So, I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me something. I recently helped out with a class at church on Corporal Works of Mercy- I led the group in Spanish and it was a really great experience. The reading we focused on was about how we need to help other people by feeding, clothing, and spending time with them and how Jesus says, "that which you do to the least of my brothers, you do to me."
Then, I decided to go to mass with my parents on Sunday and admittedly, I haven't really been going regularly. The gospel? The same exact one we worked on a couple weeks ago. Coincidence?
On Saturday, I got a letter in the mail from St. Mike's reminding me to make a commitment for tithing for this coming year. Juan Carlos and I do share our money but tend to do it in big chunks on a personal basis, rather than weekly to church. I thought we had shared a lot this past year- bought stuff his mom needed, gave a couple hundred to someone struggling with cancer, and another several hundred to different families who had lost loved ones (often the providers in their families) here and in Mexico.
Yet, when I saw how much we were supposed to be tithing, well, even 2% of what we could be tithing, I was shocked. This would definitely feel like a sacrifice. Yet, I felt like I needed to go for it, in spite of our current financial situation...
Then, yesterday, I was listening to a podcast on real estate investing- the guy has like 70 and I happened to listen to number 65 or something- kind of random and the one I happened to listen to was about the man's journey into real estate investing and the role of his faith and God in it. He said whenever he hit a downturn, and finally remembered to do a re-evaluation of his life, he would realize his faith life was struggling, either because he was not tithing or he was not praying or something... he also mentioned the importance of generosity and how when he would start to give more of his money and his time, it would always come back to him many times over.
One of the Rich Dad CDs I was listening to mentioned the same thing- that when you want something, give first and then it will come back in buckets.
The idea always reminds me of a time I was in Mexico on my first mission trip. I was 16 years old and feeling left out and lonely. I was looking through the railing on a banister we were repainting and I saw a statue of St. Francis of Assissi and immediately the familiar tune started to play in my head. Make me a channel of your peace.... and the lines, "Oh master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul." And it occurred to me maybe I should reach out instead of expecting everyone else to reach out to me... I have often forgotten but often remembered this lesson in my life and it has always served me.
So, maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell me something...sometimes I think He may not be so subtle. I think we need to base our decisions, our meetings, our financial future in His hands and pray a little more... maybe a lot more. I think I am being called to be more generous, not less... As promising as financial freedom sounds, I think I'm being reminded that unless God is at the center of what I'm doing, I'll be lost. Thanks for your persistence, Lord. I think, just maybe, I'm starting to get it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Lately....
So, classes have been cut ... again and this winter I've been looking at 10 credits as opposed to the 20 I had last year at this time and would prefer to have. Although, I will always be grateful for teaching as a way to get me out of Saint Martin's and give me more time with Danali, the fear I had about it is becoming reality. The last couple months have been consumed with "job hunting" trying to find anything and everything to pick up- from tutoring to selling jewelry to getting my real estate license. Recently, some potential classes came up at Pierce College, where I used to teach, and I thought I was pretty much set. I was bound to get ONE of them, right? and one was 12 credits and one was 17! I couldn't go wrong.
Then, last Thursday, when I was confirming my Friday morning interviews, I got word from both positions within about 5 minutes of each other that they were cancelling the interviews. For one, the class wasn't going due to budget cuts and for the other, the manager hired someone on the spot earlier that day. I didn't even have a chance to interview!
Nonetheless, rather than break down crying, as I would normally have the tendency to do, I felt a sense of peace. Why? I'm not totally sure except that I feel like God is using all this to lead me to something better. I think I've connected so much with the Rich Dad Poor Dad book because he speaks to the lack of security I feel even after pursuing higher education and even having a masters degree. I thought I did everything "right"- studied first, waited to start a family- I should have been set financially, yet, if I decide to stay close to family here in Olympia, my options are seriously limited. Or so it's seemed until now.
Like I mentioned in my last post, my dad and I have been "dabbling" in looking into real estate investing and well, that dabbling has grown and grown. I have now decided to get my real estate license and signed up for a course. I am excited to think there may be a field where my perseverence and patience might pay off, as opposed to teaching where nomatter how good I am at it or how long I wait, there is not really any likelihood it will get any better or go anywhere. I'm at the mercy of government spending for classes and I have to say, that doesn't give me a lot of hope. I'm keeping what I can get of course, for benefits, but I'm also going to try working another field I'm really excited about.
I am also really getting attached to this idea of investing and financial freedom- real freedom- not depending on government handouts or even on a company not deciding to lay you off. I have watched friends and family go through many layoffs and "layoff scares" in the last couple years, leading me to believe that even the "safest and most secure jobs" are hardly that. Another reason to depend on God and try to find financial freedom from another source.
I'm excited about real estate for a variety of reasons, including:
1) the fact that JC and I can work it together
2) there are tons of financial benefits to investing in real estate
3) it is an optimal time for investing in real estate
4) my mom and dad, JC and I are all working on it together as a team and there are many opportunities to collaborate with others
5) it involves constant learning, playing on one of my strengths
6) we get to know successful, motivated people
7) it gives me hope that tomorrow will be better than today
I just keep thinking about what financial freedom could mean for us- I've never wanted money for the sake of money- I'm sure few people do, but there is so much we could do if we had the funds to do it. Some of my ideas are:
1) create a community farm in the suburbs so people can teach their children about animals and where food comes from, even if they want to live close-in to the city
2) Build or buy a house for Amalia where she can fit everything for her daughter, Jasmine, who has cerebral palsey, where she has enough room for her own bed and Jasmine's special bed, a yard for grandkids to play and a nice living room for her family to come visit and a nice big kitchen she can make meals in
3) Pay for a good lawyer and papers for Juan Carlos
4) Donate and support community organizations that we believe are doing great work
5) Financially support friends and family who need it
6) Pay for private school for Danali or be able to stay home and homeschool her
7) Be able to stay home with my kids and not HAVE TO work- have more time with my family
8) Be able to set up a college fund for my kids (and others who need it)
9) Be able to afford a vacation once a year (thus far, JC and I have not gotten away for more than a weekend in 7 years of being together and 4 years of marriage...)
Just some of my dreams so far... hopefully, someday, I can make them reality.
Then, last Thursday, when I was confirming my Friday morning interviews, I got word from both positions within about 5 minutes of each other that they were cancelling the interviews. For one, the class wasn't going due to budget cuts and for the other, the manager hired someone on the spot earlier that day. I didn't even have a chance to interview!
Nonetheless, rather than break down crying, as I would normally have the tendency to do, I felt a sense of peace. Why? I'm not totally sure except that I feel like God is using all this to lead me to something better. I think I've connected so much with the Rich Dad Poor Dad book because he speaks to the lack of security I feel even after pursuing higher education and even having a masters degree. I thought I did everything "right"- studied first, waited to start a family- I should have been set financially, yet, if I decide to stay close to family here in Olympia, my options are seriously limited. Or so it's seemed until now.
Like I mentioned in my last post, my dad and I have been "dabbling" in looking into real estate investing and well, that dabbling has grown and grown. I have now decided to get my real estate license and signed up for a course. I am excited to think there may be a field where my perseverence and patience might pay off, as opposed to teaching where nomatter how good I am at it or how long I wait, there is not really any likelihood it will get any better or go anywhere. I'm at the mercy of government spending for classes and I have to say, that doesn't give me a lot of hope. I'm keeping what I can get of course, for benefits, but I'm also going to try working another field I'm really excited about.
I am also really getting attached to this idea of investing and financial freedom- real freedom- not depending on government handouts or even on a company not deciding to lay you off. I have watched friends and family go through many layoffs and "layoff scares" in the last couple years, leading me to believe that even the "safest and most secure jobs" are hardly that. Another reason to depend on God and try to find financial freedom from another source.
I'm excited about real estate for a variety of reasons, including:
1) the fact that JC and I can work it together
2) there are tons of financial benefits to investing in real estate
3) it is an optimal time for investing in real estate
4) my mom and dad, JC and I are all working on it together as a team and there are many opportunities to collaborate with others
5) it involves constant learning, playing on one of my strengths
6) we get to know successful, motivated people
7) it gives me hope that tomorrow will be better than today
I just keep thinking about what financial freedom could mean for us- I've never wanted money for the sake of money- I'm sure few people do, but there is so much we could do if we had the funds to do it. Some of my ideas are:
1) create a community farm in the suburbs so people can teach their children about animals and where food comes from, even if they want to live close-in to the city
2) Build or buy a house for Amalia where she can fit everything for her daughter, Jasmine, who has cerebral palsey, where she has enough room for her own bed and Jasmine's special bed, a yard for grandkids to play and a nice living room for her family to come visit and a nice big kitchen she can make meals in
3) Pay for a good lawyer and papers for Juan Carlos
4) Donate and support community organizations that we believe are doing great work
5) Financially support friends and family who need it
6) Pay for private school for Danali or be able to stay home and homeschool her
7) Be able to stay home with my kids and not HAVE TO work- have more time with my family
8) Be able to set up a college fund for my kids (and others who need it)
9) Be able to afford a vacation once a year (thus far, JC and I have not gotten away for more than a weekend in 7 years of being together and 4 years of marriage...)
Just some of my dreams so far... hopefully, someday, I can make them reality.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Dabbling
So, recently, my dad has gotten pretty excited about the investment and income potential in the world of real estate and he's gotten me starting to look into it as well, which has consequently gotten me doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.
You see, I have always tended toward the side of life that attempts to give no importance to money- of course it's necessary but I have tended to look at it more as a necessary evil than anything else. I tried to make up my mind to be happy regardless of what money I did or didn't have rather than aspire to earn more. Maybe that was what seemed "right" or maybe that was what seemed "easier" It's hard to be sure. Dabbling in the investment world, talking about pay days of $1000 or more (sometimes a lot more) seems both crazy and is challenging my previous intuitions about how "chasing" money can lead us away from true fulfillment.
In my "dabbling" though, I have seen some consistent messages come through about how happy and fulfilled these "rich" people really seem to be and how driven they are and in touch with their "purpose" they are.
It kind of makes me want to scrap the fluff novels we're reading in 91 and instead read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" or "Success Principles" or something that may actually make a big difference in these students' lives.
Which brings me to what's really on my mind- my life's purpose. I have always struggled to find it- I don't have many obvious talents and I don't have many people in my life gifted at pointing out subtle things I may do well (nor am I good at seeing my own strengths) so "life's purpose" has gotten put on the back burner while other priorities have taken over in the front. But, honestly, it's not working so well- it's harder- a lot harder- for someone like me to take the daily ups and downs in stride when I don't have something bigger driving me.
I feel like I've lost touch with the prayer, the reflection, the perspective and the patience that used to keep me more centered. Instead I'm scattered, flustered, frustrated and oftentimes just really confused- ready to move on to the "next step" but not sure what it is and why I'm taking it.
That being said, I'd like to record a few reflections I have managed to find time for:
The vocations I believe I've been called to:
Mother
Wife
Teacher
Interests and Passions:
Different cultures/languages
Different ways of living and experiencing God
The resilience of people
Ways people get through the hard stuff
Social justice
Faith
Some of my beliefs:
I want to be someone who people miss because they love having me in their lives.
We love people who help us to love ourselves and bring out the best in us.
So, do I know my life's purpose yet? Have I reconciled the idea of pursuing more financial freedom and security with the whole concept of trusting God will provide? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there. Stay tuned...
You see, I have always tended toward the side of life that attempts to give no importance to money- of course it's necessary but I have tended to look at it more as a necessary evil than anything else. I tried to make up my mind to be happy regardless of what money I did or didn't have rather than aspire to earn more. Maybe that was what seemed "right" or maybe that was what seemed "easier" It's hard to be sure. Dabbling in the investment world, talking about pay days of $1000 or more (sometimes a lot more) seems both crazy and is challenging my previous intuitions about how "chasing" money can lead us away from true fulfillment.
In my "dabbling" though, I have seen some consistent messages come through about how happy and fulfilled these "rich" people really seem to be and how driven they are and in touch with their "purpose" they are.
It kind of makes me want to scrap the fluff novels we're reading in 91 and instead read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" or "Success Principles" or something that may actually make a big difference in these students' lives.
Which brings me to what's really on my mind- my life's purpose. I have always struggled to find it- I don't have many obvious talents and I don't have many people in my life gifted at pointing out subtle things I may do well (nor am I good at seeing my own strengths) so "life's purpose" has gotten put on the back burner while other priorities have taken over in the front. But, honestly, it's not working so well- it's harder- a lot harder- for someone like me to take the daily ups and downs in stride when I don't have something bigger driving me.
I feel like I've lost touch with the prayer, the reflection, the perspective and the patience that used to keep me more centered. Instead I'm scattered, flustered, frustrated and oftentimes just really confused- ready to move on to the "next step" but not sure what it is and why I'm taking it.
That being said, I'd like to record a few reflections I have managed to find time for:
The vocations I believe I've been called to:
Mother
Wife
Teacher
Interests and Passions:
Different cultures/languages
Different ways of living and experiencing God
The resilience of people
Ways people get through the hard stuff
Social justice
Faith
Some of my beliefs:
I want to be someone who people miss because they love having me in their lives.
We love people who help us to love ourselves and bring out the best in us.
So, do I know my life's purpose yet? Have I reconciled the idea of pursuing more financial freedom and security with the whole concept of trusting God will provide? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there. Stay tuned...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
In the small things
There's a wonderful sentiment that another amazing woman shares on her blog about why she blogs that I can totally relate to and that is that we do it so we can look back and see God's influence and work in our lives- not just in a general way but in the small things...
Being an adjunct instructor has encouraged me to leave a whole lot in God's hands- mostly because I don't have any other choice. I don't know what schedule or what income each quarter will bring. With budget cuts, the future always remains highly uncertain, but somehow, since I took the chance and left Saint Martin's, I feel like God has totally taken care of us.
Today I have been reflecting a bit on the "small" ways God has worked that I did not foresee. When I was originally asked to give up the level IV writing class I have loved teaching and teach a grammar and communication class instead, I was pretty disappointed.
However, after the first couple days I have realized that in spite of planning for two classes instead of one, I feel like I am able to be a more interesting, engaging instructor for those couple shorter classes which is really nice. Another bonus is that level IV this quarter is huge and I have no idea how I would have taught the class the way I normally do with one on one time with each student and spending a lot of time on everyone's essays. God was clearly watching out for me in giving me classes that don't require nearly as much grading.
Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to and sometimes, it's a good thing.
Being an adjunct instructor has encouraged me to leave a whole lot in God's hands- mostly because I don't have any other choice. I don't know what schedule or what income each quarter will bring. With budget cuts, the future always remains highly uncertain, but somehow, since I took the chance and left Saint Martin's, I feel like God has totally taken care of us.
Today I have been reflecting a bit on the "small" ways God has worked that I did not foresee. When I was originally asked to give up the level IV writing class I have loved teaching and teach a grammar and communication class instead, I was pretty disappointed.
However, after the first couple days I have realized that in spite of planning for two classes instead of one, I feel like I am able to be a more interesting, engaging instructor for those couple shorter classes which is really nice. Another bonus is that level IV this quarter is huge and I have no idea how I would have taught the class the way I normally do with one on one time with each student and spending a lot of time on everyone's essays. God was clearly watching out for me in giving me classes that don't require nearly as much grading.
Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to and sometimes, it's a good thing.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Back to blogging
Well, I have been away awhile trying to focus my free time on my beautiful little one and on trying to tend to my home, run errands, etc. all those things which seem to consume entire days for weeks and weeks until a person finally has a moment to take a breath and wonder where the time went?
All has been well, though. I am still loving teaching. My summer schedule and classes were amazing- some of the most focused, studious, hard-working students I have ever had and very long but fulfilling days teaching from 9-3:00 every day.
Usually, I've been able to plan before and after classes and had almost the whole summer planned out ahead of time so that's been awesome. Then, I can go home and really be home. Plus, Fridays off are a huge bonus. I spend Fridays doing housework so I can actually enjoy Saturday and Sunday. I have taken advantage of many summer festivities- swimming at the lake, going to parks, soccer games, country music concerts, camping- it has been wonderful!
I am so grateful for all the time at home this career at this point in my life has afforded me. Whenever I get overwhelmed or feel like I'm working a lot, I just think back to those 8-5 days working for a boss who loathed me and feel grateful all over again.
Dani started walking around 11 months and has taken off since. Now, she loves to zapatear (sp?) or as my mom calls it "do the happy dance" which is basically a one year old's version of running in place. It is awesome. I am so impressed at all she has learned. Now we can say, "do you need your diaper changed?" or "Do you want to take a bathie?" and she will go get her diaper or go to the bathtub. She has been jabbering for months now, but we haven't gotten many words out of her, at least not many we can understand... last night she finally figured out how to say "mama"- maybe she will actually call me that at some point.
Juan Carlos is working for VRC Construction, the company he started with his cousin, still. He has big dreams but it is slow going getting a company off the ground and there are lots of challenges between people who do not want to pay them enough or who throw in a lot of last minute details without compensation to materials not being ordered on time for them to work when they need to to people taking up whole days with estimates and then deciding at the last minute not to have the work done. It's all a learning process, albeit a sometimes frustrating one but little by little we're compiling our list of "what not to do again" and I believe in him. He's the kind of person who will work until his dreams become reality.
Now that I have given you our "mid-August Christmas Card" update, I'll leave it at that for now, but stay tuned. I have missed my blog and being able to share things on my mind, so I plan to make time for this little hobby a little more often again...
All has been well, though. I am still loving teaching. My summer schedule and classes were amazing- some of the most focused, studious, hard-working students I have ever had and very long but fulfilling days teaching from 9-3:00 every day.
Usually, I've been able to plan before and after classes and had almost the whole summer planned out ahead of time so that's been awesome. Then, I can go home and really be home. Plus, Fridays off are a huge bonus. I spend Fridays doing housework so I can actually enjoy Saturday and Sunday. I have taken advantage of many summer festivities- swimming at the lake, going to parks, soccer games, country music concerts, camping- it has been wonderful!
I am so grateful for all the time at home this career at this point in my life has afforded me. Whenever I get overwhelmed or feel like I'm working a lot, I just think back to those 8-5 days working for a boss who loathed me and feel grateful all over again.
Dani started walking around 11 months and has taken off since. Now, she loves to zapatear (sp?) or as my mom calls it "do the happy dance" which is basically a one year old's version of running in place. It is awesome. I am so impressed at all she has learned. Now we can say, "do you need your diaper changed?" or "Do you want to take a bathie?" and she will go get her diaper or go to the bathtub. She has been jabbering for months now, but we haven't gotten many words out of her, at least not many we can understand... last night she finally figured out how to say "mama"- maybe she will actually call me that at some point.
Juan Carlos is working for VRC Construction, the company he started with his cousin, still. He has big dreams but it is slow going getting a company off the ground and there are lots of challenges between people who do not want to pay them enough or who throw in a lot of last minute details without compensation to materials not being ordered on time for them to work when they need to to people taking up whole days with estimates and then deciding at the last minute not to have the work done. It's all a learning process, albeit a sometimes frustrating one but little by little we're compiling our list of "what not to do again" and I believe in him. He's the kind of person who will work until his dreams become reality.
Now that I have given you our "mid-August Christmas Card" update, I'll leave it at that for now, but stay tuned. I have missed my blog and being able to share things on my mind, so I plan to make time for this little hobby a little more often again...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
11 months!
Dearest Dani girl-
Well, we are almost closer to your one year birthday now, but I am finally writing your 11 month letter. Your grandma and grandpa call you "bushka" as a nickname (even though I already came up with Dani). I love closing my eyes in the middle of the day and imagining your big toothy grin and the way you cruise around on all the furniture now. You've taken a couple steps on your own before tumbling into our arms or catching yourself on the sofa. We are making bets about whether you'll be walking by your first birthday or not.
I have to say I could not imagine how it would ever get better after holding you in my arms when you were born and somehow, you always manage to bring more and more joy to our lives. I love crawling around with you, suprising you behind corners and making you giggle till you can hardly breathe.
I love giving you baths and watching you splash around and try to drink the running water (and the water you're sitting in) and looking up at me and laughing. I love watching you when you've fallen asleep in my arms, exhausted from all the playing of the day and when you wake up in the morning with your sleepy eyes, just wanting to be cuddled for a bit.
I LOVE the way you give us hugs when we ask for them, how you point at all the little kids' faces at gym jam, how you are adventurous and go off on your own so easily to try new things. I love how you learn so fast- how to put things away, what a dog says, where our noses are. I love how you want so badly to be bigger and run around with all your boy cousins.
You are a tough, fiesty little girl with a heart of gold and I just thank God for all the moments He's given us with you already. My heart is full of wonderful memories to cherish with you. Can't wait to see what you'll do next!
Love,
Mami and Papi
Well, we are almost closer to your one year birthday now, but I am finally writing your 11 month letter. Your grandma and grandpa call you "bushka" as a nickname (even though I already came up with Dani). I love closing my eyes in the middle of the day and imagining your big toothy grin and the way you cruise around on all the furniture now. You've taken a couple steps on your own before tumbling into our arms or catching yourself on the sofa. We are making bets about whether you'll be walking by your first birthday or not.
I have to say I could not imagine how it would ever get better after holding you in my arms when you were born and somehow, you always manage to bring more and more joy to our lives. I love crawling around with you, suprising you behind corners and making you giggle till you can hardly breathe.
I love giving you baths and watching you splash around and try to drink the running water (and the water you're sitting in) and looking up at me and laughing. I love watching you when you've fallen asleep in my arms, exhausted from all the playing of the day and when you wake up in the morning with your sleepy eyes, just wanting to be cuddled for a bit.
I LOVE the way you give us hugs when we ask for them, how you point at all the little kids' faces at gym jam, how you are adventurous and go off on your own so easily to try new things. I love how you learn so fast- how to put things away, what a dog says, where our noses are. I love how you want so badly to be bigger and run around with all your boy cousins.
You are a tough, fiesty little girl with a heart of gold and I just thank God for all the moments He's given us with you already. My heart is full of wonderful memories to cherish with you. Can't wait to see what you'll do next!
Love,
Mami and Papi
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
When we give
Well, I've been out of the blogging world except for our monthly letters to Dani just because there really hasn't been time. I definitely have "would be blogs" go through my head often on my drives between different campuses and on errands here and there, but I've been trying to use the time I have at home to just enjoy my family rather than blog about them.
What's different about today? Well, I am finally on the long-awaited spring break and Dani has fallen asleep on my lap.
So, some things that have been on my mind:
My mother-in-law does not drive and does not speak English and between appointments for her and her daughter in the last week (not to mention appointments for my own family) I have felt at times that I would never leave the doctor's office. I have even found myself resenting having to use "my hard-earned spring break" towing Dani around to a bunch of appointments or asking my mom to take care of her rather than playing with her at home. Yet, I am also always humbled when these resentful thoughts jump into my head because I really have absolutely no right to be resentful. I am so blessed and so fortunate in so many ways. Why is it so hard for me to give back, even in small ways, sometimes?
I've been thinking a lot about my mother in law and her daughter Jasmine, who is 12 years old and has had cerebral palsey since her first year of life. Jasmine cannot speak, cannot hug her mother, cannot even give her a smile in thanks for all the days that my mother in law has cared for her. Amalia, my mother in law, hardly leaves the house so she can be home for all of Jasmine's 4 feedings a day every 4 hours 8:00am, noon, 4:00pm and 8:00pm. Jasmine now weighs more than 80 pounds and my mother in law has to move her from her bed to her wheelchair to the seat in the bathtub to bathe her, all by herself. Amalia got rid of her own bed to make room for a twin sized hospital bed for Jasmine. My 50 year old mother in law now sleeps on the floor.
I have struggled to find God's design in this whole situation. Sometimes I want to ask him, "when is it enough?" just like the disciples did... How much do you want this poor woman to give with nothing in return. I remember Mother Teresa's words, "When you love until it hurts, there is no more hurt, only love." Is it true? Even I, who am only involved in the perimeter, am exhausted sometimes by the need in Juan Carlos's family. I think of people who go looking for others to help and how often I am overwhelmed by how much people so close to us need so much help. And I feel like I'll never catch up with it all.
I tell Juan Carlos I can relate to the story about the starfish: There was a woman on the beach throwing starfish who had washed onto the shore back into the sea so they could survive. And someone came along and said, "What are you doing? Can't you see that there are hundreds of starfish along this beach. You could never throw them back. It will never make a difference. And the woman picked up another starfish and through it back into the ocean and said, "It made a difference for that one." I just wish I could have that kind of faith sometimes. I get overwhelmed looking down the beach and I do wonder if I can ever make a dent.
I have wondered sometimes what God's purpose is for Jasmine- how does God use a little girl who can't move, can't speak, can't even smile? And I look at myself- at my lack of strength, of patience... at how easy I get weary, how easily I want to give up. I look at my own little girl and think about how, whenever I get tired, she'll flash me a smile or laugh or give us kisses and hugs and how rewarding it is and how Amalia never has that. It just doesn't seem fair.
It's not fair that some lessons come so hard. I remember a good friend telling me when we lost our first baby not to let this "opportunity" go because it could make me a saint. I'm reminded of those words with Amalia. I certainly did nothing "saintly" in those hellish months following my great loss. But she is strong. And maybe God has given her a great opportunity to learn intimately what Mother Teresa meant when she said what she did- to continue loving, without reward, until love is all she knows.
And, as for Jasmine's purpose, perhaps she, without speaking or moving or even smiling, can bring those who know her closer to God, closer to love, than those of us who speak can with words or those of us who move can with action. Perhaps God gave Jasmine to Amalia, and to me, to show us that love, real love is not dependent on the other person loving you back (for God loves those who never acknowledge him) and the time we feel we are "losing" in doctor's appointments, endless feedings, physical strain may in fact be the best spent time we ever have if we spend it in love.
What's different about today? Well, I am finally on the long-awaited spring break and Dani has fallen asleep on my lap.
So, some things that have been on my mind:
My mother-in-law does not drive and does not speak English and between appointments for her and her daughter in the last week (not to mention appointments for my own family) I have felt at times that I would never leave the doctor's office. I have even found myself resenting having to use "my hard-earned spring break" towing Dani around to a bunch of appointments or asking my mom to take care of her rather than playing with her at home. Yet, I am also always humbled when these resentful thoughts jump into my head because I really have absolutely no right to be resentful. I am so blessed and so fortunate in so many ways. Why is it so hard for me to give back, even in small ways, sometimes?
I've been thinking a lot about my mother in law and her daughter Jasmine, who is 12 years old and has had cerebral palsey since her first year of life. Jasmine cannot speak, cannot hug her mother, cannot even give her a smile in thanks for all the days that my mother in law has cared for her. Amalia, my mother in law, hardly leaves the house so she can be home for all of Jasmine's 4 feedings a day every 4 hours 8:00am, noon, 4:00pm and 8:00pm. Jasmine now weighs more than 80 pounds and my mother in law has to move her from her bed to her wheelchair to the seat in the bathtub to bathe her, all by herself. Amalia got rid of her own bed to make room for a twin sized hospital bed for Jasmine. My 50 year old mother in law now sleeps on the floor.
I have struggled to find God's design in this whole situation. Sometimes I want to ask him, "when is it enough?" just like the disciples did... How much do you want this poor woman to give with nothing in return. I remember Mother Teresa's words, "When you love until it hurts, there is no more hurt, only love." Is it true? Even I, who am only involved in the perimeter, am exhausted sometimes by the need in Juan Carlos's family. I think of people who go looking for others to help and how often I am overwhelmed by how much people so close to us need so much help. And I feel like I'll never catch up with it all.
I tell Juan Carlos I can relate to the story about the starfish: There was a woman on the beach throwing starfish who had washed onto the shore back into the sea so they could survive. And someone came along and said, "What are you doing? Can't you see that there are hundreds of starfish along this beach. You could never throw them back. It will never make a difference. And the woman picked up another starfish and through it back into the ocean and said, "It made a difference for that one." I just wish I could have that kind of faith sometimes. I get overwhelmed looking down the beach and I do wonder if I can ever make a dent.
I have wondered sometimes what God's purpose is for Jasmine- how does God use a little girl who can't move, can't speak, can't even smile? And I look at myself- at my lack of strength, of patience... at how easy I get weary, how easily I want to give up. I look at my own little girl and think about how, whenever I get tired, she'll flash me a smile or laugh or give us kisses and hugs and how rewarding it is and how Amalia never has that. It just doesn't seem fair.
It's not fair that some lessons come so hard. I remember a good friend telling me when we lost our first baby not to let this "opportunity" go because it could make me a saint. I'm reminded of those words with Amalia. I certainly did nothing "saintly" in those hellish months following my great loss. But she is strong. And maybe God has given her a great opportunity to learn intimately what Mother Teresa meant when she said what she did- to continue loving, without reward, until love is all she knows.
And, as for Jasmine's purpose, perhaps she, without speaking or moving or even smiling, can bring those who know her closer to God, closer to love, than those of us who speak can with words or those of us who move can with action. Perhaps God gave Jasmine to Amalia, and to me, to show us that love, real love is not dependent on the other person loving you back (for God loves those who never acknowledge him) and the time we feel we are "losing" in doctor's appointments, endless feedings, physical strain may in fact be the best spent time we ever have if we spend it in love.
Monday, March 21, 2011
10 months old!
Wow, I can't believe we are nearing one year with you, baby girl. You are getting more and more fun every day. Grammy took you to the doctor the other day and she said you were already doing things that usually happen at 22 months (like being able to identify people's noses!) I'm a little concerned that "nose" might end up being your first word. ; )
I haven't been as successful teaching you sign language as I originally hoped, but I think you're starting to get "milk" at least.
Our favorite part of the past month has definitely been watching your incredible dance moves. You dance to EVERYTHING, from squeaky toys to the rhythm of exercise machines to your papi's lovely songs. We can't wait to see where all this dancing takes you!
You are starting to give hugs and cuddle, which I especially love. And you are a crawling machine. You get into everything. You love crawling up stairs and now you are opening cabinet doors and drawers. I'll have to spend my spring break doing phase 2 of baby proofing.
You are such a joy, laughing and playing and learning new things all the time. We can't imagine life without you!!
Love,
Your mami and papi
I haven't been as successful teaching you sign language as I originally hoped, but I think you're starting to get "milk" at least.
Our favorite part of the past month has definitely been watching your incredible dance moves. You dance to EVERYTHING, from squeaky toys to the rhythm of exercise machines to your papi's lovely songs. We can't wait to see where all this dancing takes you!
You are starting to give hugs and cuddle, which I especially love. And you are a crawling machine. You get into everything. You love crawling up stairs and now you are opening cabinet doors and drawers. I'll have to spend my spring break doing phase 2 of baby proofing.
You are such a joy, laughing and playing and learning new things all the time. We can't imagine life without you!!
Love,
Your mami and papi
Friday, February 18, 2011
9 months old!!
Dani-
It's hard to believe you've now been outside the womb as long as you were in there! Sometimes I still can't believe we've been blessed with such a beautiful, joyful, active baby. You are just getting more and more fun and enjoyable. You've finally got the hang of crawling and now you buzz all over the place. I've even lost you a couple times when I leave the room for a second and you've snuck into another room or you're hiding out in the bathroom.
Your teeth are coming in like crazy. You now have at least six and numbers 7 and eight are ready to pop through any minute. And you have bit Grammy nose and Papi's toes already!!
Our favorite thing these days is watching you crawl around and pull yourself up on stuff and when you are all gigges and everything seems to make you laugh. You seem to understand when we tell you to come and you're starting to wave goodbye.
You seem to do everything in your power to stay awake like you don't want to miss anything, so it's been hard to get you down for naps and you only sleep as long as I do at night usually.
You're exploring with all kinds of sounds and funny faces. Sometimes grammy and grandpa have gotten you to imitate them but I still haven't. Though, we do have conversations sometimes saying "eh" back and forth to each other.
You love to eat most of the time, but seem to like "real" food a lot more than baby food. Papi and Abuelita gave you grapefruit the other day thinking you would make a funny face and you just couldn't get enough of it. You even like some foods with chile in them.
Our 9 month appt. is next Friday and then we'll find out how big you actually are. All I know is that you better slow down or I'm going to throw my back out again. I have to go to the gym just to keep up with you so I can still manage to carry you around (at least a little).
We love you so much our little pelona! We still thank God for you every day, just like when we were just waiting to see your gorgeous face 9 short months ago.
Love,
Mami and Papi
It's hard to believe you've now been outside the womb as long as you were in there! Sometimes I still can't believe we've been blessed with such a beautiful, joyful, active baby. You are just getting more and more fun and enjoyable. You've finally got the hang of crawling and now you buzz all over the place. I've even lost you a couple times when I leave the room for a second and you've snuck into another room or you're hiding out in the bathroom.
Your teeth are coming in like crazy. You now have at least six and numbers 7 and eight are ready to pop through any minute. And you have bit Grammy nose and Papi's toes already!!
Our favorite thing these days is watching you crawl around and pull yourself up on stuff and when you are all gigges and everything seems to make you laugh. You seem to understand when we tell you to come and you're starting to wave goodbye.
You seem to do everything in your power to stay awake like you don't want to miss anything, so it's been hard to get you down for naps and you only sleep as long as I do at night usually.
You're exploring with all kinds of sounds and funny faces. Sometimes grammy and grandpa have gotten you to imitate them but I still haven't. Though, we do have conversations sometimes saying "eh" back and forth to each other.
You love to eat most of the time, but seem to like "real" food a lot more than baby food. Papi and Abuelita gave you grapefruit the other day thinking you would make a funny face and you just couldn't get enough of it. You even like some foods with chile in them.
Our 9 month appt. is next Friday and then we'll find out how big you actually are. All I know is that you better slow down or I'm going to throw my back out again. I have to go to the gym just to keep up with you so I can still manage to carry you around (at least a little).
We love you so much our little pelona! We still thank God for you every day, just like when we were just waiting to see your gorgeous face 9 short months ago.
Love,
Mami and Papi
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Uncertainty
So, I'm going to break the latest trend of only posting at Danali's monthly "birthdays" and actually take a moment to write a little about myself. I've been reflecting a lot lately. After leaving a negative work environment at Saint Martin's, I was excited to get back into the teaching world, hoping that maybe this would be my calling, my space, my thing to feel good at.
Well, after several months, I think I can say it has and it hasn't been... There have been times I have really loved- helping students through hard times, helping students to get a concept that was hard for them, leading students through well- thought out, well-planned activities that are received well.
And then there have been the days that students seem to argue with me out of nowhere, that they claim I haven't taught them something I should have or they need me to teach them something I feel I can't or the things I plan flop or students drop out or I just feel like I'm making no progress in the face of so much confrontation.
So, I've wondered: Is it hard because I care? Or is it hard because I shouldn't be here?
I recently participated in a "Finding Your Strengths" Workshop with my parish and it has gotten me thinking even more.
My strengths are:
Learner- I love to learn about everything and anything (I would say this is true- Juan Carlos noticed as well one day when I was talking about how I want to learn to give massages or to cut hair and he said, "You want to know everything and I want to have everything..."
Connectedness- I believe things happen for a reason and we are all connected. I believe that this should drive our behavior because if we hurt others, we hurt ourselves and if exploit others, we exploit ourselves. I think this really plays into my tendency toward social justice teachings that emphasize the connectedness of humanity and my desire to know and understand how people live around the world to feel connected to them.
Individualization- I see the individual characteristics and qualities of each person and try to treat them accordingly. But sometimes I'm also overwhelmed in getting to know people because of that I feel I need to know about them.
Significance- I want to be important in the eyes of others and I want to be recognized. I want my work to be a way of life, not just a job and I want to have a long-lasting, meaningful impact on the world. This is just so true. I have realized that being in positions where I am either put down or not recognized has a really negative impact on me and my motivation.
Restorative- I am energized by problems. I can see problems easily and find solutions easily. I think this is true in many respects... when I started at Saint Martins, I immediately identified the problem of the lack of assessment with incoming students. When the ESL program at SPSCC has been under attack because of the lack of revenue, it generates, I wanted to explore alternative sources of funding for the program. Currently, I'm working to resolve gaps in the transition of international students from the Intensive English Program to college courses.
It was a little hard for me to reconcile these at first, especially with the absence of other strengths I might have assumed would be there, such as empathy and something that would speak to "teaching."
And as much as I like the concept of treating all my students as individuals and seeing their unique strengths, it has felt overwhelming to me recently to see all the very different, overpowering needs. I have tried to identify the issues and address them, but more and more keep budding up. It seems as soon as I "put out one fire" and resolve one relationship, another fire arises. So, my strengths really haven't felt like strengths at all lately and I have been feeling as though I'm really not great at anything...
I guess it's times like these though that God uses to call us back to Him, when we can't rely on ourselves anymore- when we don't know how to handle the issues,when we don't know what the future holds, where we'll be, where we're supposed to be, when we have no choice but to fall to our knees and listen again.
Well, after several months, I think I can say it has and it hasn't been... There have been times I have really loved- helping students through hard times, helping students to get a concept that was hard for them, leading students through well- thought out, well-planned activities that are received well.
And then there have been the days that students seem to argue with me out of nowhere, that they claim I haven't taught them something I should have or they need me to teach them something I feel I can't or the things I plan flop or students drop out or I just feel like I'm making no progress in the face of so much confrontation.
So, I've wondered: Is it hard because I care? Or is it hard because I shouldn't be here?
I recently participated in a "Finding Your Strengths" Workshop with my parish and it has gotten me thinking even more.
My strengths are:
Learner- I love to learn about everything and anything (I would say this is true- Juan Carlos noticed as well one day when I was talking about how I want to learn to give massages or to cut hair and he said, "You want to know everything and I want to have everything..."
Connectedness- I believe things happen for a reason and we are all connected. I believe that this should drive our behavior because if we hurt others, we hurt ourselves and if exploit others, we exploit ourselves. I think this really plays into my tendency toward social justice teachings that emphasize the connectedness of humanity and my desire to know and understand how people live around the world to feel connected to them.
Individualization- I see the individual characteristics and qualities of each person and try to treat them accordingly. But sometimes I'm also overwhelmed in getting to know people because of that I feel I need to know about them.
Significance- I want to be important in the eyes of others and I want to be recognized. I want my work to be a way of life, not just a job and I want to have a long-lasting, meaningful impact on the world. This is just so true. I have realized that being in positions where I am either put down or not recognized has a really negative impact on me and my motivation.
Restorative- I am energized by problems. I can see problems easily and find solutions easily. I think this is true in many respects... when I started at Saint Martins, I immediately identified the problem of the lack of assessment with incoming students. When the ESL program at SPSCC has been under attack because of the lack of revenue, it generates, I wanted to explore alternative sources of funding for the program. Currently, I'm working to resolve gaps in the transition of international students from the Intensive English Program to college courses.
It was a little hard for me to reconcile these at first, especially with the absence of other strengths I might have assumed would be there, such as empathy and something that would speak to "teaching."
And as much as I like the concept of treating all my students as individuals and seeing their unique strengths, it has felt overwhelming to me recently to see all the very different, overpowering needs. I have tried to identify the issues and address them, but more and more keep budding up. It seems as soon as I "put out one fire" and resolve one relationship, another fire arises. So, my strengths really haven't felt like strengths at all lately and I have been feeling as though I'm really not great at anything...
I guess it's times like these though that God uses to call us back to Him, when we can't rely on ourselves anymore- when we don't know how to handle the issues,when we don't know what the future holds, where we'll be, where we're supposed to be, when we have no choice but to fall to our knees and listen again.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Dani 8 months old!
Dear Danali-
Well, your top two front teeth came in this past month and this past week, you started inching forward on the floor, though it probably couldn't be considered "crawling" quite yet... Your papi is worried you may never crawl because now you can get around this way... ; )
We've put you in a walker at Grammy's house, but you only seem to go backwards and then you get stuck and get frustrated. You change from happy to frustrated and back to happy in a matter of seconds. I give credit to your father for this attribute.
You are so much fun. You have started pointing at things with your first finger and thumb sticking out. I used to think you were kind of weird but then I realized that's how I point, so now I just think you're pretty smart.
You are eating solids, though I seem to have the worst luck feeding you. You never seem to be very hungry or maybe it's because when you're with me, you just want to nurse. I'm not sure. You have a great time with noodles, carrots and broccoli. And you have this funny habit of eating and leaving the food in your mouth with "no hands" so you look like a little dog or something with the food hanging out of your mouth.
You are still sleeping with us, but I think we'll feel it when it's the right time to move you to the crib. I'm trying to have you nap in there at least. And I'm pretty sure the "right time" is coming soon.
Oh, how we adore you my baby girl. Often at night, as we're getting ready for bed, we'll just look at you and look at each other and think how did we ever get so lucky? We are so unbelievably blessed to have you in our lives. We can't imagine life without you!
Love,
Your Mom (and Dad)
Well, your top two front teeth came in this past month and this past week, you started inching forward on the floor, though it probably couldn't be considered "crawling" quite yet... Your papi is worried you may never crawl because now you can get around this way... ; )
We've put you in a walker at Grammy's house, but you only seem to go backwards and then you get stuck and get frustrated. You change from happy to frustrated and back to happy in a matter of seconds. I give credit to your father for this attribute.
You are so much fun. You have started pointing at things with your first finger and thumb sticking out. I used to think you were kind of weird but then I realized that's how I point, so now I just think you're pretty smart.
You are eating solids, though I seem to have the worst luck feeding you. You never seem to be very hungry or maybe it's because when you're with me, you just want to nurse. I'm not sure. You have a great time with noodles, carrots and broccoli. And you have this funny habit of eating and leaving the food in your mouth with "no hands" so you look like a little dog or something with the food hanging out of your mouth.
You are still sleeping with us, but I think we'll feel it when it's the right time to move you to the crib. I'm trying to have you nap in there at least. And I'm pretty sure the "right time" is coming soon.
Oh, how we adore you my baby girl. Often at night, as we're getting ready for bed, we'll just look at you and look at each other and think how did we ever get so lucky? We are so unbelievably blessed to have you in our lives. We can't imagine life without you!
Love,
Your Mom (and Dad)
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