for herself and crams the rest of her staff into little cubicles. She wouln't even let them decorate their cubicles the way they wanted. She had to approve all the decorations for everybody.

And she is hypocritical. She says she is not a micromanager (and she is). She says she wants to advocate for us (and she doesn't). She says she wants more sustainable international relationships and yet she doesn't give any of her staff the opportunity to meet our partners and she continues to create relationships that we only find out about after the fact so she's the only one who knows anything about them. She says she values professional development but she won't support a staff retreat which the director and I have been trying to have for several years. When I held a faculty retreat she scheduled another meeting during that time so she couldn't go. Since we are never allowed to go to professional conferences, we decided to do workshops amongst ourselves for professional development and she not only scheduled things for herself during the times of the workshops, she scheduled things for other staff members, so we had to cancel and reschedule several times. She won't write anything down because she doesn't want to be held accountable for it later. She wouldn't even let me write things down when I had meetings with her, saying I should be able to remember it.

Another thing I hate doesn't have to do with her really but rather the structure of the university. There is absolutely no accountability. There is no questioning, no second guessing, no "other" opinion about how things will go. It is her way or the highway. She can take 5 trips to China for no reason and then say we have no money for professional development. She can expect her staff to work 60-70 hour weeks during the summer for $30,000 a year because we are "exempt" She can say that I did not meet minimum expectations for my job because I did not do "enough" activites with international students, even though she never talked to me about it before, I have 20 other things under my job description to accomplish, and I did do activities with them, just not what she would consider "enough" She can continue to have sketchy, seemingly unethical relationships with powerhouse women in China and nobody blinks an eye. She can fire people at will who question her practices or her authority (multiple examples). She can move the entire office to a new location even though everyone who works for her was against it and the adminisration never bothered to talk to us about our concerns. And she can get promoted in spite of the fact her entire staff has quit under her about 5 times in the last 10 years and her entire current staff and faculty has gone to talk to HR about her problematic management style.

I know it doesn't really compare but it is disturbingly similar to how I imagine a totalitarian government would be. We are voiceless and vulnerable. And we have all been searching for, applying for and interviewing for other jobs for years but none of us can seem to get out. We are trapped.

The people that have worked with her for a couple months think she is either crazy or stupid and the people that have worked with her the longest (25 + years) think she is abusive and manipulative.

The only ones who seem to have a high opinion of her are her superiors- I guess she knows who and how to impress.

I am just so frustrated that a Catholic, Benedictine university would allow this to continue... I am so frustrated being on the "little people" side of things and vow to myself that if God ever grants me the privilege of being a "higher up" in my career, I will never forget to talk to the "little people"- the people involved in the day to day tasks and affected so profoundly by the decisions of the "higher-ups"

The part of me obsessed with some kind of "fairness" and "justice" just wants to scream and can't stop thinking about some way to overthrow this regime for the good of the wonderful people who work there.

But another part of me wonders if God has given me this challenge to learn a profound lesson in humility and forgiveness. Do I just let it go? If she wants to put my name on stupid programs and blame me for everything that goes wrong, should I just let her and thank God for my cross? Can I be that humble?

Or is this an opportunity to fight "wrong" and fight on behalf of the students for more ethical, consistent programming that does not exploit and fair treatment of staff and respect in the workplace?

Again, the serenity prayer comes to mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh, how I need that wisdom now, dear Lord. What are you calling me to do? What is the right thing? Where do you need me?

Two months

2010-07-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we're a little beyond two months now, but close enough. I give myself permission to be late with everything Dani related, since she took her time coming out. ; )

So, Danali completed two months in the "outside" world on July 18th, also her father's 28th birthday! We had a "little" get together here at the house on Saturday night, which means only 15 people instead of the 50 Juan Carlos probably would have liked to invite.

Then, on Sunday, we went out to dinner with a bunch of family again and then off to Lakefair!! I hadn't been in several years and it was crazy busy but also kind of fun. Juan Carlos and I even went on a couple rides together, which we had never done before.

Highlights from this past month as a new mother include:

Seeing baby Dani smile when she sees us or when we talk to her. She's always smiled in her sleep, but now it feels a bit more sincere.

Less fussing! She was really fussy from about 3-6 weeks I would say but lately, it has gotten WAY better- maybe has to do with "fourth trimester" swaddling, shushing techniques and maybe just a coincidence, but we are loving having a happier little baby.

More sleep! Dani has gone from 2-3 hour stretches to 3-4 hour stretches and last night she slept from 9:30pm until 4:00am!! So exciting!!! I can't believe how rested I feel today.

For me, I have gained much more confidence as a mother- I have had my bad days where I have momentarily left Dani in the car and had to run back for her, but overall, I think I'm getting used to this whole "mom" thing, at least until she changes it on me again.

Life is good and I'm just taking it in until I have to go back to work in two weeks from today. Please keep me in your prayers that something will work out for me to be with Dani as much as possible and still keep a steady income and benefits for our family. I'm not asking to be rich- just enough for stability.

Being a mother

2010-07-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Kind of a strange follow - up topic to the last, but I got a P.S. (Parent Support) Newsletter in the mail today and it's gotten me thinking...

A lot of people believe that God sends us children just as much to change us as for us to raise them. I think that's especially true with my first daughter, Angelica Grace. It seems easier at times to just focus on the child we have with us, less awkward to just ignore the fact that we lost her older sister that dreadful October of 2008. Well-meaning people talk about our "first" mother's day and father's day while we remember in our hearts it's not our first at all.

Well-meaning relatives talk about Danali being the first great grand-daughter, while we quietly remember her older sister. I think that's what hurts the most- that a baby nobody met can be so easily forgotten. But not for me... I read a poem in the newsletter today that I just wanted to share, as it touched me.

What makes a mother
-Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother?" And I know I heard Him say.

"A mother has a baby" This we know is true. "But God, can you be a mother if your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in his voice. "I give many women babies. When they go is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God. I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

" I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and hear her say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow's where I lay.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in My home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me, until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one!"

Angelica has taught me to truly take things in life moment by moment. I can't help but worry I might not have Dani as long as I would like. Sometimes it terrifies me. When I haven't heard her in a while, I hurry to check on her- Sometimes I touch her just to make sure she's still breathing. I try not to torture myself too much with worry, but I do ask myself every day- if this were my last day with her, am I satisfied that I spent as much time as I could with her, that I did everything I could to show her she was loved, that I gave as much as I possibly could to her in the time she was with me?

I am excited to tell Dani about her older sister - the angel who takes care of us from heaven, who intercedes on our behalf, who prayed for us to be able to have another child...

There is so much "letting go" to be done in becoming a parent. "Letting go" of sleep, of schedules, of predictability, but also "letting go" of the security that what you love most will always be with you. Angelica was not ours to keep. She was ours to care for and I remember this with our beautiful baby Dani too. She is only entrusted to us- we are given the great privilege of caring for her, kissing her, changing her, and loving her all the days of her life, nomatter how many they may be... she has been cherished from the womb and I pray we will never take her for granted.

A special thanks to all those who recognize parents as the parents they are, wherever their children might be. Your support means so much...

Loving life...

2010-07-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

I know I should always be grateful, even for the hard stuff, but lately, it has been exceptionally easy to be grateful and I just wanted to record this "high" time of my life. I have absolutely LOVED being on maternity leave. It has been such an incredible blessing to have this special time with our precious daughter and only the most minimal stress and things to worry about. The first couple weeks were quite a haze- we enjoyed visitors coming to meet Danali when she was "brand new" and tried to learn how to change diapers, give baths, and comfort her.

Weeks 3-6 were marked by a bit of fussiness on Dani's part but also a lot of lazy mornings sleeping in together and catching up with friends over the lunch hour. We ventured out shopping a couple times and over to a friend's house for some play dates. We worried about Dani having colic and took her in at 4 weeks, we dealt with a first diaper rash and tried some techniques from "happiest baby on the block" to get her to stop fussing. We showered her with "besos" and lots of love. By 4 weeks, she was 10 lbs 1 oz.

Her 6th week, I went back to teaching part time in the mornings as a sub for another teacher. I've only been doing a couple hours a day- the schedule has been totally ideal. It was a hard decision to start working again so soon, but the money is good for the time I have to put in and I thought it would probably help me start transitioning back into having a schedule and obligations outside the home. Juan Carlos hasn't been working so he has been having special quality time with Dani in the mornings while I'm at work. I think it's been good for them and good for me too.

In spite of getting little sleep (I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in almost two months) and having wavering emotions in becoming a new parent, I am the happiest I can ever remember being in my life. Dani and I are finally kind of getting into a rhythm where I feel like I can understand her more and predict what she'll need- a nap, a meal, some play time, etc. She's starting to smile at us, which is so rewarding and I still get to spend the vast majority of my day with her (and recently with Juan Carlos too). The great weather this past week just makes me crave barbeques and milkshakes and makes me all the happier.

The only sad part is that I am now starting to think about going back to work and in recent conversations with coworkers, it sounds like it's worse than ever. I am dreading being given projects that are already falling apart on my return and being blamed if I can't turn them around. I dread being heavily criticized all the time and feeling so bad about myself again.

However, I am hopeful about a solution for work this next year, which would be so wonderful if it works out. Please keep me in your prayers that God will help things fall into place for me to have a more rewarding, less stressful work experience and provide the opportunity for me to spend a little more time at home with Dani. I know there will be hard times to come but I'm really trying to take in this "up" time and hoping the sun will stay out for awhile more...

Not for long...

2010-07-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

I used to be embarrassed to admit it, but cat's out of the bag- I REALLY love some country songs... mostly because some of them just do such a good job reflecting every day life or helping you to appreciate the simple moments of life and growing up. Today, this one really got me. It's much better with the music, so if you haven't heard it, you can listen to it on youtube. It's called "It won't be like this for long" by Darius Rucker.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

The Run Around

2010-06-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, I need to vent because otherwise, I will just break down and cry. (I am a little overly emotional because of getting very limited sleep over the past 6 weeks and even less last night)

Day One (Thursday)
One of the things that drives me crazy the most is getting "the run around" I got a desperate call from a teacher Thursday begging me to cover for a class of hers for the next 8 weeks, starting Monday and she was going into surgery on Friday. After having approximately 30 minutes at 9:00pm on Thursday night to talk it over with JC and run through all the possible scenarios in my mind, I agreed to do it until I have to go back to Saint Martin's in August.

Friday (no one is in the office because of budget cutbacks so I can't do anything)

Day Two (Sunday)
The teacher I'm subbing for called and said she would have another teacher call to give me more info. Another teacher called but couldn't tell me much because her mother was very ill and she wasn't even sure she would make it for the first day of class. She did tell me who to check in with at the school on Monday morning.

Day Three (Monday)

I went in early to check in with that secretary but when I asked her about the supposed books, curriculum, syllabi, etc. she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said to check with another teacher. When I asked how to contact her, she said she didn't know. She informed me I only had two students (I had planned class for 10-15) She sent me on my way to my class across campus with the comment "I hope the door is unlocked because there is no key for you" Well, guess what? It wasn't. Lovely.

Day Four (Tuesday)

I was able to fortunately run into one of the other "seasoned" teachers before class today. She showed me the offices (that I don't have a key to) where I could get instructor's copies of books (of which there were none for the class I'm teaching). Then, she said I had to talk to the level 3 instructor about what I should teach in level 2 so I don't teach the same things she will. When asked where is this instructor, that's right- she's not here because her mother passed away last night. So, my options are: 1) continue teaching blindly and hope I don't overstep into level 3 curriculum or 2) call up this poor woman and ask her for a run down of the curriculum when I'm pretty sure she probably has other things on her mind...

Class itself was ok except for the fact that the students apparently thought doing an activity outside of class for 15 minutes meant come back in a half hour when class is over...

In the meantime, I am trying to save $400 a month by enrolling Danali in a state health program for health insurance. Well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday, on June 28th that they needed her SS# by June 26th, so I spent the afternoon calling them to see if I could get an extension and they said I could have 10 days. In the meantime, I called the Social Security Office to see how I could get her a SS# and tried 5 times to get through to an actual person before giving up. I then attempted to call the hospital, where I got transferred to the family and birth center and then to the "birth certificate lady" who informed me that there was a little box on the birth certificate application that I had to check if I wanted a social security card in any reasonable amount of time and fashion. Since I apparently in my new mother haze of filling out forms missed this small and incredibly important detail, I am doomed to the "alternative" way of aquiring a social security number.

I called the state agency she gave me the number to and they said to just take in the birth certificate and fill out the application and they would give her a number. Oh, that was just too easy. Juan Carlos and I took screaming baby to the other side of town in westside Olympia, took a number, waited for almost an hour, trying to console crying baby the entire time, and then I went to talk to the woman while JC walked Danali outside...only to find out that they need a birth certificate, a parent's ID, AND an official letter from a clinic or hospital indicating the child is a patient there and other personal information. And after that, they have to verify her birth through the state, which could take another week- would verifying her birth through the state by itself not be enough? Fighting off tears, I trudged out and JC suggested we go to the doctor's office now to try to get the letter- hope was restored. If they could give us the letter today, then I could go back today and still mail the form off in time to see if Danali is eligible for the insurance program. But alas, I had to fill out a form to be eligible to get a letter, which they reserve the right to take 3 weeks to produce for us.

I guess this is the point at which I just throw up my hands in desperation and ask God to take over because my best efforts just aren't cutting it.

I feel like a moron that I am only even going through all of this because of some stupid little box that I KNOW I would have checked if I had only seen it!! I feel like an awful mother for missing this detail and not thinking about it until now and I really just want a "do over" Just let me go back and make that check mark please? Oh well- I guess this is yours now, God because I don't feel like I can deal with it anymore.

Getting the "run around" is so frustrating- I know many of you have probably had similar experiences and can empathize- se la vi- I'll be more detail oriented next time around and I'll definitely be sure to let all expecting mothers giving birth at St. Peter's know how to avoid this ridiculously time-consuming and frustrating way of getting that stinking little number!

Fathers and Daughters

2010-06-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express." ~Joseph Addison

Watching my husband with our beautiful daughter has made me start to think about my own relationship with my dad in a new light. Fathers and daughters have such a wonderfully pure and special relationship, however it may have played out over the years...

I never considered myself a "Daddy's girl" like some of my friends did. I never felt like I had my dad wrapped around my finger. My father was never the really jealous or protective type either- he never threatened my boyfriends or scolded me about the way I dressed (but I'm sure that's because I didn't give him a reason to...)

My relationship with my father has changed a lot over the years- I look back at pictures and realize when I was small, I was often with my father- playing, doing exercises, sleeping on his chest, putting barettes in his hair, dancing with him- I wish I could recall all of those special moments.

As I got older, I related mostly to my dad through soccer- he was my coach for several years and we grew together in the game. We would "get pumped up" to Gloria Estefan music in the car before practices and games. He would teach me to visualize crossing the ball towards the center or shooting that perfect goal. I remember all the upbeat songs we would sing together on car rides to soccer tournaments or games out of town. I also remember loving this one song on the CD (anything for you...) but it was romantic- sometimes I was embarassed to sing it in front of my dad I guess because I wasn't sure if he would think it was strange I was moving from being a "little girl" to a "young woman" interested in romance...

I still remember one day when my dad took me out to breakfast when I was a teenager. He took me out to tell me how special I was to him- how being the oldest, I will always have a very special place in his heart and how much he loves me. It brought me to tears, though I tried not to cry in front of him. Thinking about my dad often made me want to cry throughout my teen years and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's because I felt I loved him so much but couldn't find how to relate to him- I wasn't sure if he would understand me or if he really wanted to know about my "boy dramas" and "girl issues" I would tend to share much more with my mom. I remember a father's day card that said something like, "Dad, thanks for always leaving the room so mom and I could talk" and that's how it seemed to be in our family a lot of the time, though it made me a little sad to wonder how my father felt about that...

Songs like "Butterfly kisses" and others that spoke to the father/daughter relationship always have and continue to make me cry- what is it that is so delicate and so precious about that relationship that brings on such a wave of emotion? There is something about being cherished by your father, about knowing how hard it is sometimes for him to watch you grow up and to let you go...

I started to get a lot closer to my dad after starting college. It seemed like there were more and more things to relate to him about and to get his advice on. And even more after I started working. He has continued to "coach" me in so many ways and though we may not agree on everything, I always value his perspective. I think he is an incredibly strong and wise man. He has made countless sacrifices and gone through many difficult things to get to where he is today and I hope he can look back and be proud. It's a beautiful thing when parents can pass important lessons on to their children so we can grow into our full potential.

These are some things I have learned from him by his words and more often, by his example:

1) You are not perfect. It's ok to make mistakes but always, always try to learn from your mistakes and do better next time.

2) When people criticize you or your work, don't just write them off. Be honest with yourself- analyze what they're saying- take what's valuable and true and improve yourself and your work based on that and then let the rest go.

3) It's more important to be a good team player than to be the star.

4) Do things because you enjoy them, not out of obligation or fear.

5) Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves- we do them because other people need us to.

6) Give from your blessings. Be generous.

7) Be a person of faith. Pray. Depend on God. Faith gets you through hard times, gives you hope, gives you something to believe in and live for.

8) Make family a priority. Be responsible and work hard but always make time for family.

9) Set goals and always try to improve yourself and your circumstances. Stay positive and keep moving forward.

10) Be compassionate- listen to others and hear them out- be slow to judge. Love people for who they are and where they're at.

There are so many more things but those happened to stand out today. I hope and pray that Juan Carlos can be as good of an example for Dani as my father has been for me. I know their relationship will be unique, and yet, something about it will be shared among all the fathers and daughters across the world.

Here are a couple quotations I found and liked and wanted to dedicate to a few amazing friends of mine whose fathers have recently moved to heaven... your fathers may not be physically with you any longer but the love they've cultivated in you and the lessons they've taught you remain and continue to bless those around you in countless ways.

"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." -- Ruth E. Renkel

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -- Clarence Budington Kelland

"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever." ~Author Unknown

"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor

"There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." ~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994

Lessons from a crying baby

2010-06-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have actually been pretty reflective lately so I have about 10 potential blog posts in my head but unfortunately, usually have a baby in my arms or am doing one of the kazillion things I need to do while she sleeps so I haven't been able to write them all...

I did want to write about one insight I've gained though. For some reason, the past several days, Dani has been going through a couple hours in the early evening of crying unconsolably... She fusses throughout the day, but this particular time, she cries as hard as she possibly can- we walk, we talk to her, we sing, we turn her in almost every position imaginable, we're still, we're rocking, we've tried the binky, the hot water bottle, etc. and it just won't stop.

The only thing she is even temporarily consoled by seems to be nursing, which really isn't nursing because she really isn't hungry. She latches on, gives a couple sucks and then just hangs there, but as soon as I try to lay her down or even move her away, she freaks out. My mom was telling me last night to try to "trick" her and let her latch on and then slowly put a binky in her mouth instead, leaving her in the same position. I was watching her last night trying to do this and just thinking- why doesn't she know she's ok? I make up reasons she's crying since I don't know why she really is and last night I was thinking about how maybe she's crying because she's just scared we won't feed her or won't comfort her and she's too obsessed with being scared to realize that we are giving her everything she needs.

Maybe I am reading way to into this and really a tag is poking her or something (though I've checked for that) but as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about my own fears and how I often act the same way and start crying and worrying before anything has even actually happened and I become so consumed with being scared or worried, I can't seem to see that right now, I'm actually totally ok.

I was thinking a lot about how it's so beautiful to invite love into your life, in all forms- a new friendship, a spouse, a child, but the more you love, the scarier it is to lose that person. I was thinking a lot about how much I love Juan Carlos and how I just don't know what I'd do without him and now, how much I love Danali and I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I was thinking a lot about SIDS and about how that fear of losing her or something happening to her will be there my whole life as long as she's around... all of a sudden I felt my fear of loss start to become bigger than my love. My mom and sister reminded me that playing out a tragedy in your head isn't going to make it any easier if it actually happens so there's really no point in dwelling on it.

Lord, you are already teaching me lessons about You and Your love through our tiny child, just one month old. You know I love my family so much. Help me to let go of the fear so I can just focus on helping them to feel how much they're loved and enjoy the time you've given me with them. You know I have a tendency to want to plan and to worry when things don't seem to "be in place" Help me to let go of my concerns about work after maternity leave and thoughts of future kids and jobs and how we'll make it work. We never know when we'll meet the love of our life or when the "perfect" opportunity for work is right around the corner. Help me to trust you and know deep down that you are already giving me everything I need...

Confessions from a new mom

2010-06-10T16:58:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a hard post to write as I fear some people may judge me as lacking maternal instinct or being a "bad mom" but I think it's important for me to acknowledge some of my thoughts and feelings during this time, since it is so precious and yet so different than how I expected...

Confession #1: The bond

I definitely love Dani and I feel so incredibly thankful for her, but I have to admit I always thought there would be some kind of instantaneous mother/daughter bond that took place... just because. I thought I would know all her cries and why she was upset, when she needed to burp or eat or sleep or cuddle, why she made the faces she does etc. I have to admit I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes, after trying everything I can think of, I just sit there and helplessly watch her cry, which makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is much more like other relationships, where she is basically a stranger that I have to get to know and continue to get to know day after day as she changes and grows... I understand it's supposed to get easier, as most relationships do with time, but I'm surprised at how different it is than I always imagined...

Confession #2: Diaper explosions

I secretly always thought that people who talked about their babies diapers "exploding" didn't really know how to put on diapers correctly. Either I don't know either or this "leaking" or "exploding" phenomenon can really happen to anyone.

Confession #3: Breastfeeding

This is one of the things I looked forward to most when I was pregnant and it theoretically is just really incredible how your body can produce nourishing food and adjust the amounts depending on how much your baby eats, etc. It's great, but it's also pretty exhausting and selfishly, somtimes I just want my body to myself. It takes more sacrifice than I thought to give yourself over physically all the time, on demand, to a tiny little person who depends on you. It is not always particularly comfortable, convenient or "fun" but important nonetheless. I remain committed to breastfeeding, though I certainly understand why women would choose to give it up. It's harder than I thought it would be.

Confession #4: Productivity (or lack thereof)

I had all these lofty ideas before having a baby of everything I would accomplish while on maternity leave. I planned not only to have the house always immaculate and dinner ready for JC when he got home, but also to study up on interpreting and pass the test, possibly tutor and find a dream job.

Needless to say, I can barely manage a shower and a decent meal during the day, much less an immaculate home and all my other great plans. I have been very disappointed in how incredibly unproductive I am and yet, I also feel like maybe those extra moments of just cuddling in bed or watching my daughter sleep are important in their own right and the other things can wait.

I have cut back my list of productive hopes to what's absolutely necessary any particular day- whether it be a load of laundry, vacuuming or straightening up our room. I know it's hard for JC to be patient with my lack of productivity and unmet expectations as things are different than we planned, but it's an important time of surrender and has really made me reflect on what's important for us and for me.

Confession # 5: Baby blues

Sometimes I cry... for seemingly no reason at all and yet for so many reasons: because I have a beautiful baby I feel I don't deserve, because I can't believe I actually made it through childbirth, because my body will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about it, because life will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about that, because I'm thrilled, because I'm scared to death, because I don't know what to do about work, because I dread maternity leave ending, because, because, because....and for no reason at all...

Confession # 6:

I never paid much attention to sidewalks/wheelchair/stroller access before needing to take the baby places. I actually circled our couldesac several times the other day because it was the only way to stay on sidewalks around our house (my usual walk route involves crossing a busy street and several non-cemented patches)

Confession #7:

I LOVE dressing my daughter up in cute, color coordinated outfits and putting headbands on her. I know she's not a doll and this is purely ridiculous with no legitimate outcome on her well -being, and a part of me feels guilty, but it's just so fun...

Confession #8:

Sometimes I make up excuses for Juan Carlos to take care of Danali for a few minutes while I do something just so I can watch him with her- it's one of my favorite things.

Things I'm loving at this stage:

1) Cuddling- I know when she starts getting restless I'll miss this so much.
2) Being able to put her somewhere and know that she'll be there when I get back
3) The funny faces she makes
4) When she unintentionally reacts to our conversations (ie: I was singing to her one day and she covered her ears- I'm sure it was coincidence)
5) She will try sucking on JC's nose or on anything we put near her mouth when she's hungry
6) How peaceful she looks when she sleeps
7) The funny things JC says pretending that he's her (ie: One time we left her sleeping on the couch to eat dinner and then she woke up- JC went to get her and talking like her said, "thank you for rescuing me daddy because mom left me there on the sofa like a pillow and I'm not a pillow- I'm a person" maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious... I love how he tries to put himself in her place
8) Showing her off to everyone- I love introducing her to new people and seeing how they try to calm her down or carry her (and take mental notes for myself)
9) The "newness" of it all- it's not easy starting a new relationship but it's also so fun- I'm trying to soak in the mystery of this stage and enjoy it rather than just count the days till it's over and it's "easier"

Still in awe

2010-06-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well, the past couple weeks have flown by (the days at least, sometimes the nights seem quite long...) Danali has yet to sleep in more than a 3 hour stretch, but I understand that's pretty typical. I am amazed I have been able to keep plugging away in spite of such sleep deprivation. And I am also so thankful for the "nap breaks" from Juan Carlos and my mom and for this lovely concept of maternity leave.

And in spite of the sometimes frustrating moments when I can't seem to find "what's wrong" and get Danali to stop crying or I don't know whether green poop is normal or not or I worry about whether she's sleeping ok or breathing ok, I look down at my little girl and still find myself in a state of complete awe.

It just doesn't get old. I still can't believe 10 months ago, she was just a sperm and egg you can't even see and that somehow inside me, she's grown into this tiny, complete little person, with 10 fingers and toes and all the internal organs all of us "big" people have.

And I'm still totally overwhelmed with the gift that God has given us, entrusting us with this little life. I feel so unworthy- like Moses, I want to tell God that maybe I'm not the one for this after all. It's such a big responsibility and honor and I'm just... well, I'm just so normal- I'm not a good cook, I forget where I put my keys, I always put off cleaning the bathroom an unreasonable amount of time...

But I guess that's why God doesn't leave us alone in these enormous life-changing times and I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude and awe at this amazing miracle that is life. It's one of the most normal, natural, widespread phenomenons ever and yet totally and completely miraculous each and every time...

Danali's Birth Story

2010-05-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

I had the entire story written out several days ago, but lost it all, so here it goes again...

I was surprised and disappointed when I woke up on Tuesday, May 18th, still not in labor. I had acupuncture the day before and was sure that since that seemed to help the baby be conceived that it would help get her out as well, but there I was, still as pregnant as could be.

My mom went with me to the appointment I had that morning to do a non-stress test and start talking about induction. I really wanted to at least TRY to not have pain meds so I didn't want to be induced, because I knew it would probably make it A LOT harder. But I tried to keep an open mind, knowing the most important thing is that the baby arrives safely.

Everything was fine at the test but the midwife suggested scheduling an induction for Friday, May 21st if the baby didn't come by then because of the midwives' schedules, shortages, etc. I agreed. The midwife also "swept my membranes" and gave me a recipe for a "castor oil milkshake" as I fondly refer to it.

That afternoon I went out to lunch with my coworkers, which was really wonderful and then came home and decided that in spite of trying to avoid the "castor oil remedy" all this time, maybe I should give it a whirl. So, two scoops of vanilla ice cream, 4 oz of orange juice and 4 oz of castor oil- It tasted like an oily orange creamsicle milkshake. I know- real appetizing...

Well, a couple hours later I was in deep regret practically glued to the toilet. I was having contractions but couldn't tell if they were "real" or not because I was so uncomfortable in that area in general. I called my mom from the bathroom and described the situation- she suggested that I might be in labor and said she was coming over. I didn't know what to think. Eventually I pulled myself off the toilet and did start to recognize the contractions were quite uncomfortable. Juan Carlos suggested we relax in the living room and watch some TV while we wait for things to take their course.

Side note: I had fully anticipated the average 12 hour first phase of labor and purposely left myself things to do around the house, etc. to distract myself so as to not grow bored and anxious with the whole process...

When we went to the living room I sat on the exercise ball, hoping that would get things going and after a couple bounces, I felt something strange- I stood up and felt something drain- I ran to our entry way since it was hard wood and not carpet and I did not want to get whatever it was on the carpet. Then I realized my water had probably broken. I scurried down the hall to the bathroom and we confirmed that was what happened. It was finally time!

My mom arrived shortly thereafter and I decided to take a shower. I decided I would labor in my room for awhile (we didn't want to go to the hospital too soon) so I put on Enya and my mom lit some candles. Every time I had a contraction I would grab Juan Carlos's hand or give him a hug. My mom started to think they were pretty close together so she started timing them. They were between 3-5 minutes apart but only lasted between 20-45 seconds. Mom started making some phone calls to determine whether we should head to the hospital and by about 6:30 we were on our way. I of course was not totally prepared and was trying to grab a variety of last minute things as JC was pulling me out the door...

As we were walking into the emergency room, I felt my water continue to "break" and remember JC telling me not to worry about it. We walked past a trash can on the way in and I turned around and decided I needed to throw up right then and there. I think some of the castor oil milkshake made it into the garbage, though most ended up on the window behind it, I think. I'm sure JC was disgusted but reassured me it was ok (as he should). My mom pulled up a wheelchair and wheeled me through the hospital to the Family and Birth Center.

When we arrived, they hooked me up to some monitors to see how the baby was doing, etc. Then they wanted to test the "water" to make sure it really was my water that had broken. They said it could be "false labor" All I could think was that the only thing worse than going through this right now would be if they said it was "false labor" and I had to go through it all again tomorrow...

Luckily, they confirmed I was indeed in labor. My mom requested a room with a soaking tub for me and thankfully, one was available and the nurse hooked us up...

The tub helped a ton. When I would have contractions, Juan Carlos would gently splash water on me and it was incredible how much that helped. I was in the tub for about an hour and a half from around 8:00 -9:30pm I think... I could hear the nurse telling my mom that maybe the baby would be born by "tomorrow night" and I tried not to freak out that I would be having contractions like these all night.

I got tired of the tub and decided I needed to go to the bathroom again, so I did that and then I got this very strong urge to push- and to push hard. I thought that was extremely strange because when I had checked in, I was only dilated to 2-3 cm. It seemed really early to be wanting to push.

My contractions were also really strong by this point, though they never seemed to get into a consistent pattern. I didn't think I could do it much longer without medication. I asked my mom to see when I could get some meds. She ran to get the nurse and JC stayed with me. He seemed a little disappointed because he wanted me to do it naturally but I think he could also see I was in a lot of pain.

The nurse said she had to check to see how dilated I was to decide when they could give me something. As she checked, she said, "wow, so you see how things can go." She said some word I didn't understand and told me "the worst was over" I was very confused because the baby's head had not come out- I could not see how the "worst could be over" My mom filled me in that I was dilated to a 9 and the nurse called the doctor. The next 30 minutes were a total whirl. People running around putting clothes and plastic sheets and everything around me.

Juan Carlos and my mom grabbed my legs and the nurse and doctor tried to explain to me the "pushing method" - push, but pull back on your legs, hold your breath, scrunch your chest, but remember to breathe.... it all sounded like a lot of contradiction to me. And it was all happening so fast. I was overwhelmed by the lack of choice I had in what was happening... I just had to go with it.

Pushing was painful but oddly more comfortable than the other contractions in a way. Maybe it's because I knew I was close or it seemed to be productive... I also had real, true "breaks" in between my pushing contractions so that was awesome. I remember everyone telling me what to do but also being really supportive, saying I was doing great and the baby was almost here...

7 contractions and approximately 21 pushes later (Juan Carlos was counting) Baby Danali Eliana finally arrived at about 10:40pm. I had always imagined that when they put her on my chest I would hold her close and cry, but I don't know if I was just in shock from it all going so fast or what happened but I remember them handing me this beautiful, vernix covered baby and me saying "What do I do? What do I do?" I'm sure I lost maternal instinct points in my chart for that response... I was SO overwhelmed with the life that was now, finally with me. And I couldn't believe I had gotten through pregnancy and labor and I couldn't believe she was healthy and alive and beautiful...

My sister, Michelle, had wanted to be there for the birth but it went too fast- she and my dad arrived very shortly after Dani was born.

I am so grateful for such a smooth labor, for the incredible support of my family, especially my mom and Juan Carlos. I know God was with us through the whole thing. We have fallen in love all over again with the newest member of our family. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I depend on that grace tremendously.

Welcome Danali Eliana!

2010-05-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

Born Tuesday, May 18th 2010 at 10:40pm.
Weight: 7 lbs. 9 oz.
Length: 20.5 inches
Apgar: 9.9 (healthy as can be!)

We are in love already!!

Beautiful Waiting

2010-05-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

We are still waiting for signs of labor and for our little girl to join us outside the womb, but how precious this time has been for me. I feel a little guilty that I took the week off work and didn't "need" to, but at the same time, I feel so much better about our home- our freezer is stocked, the house is much more organized before, I'm getting rid of lots of things we don't need, etc. I've been able to help out my mother in law with some things, go on some walks with my mom and just rest too.

It's been an emotional week, but such a blessing. And in this time of waiting, I've thought a lot about what waiting does for us.

I will never forget a lesson my parents taught me when I was a little girl. I wanted an American girl doll SO much, but my parents said I had to save for it and wait a year (or maybe it just seemed that long ; ) before I could get it. I remember thinking why couldn't they just get it for me? Why make me save? Why make me wait? But I did and oh, how I treasured that doll. I imagine that if it had been easy, I might have loved the doll for a short time and then discarded her. Sometimes it is the things we have to work for and the things we have to wait for that mean the most to us.

The Church year is also made up of several seasons of waiting- waiting for Christ to be born, preparing for Christ's death and resurrection, and waiting for Christ to come again... there must be a value in "waiting" that helps us to value special days or events so much more.

I have felt that lesson a hundred fold with our small daughter. How we waited after losing Angelica to get pregnant again. One short year- such a small time in comparison to everything, in comparison to what many couples must wait, but such a long time to desperately beg God to please just give us another child. And now, we've waited 9 months- 9 wonderful months... I really can't complain. This pregnancy has been relatively easy and very enjoyable. In ways it has gone by very quickly. And now, we wait again. But the beautiful part about this waiting is that we know it's just a matter of time.

As some have told me, "remember, nobody is pregnant forever" Somehow, some way, we will get to know this precious little one inside at some point, so it makes the journey that much easier. Of course, I am anxious. I look at her small bassinet and imagine lying her in it, watching her sleep. I imagine Juan Carlos playing with her, holding her. I imagine diaper messes, sore nipples from nursing, and spit up. But I have faith that these things will come in time. Soon, it will be hard to remember what life was like without them.

Right now, though, I am still pregnant and Baby Dani is thriving inside my womb- a miraculous design only our God could conceive of...one that a person could remain in awe of for much longer than 9 months. Right now, I have to continue to humble myself and depend on others because I can't climb or lift heavy things. Right now, I have to think about "being ready" for plans to change at any moment but going on with "life as normal" anyway... Right now, I thank God for giving me another child that I begged and waited and longed for- for teaching me patience, for teaching me to cherish what I already have. Right now, I am waiting, but I am also living and trying to take in these last few days before our lives radically change forever.

Waiting, beautiful waiting...

Mother's Day and Our Due Date!

2010-05-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Danali apparently didn't get the memo that she was supposed to come out today (go figure!) My sisters came down this past weekend and we thought it would be so perfect if she decided to come then (and tried everything we knew about to make it happen) so they could be there but, alas, it looks like she wants her own special day ; )

I stopped working on Friday officially, though I went in to finish up some loose ends today and now I am so looking forward to preparing a little more - the house (Juan Carlos's cousin is FINALLY moving out!) and emotionally and spiritually of course.

I have tried so hard to be patient during all this time but can't help but think Dani hasn't come yet because she knows I don't feel totally 100% ready... I know being "physically" ready is not the most important, but it can't hurt....

And with all these thoughts of "baby" and when she will make her appearance, I reflect back on Mother's Day one year ago- on the novena my grandmother, aunts and mother prayed with me that we would be blessed with a child, starting on May 1st. Now, a year later, I await the birth of a beautiful, healthy baby girl. How generous God has been with us!

I remember well the tears I shed last mother's day- tears of loss, of self-pity, of desperation. And, though I am so joyful and thankful for our current blessing, I cannot forget the women that continue to wait, that continue to mourn, that continue to long.

Oh Lord, please hear the cries of your daughters who long for children of their own. Place desires on their hearts that match your plan for them. Give them the grace and patience to accept YOUR will, whatever it may be. Thank you for the precious gift of Danali, who we hope to meet so soon and thank you again for the precious gift of our first daughter, Angelica, who lives now with you and watches over us. Help us to always recognize each moment, each day with our children as a gift and not take it for granted.

Mary, mother of God, pray for us. Thank you for your sacrifice, your unconditional love, your example. You were young, you did not feel "ready" you did not know what the future would hold but you opened your life to whatever it was that God would ask of you. May all women find inspiration in your life and your choice.

Amen.

A little validation

2010-05-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my boss surprised me with a short chat about how she and the director of the Learning and Writing Center were talking about the need for a new position that could collaborate between faculty and the international office and work on transitional programming for international students (something I've come to find I feel very passionately about).

She said the more they talked, the more they realized that the person and the qualifications they were talking about was me. The new position would report to the director of the Learning and Writing Center, a woman I admire and get along with.

My supervisor told me not to get my hopes up since they are still just "dreaming up" the position, they haven't located a space for the person or gotten the VPAA's approval, but it is fun to think about and dream. Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about all the neat things I could do in a position like that and how wonderful it would be to work for someone that believes in me again!

Regardless of what happens, what a great feeling to be told that I was "thought of" for something like that... Strange to have your boss tell you she thinks it would basically be good if you didn't work for her anymore, but maybe I should give her credit for recognizing that it's not a good situation for either of us and I could be more effective and fulfilled doing something else...

My prayer is just that God helps me to take advantage of the opportunities where He can use me most and the right paths open at the right time. Thank you to all who have been praying for me.

Getting closer...

2010-05-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

What an amazing and yet very strange time to be in the last week or so before the due date and know that anything could happen at any time... We go on with life "as normal" but warn everyone we make plans with that we might have to cancel at the last minute...

Every morning when I go to work, my coworkers say, "oh, here you are again!"

I was planning to work until I REALLY went into labor, so I could take as much time afterwards as possible (I get 12 weeks/60 days altogether) but I've decided Friday will be my last day, whether the baby has come or not. If she hasn't come yet, I just want to have the time to relax, journal, cook and freeze some meals and really prepare emotionally and physically for what's to come.

I feel like work has been really consuming and stressful and it's just wearing me down. It feels great to have an "end" in sight. I am hoping and praying that I can find other work in the next couple months, so I don't have to go back, but hopefully, even if I do, I can last a bit longer with a fresh perspective...

Here are some signs we may be getting closer (though I really don't know since I've never done this before)

1) The baby's punches seem lower than before
2) My nighttime bathroom trips have doubled from 2-3 to 4-6.
3) More and more frequent Braxton Hicks, especially when I go for walks
4) Feeling crampy and like it's "that time of month"
5) Walking for 20 minutes at a time is about my limit now...
6) I don't know physically how I could possibly get any bigger
7) Juan Carlos told me last night that he thinks it will be soon because I look "weird" - thanks darling!

I have another OB appt. today so I may or may not know more after that. Last time, they told me the baby is "good sized"- at least 8 lbs and that they probably won't let me go too far past my due date, so we're hoping and praying for sometime this week. Ideally, this weekend would be great, when JC won't have to work and my sister will be in town, but most of all, of course, we just want baby Dani to be born strong and healthy. Please keep us in your prayers and I'll try to keep you posted!

The Whole Serenity Prayer

2010-04-24T10:06:00.001-07:00

Most of us know the way the serenity prayer starts:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

This in and of itself is so powerful and its relevance has permeated so many parts of my life. But the rest of the prayer is quite insightful as well... Each set of lines contains so much wisdom...

Living one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

By Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr

Thank you, Mom, for sending this to me! It's a great reminder of what I should be focused on.

Reminders

2010-04-22T14:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are imperfect and make mistakes. Sometimes we need to be reminded that people love us anyway. And sometimes we need to be reminded that it's important to be compassionate because generally people don't do things "wrong" intentionally.

I found a mistake that I made on a date/cost sheet at work yesterday. As soon as I found it, I told the people who needed to know, apologized and offered some solutions. (Lesson in humility)

I felt awful, but as soon as I came home, Juan Carlos gave me a big hug. No words were needed - that was enough to give me the strength to keep going... (people love us anyway)

This morning, after I got to work, I sat down to read my email and saw my supervisor had responded by saying that it was my fault and only my fault and pointing out another mistake she thought I had recently made.

This morning, before I went to work, I saw that my brother in law had left the milk out on the counter all night- I was upset and thought about saying something- then I thought of my mistake and I thought he probably didn't do it on purpose, so I just put the milk back in the refrigerator.

(we need to be compassionate)

My prayer is this:

May I never cease to make mistakes and to be humbled by them so as to avoid becoming too proud.

May I always accept responsibility when I do make mistakes and try to make the best ammends possible.

May I always be compassionate and kind to others when they make mistakes or don't behave the way I wish they would, knowing that I, too, make mistakes and don't always behave the way others wish.

May I be the first person to validate someone who has made a mistake and to remind them they are loved in spite of it.

Making it work

2010-04-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is totally a "shout out" for advice and direction. I have been less than satisfied in my current position and am looking for something else. What that is, I'm really not sure, but I am definitely feeling pulled towards options that would allow me to have more autonomy and to be home more- ideally it would be education related- it might be teaching part-time, teaching online, tutoring, or maybe a combination.

Some things I have to think about are:

1) I am the main source of income for our family currently- I would need to make around $3000/month to keep our current lifestyle- could make less if we found ways to cut back

2) We have a mortgage to pay so moving somewhere cheaper is not an easy solution...

3) Somehow, I need to have some kind of health insurance for our family...

So, how did you make it work? Where did you cut back? How much were you able to save? Are you working from home? Are you working part-time? Does anyone have private health insurance or do something for health insurance that is not through work?

Please feel free to leave a comment with your story and input or write me an email if that's easier: jandjcgarcia@gmail.com

Thanks in advance- I REALLY appreciate it!

Good Friday

2010-04-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

April 2nd, 2010

This year for Good Friday, I really wanted to do something to reflect on and feel the impact of Christ's death and resurrection. So, on Good Friday, which I conveniently had off from work, I invited my parents and Juan Carlos's mom over and we made a "simple meal" Mexican style which consisted of beans, cheese and homemade tortillas...ok, so Juan Carlos insisted on sardines too, but not all of us ate that...

After dinner, we watched the movie "The Passion of the Christ" and I just have to say this is such an incredibly well-done film. The first time I saw it was in college with a bunch of people from Newman Catholic Campus Ministry and having that visual to think back on during mass and throughout the Easter season just really changed my ability to connect to what Christ did for us.

You would think after seeing it several times now, the movie would lose its impact but I seem to get something different out of it every time. When we watched it on Friday, I couldn't hold back the tears when it flashed back to Mary running after "little boy" Jesus when he fell down and showed her running after him as he fell when he was carrying the cross. How great her suffering must have been to have to watch her "little boy" suffer like that...

And Easter Sunday mass during the consecration, I just kept thinking of what Jesus did in "giving his body" and what a big deal that really was and is. And I thought about Mary and the people that loved him and how difficult it must have been to stand by and watch someone they loved suffer so much without being able to stop it.

Sometimes I think it's so easy for us to get caught up in the "routine" of mass and prayer. I felt for awhile like I was going to mass out of more of an obligation or habit than out of a real desire to connect with God and the community. And these kinds of films are such gifts to people like me because they really pull me in and make me think and give me the images I need to understand the reality of sacrifice and the influence of evil and the beauty of love.

I felt challenged after seeing it to accept my small cross at work of not feeling valued or appreciated with more grace and to try not to complain. If Jesus can forgive and ask forgiveness for the people who literally beat him to death, shouldn't I be able to do that with a supervisor who I have a hard time with?

I also felt challenged to try to be really strong physically in facing childbirth. My hypnobirthing class gave me a lot of hope and helped me to see childbirth as something very "do-able" but as the day draws closer and more and more people share their stories and opinions, I've been feeling myself get pretty anxious again. Expecting to feel pain or to suffer is a kind of strange situation but so much about this parallels what Christ went through. He knew to an extent what lay before him when he was in the garden of Gethsemane and he accepted the physical suffering he had to endure because it was for something greater than himself.

I feel like that about childbirth. Obviously, giving birth is not the same as bringing salvation to the world, nor is the physical pain comparable, but the parallel helps me to be stronger- maybe if he did all that for me, I can go through this comparatively small thing for Him.

If you've never seen the movie, I HIGHLY recommend it- sure it's tougher to watch than a light romantic comedy and isn't exactly an "escape" kind of film but I think it serves as a very important reminder in our lives about who we are, what we believe, who we want to be and how close or far we are from getting there...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2010-04-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

April 1st, 2010

Daddy-

You are such an incredible man and such an amazing father. You have provided me and our family with so many opportunities and so much insight and perspective. I love continuing to get to know you, learning about your background and your values and hearing about why you think the way you do- about people, about work, about politics, about God and about life. I love being able to come to you for advice on everything from financial decisions to working under a difficult supervisor. Your honest advice has helped me to become a better person. I can't wait for Dani to meet you too! It will be so awesome to see you as a grandpa. As Mom would say, I love you all the way to heaven and back! Happy birthday! We are so blessed to have you in this world!

Love,
Janelle

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

2010-04-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

March 27th, 2010

"The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

I remember this quote being in a little frame growing up and not really understanding it. As a child, I thought there were probably a lot of things my father could do for me more directly than just loving my mom. I only now have begun to realize what an incredibly amazing gift it is to have parents who love and respect each other. They don't make me choose sides. My mom is happy when I do something loving for my father and my father is happy when I do something loving for my mother. There is no jealousy or competition or silly games between them. I never blamed myself for their not getting along because in my 26 years of life I have never even seen them fight...

On the contrary, I have seen ways that my mom has served my father and our family by making healthy homemade meals and keeping our home clean and making so many opportunities possible in our lives. And I've seen ways my father, too, has loved my mother and our family by working hard, always trying to make our quality of life better, and supporting us in countless different ways.

Through their example, I am able to have a better marriage because they have shown me that sometimes you do things because you love someone, not because they sound fun- that sometimes it's better to let the small things go. They have shown me what it means to be responsible and loving, to express what I need and give all I can.

What an incredible gift their marriage has been to me and to all who know them. I remember someone saying once that the idea behind marriage is that you're better as a couple than you would be as individuals. My parents are incredible people as individuals but what they've accomplished and given to those around them as a couple is admirable and inspiring.

Not to forget

2010-03-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

It will never cease to amaze me how easily I can take things for granted and I really don't want to do that. I want to value every moment, every gift as if I were about to lose it... and I just find myself forgetting how precious certain things are.

These are things I once longed desperately for and now want to cherish:

1) Falling in love
2) Being married
3) Owning a home
4) Getting/Being pregnant

When these things were just far-off dreams, I made so many promises to myself about how I would cherish them- how I would constantly remind my partner that I love him, how I would take exceptionally good care of our home, how I would never complain about anything in pregnancy and would thank God every day for another day with our baby... Unfortunately, I haven't kept these promises as well as I should...

I have so much to be grateful for- not only those things above but also:

Incredible parents who show their love for me a thousand different ways
Steady, meaningful work
A formal education that I have thoroughly loved
The ability to walk, to dance, to run, to jump
The ability to write and read, to speak and listen, to smell and hear
The luxury of going out to eat, of getting my nails done with my mom, of being able to buy new clothes when I need them
Sisters that I would never trade for anything in the world...bright, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, incredible young women...
Coworkers that make work not only bearable but also often enjoyable
Friends- good friends that are loyal and really truly there for me
My faith- my faith that helps me maintain hope, that helps me remember what's really important, that challenges me, guides me, shapes me

I know I could never deserve all the blessings in my life- I don't pretend to think that just by "being a good person" all of this should be mine. I am totally humbled when I think of all the ways I have been blessed and totally ashamed to think of how much I complain in spite of my blessings...

Oh Lord, I am so sorry for the times I forget to be thankful- for times I see the glass as half-empty, for times I am grumpy without any reason to be. Please help me to simplify my life and re-prioritize to focus on what's really important. Please help me not to forget the the times when I longed for what I have now, so as to not take today for granted... Thank you for all that you've blessed us with- most of all for the hope of one day being with you in heaven.

"Big tummy"

2010-03-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

These are some of the possible reasons myself and others have brainstormed that I look exceptionally "panzona" for being only 33 weeks pregnant.

1) Narrow hips- baby has nowhere to go but out (I'm hoping this will somehow not be an issue when the baby decides to actually come out)

2) Placenta in the back

3) Short torso

4) It's a girl (we'll see if we ever have a boy how well this theory holds up)

5) Insatiable appetite leading to many calories consumed minus getting enough exercise to burn off all those extra calories= 35 lbs gained already when this should be the most I weigh about a month down the line...

but not to worry because I'm exercising now with Juan Carlos 3 times a week and my midwife says I should only put on about another pound a week (x 7 weeks left)- great! Very comforting!

I'll let you know if I'm still able to hold myself up in a month or if I'll have to prop chairs and tables under my belly for support- what do people with multiples do? Alas, if the insatiable appetite is the culprit, I will have to be a little more disciplined next time around. ; )

Miracle Marks

2010-03-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

My sisters gave me a maternity photo shoot as one of my gifts, which I am really excited about. I've been looking at different pictures for inspiration about what kind of pictures I would like and it's gotten me thinking a lot about my own body and pregnant bodies in general.

There's a saying that if you find anything in nature ugly, you're not appreciating its diversity.
I feel like being a woman in this world, beauty is nearly always on the mind in one way or another. I could blog about women and beauty for hours, but suffice it to say that I find society's definition of what's "beautiful" to be extremely limiting, random, and shallow the vast majority of the time.

I would venture to say that if you find anything about pregnancy ugly, you're not appreciating its miracle. I was thinking about stretch marks in particular and how people always want to avoid them, how we always hope that after pregnancy our bodies go back to being the same as they were before pregnancy, like nothing ever happened. We idolize women who look like "they never had children", with flat stomachs, lean figures, no stretch marks or scars.... Why? Why do we want to physically "erase" the fact that our bodies participated in a miracle. We accept the emotional changes in our lives as we become parents and yet fail to embrace the physical ones.

In looking at pictures of pregnant women with many stretch marks, I wonder: why is that undesirable? What are stretch marks actually? They are really "miracle marks"- marks that God made women's bodies to grow and stretch and hold new life. Sometimes I still find myself staring in the mirror at my own body, fascinated by how its changed, and without any of my own doing or my own effort. I haven't had to manually stretch my skin or "add fertilizer" to make my baby grow. It's just happened. And it's such a miracle- such a miracle that I feel her arms and legs a little stronger and a little longer now and that she'll continue to grow and my body will continue to hold her until one day she will "be ready" to come out and my body will know what to do to help her into the world outside my womb.

It's strange being pregnant because sometimes you encounter people who are in touch with the miracle of it and they look at you in a different way, with a sense of wonder and appreciation. To me, these are the people that can see beauty and that attract beauty to their lives. They don't see an awkward "fat" woman waddling around the store looking for tomatoes. They see life. Life beginning and growing and your participation in that... and they are fascinated and amazed.

I am not, generally speaking, one of those people. I am ashamed now that I even spent many months resenting pregnant women for being able to participate in the miracle I never thought I would... I was so weak. I hope in the future, though, even if presented with similar or more difficult challenges, that I can be the one to see beauty, even and especially if it's not in myself. I hope I can reject society's view of what it means to gain weight, to have scars from c-sections, to have stretch marks and instead learn to love and embrace my body and appreciate what it is able to do and the physical marks of that...

May we all question what it is we find beautiful more often and whether those things are truly deserving of our appreciation. And may we never fail to recognize the miracles, as "normal" as they may seem, for in them lies our window to heaven and our vision of God.

Updates

2010-03-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I posted... it will probably be best just to give quick updates of everything lately....

1) My mom and I finished the hypnobirthing class at the end of February. I am slowly but surely finishing the book now, which has really made the whole class more meaningful and complete to me and am planning to pass it off to my mom any day now...

2) Little Dani is moving now all the time. At 28 weeks, I was getting really worried I wasn't feeling her enough. We even went into the hospital one Friday evening to make sure she was ok. I prayed I would feel her more and now even Juan Carlos tells her to go to sleep to give me a rest (maybe because I don't let him rest telling him she's moving all the time) I love it, though I still can't get over how weird it is to be in the middle of teaching and have a little baby kicking at my tummy, under my ribs or rolling onto my bladder.

3) My pregnancy so far has been a relative breeze- minimal nausea first trimester (I was so happy to be pregnant, I welcomed any symptoms anyway), minimal heartburn second trimester...and now, into the third trimester, I am just starting to get a little back pain, frequent bathroom trips (I get up at least twice a night) and much more heartburn... I really need to start bringing TUMS to work with me...overall, though, I have to say I still love being pregnant and wouldn't trade this for the world.

4) Juan Carlos and I have been doing really well lately. We went on a " mini babymoon" getaway this past weekend to Anderson Island and we just hung out and talked and did basically nothing together all weekend and it was so great. I was reminded of how much I love being married to my best friend. It sounds so corny but it's such a blessing to still be able to fill a weekend with things to talk about, when we've been together for 5 years, to still goof off and have fun together, and still make each other laugh. I know 5 is nowhere close to the 27 years my parents will have been married at the end of this month, but still... I love feeling like I know someone so well and yet never get tired of getting to know them at the same time...

5) I'm still on the job hunt. I've applied for two teaching positions, which would definitely be my top choice, since I would be making about the same as I do now (I think) with possibilities for advancement, plus I would work almost half the time and I'd always be teaching, which I really enjoy. There are a couple other positions I need to apply for this week too. I am just hoping and praying the right thing comes along at the right time...

6) I think I am absolutely insane sometimes. I am working full-time at Saint Martin's, teaching 5 hours a week (Tuesday and Thursday nights) at South Puget Sound Community College and now, I have enrolled in a two-week online class, all during month 7 of pregnancy, but somehow God has given me the strength to do this (and a very understanding husband who has been picking up loose ends around the house, etc. since I am almost never home...) I am looking forward to resting/focusing on preparations for the baby more in April...

7) My first baby shower is this weekend and I am SO excited!!!

The possibilities

2010-02-24T15:40:00.001-08:00

I feel overwhelmed right now, in a good way, with the future and all the possibilities out there. There have been a couple job postings lately that have lifted my spirits and, even though they are not all the best in terms of timing, at least they remind me of things to look forward to... There are several jobs up at Pierce, where I used to work. I applied to a position of Intensive English Program Manager. They want someone to start in April, which probably would not work, but we might be able to work something out if they want me...

Then, there are two full time tenure track teaching positions open, which would be incredible- ESL and ESL and Developmental Reading...

Finally, there is a part-time ESL instructor opening and a part-time Spanish instructor opening so there's also hope of piecing some things together there... it's quite risky to leave a full time job with benefits for a couple adjunct positions though, so we'll see... It's just amazing to think of the extra time I would have as a full-time instructor and all the stress I wouldn't have compared to now.... it would be so ideal as we start growing our family....

Juan Carlos and I also have a meeting tonight to talk about a restaurant one of JC's friends is selling and that could be incredible. Of course, we don't want to jump into anything but it would be an amazing opportunity.

Plus, I've been delving more into the world of online teaching and thinking of all the possibilities to do that here and internationally... I'm not sure where to get started but I feel like I'm putting pieces in place to be able to step into an opportunity if it comes along.

I feel like between job prospects and baby coming in less than 3 months, my mind is spinning with what the future holds for us, but this is an incredibly exciting time and I am just trying to treasure the anticipation of it all.

What's up baby? and other highlights of Hypnobirthing

2010-02-22T11:22:00.001-08:00

So, my mom and I have been taking a childbirth class together for the past month or so. It is 4 Saturdays from 9-1:00. (My mom is doing it with me because Juan Carlos, though he wants to be there, is unsure how he's going to feel and react to the whole thing so he didn't really want a "job", he doesn't really like classes (go figure that he's married to a teacher) and the English would probably be a little overwhelming, so my awesome Mom has stepped up to the plate and offered to learn this with me and be my "coach."

The class is a "hypnobirthing" class. Most of the women in it see midwives and are planning to give birth at home- the majority are planning water births. From what I can tell, pretty much everyone is planning on/hoping for no medication. The technique is meant to make use of the body's natural endorphins and "painkillers" and help women to "comfortably" give birth (which a lot of people have a hard time imagining). It's been really interesting. I have a lot of reflections on the class in general, but some of the highlights are:

1) The class is all about focusing on the "perfect scenario" and not dwelling on everything that could go wrong... Because of the mind-body connection, it's thought that focusing on a positive outcome will make it a lot more likely- this has been hard but SO good for me, as I have a tendency to think "worst case scenario"

2) Another important piece is training your body to relax. I feel much more aware of my body now and when I am and am not relaxed. I think it's really healthy for me to "practice" relaxing. I do it to prepare for childbirth but it is probably helping me to have a much healthier pregnancy now, especially in times that might otherwise be very stressful. There is a lot of emphasis on "trusting your body and your baby" to do what they need to do, which also translates for me into trusting God and the way that He made me and our baby with the intention of life.

3) Developing a relationship with the baby is also really emphasized. It's completely acknowledged that babies are fully human and incredibly intelligent and that regular communication with our babies can nurture the relationship and help them feel loved from early on. One of my favorite lines from the class was when the instructor was talking about this and said, "Sometimes, you just need to ask, "what's up baby?" I can't even remember what it was in reference to, but at the time, it struck me as being hilarious.

4) The other element that stands out is the vocabulary used. Instead of "contractions" we talk about "surges" Instead of "pushing" we talk about "breathing the baby down" I'm sure it seems silly to some people but language can be so powerful and this is just another reminder...

The book for the class talks a lot about the effects of culture and the effects of perception of childbirth and what it has been and should be on the actual experience for many people. It talks about the way that fear affects the actual pain people experience or difficulties in childbirth and why. Most convincing of all, though, has probably been the many films we've seen in class of actual births using the techniques we're learning and how peaceful, healthy, joyful, and incredible they have seemed...

As in any class, there are some great things and other things my mom and I have chosen to dismiss or de-emphasize. I still have not made a hard and fast decision about medication, how soon to clamp the umbilical cord, and a variety of other things, but the class has certainly changed my perspective on childbirth and I feel a lot more confident and even excited about it than I did before. If anyone is thinking of it or wants to know more, I am really happy to share.

Please keep my cousin in your prayers as I'm pretty sure she is in labor now, unless plans have changed (she was going to be induced this morning). And happy birthing to all you many pregnant moms- there certainly are a lot of babies planning to be born soon!

Our Daughter's Name

2010-02-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

So, until now, I have been avoiding sharing the name we've pretty much been set on for our daughter because the first couple times I shared it, I was not impressed with people's responses and I didn't want other people's opinions to start tainting our decision... but now, with just a couple months left to go, I'd really like to share our daughter's name and why we chose it... I'll trust you to be sensitive about any comments you leave...

First, I have to say that finding a name that works in Spanish and English is a little challenging- names that seem outdated to us might be "modern" for my husband's family and so forth.

Also, some of you may remember that Juan Carlos and I bought a Yukon Denali a couple years ago (which turned out to be stolen and subsequently we lost $11,000) but ever since then, it was kind of a joke that Juan Carlos would name his daughter Denali after the truck...

I had always loved the name Daniella, after my dad, and because I loved the nickname "Dani" but Juan Carlos kept bringing up "Denali" as a name he really seriously loved. We looked up the meaning: "superior woman" and then he liked it even more, so, although we did not name her after a truck or the mountain in Alaska, Juan Carlos and I compromised on "Danali" so I could still call her "Dani" for short.

I really wanted a lot of things for her middle name- I wanted there to be an association with a saint (preferably Anne, because I had done a novena to Saint Anne to pray for another child) and I wanted it to have an important meaning and be "after" someone in the family. I considered Annemarie after my mom and Carlos's mom but the meaning wasn't what I wanted... I searched and searched and then I searched by meaning. I thought this baby is an answer to our prayers so I searched for "God answered" and I found the name "Eliana." It seemed perfect.

So, needless to say, our daughter's name is Danali Eliana Garcia Martinez (or you can call her "Dani" for short like me) ; )

Third Trimester!!

2010-02-15T09:27:00.001-08:00

I'm officially into the 3rd trimester! I can't believe it!

A poem

2010-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

I started crying early in my office this morning as I wrote this poem. I guess I have been more hurt than I would ever care to acknowledge. I so want to be the image of this "female professional" I have in my head- persevering, determined, strong, unaffected, unwavering, un-needy.

Yet, I find myself more like a small child sometimes longing for a hug, wanting to know "everything will be ok" needing encouragement, nourishment, praise...

My family has never neglected me in this sense and for that, I am eternally grateful.

However, my 40 hour plus weeks at work have taken a bit of a toll- maybe more than I realized... I never really write poetry, though ideas come to me sometimes...since this one actually got written down, I just thought I'd share it.

A poem dedicated to all those that have ever been told they can’t or that their best effort wasn’t enough.

May we all be the teachers and mentors for others that we would long to have ourselves…

Clipped Wings

I came to you young and fresh, full of life
eager to learn
impatient to fly
I would do anything – I wanted to try

You heard me and saw me and let out a sigh…
You clipped my wings short and I tried not to cry
“Into the cage, little bird!” you said-
“It’s not your time. The light is still red.”

One day I was yanked from the cage and thrown out
Naïve as to what it would be all about
With no one to help me or teach me to fly, I raised my small wings
and I jumped
And I dived…

Still hurt from my fall, I heard you return,
But you’d not come to help
There were “lessons” to learn

“Dumb little bird! What makes you think you can fly?”
You clipped my wings shorter as a part of me died…
“You should have asked questions if you didn’t know how.
You’re a stupid little bird- back to the cage now!”

I tried very hard to be content in the cage
and pretend it was comfortable, as if I were on stage
But I wasn’t acting- this was my real life-
I made plans to escape, but they wouldn’t suffice…

Years later, you asked me why I never flew
The cage… the clipped wings- you already knew…

I came to you as a small baby bird,
with passion and promise and ideas not yet heard

You call yourself “teacher”
They think you are “wise”
Only the birds here can see your disguise

For true teachers know how to help others to learn
Your harsh words and scolding serve only to burn

True teachers know how to help those that try
And wise people know that caged birds cannot fly

25 week picture (2 weeks late!)

2010-02-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

Here is the 25 week picture I promised 2 weeks ago!! So sorry! Now I'll need to post a new one!

Since I was so late, I'll throw in another one just for fun. This is how I found Juan Carlos when I came back from my Hypnobirthing class last Saturday... apparently the fact that it's pink is no deterrent when it comes to borrowing my snuggie...

Belated Belly Pics!!

2010-01-24T21:42:00.000-08:00

About 8 weeks

About 12-14 weeks

Update to come tomorrow at 25 weeks!!

Right here

2010-01-22T14:46:00.000-08:00

Watching the news of people in Haiti and listening to many people talk about how they have it on their hearts to go down and help has gotten me thinking a lot. I, too, just want to scoop some of those orphan children up in my arms and take them home with me- give them love and care and a sense of security robbed from them so early.

There is something so attractive about doing really tangible things to help people. We're attracted to service that helps us feel needed- clothes to the naked, food to the hungry. These are relatively easy places to feel like we are serving God directly.

This last week at work, a student had a medical emergency. He came home last night but was possibly going to need some extra care- I wanted to offer to take him in. How I longed to have that extra guest room I had always planned on just for a situation like this.

But we don't.

I find myself telling God I want to serve, but being very specific about who I want to serve and how I want to serve. I want to serve by taking in a scared, vulnerable, beautiful child, but not by picking up after my nephew (who is the most disobedient, difficult child I have ever met) when he comes to visit every week.

I want to serve by bringing food to people living in Tent City, but not by making food for my own family sometimes.

I want to give an occassional ride to school to a visiting professor, but not frequent rides to the grocery store to my mother- in - law.

And I ask myself: why? Why is it so easy to serve when there is no obligation, no expectation, and the people on the other end are so grateful and so much harder to serve when people don't notice, when it's expected of you anyway, when only God sees you....

Here I am. With no guest room because someone is living in it, with no baby room to prepare and get ready because it too is occupied. Our three bedroom home is full- nowhere for unanticipated visitors- sisters, friends, or exchange students... and I'm frustrated that my carpet is stained with dirt from work boots, that the TV is constantly on, that when I come home after a long day, my husband is in conversation with our house guests and isn't able to acknowledge me or talk, that the guest bathroom's toilet seat is always up and it's never as clean as I want... and then I remember...

I remember that I promised God if we were blessed with a home that I would share it. I promised God that if He blessed us- our blessings would become blessings for others. I remember that it's not really my carpet, my TV, or even my husband. They all belong to God- just as I do.

I remember that the stains represent hours of hard work, that the rooms are occupied by people that need them - that need somewhere to stay and that in ways, need us- my husband and I- too.

As Mother Teresa said, "it is easy to love those far away. It is not easy to love those close enough. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where love for each other must start."

And so as much as the need and the images and the thoughts of people in Haiti pull at me, as much as I wish sometimes to escape the complexities of relationships and work and life and live a life of service and simplicity, I realize that right now, I'm called to be right here. I'm called to appreciate and share my many blessings- to be patient with my nephew, with the people living with us- our family.

Lord, give me your grace. Give me the patience I need to choose love, even when it's easier to be upset or frustrated. Stretch me, mold me into the person you want me to be. May we never grow tired of helping others, may we find compassionate ways to ask for what we need from each other and from others in our lives and may we see you always, in the people we've never met, the people at work and the people in our own families. This we pray...

Cara de hamburguesa

2010-01-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

For those that don't speak spanish, "cara de hamburguesa" translates roughly as "hamburger face" and is Juan Carlos's newest term of endearment for me. (Apparently, my face is chubbier than before)

Other really supportive messages from him include:

Text message in English: "I love you my little fat" (note: I'm not sure if it means I'm a little fat- "gordita" or I'm little and fat- either way...)

When I was getting ready for Christmas and New Year's, I couldn't seem to like anything I tried on- Juan Carlos was exasperated with me and said, "Janelle, vas a parecer pelota con piernas en lo que llevas, asi ya escogas algo y nos vamos."

Translation: You're going to look like a ball with legs whatever you wear, so just choose something and let's go.

I was telling Juan Carlos about how some men think women are the most sexy when they're pregnant. He said, "Eso es una mentira- nadie piensa eso de verdad- solo lo dicen- quien va a pensar que una pelota es "sexy"? No, las mujeres embarazadas tienen algo hermoso pero "sexy" no son."

Translation: That is a lie. No one really thinks that- they just say it. Who is going to think that a ball is "sexy"? No, pregnant women have something beautiful about them but they are not "sexy"

Thank you for your honesty?

Other nicknames: Mi panzona (my big tummy), mi sandia (my watermelon), mi gorda (my fat one), mi changa (mi monkey- this is because of my obsession with bananas, not related to pregnancy)

I used to be an extremely sensitive person, but being married to Juan Carlos has toughened me up a bit.

I know it is not really fair to post this and still not have ANY belly pics up yet, so my promise to myself is to get my act together and get pictures up this weekend! Stay tuned!

Giving thanks again!

2010-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, I had a weird thing happen where I got a sudden pain through my whole back but it seemed to radiate from my mid-back- it was really difficult to tolerate and in spite of massages and trying to sit down and relax, I couldn't seem to get it to go away. I also got chills and felt feverish and started throwing up and it was pretty scary, just because we didn't really know what was going on. Thankfully the pain never moved toward my uterus or abdomen or I really would have freaked out, I think.

I did my best to relax and finally, with the help of a heating pad and Juan Carlos holding my hand, I was able to fall asleep. I slept for a half hour or hour and when I woke up, I felt like new. WEIRD!

I decided to call and tell the doctors about it just in case it meant more to them than it did to me and they wanted me to come in today. I once again feel like the luckiest woman on earth after hearing the baby's heartbeat and hearing that everything seems fine. Juan Carlos on the other hand got so worked up and worried that now he's having a hard time letting that go. He told me this morning before he left for work that he already loves our baby so much. I'm just in awe about watching a man I love so much love our child so much- what an incredible gift. I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you, Lord- a thousand times, thank you!

Incredible Post

2010-01-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

I just thought this was an incredible post and wanted to share. What an amazingly talented writer!

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2008/05/dwelling-places.html

Serenity prayer

2010-01-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

I have had an incredibly hard time at work recently. Since my horrible evaluation, it's been hard for me to let that go and get my spirits up again, though I am so grateful for the support from my family, co-workers, and wonderful husband. I've gotten a lot of good advice and am doing my best to improve the situation, as unfair and frustrating as it is.

Upon coming back from vacation, though, I was welcomed with more bad news. My supervisor is trying to take away our current office space (I currently have a full, normal-sized private office) and cram all of the staff and her plus at least 3 extra people into a space half the size and give us all cubicles.

Now, there are not all that many advantages to working here- the benefits are not great since they do not cover dental insurance or healthcare for family members at all, the retirement contributions have been revoked as of earlier this year, vacation will be "use it or lose it" by June and can no longer carry over year to year, there have not been raises in I don't even know how long- even the Cost of Living raise (1%) was cut this year, all of the salaries are much lower than other institutions, especially for staff, and I have to say that my office was one "benefit" I really appreciated. Not only do I need a large private space to meet with students confidentially, give exams, etc. but it also just makes me feel like maybe in the eyes of the institution I really am a program manager, deserving of my own private office.

Alas, no more. Maybe I need to be humbled again and this is about acceptance, but between that and the evaluation and everything else here lately, I feel very disrespected and not valued and it makes coming to work every day particularly difficult.

I only hope and pray that someday I can see what all this is for. Now, being pregnant again after feeling like we had to wait so long, the wait seems like nothing when compared with our joy and it seems perfect in God's timing and plan. I hope that I can feel that way about my career too at some point, that it will all come together somehow- the struggles, the humility, the places to push for change and the places to leave things alone.

May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Christmas and New Years

2010-01-06T10:51:00.001-08:00

I wish I was better about taking pictures, but alas, I still have none from Christmas or New Year's to share, but I'll give an update on what we did anyway.

Christmas Eve

We have generally had the tradition of spending Christmas Eve with Juan Carlos's family (primarily so they have Christmas Day off to recover, I think) and the kids open presents at midnight. But my family has also always gotten together on Christmas Eve and this year, I really missed being with them. We went up to Carlos's brother's house pretty late (around 7:00pm), ate even later (around 9:00 or 10:00) and by about that time, I was exhausted. All the guys were in the garage playing pool and since Juan Carlos wasn't ready to go yet and I was about to fall asleep in the living room, I ended up going upstairs and sleeping from 11-2:00ish. Then, I drove everyone home.

Christmas Day

Juan Carlos and I got up to go to mass with my parents at 10:30ish and Juan Carlos was in great spirits in spite of the fact he couldn't understand much, so it was really positive and special for me. Then we went back to my parents' house for brunch and to sit around the Christmas tree to open presents with my parents and my sisters who came down from Seattle and Bellingham. We laughed a lot and were so grateful for one another's generosity...
Then, Juan Carlos went to eat leftovers and spend some time with his family while I stayed with mine. We went to a movie and came back to have an amazing dinner. After dessert with some family friends, I headed home.

Our Vacation

Juan Carlos and I were incredibly blessed with having the same week off this year between Christmas and New Years!! It was amazing- we slept in every day, had breakfast together, relaxed, did random errands, and grew a lot closer again. What an incredible blessing time is sometimes!! It was hard to come back to work but I definitely felt like I got a good break.

New Year's

We invited a "small" group of 10 over to our house for New Year's this year. The garage is full of "la zanahoria" Juan Carlos's orange truck and baby stuff we picked up from my aunt, so there was no place for a kazillion guys to come over and drink (what a shame!) so we just had some people over for ceviche, ribs, twice baked potatoes, garlic bread and salad. Juan Carlos was impressed I pulled that off. It was actually really fun, very relaxed and really nice to be together- we all sat around, talked together and laughed a lot- it felt like good quality time.

Christmas in OR

The day after New Year's I headed down with Michelle and my parents to see our family in Oregon and that was great. It seemed like we really got to connect and spend quality time together.

It's always strange to me how much anticipation there is around the holidays and how quickly they seem to come and go, but I am so thankful that we live close to so much family during this special time of year. I know it must be hard for Juan Carlos when I have 3 different "families" to visit and he misses so many of his family members in Mexico, but we are lucky his mother and brothers are up here at least. We are so blessed in so many ways and I just pray that I can continue to count our blessings and not get bogged down with the small day to day trials...

I hope you and your family had a very merry, blessed Christmas and that this new year of 2010 brings hope and many more blessings to all of you!

Best Husband Ever!

2009-12-26T17:16:00.001-08:00

I am just feeling especially grateful for my husband again lately. He was so supportive today when my grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit, helping to get everyone coffee, let the dog out, and clean up. He has been so supportive and kind, encouraging me to rest and asking what he can do to help when I'm running around trying to get the house cleaned and get myself ready at the same time.

We've had such wonderful, loving time together lately in between get togethers and different festivities. I'm so excited because we also both have this next week off to enjoy together!! What a treat! It makes it so much easier to be loving when you feel loved, that's for sure. Thank God for great partners- I feel so blessed!

Not as I imagined...

2009-12-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

I seem to constantly be in a place where my dreams or hopes or desires for myself or my life don't seem to match the reality... Recently has been no exception. I don't know if it's an extra "nesting" tendency because of being pregnant or just where I'm at right now, but it's really been getting to me that Christmas preparations haven't gone as planned (no tree, no table runner, no lights outside ultimately... you would hardly know it's Christmas at my house) nor has our living situation in our new home.

If things were my preference, I would want our home to be a peaceful, quiet, clean place for Juan Carlos and I to come home to every night, with candles and a beautiful Christmas tree to sit by. We could watch TV or talk to our heart's desire with no interruptions. The messes that exist would be ours and I would feel happy to invite anyone over anytime with relative certainty that the house was in fine condition.

However, in August of last year, a cousin of Juan Carlos's (who had been out of work for half the year) found himself without anywhere to stay. Juan Carlos, with his big heart, said he could stay with us for awhile.... well, awhile has now turned into 5 months. Meanwhile, Juan Carlos's brother and his wife had some problems and separated so Juan Carlos's brother has been staying with us for the past couple months as well in the "would -be baby" room. Our 3 bedroom house is now totally full.

I have come home to find that Juan Carlos's brother (with the best of intentions) bleached our new carpet (for which I have found no reasonable remedy) when trying to get out a stain. I've come home to all the sandwich meat being gone or all the milk being out and needing to run to the store to get more. I've come home to all "the guys" huddled around the computer watching boxing or hunting or rodeos or looking for cars, to people in my living room at 11:30 at night drinking that I didn't invite over, to the TV being on constantly, to no room for me on the couch- all when all I want is a peaceful evening (or several) with my husband.

Yet, I feel bad even complaining because clearly, these people are going through difficult times right now, being out of work, dealing with tough relationships, etc. My small sacrifices really are small in comparison to what many go through and so, I've decided to do my very best for the next few days, in preparation for Christmas, to stop myself when I get angry or annoyed and to give up "the way I want things" as a kind of gift, a way to thank God for all I have and that I even have a home and rooms and food to share with people that need it. That, in and of itself, is a privilege and I have to remember that...

May all of you find peace in whatever situations you find yourselves in this Christmas season and may we all find a way to focus on the truly important things- beyond stained carpets and extra trips to the store, the ways that we can love each other... as God loves us.

Surprises

2009-12-22T14:55:00.001-08:00

Several things have surprised me about being pregnant and I just want to put them out there before I forget:

1) How similar my belly stretching feels to times before when I would push it out on purpose to see what I might look like when I was pregnant

2) How much my tummy itches (more and more)

3) How everyone touches my belly up high but I feel the baby down much lower

4) How infrequent the first movement was and how similar it felt to a pulse that would start and stop for a long time and how I could sometimes get myself into positions that I could feel it better- I really wasn't sure that was it, but now I think it must have been...

5) How the movement feels now, sometimes like going downhill or over a bump in the road really fast

6) Who asks about my growing belly and who hasn't said anything at all

7) How relatively little morning sickness I got (maybe because Juan Carlos shared it a little)

8) How much I have not had issues with sciatica (I have struggled with sciatica (pinched nerve) in my back for several years on and off and it hasn't acted up at all so far- what a blessing!)

9) My first experience with heartburn- I don't think I've ever gotten it before

10) My incredible appetite- I feel hungry all the time and I have throughout this pregnancy, even in the first trimester- people ask if I have cravings and my only real answer is I crave anything someone mentions. If someone says, "pizza" or "shrimp" or whatever, I just have to have it... so please be careful when you talk about food around me ; )

11) That I haven't gotten sick- I got sick at the very beginning, when I was only around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and then I got a little stomach bug recently but overall, I've been really blessed to not have gotten sick yet this winter

12) Finally, I've surprised myself with how much I am taking this pregnancy one step at a time and really not thinking that much about the future- maybe a blessing in disguise of having experiences that the future didn't hold what I thought. For whatever reason, I like the change and feel like it is helping me to appreciate what "is" more and not worry so much about what's coming....

Baby Update!!

2009-12-19T22:17:00.000-08:00

We had an ultrasound on December 17th and got to see our little GIRL for the second time!! That's right! We're having a beautiful little girl and we're so excited!! Honestly, I got really excited Friday morning when I called Group Health to plead someone to not make me wait until my appointment on the 29th to know if everything was ok and the woman on the other line (a nurse or midwife) looked up the ultrasound and said everything was normal!! Thank God!!

I feel absolutely and totally blessed to have a healthy baby and am so so grateful. Some fun facts on our little one- on December 17th I was 18 weeks, 6 days (so a little behind when we orignally thought) but baby has very long legs and weighs 10 ounces (which my mom found out was usually what babies at 21 weeks weigh!) so it looks like she will be big!! We'll see...

Everything is starting to seem more real now that we can talk about her and I can go shopping for clothes and everything. My aunt and uncle generously gave us some wonderful baby things they don't need anymore, which will really help to save us some money and we are very thankful. Unfortunately, since they most recently had a boy, we probably won't be able to use too many of the clothes they had, but I'm sure they'll find another appreciative person to give them too or, if not, there's always a possible next time ; )

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue this incredible journey. Thank you for all your continued prayers and support- it really means so much to us and we're thinking of all our friends and family often this holiday season and excited to see many of you.... Many blessings!

Job Evaluation

2009-12-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

I expected it to be bad but not this bad. My job evaluation today was absolutely devastating. My supervisor gave me "unsatisfactory" on absolutely every category- On a scale from 1-4, I got a 1 on everything. Considering the program has almost doubled since I've been there, retention has improved significantly, a variety of transitional programming and curriculum is now in place that wasn't before, and the program has not totally fallen apart, I don't know how that is even possible, but alas, it's happened.

I realize I am generally sensitive and do not take criticism well anyway, but for a sensitive person that really takes things to heart, it's going to take everything I have just to get up and go back to work tomorrow. I am trying to take what's helpful and let go of what's not, but it is so disheartening to get so much negative feedback and literally no positive feedback from a person's supervisor after working so hard.

My pride wants to quit more than anything in the world, though, as I've mentioned many times, that's just not a feasible option right now.

I really sincerely feel that this evaluation was given more out of a kind of desire for vengence than any genuine desire to help me improve at my job. I would go into detail, but I don't think it would make much sense to anyone unless they worked there and knew my supervisor.

Suffice it to say that I am really hoping some amazing news tomorrow about how the baby is doing great can make up for a very difficult, disheartening day today.

Please keep me in your prayers...

On my mind...

2009-12-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I got home from work to find Juan Carlos on the couch with his left arm totally bandaged up. He told me he accidentally shot a nail through his hand with a nail gun at work. Something about the nail hitting something hard and coming back through his hand...yuck! The poor thing has been on vicadin and antibiotics and had to have a million shots of tetanus and I don't even know what else since he told the people he hadn't been to a doctor in over 15 years....

Now, he's mostly just really frustrated to not be able to work and have an income. He's feeling a lot of money pressure with extra unexpected bills since the brakes on my car went out and we had to get that fixed and it just seems to be one thing after another. I'm not as concerned, but feel bad not knowing how to make him feel better.

I'm getting really excited and nervous for our appointment on Thursday. It's the 19 week ultrasound and we should be able to see a lot of the baby's vital organs and possibly find out if Baby Garcia is a boy or a girl! It's so exciting, but I'm also so worried- there's so much that could potentially go wrong- sometimes I think I feel the baby kick but sometimes I don't feel it for awhile and wonder if that was really the baby, if everything is ok... I just keep praying and praying. I don't know what else to do...

I'm thinking a lot about the future and future options for me as a "working mom" A good friend of mine at work is leaving for an amazing career opportunity at Seattle U. and I feel like I will miss her desperately. Plus, another great coworker is leaving to be a stay at home mom and sub at the public schools to spend more time with her family. In talking to my friend, she mentioned teaching at the college level actually seems like it would be a pretty family-friendly job, since a lot of planning can be done from home, benefits are steady, etc. I've been thinking about if we can grow the ESL Program more and open up a full time ESL teaching position if that might be better for me. I really love administration too and it would be challenging for me to teach so many classes, but the schedule really would be so much better...

I'm also really looking forward to Christmas and to being with family. At first this Christmas, I was trying to make sure we got our tree up soon and got lights on the house, got a table runner, placemats, and started 5 new family traditions and while all of that was a nice thought, we still don't have a tree (long story), the lights we got ended up being two different colors and so we had to return one set and still don't have a full set up and the Christmas traditions just haven't been working out the way I'd hoped either. Kudos to all those families that are "on top of things" for sure, but as for us, I've decided that rather than focus on adding and adding, maybe I should focus more on simplifying. It's true that beautiful traditions can create great memories, but with Juan Carlos and my style of living, I think unstructured, free time with each other and people we love may be equally if not more enjoyable and also memorable...

Please keep us in your prayers, especially for Thursday's appointment and if you have any comments, advice, etc to share, please feel free to post.

An honor

2009-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

One incredibly important lesson my first daughter, Angelica, taught me was that our children are never really, totally ours. I have reflected a lot on the different ways that children come to their parents and the concept of having one's own children and how really deceptive that idea is. Sure, children who inherit our genes may have Daddy's nose and Mommy's curly hair, but ultimately, they really belong to God. We are just entrusted with these precious lives to take care of here on earth.

This has helped me to look at motherhood in a whole different way- as I was praying one morning thanking God again for the chance to be a mother and for another day with this baby, I found myself thanking Him for the honor of being able to care for His children. In this way, parents, people without children (married or single), priests, and the religious are really not so different. We all have a calling to care for His children- wherever they may appear in our lives.

And, in my case, recognizing that my children are not really my own will help me to be a better parent, I think. If children were like my own work, my own design, I would have a tendency to want to control them, shape them, make them the way I want them to be. My children are in my care, but they are not mine to control. They are mine to teach and influence, but they are not mine to make into what they will ultimately become.

We all probably dream of the "perfect" children we'll raise someday but we will all come to the sometimes harsh realization someday (if we are privileged enough to be given the blessing of children in our lives), that so much of who children are has more to do with God's intentions and design than our own.

I'm excited to see the ways our baby will act or look like Juan Carlos or me, but I am even more excited to see the ways this child will be made in God's image and show me a side of God, a picture of God, I haven't seen before. I am excited to have a child to teach and to care for, but I am even more excited to have a small soul to learn from and be fascinated by...

I am starting to get pretty nervous about an ultrasound we have coming up next week. I think I may have felt the baby kick but I'm not totally sure and I'm not sure if it's as much as it should be and I know there are so many things that could still go wrong (and right...) Whatever God's plan is for us, I pray for the grace to accept it with peace and courage and I am and always will be eternally grateful for the time and the blessings He's already given us.

El Mojado

2009-12-06T13:41:00.001-08:00

These are the lyrics to a beautiful song by Ricardo Arjona:

El Mojado

Empaco un par de camisas, un sombrero, su vocación de aventurero, 6 consejos, 7 fotos, mil recuerdos.
Empaco sus ganas de quedarse, su condición de transformarse en el hombre que soñó y no ha logrado.
Dijo adiós con una mueca disfrazada de sonrisa. Y le suplico a su Dios crucificado en la repisa el resguardo de los suyos. Y perforo la frontera como pudo.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

El mojado tiene ganas de secarse. El mojado esta mojado por las lágrimas que bota la nostalgia.
El mojado, el indocumentado carga el bulto que el legal no cargaría ni obligado.

El suplicio de un papel lo ha convertido en fugitivo. Y no es de aquí porque su nombre no aparece en los archivos, ni es de allá porque se fue.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Mojado, Sabe a mentira tu verdad, sabe a tristeza la ansiedad de ver un freeway y soñar con la vereda que conduce hasta tu casa.

Mojado, Mojado de tanto llorar sabiendo que en algún lugar te espera un beso haciendo pausa desde el día en que te marchaste.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Si la visa universal se extiende el día en que nacemos y caduca en la muerte. Porque te persiguen mojado, si el cónsul de los cielos ya te dio permiso.

Here is a rough translation:

He packed a pair of shirts, a sombrero, his vocation of adventurer, six pieces of advice, seven photos, a thousand memories.
He packed his desire to stay, His condition of transforming into the man he dreamed about but never achieved. He said goodbye with his face feigning a smile and prayed to his god crucified on the shelf for the protection of his family and crossed the border any way he could.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

El mojado desires to be dry, el mojado is wet because of the tears wept by nostalgia el mojado, the undocumented, carries the load that the legal person would not carry, even forced.

The requirement of a piece of paper has made of him a fugitive and he is not from here because his name does not appear in the archives nor is he from over there because he left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice, without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune. Mojado, your truth tastes like lies, sadness tastes like anxiety, dreaming of the path that leads toward your home.

Mojado, mojado from so much crying, knowing that in some place a kiss waits clinging to a pause since the day that you left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

If the universal visa is granted the day we are born and expires at our death, why do they chase you mojado if the council of the heavens has already granted you permission.

Children in need

2009-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Before I could get pregnant again, I tried to be open to any possibility that God may be calling us too in order to become parents, a desire that was so heavy on my heart. I have always felt drawn towards adoption and Juan Carlos is also open to it. I started to investigate more about fostering and adoption and what would be required of us if we started to go down that path... Unfortunately, for the options we found, it seemed that Juan Carlos's legal status would be a big barrier to being able to foster or adopt children, but it has continued to be on my heart, even as I carry our own child...

In the last couple days I've watched a couple films I can't stop thinking about that have made me think a lot about people and especially children in need: Sin Nombre and The Blind Side. Then, there was Kristine's sister's blog about working with children in need in Texas who need so much care and love. I am not sure what to do with what I feel like is a "calling" of some sort at this point in my life. I'm really not sure how we are going to be able to afford some of the things this new baby will need and all the rooms in our home are filled right now with people who also need somewhere to stay, so I don't know what we would be able to offer to another child, even if the legal status wasn't a barrier... besides a lot of structure, discipline, compassion, patience, understanding and love of course... I wonder what God wants me or us to do with this on my heart...

In my heart

2009-12-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

Although I have now, in a relatively short time, been blessed again with the opportunity to conceive and am absolutely thrilled and honored, my heart continues to ache for all the women who long to be mothers and continue to wait...

I came across a blog today of a woman who appears to be having all the doors to motherhood shut in her life, one after the other, from infertility treatment to adoption.

Please join me in praying for her and all the men and women who long to be parents and in honor of them, may we always be grateful for the children we're blessed with and not take this great responsibility and gift for granted...

Things on my mind

2009-12-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how to put my mind right now into a coherent post but I just wanted to record some of the things I'm thinking about right now. This is such a cherished time for us and I want to be able to look back and see God's providence in all that He brings us through.

Back to mass

As I was starting my new married life, I made an effort to go regularly to mass, but started to realize that I was doing it more out of habit and a feeling of obligation than true desire. I decided to take a break until I felt like I really missed it. I've gone on and off here and there, but this Advent season, I felt an especially strong pull to go back to mass. I went on Sunday and it was really wonderful. Somehow, it didn't seem full of the judgement that was there for me before and rather just full of warm people living real lives seeking inspiration and fulfillment. It was refreshing and gave me such a sense of peace and hope for this new year.

Advent

I'm trying to be much more intentional about advent and looking forward to Christmas this year. In the past, it has always kind of snuck up on me, but I want to start establishing traditions that will make Christmas really meaningful for our family.

We put lights up on our new house this year (well, technically, Juan Carlos and his brother put them up and I directed ; ) but they are beautiful and I'm excited about it!!

Juan Carlos and I are planning to get a Christmas tree soon and decorating it together. I also got an advent wreath to light each Sunday and to take a little time to pray together.

Slowly but surely, I think we'll do more and more.

Pregnancy, Maternity Leave, Work, and Childcare

As pregnancy has gone along and we've had some "successful" appointments with good news, my confidence and peace about this has been growing. I continue to pray for the health of our little one, but feel myself going from more fearful to more joyful day by day.

I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move more consistently. I think I may have felt the baby a couple times, but I'm so excited to feel him or her moving around all the time...

I had to tell my boss earlier than I was hoping (a couple days before Thanksgiving) because according to my coworkers, it was already pretty obvious. She didn't react much- just said that was great and asked when the baby was due. I guess that's a good thing. I'll probably talk to her in more detail about maternity leave, etc. as we get closer.

When I was young, my mom always worked, but always only when we were in school or something, so it really felt like she was a stay at home mom since she was always there for us at home. I loved that and always imagined myself also being a stay at home mom and being really fulfilled with that. But, like with so many things, plans change, life happens, and I fell in love with an incredible man, who unfortunately, does not have the same opportunity to bring in the income that I can. I knew that going into marriage and I have no regrets but now, thinking about our new child coming and expenses and childcare and my desire to be home as much as possible, I feel like my head is just full of thoughts and ideas and concerns all the time.

Normal daycare would not be affordable nor really desirable for us. Primarily because of the affordability factor, we have to look at other options. Juan Carlos's mom is nearby and stays home during the day, so I think we both always had her in mind for helping us with the baby. But, we know she is tired and it's not fair for us to EXPECT her to take care of the baby 8 hours a day while we're working, so I've also been feeling the need to come up with a "backup" plan or even a plan for days that she has other appointments or things she needs to do.

It would be financially impossible for me to leave my job altogether and stay home. I've thought about trying to negotiate something part-time but I'm not sure if this would be do-able for us financially or for the school... Part of me is tempted to go back to teaching part-time but that's not as stable, since it depends on students each quarter and the contracts are just quarter to quarter, I don't know how many classes I could get and I would probably have to do mornings and evenings, so I don't know when we'd get to be together as a family, which is important to me too.

In the meantime, lots of things are changing around the school and our office. We are a pretty close-knit group of coworkers- all pretty good friends, and now all that is changing... One of my coworkers has already decided to leave, another is a finalist in a job interview and may leave in January- otherwise, she'll definitely leave this fall- all of this while the school is on a hiring freeze and our department is potentially bringing in a program of 50 new students in the fall.

It's hard to know how everything will work out on so many levels but I guess that's where faith and trust come in. I've never felt so much like I didn't have a plan or even that I couldn't really make a plan, but this is probably closer to what the rest of my life will feel like than anything before.

Please pray for Juan Carlos and I as we look at our budget and try to make our best guesses about what we can afford and what we can't, financially and emotionally. Please pray for us to be open minded about sacrifices that we can and should make and for us to be able to work something out for work, childcare and everything else... Any comments or advice are welcome!!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

Although the history of it may be a bit more controversial, I have always thought it is really neat to have a day set aside each year just dedicated to being thankful.

When I think of gratitude, I am often reminded of a vague memory I have of a movie scene (though I honestly can't remember which movie it is now) where two people are talking and one asks the other: "Why do you believe in God?" and the other person says (something to the effect of), "Have you ever seen the sky full of stars and just felt your heart full of gratitude? To feel grateful, you must feel grateful to someone- I think that's God."

I continue to thank God every day for my truly incredible family, loving, supportive friends, my amazing husband, my precious children (in heaven and in the womb), and all the blessings in my life. May I never take these for granted.

Thank you, Lord, for filling my heart with a gratitude that can only lead me back to You, the source of all blessings and the gift of life itself...

Feeling Grateful

2009-11-14T20:42:00.001-08:00

I have been feeling so incredibly grateful lately for all the blessings in my life. I wish I could always see things the way I see them now but I am grateful for this glimpse into all that I have to be grateful for.

Our home

Our home, a true combination of what each of us was looking for, is everything I could want. It is simple, big enough for Juan Carlos and I, the two people we currently have living with us and will be perfect for growing our family in. It is incredibly close to everything- the freeway, our work, several stores, Juan Carlos's mother- what an incredible blessing to own our own home and one that we can be so proud of. I really want to dedicate more time to keeping it clean and taking good care of it, so it can last us many years.

Our puppy

I never thought I would be a "dog person"- I always loved horses growing up, but never had one and never was as interested in animals as others... but our little puppy came at the perfect time and has really revitalized me in so many ways. She constantly makes us laugh and though she certainly frustrates us sometimes with her accidents or chewing on things she shouldn't, we have both developed a real love for her as a very special little being who we have the privilege of caring for.

Our work

In this time that so many are struggling to find any work, let alone work they find fulfilling and meaningful, I am so grateful for my job. I am lucky to have gotten a management position recently out of school that I probably really wasn't qualified for but that has provided me with awesome opportunities to grow. In spite of my frustrations with wanting more autonomy, more support, more resources, more opportunity, I really do recognize I am so lucky to have a position that can not only support my family but that I find fulfilling and meaningful. Teaching allows me to really utilize my creative side, advising allows me to have one on one time with students which I love, and being part of a staff allows me to be part of a dynamic team, which I truly enjoy. Juan Carlos also has been working consistently with a good group of guys in construction. He is respected and has gotten raises since starting there. He has the opportunity to learn and add to his skill-base, which will help him in the future. I am so happy he is somewhere that he is treated well and respected for the hard worker he is.

Our children

Thinking of Angelica never seems to get much easier- I still feel confused and hurt sometimes about why she can't be with us now, but I was and am and will always be so grateful for her life. As both Juan Carlos and I have experienced some close calls in which we almost got seriously hurt or even could have died, I have to wonder if Angelica is somehow watching out for us from heaven. I have asked for her intercession on many occassions and she continues to be a very real part of my life even in heaven. I cannot be angry at God for giving us a child only to take her away, because I would never trade the time we had with her and the impact she's had on our lives. I look forward to telling her younger siblings about her and comforting them, too, with being able to ask for her intercession when they need it.

And, of course, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this new life that God has blessed us with. So grateful to have successfully made it through the first trimester, symbolizing a solid 3 months God has already given me with this precious child. I continue to thank God every day for this opportunity and pray that we will get to hold and care for this child a long while here on earth. I am so incredibly blessed and I'm enjoying being pregnant so much.

My body

I, like many women, have had a rocky relationship with my body over the course of my life. From wanting to be taller, thinner, have a bigger chest, a different profile, prettier eyes to being incredibly angry at my body for not doing what it "should have" in supporting Angelica's life and later not going through "normal" cycles, it's been hard for me to come to terms and feel at peace with who I am in my own body.

This pregnancy, my tummy "popped" very early and I already look like some other people I know looked at 6 months at 3. I was tempted to be disappointed that I wasn't going to have the slim pregnant figure I had hoped I would, but as I've read more about pregnancy and really come to be more in touch with the true miracle that pregnancy is, I've been able to "let it go" and be at peace with letting this process run its course. I am so grateful for my body- that I was able to ovulate again after months that I seemingly didn't, making conception possible. I am so grateful that my body has been able to support the miracle of pregnancy this long. I am thankful for my generally good health, for energy, for not being in pain, for no serious illnesses...

Our Marriage

Juan Carlos and I have grown incredibly close over our time together, but especially since the sacrament of marriage. As we took an early morning walk this morning in the cool, crisp autumn air, we talked about how it was hard to adjust to being married right away. The wedding comes and goes in a day but marriage is truly a journey and a lifetime of work. Lately, we have both had to make a lot of sacrifices and put a lot of work into serving each other and being patient with each other, but we have built up a really strong foundation for our family and our future. Just as people develop bad habits of yelling at each other, namecalling, and doing or saying hurtful things, couples can also develop habits of calling just to say "I love you", cleaning up the kitchen for the 3rd time that day without complaining, giving an unexpected hug or kiss or shoulder rub. We are not perfect by any means but we are trying to develop some of the latter habits and our relationship just seems to be getting better and better. I am so grateful for my husband and everything he is and aspires to be. And I am so excited to build the rest of my life with him.

I could go on and on, but I think it's clear for as many things as seem to not work, there are still countless things that do and I am so grateful for everything that is working out for us right now. I cherish this precious time in our life, full of hope and full of love.

A Miracle Story

2009-11-06T08:41:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about this again last night and decided I should write about it. Juan Carlos works in construction, mostly doing framing work. Awhile ago, he was walking on some beams that were two stories high and about a foot wide, finishing the frame on top or something (I don't know much about construction). But as he was walking, he lost his footing and started to fall backwards. He said he could feel himself about half way down when all of a sudden it was like he was pushed up, he regained footing and was saved from a two story high fall. He still has no idea how he was able to get his balance again. Wow. Think someone was watching out for him?

All Souls Day/Dia de los muertos

2009-11-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

Today is a little somber for Juan Carlos and I as we remember some incredibly important people who are no longer with us- who seemed to be with us for much too short a time. I'd like to say a little about each of them:

My aunt Kelly-

Kelly always seemed to live far from us as I was growing up so we didn't see her very often or know her very well, but I'll never forget her smile and her warmth when we did. Maybe because it was so special an occassion, she really seemed to cherish our time together. Kelly had many struggles here on earth with eating disorders and alcoholism, but even these things did not stand in the way of her family's love for her or hers for them. Her life has taught me that love is stronger than even the deepest hurt or the choices we make- God loves us in spite of how we feel or what we do. I know God loved and loves Kelly profoundly and pray that she is at peace now, at His side.

My grandpa Ben-

I feel our time with my dear grandpa was much too short. He was always so fun to visit because he was so focused on us, playing with us, spending time with us. I remember windy days on the beach where he lived, collecting sea shells, playing in the ocean and flying kites. I remember how he let us sit on his lap and play with his face for hours... I still don't know how he got it to stay in so many different ways.... I remember wanting a piggy back ride and being told that no, grandpa's back hurt. I remember that he was going to come stay with us when he was very sick but he died too soon. Rest in peace, dear Grandpa- I miss you and love you!

Evaristo Garcia-

As has been mentioned in previous posts, Juan Carlos's father died when Juan Carlos was only four years old. Most of what both of us know about him has been through stories from cousins, aunts and uncles and Juan Carlos's mother. It's sad to lose someone you've known and loved but I also feel such a loss for never having known this man- such a short, yet important part of my husband's life. He was an entrepenuer and started his own movie theater- I understand that he was very persistent in "conquistando" Juan Carlos's mother and he was always easier on the boys than she was. Sometimes his mother scolded him for not punishing them more, so when they did something bad he promised he would go spank them but he took them to another room and gave them a hug instead- he couldn't bring himself to do it... I look forward to meeting him someday in heaven for myself and pray that he is at peace and prays for us still here on earth.

Angelica Grace Garcia Martinez-

Finally, this day reminds me most of our precious daughter, so small, yet so full of life for so many months. I really believe she was strong, as she lived several weeks into the second trimester, which is rare if there is a chromosomal problem. I had thought at times in the past that when I was pregnant again, I might not feel so sad about losing her, but every time I think of her, tears still fill my eyes. It's only easier when I don't think about it- maybe that's why Juan Carlos tends to use that strategy. I guess just like any mother that has more than one child could tell you, nothing could replace the loss of one of their children. I guess that must be how God feels and why it breaks God's heart to be rejected by even one of Her billion sons and daughters. I pray that God holds her tightly in His arms until the day when I am able to meet them both in heaven.

Happy Anniversary!

2009-10-27T12:07:00.001-07:00

Our Changed Marriage

2009-10-27T11:23:00.001-07:00

Two years ago today, Juan Carlos and I committed our lives to each other. Marriage has been incredible. It's strange to think we've only been married two years because we have already gone through so much. Everyone says marriage can be hard and that there are challenges, but I guess I expected them to be more like squeezing the toothpaste in the wrong place or leaving the toilet seat up kinds of challenges, not challenges like facing huge losses together.

Juan Carlos and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged, so I thought we knew each other pretty well, but I have to say our first year was spent really getting to know each other on a whole different level. We did not live together before we got married, so we were getting used to compromising on chores, grocery shopping, how we wanted to decorate, what kind of furniture we would buy and how much we would spend and all those day to day decisions couples make. But we were also negotiating our time and how we could maintain our own separate lives with family and friends while also nurture and grow our new relationship as husband and wife. And it was hard. I was lonely sometimes and wondered whether we had really made the best choice.

In Spanish there is a saying, "Hablando se entiende todo" which means "Talking you can understand anything" I think that really came into play the first half of our marriage. We talked (sometimes not so nicely) and talked and talked and slowly we were able to come to more and more of an understanding about the other person, what we needed and what we could change to be better for one another. I will always value the communication in our relationship and being able to freely express what we are feeling. I think it got us through some difficult times. I also think we had to make a very conscious choice several times to stay together- we had to put our relationship above what we may have wanted as individuals to make it a priority and to make it work.

Just when it seemed we had started to get into a nice routine and come to an understanding, we were hit with some of the most difficult experiences of my life. In March of 2008, we lost our entire savings when we accidentally bought a vehicle that turned out to be stolen. To this day, it's still saddening to think how nice that extra financial security would have been- all the things we could have used the money for, but a part of me also feels that the lesson of getting through such a difficult thing and doing it together has been priceless for our relationship. Then we struggled through the following summer bouncing from dr. appt. to dr. appt. being told I couldn't get pregnant, that I might have a tumor in my brain, and all kinds of other things, only to learn in September I was already 12 weeks pregnant and one month later, in October, that the baby's heart stopped beating.

The emotional rollercoaster was devastating for us and I spent the winter struggling through an all-consuming depression. Juan Carlos would beg me to go a day without crying. On top of it, we couldn't seem to get pregnant again. The grief of losing our first child was multiplied by the grief of thinking we may never be parents. I was still hopeful about adoption until I learned that we may not qualify because of our immigration status. It was so hard to keep hope. It seemed person after person got pregnant and had their babies successfully, while I dwelled in a bubble of lonliness, fear and despair.

Then, when I had pretty much resigned myself to not being able to have children of our own, we were blessed with another miracle- a second child. Sometimes I wonder how our lives might be different if we had been able to have children right away or we had an extra $10,000 in the bank or if our story had taken some other turns. Two years and a lifetime of experience later, what different people we are, what different perspectives we have... though I would never wish hardship and loss on anyone, I really do believe God works through it and we are changed. I know because stories that didn't make me cry before bring tears to my eyes, we are inspired to help in ways we may not have before- we have become not only a bonded couple but a family, brought closer not only by our love for one another but our love through hardship.

Now, I tell Juan Carlos I love him more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful for all of his patience and his support and that he has been the one God chose to stand by me in such incredibly challenging times.

I now look forward to and hope for a brighter time in our relationship- one of celebration and joy. Though we never know what lies ahead, I am once again hopeful that the sun will continue to shine on us for awhile longer. Though the scars never fully fade, I hope they serve to remind us of what we have to treasure in this life and in all that is to come.

Immigration Part III: A Sense of Entitlement

2009-10-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

Growing up in capitalist America, we learn from a young age that our lives are a culmination of what we make them- good choices, bad choices, hard work or laziness... based on our choices, our lives will generally follow suit.

And we see examples all the time- kids from disadvantaged backgrounds work hard in school, earn scholarships to college and "get ahead." Likewise, sometimes very privileged kids make bad choices to party or skip school and end up dropping out, or even behind bars.

We are the land of opportunity, the land of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, of overcoming obstacles, of making something of yourself. Stories and books and movies all about people earning what they have through hard work, honesty, and good decisions.

I believe in this story too... sometimes. But I do not look back at my life and dare to believe I earned or did something to deserve everything I have. Granted, I did not have to work my way up like my father did- becoming independent at an early age, being the first in his family to think about, let alone go to college. Perhaps he has more of a justification to feel he "earned" what he did.

I, on the other hand, look back at my life and see so many blessings I never brought upon myself. I was born to parents who loved each other and were faithful to each other and who loved me. I was able to play as a child and participate in activities like piano lessons, dance classes, soccer, and theatre groups, always with the support of my family. My mother was always around to help with homework and shower my sisters and I with love and attention. We were all expected to excel in school and given the support we needed to do it. We were shown how to make good decisions by examples in our family and friends' families.

My base as a young child and then a young woman has served me in ALL that I have accomplished and all I will ever be. I have my parents to thank. I have God to thank. As for my own role, I have made some hard decisions and some sacrifices, but because of my upbringing, looking back it all seems relatively easy.

Juan Carlos has worked ever since he can remember. When his mother didn't have money and all they had was a couple cows, his uncle (his mother's brother) "charged" them to keep the cows on his land by using Juan Carlos and his brothers to work for him on his farm for years. He never paid them a dime. They would get up at 5:00am to milk the cows, take them out to the pasture, come home for lunch around 12:00noon, take a shower, and go to school. When Juan Carlos started this routine he was only 7 years old.

By the time Juan Carlos came to the United States at 17, he had already been working over half his life. It was natural just to keep working. Yet, in the now 20 years that my husband has been working, he probably hasn't made as much money as I have in 10. Why is that? Because he doesn't deserve it? He doesn't work as hard as me or others? He didn't choose the right "career"?

Why do we, who are privileged just to be born in a country where we can speak freely, where we can have a public education, where we can generally walk down the street and not worry about who will rob us, feel like we did something to deserve this?

We want to make New Americans (immigrants) jump through all kinds of hoops, years of waiting, thousands of dollars on lawyers and fees, passing citizenship tests that US citizens born here have consistently failed, so they can "earn" what we were born with. I may be crazy but I ask myself, "how is this fair?"

To me, it's like if your parents trust you with the inheritance and they put everything in your name and then, once you have it, you become so protective of it, you start making your brothers and sisters do favors for you or pay you to "earn" their part of the inheritance. You "earned" it because your parents "chose" you? You deserve to live in this country with all of its wealth and opportunity, why?

I will never deny that oftentimes people's decisions are a huge part of what leads them to where they are, but I will also never say that it's 100% of why some people are successful and others are not or why some people are rich and others are poor or why some people live lives others can only dream of. We want to believe we earned our lives because there's security in that- there's justification in that, there's a reason that we should be able to keep our "earnings" and enjoy them ourselves without having to share. If we "earned" our country, than we have a reason to keep our country to ourselves and not let anyone else in. It's safe and it's easy and the pride behind this attitude draws us farther and farther from the truth and from God.

"For what makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not?" (Corinthians 4:7)

Lord, please give us the courage to think honestly and openly about our lives and what we have earned and what has been given to us. Help us to look outside ourselves and see the many other people who work hard, who seek opportunity, who make sacrifices we never see to have what we have. Remind us that everything we have, including our minds, our talent, our ability to make good decisions comes from you, the giver of life. NOTHING in this world is ours and all that you've given us is because you trust us to use it and care for it as your stewards. Help us to use your gifts wisely, thoughtfully and lovingly. Amen.

First Ultrasound

2009-10-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

This week has been incredible. Monday morning my mom accompanied me to a second doctor's appointment, where we were able to hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! I was so thrilled. I didn't quite cry but I definitely got teary. I felt so relieved to know the baby was alive and well in there.

Yesterday, Juan Carlos and I had our first ultrasound with this pregnancy. I was really having a hard time waiting for the appointment, since I accidentally totally overloaded my bladder and we had to get there early and they called us in about 20 minutes late. I just kept breathing and telling myself- this is nothing compared to childbirth- you can do this...

When I laid down, the technician said my bladder was too full to even get a good picture- she could tell I was bursting and apologized that we had to wait so long- then she asked me to do what I thought would be impossible and empty my bladder... but not all the way... I did my best and felt so much better afterwards, so I could enjoy the ultrasound much more.

We were both nervous since the ultrasound with the first baby was when we found out about complications, but she told us everything looks great for what they can tell at 11 weeks. I am planning to call tomorrow just to make sure that's still the story, but we both feel relieved. The baby was quite squirmy and it was fun to see her moving around in there. I am so excited to be able to start feeling the baby kick.

Another fun tradition we've started with this baby is that the name changes every week according to the size of the baby that particular week- I started by referring to the baby as "blueberry" when he was just the size of a blueberry and it stuck for awhile, but then I showed Juan Carlos the baby had grown to the size of a fig, so when I referred to the baby as blueberry yesterday, JC corrected me and said, "No she's a fig now" He calls me during the day and asks, "how are you and "fig"?"

This weekend we are celebrating our two-year anniversary (Oct. 27th) with Juan Carlos's family and we're planning to let them in on the big news then- it will be fun to have pictures too! Most of my family already knows.

Thank you so much all of you that have been praying for us. I promise I will never take this incredibly blessing for granted- I know we are already so lucky and so blessed to have been given two children. Selfishly, I continue to pray that this baby will grow healthy and strong and stick around for a long time, while continuing to thank God for every day He's already given me with our children. Your continued prayers and support are still much needed and appreciated. Thank you again! God Bless!

Immigration Part II: Legality and the Law

2009-10-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's" Luke 20: 25

My purpose of this post is really quite simple. It is to take a closer look at "the law" what it is, why it is and why people do or don't follow it.

Most of the protest I've heard in regards to illegal immigration is that it is, in essence, illegal. People who do illegal things are criminals and do not deserve to be here.

Personally, I have always considered myself a rule-follower for the most part. I am generally a law abiding person, but I am grateful that I follow laws and rules not because they are laws and rules but because I understand why the laws are in place and why my participation in the system is important for myself and for society.

For example, there are plenty of times I probably could have stolen something. If I was only concerned with "getting caught" or only followed the rule because it was the rule, I might have. It's not that I don't steal because it's illegal. I don't steal because, in general, I don't need to and I don't believe it's right.

However, I think the important thing to remember about the law is two-fold: 1) it's manmade and it's imperfect and 2) it can change.

Let me give some examples. Many people I know strongly disagree with the legality of abortion. But it's legal. Is the law perfect? In the 19th century in the US, slavery was legal- did that make it "right" then? Or now? It used to be illegal for women to vote or work outside the home- that changed...

In Nazi Germany during WWII, it was illegal to "harbor Jews" who were trying to escape. But most today would call the people that helped them "heroes"

Immigration law is complex and difficult for me to understand, let alone find a solution to- I understand a nation has to protect its own interests to some extent, but I do think in the case of the United States, there must be more emphasis put on finding ways to match needing people to places that need their labor... legally. There needs to be more emphasis on US foreign policy and fair trade so that countries are allowed to develop their own infrastructure if they so choose, thereby curbing the necessity for people to leave their homes. Briefly, there needs to be more emphasis on the "big picture."

The problem with current enforcement efforts (immigration raids at people's homes and workplaces) is that it is punishing people who are doing productive things like working and taking care of their family and more than anything, it is the enforcement of a broken law. With an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in the United States a couple years ago, something is not working.

We've tried building walls, doing raids, limiting the ability to get IDs, but it's not working. Instead of continuing to push the same antiquated policies, maybe it's time to look at the system and to ask ourselves "what isn't working here?" The draw is still too strong - the push too great to keep people where they are.

I have often thought I would rather abortion be legal and nobody want it than for it to be illegal and have women crossing state or national borders and taking part in risky procedures to do it anyway. Likewise, I would rather have open borders and no one need to come than closed borders with would-be immigrants lining up on one side and our crops dying out on the other, with no one to pick them.

Rather than quickly judge those that break the law, I challenge you to look at the law for yourself and make some judgements about what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. We have such a tendency to want to protect that of our country without considering as closely that of our consciences- that which matters to our brothers and sisters and ultimately, to our salvation.

Lord, please help us to discern what it is you desire of us and of our blessed country. Help us to have the courage to look critically at the law not only through the eyes of our government but through Your eyes. Help us to look at immigrants and immigration law as You see them- with compassion and in a context that illuminates the truth. Amen.

My Generous Mother

2009-10-14T20:39:00.001-07:00

I really am constantly blown away by the generosity of my parents, but especially of my mom. I really don't think she is capable of hearing about a person in need and not doing anything. She has such an amazingly huge heart and is always doing things for other people.

I grew up not always sure if I was going to get to soccer practice on time because if someone was stopped on the side of the freeway, my mom would stop and make sure they were ok and ask if they needed help. In my younger years, this was embarassing more often than not but I've come to appreciate the sincere concern behind this habit my mom had.

My mom has ALWAYS been a volunteer- through school and through church and sometimes through my dad's soccer club, I cannot even count how many projects have been on our kitchen table and kitchen counter that she has done just because it needed done without any monetary reward and usually with little to no recognition. She is the angel behind many conferences, retreats, lunches, dinners, school events, theater productions, sports fundraisers, and innumerable other things.

When my mom goes shopping, she usually spends more than my father would like, but it's almost never on herself. She hears that Juan Carlos's mom wants a new winter coat and goes out and buys one for her. She hears that some kids at school need shinguards and she goes to get them some. And then of course, she's always thinking of my sisters and I in her purchases- at least half my wardrobe is things she has picked up for me, just because...

I've always been fascinated by how my mom interacts with different kinds of people- she can be in a room with the president of a university, a millionaire, a drug addict, a little girl in a wheelchair with cerebral palsey, a monk from India, and a homeless man and she treats them all exactly the same. Sometimes I've questioned whether she's actually blind, because she really seems to see past people's outsides and into their hearts.

She has been a second mom and confidant to countless young people (and sometimes older people) who need her. For some reason, she invites people to share more with her than they might with other adults. She never hides how she feels or changes to try to be "cool" to fit in but she listens and she understands and she gives good, solid, honest, moral advice. I really think young people crave that in a world where truth seems to be hidden amidst so many lies...

I could go on forever, but I just wanted to take a moment (or a couple) to recognize how incredibly blessed I am to have such an incredible woman as my mother. I really feel there isn't anything she wouldn't do for me. I can call her at any time any day- at 25, just like when I was 3. I cherish her and our relationship and am eternally indebted and grateful for everything she's done for me. I only hope someday I can be half as generous as my mom has been. Her example constantly inspires me to give more.

I love you, Mom. You are truly amazing- I can't even put into words how much I admire you. Thank you for being who you are- who God has called you to be- day in and day out. I know it's not easy- the more I grow up, the more I appreciate you and wonder how you did it. I'm so happy we live close and you can be such a big part of my life. I will always thank God for giving me to you and you to me.

Part I: Undocumented Immigrants: Who are they?

2009-10-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have avoided this post for awhile now because I feel the issue is too complicated and complex for me to ever be eloquent about it in a short post, but I've seen so many comments lately regarding how undocumented immigrants should be excluded from the health care bill that I feel an obligation to write and share what I know and believe about the issue. I'm planning to write in 4 parts: 1) Who are undocumented immigrants? 2) Legality and "the law" 3) A Sense of Entitlement 4) Catholic Social Teaching. I really hope you see me through to the end. Even if you don't agree with what I have to say, I hope it will at least help you to think differently about the issue.

I'll say first that I am not an expert, but after studying the issue and living the issue for 7 years now, I know a little- I know, for example, that it is not as simple as people simply waking up one day and choosing to do something illegal for the heck of it.

For a brief example, I think most would agree there is a difference between the following two scenarios:

A) A starving child steals a piece of bread from the local market in order to eat.

B) A rebellious teenager steals an ipod from Best Buy to show his friends he can.

Both are stealing, of course, but the motivation is clearly different and consequently, I think most of us would judge the youth differently.

I look back at myself and on my life and I see abundant blessings. I see being born to parents who loved each other and made me a priority. I see being born in the United States, a land of opportunity. I see growing up comfortably economically with everything I ever needed and many things I didn't. I see being surrounded by family that loves me and supports me. My parents always there to help me with homework, encourage me to excel in school, enroll me in extracurricular activities, coach my soccer team, on and on. I always lived in a safe neighborhood- never had to worry about crime or not having enough to eat or when I would see the people I loved again. I had hard times, of course- times I felt lonely, I was bullied, I didn't fit in, I didn't have friends... but these are tiny problems compared to what so many others face. I look back on my life and I see a life of blessings and a life of privilege, none of which I necessarily "earned" or "deserved".

I had the great honor of being able to meet my husband, Juan Carlos, five years ago. This incredible man has a very different story than mine. Juan Carlos was born in Mexico. His father was killed when he was only four years old. His mother was left alone to raise 3 little boys- 7, 4, and 6 months old. She did the best she could to provide for them, living with family to have a roof over their heads, selling the little her husband had, but by the time Juan Carlos was 12 years old, she knew there was no future for them if she didn't do something. So, she left her precious children to pursue work in Tijuana and later, in the United States. She didn't see her youngest son for TEN YEARS. She worked and sent all her savings to bring her oldest son to the United States, he worked to bring Juan Carlos and Juan Carlos worked to bring his younger brother and cousin. When Juan Carlos came to the US the first time, they told him to dress in his nicest clothes because he would be going through the line. But the plan changed. In his nicest clothes, Juan Carlos walked for 18 hours in the desert. The shoes he was wearing were comparable to a man's version of high heals- narrow and uncomfortable. By the time he got to California, his boots were torn and his feet were completely torn up, full of blisters and bleeding.

Unfortunately, the story of Juan Carlos and his family is not unique to immigrants now living in the United States. Many stories are probably even more tragic. How many people have worked their whole lives just to save enough to make the journey, to risk their lives to cross the border? How many people have died trying to make the trip? If you don't believe me, visit the border- see for yourself. Count the white crosses with the names and ages of all the people who have died- children and adults and those are just the people they have found. I have met people who spent 30 days trying to get to the United States, who practically starved to death, who will probably be in debt trying to pay off the trip for 10 years or more. I have met people who have been raped, tortured, left to die in the desert. And they do this for what? For a chance that I was born with- a chance to be here- no guarantee of a job or health care or education, no guarantee that tomorrow someone won't turn you into the migra and you'll be right back where you started. No, they have no guarantee they'll arrive alive, let alone work and be able to make a life here. But something makes it worth the risk...

I'm not sure that in the US most of us have any concept of the kind of poverty people in other countries face. In Mexico, there is no welfare, no medicaid, no social security, no food banks. In Mexico, if you don't have food, you don't eat. If you get sick and you don't have money to pay for medicine or go to the hospital, you either recover on your own or likely die. There is no safety net, as so many of us in the United States have grown up living with. In Juan Carlos's town, the average pay was around $10/day ($1 an hour). Most go without meat and sometimes eat tortillas with beans 3 times a day because there simply isn't enough money for anything else.

People who cannot earn enough to take care of their basic necessities tend to want to move. Wouldn't you? And oftentimes the opportunities to move up in their own country just aren't there. Not only is it difficult for children who have to work to focus on school, but there is also little hope for many of them that it will make any difference. Too many students continue on to graduate with a bachelor's degree only to become taxi drivers and waiters and never have an opportunity to use their education. Sometimes the jobs just simply are not available.

So, with little to no food, no hope of moving up, and stories about how in the US, you can earn as much in one hour as you do in Mexico in one day, naturally they shift their sights north toward the land of opportunity.

But why don't they come here legally? Why don't they play by the rules?

Good question. I'll tell you. According to current immigration law, there is essentially no way for someone without a very unique, special job (specialized chemical engineer, famous artist, priest) a million dollars to invest or a family member already in the US to get a visa to work/live in the United States. Just to travel to the United States on vacation, people are often required to show they have an investment, property, a business, or some compelling reason to return or they are not granted tourist visas (compare this to what US citizens have to do to travel to Mexico!) So, in short, people generally do not come here legally because they can't. It is either a wait time of anywhere from 10-30 years or there's not even a waiting list.

The US needs manual labor from other countries, but has failed to establish an effective system to legalize the process for workers from other countries to come, even temporarily, to do manual labor in the US. If there were no jobs to be had here, I can assure you no one would be risking their lives, leaving their family, and paying exorbitant amounts of money to make the trip. We've even seen it- the economic downturn has caused thousands to return to their home countries- why would they want to be poor and far away from home? But the reality is if they are coming, it's because there are jobs to be had and opportunities here they could never dream of in their home countries.

Rather than be the baker that slaps the wrist of the starving child and throws him in jail, might we, instead, be able to count our blessings and thank God that we inherited a bakery from our parents and never have to worry about what we're going to eat? Might we be the baker that sees a justice beyond what is in the law that man wrote and do what God would have us do? I believe with all my heart if that baker was Jesus and a starving child stole a piece of bread from him, Jesus would give him another piece.

Immigrants are not even stealing from us- their only "crime" is seeking opportunity, just as so many of our ancestors did so many years ago. Yet, like small children, we tell them "I was here first- this is MY country and I don't want to share it." We forget that nothing on this earth is ours, but that it is all God's. That we were given a gift and a responsibility to use it wisely...

May we see the stories of the people behind the faces of immigrants and may we approach this issue out of love and with hearts of generosity, rather than fear.

Today

2009-10-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

When a couple loses an unborn first child, it's not just a matter of saying goodbye to that child, but also involves wondering whether God will ever bless them with any child to care for and raise and if God does bless them with another child, how will they get through those first several months until the risk of miscarriage goes down and they can be relatively sure this baby's going to stick around for awhile...

When I was 19, on my way to spend 4 months in Chile, the longest I had ever been away from my family, let alone my country, I started to freak out. My younger sister, ever-wise, told me "Don't think of it as 4 months, Janelle. Think of it as today. Just think of what you're doing right now- what you have to do in 5 minutes. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live today." I took her advice and I thought about checking in my bags, walking to the terminal, getting on the airplane and step by step, I spent an amazing four months of my life in one of the longest countries in the world and in focusing day by day, I think I made the most out of it that I possibly could have.

Before I got pregnant I was telling her how I didn't know how I'd be able to do it- 4 months to pass the 16 week mark when I lost Angelica, of worrying, of wondering of waiting....

Again, she told me, "You can't focus on the time Janelle. The time will pass. Focus on today. Today you are not pregnant. But when you are, each day you can wake up and say 'today I'm pregnant and just focus on that one day.'"

And again, I have taken her words to heart. I wake up in the morning, touch my belly and say, "Thank you, God, for another day with my baby- with our baby. "

It really gives me a sense of peace to see the blessing in what I've already been given because I already have something no one can ever take away from me. I have today- this moment- with my precious child- the child God has entrusted me with. I don't know how long this child will be with me here on earth, but I know God has given me today and that gift is all I could ever ask for.

First appointment and TRUST

2009-10-07T17:56:00.000-07:00

So, I had my first appointment yesterday. I was really hoping to be able to hear the heartbeat, but they said it was still too early for the equipment they had to pick it up. I'll have to wait until our first ultrasound on October 21st.

My mom came with me since Juan Carlos had to work late - I am so grateful for her. I told her I was nervous and she gave me this, which she heard on a Catholic radio station she listens to regularly now.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

True
Resolve
Under
Severe
Testing

I certainly feel "tested" lately- from wondering if I am feeling "too good" for the first trimester to being worried about putting on too much weight too fast, I long for a sense of peace- that feeling that everything is going to be ok.

I know now, more than ever, that there are no guarantees- yet, I have to learn to get past that- peace does not come from guarantees that things will work out the way we want, but rather from trusting that regardless of what happens, God will be there.

May God being here with me nomatter what happens finally be enough to give me peace and may I have the faith I need to get through this, for faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1

My incredible husband

2009-10-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

It would have been hard to imagine the first year we were married that I could ever feel this close to Juan Carlos or love him this much. Don't get me wrong- I loved him for sure- there are few other things that would compel a person to make a lifelong committment as profound as marriage out of their free will... but recently, I've just been blown away by his care and concern. His example makes me want to try harder and be better too and now I understand what this sacrament is supposed to be for people.

Even though he comes from a culture where it is not particularly "macho" to clean the house or make dinner, we agreed that since we both worked outside the home, we would both work inside the home as well. It wasn't always this way, but now he does more than his fair share. He takes care of the yard- even getting up early on his weekends to mow the lawn. He's also been helping to make or just making dinner on nights when I have to teach class in the evenings or just come home not feeling well.

I took a group of Latino students to a conference on Friday and Saturday and came home very late (12:30am) on Saturday night. I expected to find the house a mess since I knew Juan Carlos had friends over, with beer bottles and plates and ceviche remnants everywhere, but I was pleasantly surprised to see the kitchen was immaculate when I walked in.

When I went to the bedroom, it looked cleaner than when I had left and when I walked into the bathroom, I realized he had cleaned it all too. That alone was enough to make me want to cry in my state, but that wasn't all. He told me he had taken on another job on Sunday morning so he could make some money to take me out to dinner. And so, after staying up late Saturday night drinking with his brother and cousins, he got up early on Sunday morning and went to work.

And Sunday evening he took me out to dinner. All week I have been trying to mail a letter to my sister for her birthday and I ran out of stamps and haven't had a moment to even run and get some. He knew it was on my mind. So after dinner, while I took him mom home, he stopped at the store and got me stamps. It was so incredibly thoughtful and made me feel so loved.

Such seemingly small, seemingly unimportant things that make a world of difference for a relationship. It's not easy to be responsible or loving sometimes- a person would rather sit down on the couch and relax after work than cut up meat and vegetables and start cooking something. Most people would rather sleep in on a Saturday morning than go to work or work in the yard... but making the hard choice, doing the undesirable, responsible, loving thing instead brings you into such a deeper intimacy with the people you love. And that, in the end, really is worth it.

A new gift

2009-09-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been away again for quite awhile. It's hard to even remember where August and September have gone. August flew by with entertaining chaperones and summer groups at work and enjoying a couple more barbeques before the end of summer. Juan Carlos, Jaime (Juan Carlos's cousin) and I all took a road trip to CA towards the end of August to visit Jaime's sister and her family and that was a great time. It was really a bonding experience for Juan Carlos and I to take time away. The family lives on this huge vineyard where Jaime's brother-in-law works, and it was so neat to just be out in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Carlos was thrilled to be out on a ranch where he could do some firing practice, and he got a little over ambitious and killed a rabbit, which I was not impressed with at the time, but he felt really guilty, so I didn't hold a grudge. And we ate the rabbit, so it felt a little more justified. We woke up to roosters crowing every morning and enjoyed all the different animals and grapes around us. It really reinforced our dream to live on a farm of our own someday.

Then came September.

On September 11th, 2008, a year ago, I found out I was pregnant with our little Angelica.

On September 12th, 2009, one year later, I found out I was pregnant with our second precious child.

Of course I cried and Juan Carlos cried when I told him. We were happy the first time of course, but after so much waiting and praying and wanting, this time was a joy just overflowing with gratefulness. I was and am so incredibly grateful for another chance to be parents. Every day when I wake up, I thank God for another day with this new child. I know there are so many people who would give anything just to get that postive pregnancy test and I feel so thankful just for that- such a simple, miraculous moment and each new day that God gives us.

It's a strange time right now- the doctors won't see me until I'm 8-9 weeks along, so I have no evidence everything is ok- I can't hear the heartbeat or see the baby for myself. I am closer to my baby than I'll ever be yet I have less evidence of how he or she is doing than I probably ever will... I can't help but think of the thousands of women over the years and through the world who didn't or don't have any fancy technology to reassure them- who only have their faith in God to get them from one day to the next. I try to think of them and I try not to worry... though lately it's been especially hard. I'm still so grateful, but I feel myself getting attached and getting scared to lose this baby too. Only the size of a blueberry and yet this tiny person has already captured my heart and I can only pray for the gift of being able to hold a healthy, living baby in my arms in May.

Please join me in this prayer. Please pray for peace for our family during this time of much excitement and yet much anxiety... I don't want to worry- I just want to love, but it's hard not to be afraid sometimes... Thank you for all your love and support. It means so much!

TGIF August 14th, 2009

2009-08-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for:

Drinking coffee and watching silly telenovelas with Juan Carlos
Having a glass of wine and a heart to heart with my mom
My coworkers and their support and encouragement
My beautiful puppy (subject of a future post) that makes us laugh every day
Sleeping in
Being immersed in and surrounded by rich cultural diversity
The discovery of natural/traditional Chinese medicine
My faith
Today

Horseback Riding!

2009-08-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

Since we first met, Juan Carlos and I have been looking for somewhere to ride horses. Everything seemed to fall through. Now, 5 years later, through a connection at work we finally found someone who let us come out and ride. We went last night (the rain didn't stop us!) and it was wonderful!!

It was strange how after looking forward to it for so long, it just felt like "coming home"- it was so natural. It really affirmed our hopes to have a ranch and horses of our own in the future. In the meantime, this is such a blessing to enjoy! I will try to post pictures after we go again...

16 miles

2009-08-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago, on August 1st, Juan Carlos had the awesome idea of going for a bike ride down the Chehalis Western Trail. He had gone with some friends a couple years back and they went far enough to find a river, where they all went swimming (this is the river that Juan Carlos wanted to walk to to propose to me until he realized it was a lot farther than he remembered since he was on a bike when he went and we were walking!!)

I had not been on a bike in probably 12 years (I know that is really sad, but true). We went to my parents' house and pulled the bike down from the ceiling of the garage and Juan Carlos borrowed a bike from a friend.

We made it a goal to reach the water and 8 miles down the way we did it (I was close to giving up but really wanted to get there)!! We went swimming and then rode 8 miles back. I couldn't believe we rode 16 miles after not having even been on a bike in so long. Our bums did not recover for a couple days but it was really fun. It's so important to me to continue to have new experiences together and I love taking advantage of summer and doing active things like this. Definitely something to make a habit of...

Where to start again?

2009-08-10T13:04:00.001-07:00

Hi, I've taken a break from blogging because I found it was more hurtful than productive for me for awhile. The other blogs I read that used to bring me so much hope and inspiration became a means for comparison and I was growing more depressed and bitter, feeling that my life did not "measure up" somehow.

I think the break has been good for me- sometimes it's best for me to live without so much reflection. But I do want to write about some of the small things lately, so that I can capture for myself the ways God works in the details.

Though this very difficult period of suffering will hopefully pass soon, I have a feeling it won't be the last time I feel this way. I hope next time I face difficulty like this, I can find hope and peace in knowing that EVERYTHING, even the very small things, have a purpose and that eventually the sun does break through the clouds, even when it seems like the light will never come.

Thy Will Be Done

2009-07-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

Ever since seeing The Passion of the Christ years ago when I was at Western, the story of Jesus and His suffering has taken on new meaning for me. I think film can be such a gift to the world in its ability to captivate us and help us to actually visualize the way some stories were or may have been.

One of the many compelling scenes that stood out to me was the opening scene, where Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, begging God to take this cup away but praying all the same "Your will be done."

I have said this same prayer at various crossroads in my life, some of the recent few being in times of waiting. Waiting to hear the VIN number was fine and we could take the truck back home, waiting to hear that the baby would be ok and it was all a big scare. I prayed in those moments over and over again, "Your will be done, Your will be done," sure that God's will would be my own, sure that in spite of my worry, everything would turn out ok.

I wonder if anyone else has ever prayed like me, begging God for His will to be done, and then had to face that moment of total shock and confusion when the news comes and it's not the miracle you thought you asked for.

I'm sure that in his humanness, Jesus, too would have preferred that God could save the world some other way- maybe He envisioned that at the moment of betrayal there in the garden, God could have Jesus escape his condemnation with a bold fight or by flying up above those who came to take him away. He could have disappeared and reappeared or worked some miracle to amaze and impress everyone with his power. That would have been story-worthy, proud, happy. That would have been grand and comfortable and marvelous.

There are so many ways that Jesus or his Blessed Mother could have, and maybe did, rewrite the story of salvation in their minds. In the end, though, their prayer was that God's will be done, and, as they are much holier than me, I imagine their prayer came out of a more sincere trust in God's will than my own.

I have been left questioning, though, if suffering is actually God's will. It seems that many people would say it is a part of God's plan and that it does lie somewhere in the dimension of Her plan for us, though I feel like it's normally talked about in a very general kind of way. Having a social justice background in me, I know that many times we take the "status quo" and "suffering" for granted as "God's will" when, in fact, it is our failure to our fellow human beings that causes much of the suffering and pain and hurt in the world.

Did God will Jesus to suffer? Was the way it all happened, specifically, with the betrayal and the rooster and the beatings and the cross all laid out in some all -purposeful plan long before Jesus was ever born into the world? We have analyzed and dissected every moment of recorded history in the last moments of this man's life, finding symbolism and meaning in every movement, but is it the only way this story could have gone that would have been as incredible?

Did God will Jesus to suffer or did God simply allow it? Some may say it's equally horrendous to will suffering or to allow it, but for me, there is a distinction. It is difficult for me to comprehend an all good and loving God imposing suffering on people to bring about a greater good. I suppose you could see it like a child being put in time out, where for them, it is suffering, but it is really for a bigger lesson than they can understand at the moment.

At the same time, if you follow my thought that God, being All Good and All Loving, does not impose suffering, but rather allows it, because God wants and is love and true love requires freedom and true freedom requires us to have free will and free will requires the possibility of making mistakes and has led us into a "fallen world" than I wonder if God really chose suffering for Jesus or rather allowed it, because love could not exist without an option to hate (or fear) and life would not exist without death and salvation without suffering would be meaningless. What is it then that we would be saved from, if not from suffering?

And I wonder if, in my own life, God has allowed suffering not because She wants to punish me before She rewards me or wants to teach me a lesson, but because She is sovereign over everything and just as She could bring salvation to the world through the brutal and tragic death of Her innocent son, She can bring good through this.

The key is in the prayer. "Thy will be done." Jesus prayed that, if possible, God take this cup from Him. All of us probably do the same and beg God to be spared from suffering, as it always hurts and more often than not, leaves scars that never fully disappear. But maybe Jesus's prayer, "Thy will be done" was less about asking God to change the circumstances and more about asking that God fulfill Her will in Jesus.

I have always had this secret thought that if you don't get what you pray for, then maybe you should change your prayer. It's helped me mature in my prayer life from asking for new toys to asking for blessings in the lives of loved ones. I thought I couldn't do better in a prayer than "Your will be done" How much closer can you get to what God wants of you? Yet, when I am shocked that God does not provide what I consider "justice" or does not save innocent lives, even my own baby girl, I must consider that His will is not only in the circumstances but in what He asks of me through the circumstances that face me.

Sometimes we're faced with bad news and I don't think it necessarily means we didn't pray enough or that God is intentionally "putting us through this" to "test us" or "see what we're made of" or teach us something. I think She allows it because true love has to allow it. As much as parents may want to put their children in cardboard boxes at a certain point to protect them from the world, to protect them from the suffering that is out there, doing that would not be the loving choice. When children walk, they can fall down, when they drive, they can get into accidents, when they date, they can get their hearts broken, when they get pregnant, they can lose their babies... but just as parents don't push their children down to show them how it feels, I don't think God inflicts pain just to put us through it.

Like a mom holds her child when he falls off his bike, so God does with us. Of course, his knee is still scraped- Mom can't make the scratch go away or make it instantly stop bleeding, as much as she would want to. The pain is still there- all she can do is hold him. And, God, though it's within His capacity to physically heal us, meets us in our broken world, with the relative and limited boundaries of science and smatterings of miracles to turn our attention toward the presence of divinity in our midst.

Hearing a baby's heartbeat, watching a kicking baby on an ultrasound, giving birth to a healthy, living baby is a miracle because each and every time, there is a real possibility there won't be a heartbeat, the baby won't move or the baby won't be born healthy or living. My aunts, my sisters in law, my friends, and even my mother celebrate their children as miracles because what happened to me and my baby was allowed to happen. Miracles wouldn't be miracles if they always happened. We have to see and experience suffering to appreciate the divine.

Thy will be done, I now pray more openly than ever before, knowing that the road may be long and suffering I never could have anticipated may await me, but it's less about what I'll go through and more about who you'll make me and how you'll use me on the journey. I don't know how I'll be able to give up my dreams of having children if that's what you ask of me, but until I can face my life without children, I will never be able to love them freely and openly as the gifts and blessings that they are. I don't know where I'm going, but I believe you'll be with me. Thy will be done, Lord. Thy will be done...in me.

Tienes esperanza?

2009-07-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

Janelle: Juan Carlos, todavia tienes esperanza? (do you still have hope?)

Juan Carlos: Claro, Janelle. La esperanza es lo ultimo que muere. (Of course, Janelle. Hope is the last thing to die.)

Down again...

2009-07-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have been sinking again lately. Every day there seems to be talk of yet another person who has gotten pregnant for the first, second or third time, while my turn never seems to come. All my prayers and tears over the past year have gotten me nowhere. People say to trust God and to give it to God. Part of me feels like I may be making it harder on myself by distancing myself, but part of me just really doesn't trust God anymore.

How could a God who loves me just watch as I face setback after setback, ignoring all my pleading and all my prayers and just leave me totally alone and abandoned. Nomatter how I look at it, I can't see why it's best this way. What good can come of so much pain? Last year at this time wondering what was wrong with me, only to find out months later I was pregnant and didn't know, and then to lose the baby... so much guilt and worry and heartache and now, a year later, here I am again, only this time it's even worse, because I have to carry the weight of so much hurt from the past year with me.

I want to hear an inspiring story of someone in a hard situation, who has much more perspective and optimism than me.

I want someone to teach me how to love my life for what it is and not always wish it were different.

I want someone to tell me that motherhood and having babies are not the only path to fulfillment- that there have been people who found happiness and meaning without that, just in case my worst fear comes true and I can never be a mother.

I want God to answer my prayers... more than I've ever wanted anything in my life... I want this answered prayer- something to renew my faith and give me a reason to hope again.