When God speaks

I think it's clear from my posts in recent weeks and months that I am struggling with patience and struggling with waiting. It's almost harder for me to wait to know the end than to know it's the worst case scenario and begin the process of acceptance- how I sympathize with families that have loved ones "missing" or are waiting on test results or waiting for anything. You want to hold onto hope and be optimistic and yet, you also don't want to give yourself false hope and set yourself up for disappointment.

Is faith believing it will go your way? Is faith believing whatever happens will be God's will? Is faith believing that whatever happens, God will be there and somehow, even in the worst of circumstances, you'll find peace?

I've been reading a book called "The Shack"- a man takes his kids camping and while saving the life of one child, leaves his daughter unattended for a couple minutes, during which time she is kidnapped and killed. Two years later, he receives a note from God and gets to meet and talk to God "face to face" God, of course, must take "human" form to interact with the main character and the core messages of the story unfold.

The book has made me think a bit about talking to God and listening to God and looking for God. Sometimes I wish God would speak louder, give some encouragement, help me know what the heck I'm supposed to be getting out of all these medical scares, all this waiting? Why does it have to be so difficult, take so long? We were all geared up to have a baby in March and now, two months later, when we should be sleep-deprived, never wanting to see another dirty diaper, and overwhelmed with love and gratitude, we are still waiting. I feel like we're stuck in a traffic jam, two hours late and instead of eventually starting to move, day after day passes and we are in a standstill, not sure how far away our final destination even is. We can't get out and walk- we're locked in, stuck, longing, desperate... It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in terms of a frustrating, ongoing, hopeless kind of process. Losing Angelica was incredibly hard and the pain will never fully go away, but at least we knew what we had to accept and with that acceptance, ultimately, came peace. Here, in this place, I just want an answer.

Then, today, I read this on a link from Cheri's blog entitled: "The boy who saved us"

The entry started with details of how much the couple is enjoying their new baby and my heart and head filled with envy, judgement and selfish desire that I, too, could know what it's like and how they would never understand how incredibly sad it is for the baby you pray for to never arrive. Under an embedded movie clip of their son, I read:

Rebecca and I look back at the now seemingly short 5 years of infertility that began our marriage; the days of waiting and longing for a life to share our life with, of the periods when literally everyone we knew was pregnant, or holding a little one in their arms. Our days of seeking help, of discovering adoption at the embryonic level, of Snowflakes, of more sorrows, of miscarriages and then moments with our little Gracie, so sweet and so sad and so short-lived. We were in the Barren Desert, again and again. We were trying hard not to grasp at children as if they were a right. We still hold fast to the truth that all life is a gift, and the timing is in God's time.

That time is now! Now this most unexpected gift of our son has come! And the years dissipate like thin wisps of mourning mist. And the years of "just us" (which in itself was so full and so rich) has only served to heighten our senses and sensitivities to this Small Wonder of a Boy. Every smile, every giggle, every tear, every thing is a grace. So God surely knows and knew what He was doing. We just had to wait it out, and will again in some new form down the road, I'm sure. I just hope we remember the simple truth that "good things come to those who wait."
And that, my friends, is the understatement of the year!

Sometimes God whispers, sometimes God sends notes, and sometimes God shows you truth through other people. I felt that God spoke to me today, through this story...

Lord, help me to trust You again. I've trusted before and felt betrayed. I worry that Your will, Your way, Your time will force me to go through more pain, that I just don't feel I have the strength to face anymore. Please renew my faith that You want the best for me and for all Your children- that You are capable and willing to intervene on our behalf- that You really do carry us during the most difficult times in our lives, times of facing difficult truths, and times of waiting. Help me to believe in myself too- Help me to truly believe you created me with the capacity to be a much stronger, more resilient woman than I feel I can be lately.

Good Saint Anne, Mother Mary, and my precious Baby Angelica- pray for me.

Steps toward leadership

"He that cannot obey cannot command."- Benjamin Franklin

As I've been looking into the future, I'm careful not to let myself stand still in "waiting" - I feel that if in the future I look back on this time in my life and see it as idle, just waiting for something to move myself forward, I will really regret it. However, I'm not sure what to push myself with or where to move myself at the moment.

If I were expecting a child, I would focus on that and preparing myself and my family for a "new addition." I can't very well be in a place of "expecting to expect" and do much with it, so my thoughts have turned to other things- other potential "preparations".

Now that I have "another chance" to prepare us for children and just to reflect on my work and life and where I'm going, I've taken to dreaming up a whole variety of different paths for myself- everything from law school, to teaching certification, to doctoral programs. I realize it may seem like a crazy time to think about making changes when we're trying to have children, but then again, it seems crazy to me to just put all other aspects of life on hold for something that may not happen, or may not happen for a very long time. I think being excited and feeling passionate about what I'm doing and where I'm going again will also take off a lot of the stress and pressure around getting pregnant again, which probably isn't helping anything.

One thing I have realized, though, in all my talks with people about future paths is that being a leader is not about being in the spotlight, especially not right away. Being a leader really has very little to do with my own agenda, doing what I want, implementing my own ideas and getting credit for it. Unlike other things I've been involved in, like theater and my own higher education, leadership is not about me doing what I want or me showing what I am capable of. Working my way into a position where I can have the kind of voice and ability to influence policies and programs the way I dream is essentially going to involve a whole lot of what Alanna would call "humble pie."

The best example I can think of who led the way I feel I am going to have to lead to get there is Christ. Looking back, He was a superstar, but we have to remember that at the time, He was not. He was controversial, intriguing, ultimately brought on a lot of attention, but in the stories I remember, He never sought out the limelight. He did not seek glory and attention and popularity, but rather He sought to serve, to help others find the best in themselves, to share the truth- no more and no less.

I think about what keeps me distanced from my supervisor and so often it is my own pride. I say I resent that she takes my ideas as hers, that she is so quick to reject ideas and projects and plans I worked so hard on and thought so much about, that she leaves me without any direction one second and micromanages the next, that she cannot eloquently explain purposes for certain programs or write clear policies, that she says things she doesn't mean, refuses to give annual evaluations, and doesn't understand the role of "costs" in projecting a budget's true "revenue."

There is a lot I blame her for- a lot of ways I can justify my lack of respect for her as my supervisor, but like with anything, it is a two way street. I can turn all of my criticism back on myself. In a few words from my father and my aunt:

"Your job is to make your boss look good."

"Is it more important that it's your idea or is it more important that it happens?"

These are the words of the wise that make my naive, idealistic world crumble on top of itself. If "my job" is not to make myself look good, my next question is "when is it my turn to be the boss?" When do I get to be the one that everyone else works so hard for? When do I get to make the decisions and get the credit?"

There I go again with my pride. I call it "fairness." It is not fair- it is not just for someone to take credit for an idea that is not theirs. It is not ethical- it is not right for someone to treat you worse because you are female or young or shut you down because you're energetic and passionate.

And the reality is, it's probably not- it's not fair and it's not right. So many situations I've come across here have made me want to run the other way and throw myself out of the 4th floor window to escape the ugliness and ridiculousness of it all. But I realize that flourishing rose gardens don't need new seeds. I can't change the way people treat me or respond to my efforts. I can only control my attitude and the way I respond to them.

And my lesson is that most of the time in my life right now, I need to respond with a lot more humility. I need to realize that, although I know a lot, I still have much much more left to learn. Today, I am not the boss, but today I can get one step closer by learning how to be a good employee- I can do something to earn my supervisor's trust, I can do something to show her respect, and I can do something to learn from her.

Sometimes being the "main part" is a lot easier than playing the "supporting role", but as anyone in theatre knows, those "supporting roles" can make or break the performance. Sometimes important work goes unrecognized by most people, but, as my aunt pointed out, "God knows who does what and, ultimately, most people do too..."

So, here's to taking one more step towards leadership by taking one more step towards servanthood.