Grappling with prayer

Tonight's theme at Alpha was prayer- something I could ponder and talk about for hours... I have changed the way I pray and what I pray for a lot since being a child.   Or maybe I haven't.   I used to pray for things I thought would make me happy- the main part in a play, a snow day, a horse.   Later I thought of more justified requests- financial security, love, health, my own children.   Because now I guess there are bigger requests to fill for my happiness.  Does God disapprove?   I don't think so.  I think he knows my heart is in the right place, though he may chuckle to Himself a little listening to me sometimes or He might cry with me as I ask Him why some mothers hurt or kill their own children, why kids bully other kids, why cancer takes the lives of good people with families who need them, why soldiers are returning from war without limbs, why some women who really want children can't get pregnant.   I don't think god " gives" this to us, as in that saying " god will never give us more than we can handle".  But as evidenced in all these circumstances, god does allow these things to happen.   Sometimes He intervenes as if to say " keep praying- it works" or " I really am here" but I am not one to shy away from the hard questions and the truth is sometimes He doesn't stop seemingly horrible things from happening, so what about those times?  I really don't know but I heard a song today that touched at this question.   For the whole effect, I recommend the music video, but these are the lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurastory/blessings.html

 We pray for blessings

We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

It's ok...

"It will all be ok in the end.   And if it's not ok, it's not the end."  - Paulo Coelho

I wonder how many times us parents have uttered these words to our children, as infants who wake up crying for one reason or another or no apparent reason at all, to our toddlers and young children who fall down or crash their bicycle, to our teenagers who suffer a broken heart.  Even as an adult I yearn for this reassurance from my parents at times.  It's ok; it will all be ok...

Being the mother of a newborn again, we are back to have crying be the main form of communication and sometimes my newborn (and my toddler also for that matter) cry for no apparent reason.  Or sometimes they may be worried or scared or hurt or angry but I, the all-knowing mother, ; ) can see that really it is all ok.

Even when my newborn cries because she's hungry or needs changed, I know what she needs and don't even really need her to cry to tell me.

And I wonder about how people often compare God to a parent and wonder if God really is like a parent if our prayers to God are kind of like a baby's cries.  That really God already knows what we want and God also already knows what we need.  I often think that prayers are really more for us, to remind us that we're not alone, that God is there, and that S/He is holding us, nomatter what we're doing or where we go.  It reminds me of Lucia when she cries and cries and then finally calms down and rests cradled in my arms- it's that moment when her will meets mine and she is comforted and at peace.

As I've learned over the years that my plan for myself is probably not ultimately the best for me, I have changed the way I pray and find that rather than asking for whatever I think I want, I just pray "Your will be done." and ask for peace, grace and comfort for myself or those that need it, (which is really asking myself and others to be open to it because God as a perfect parent will offer it regardless.)

I still don't understand a lot of things that happen in this world- child abuse, cancer, torture, and all kinds of other painful, horrible experiences people go through.  But I do believe that when we give these things over to God and give ourselves over to God, that we can become vessels of something much greater than we ever imagined.  We can turn tragedies into stories of inspiration and hope. 

Whatever I am called to face now and in the future, I just pray I can be a little more like my peaceful, sleeping girls, resting in God and trusting without a doubt, it really is ok.

3 weeks old!

Dear Lucia-

You are growing so fast!!  You were 8 lbs 7 oz at your 5 day appointment and 9 lbs. 3 oz. at 2 weeks!  You are my mellow girl, pretty content just eating and sleeping and lately you've been opening your big blue eyes more and checking out the world.  You are very tolerant of your very affectionate big sister wanting to hold and touch and kiss you all the time.

Everyone says you are beautiful.  Papi's side of the family especially loves your blue eyes and the fact you have dark hair like them ; )  You already look quite different than your blonde curly haired older sister!

You certainly live up to your name and have already brightened our lives so much.  You sleep pretty well at night, especially if you're being cuddled and you're warm.  For the first few weeks you were up every two hours on the hour but now you seem to be going longer stretches... we'll see if that lasts.  In the meantime, I am grateful for the sleep and the fact that you eat quickly and go back to sleep easily. 

In general, you are "easy" content and beautiful.  We can't wait to see how you and your personality grow over time.  I am trying to soak in this awesome time of cuddling you as a newborn, appreciating the little ways you curl up in a ball and how you need me, knowing it will go by so fast.  But I also dream of you and Danali being able to take baths together, play tea party and soccer together, and grow that precious sister bond...

We love  you so much, Lucia! 

Love, your mami and papi

Lucia's Birth Story

Lucia was a little "special" from the beginning. My original due date was July 19th, but was later changed to August 1st at our first ultrasound because I got pregnant about 2 weeks later than would be expected. At the 20 week ultrasound, we went in fully expecting to find out if she was a boy or girl only to leave as ignorant as when we arrived since she didn't let us see- pretty rare nowadays so we were forced to be "surprised" and surprised we were!!

All signs from people's comments as to how I was carrying to supersticions about gold chains swinging and cupcakes led us to think she was probably a boy. We were trying desperately to come up with a name we both liked. Our "backup" girl name I had fallen in love with many months ago- if Danali got a little sister, she would definitely be "Lucia"- "Lucy" for short.

Lucia didn't come on August 1st- that would have been much too predictable... neither did she wait a week like her older sister did to make her entrance. Instead, she gave almost no signs she was ready to appear until late Thursday evening. I had a tiny bit of "show" but read that labor could start anywhere from hours to days after that. We were with Juan Carlos's mom Thursday night having dinner and went out to my car to find it had a flat tire- a VERY flat tire. We had to call JC's brother for a ride home.

Around 10:00pm I got a pretty intense contraction. I waited awhile, took a shower and contraction kept coming but pretty far apart. When I went into labor with Danali, they were close together right away, so this was new for me. I wasn't really sure if it was "real" labor or at what point I should go into the birth center, where I was planning to give birth. After an hour, I called the midwife. We talked for about 7 minutes on the phone and I didn't get any contractions in that time. She said it could well be "false" labor and I should try to get some rest. I probably wouldn't be ready to come in until contractions were less than 5 minutes apart. So, I went to lay down again and did actually doze off several times between very intense contractions. The contractions seemed long and I just did my best to breathe through them and not wake up Juan Carlos or Danali who were sleeping just to my side.

Around 2:00am, I got an incredibly strong contraction and urge to bear down. I moaned and rolled out of bed, waking Juan Carlos up. He held my hands as I knelt by the side of the bed, worried that I had peed everywhere. The contraction lasted several minutes and I just told him, "why won't it stop? why won't it stop?" He kept reassuring me it would. Then, I moved to the bathroom and again got a huge urge to push. This time, I could feel the baby's head crown and I knew this little one was going to come out at home. I told Juan Carlos I could feel the baby's head. He frantically asked me who to call and if we should go to the hospital. I told him I wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital and I didn't know who to call because no one was going to make it in time. He was panicking and saying, "please don't do this to me" The nice thing about "pushing contractions" (for me anyway) is that there is a bit of a break between them, during which time I searched for the midwife's number on the phone and called her to say simply, "the baby is coming" She tried to get directions from me and then my husband. She said she was on the way and told me to lay down and try to breathe through the contractions rather than push. I got through one like that but the next was too powerful. I couldn't help but push. The baby's head was halfway out. She stayed on speakerphone with us. She told me to move to my hands and knees, get the rest of the head out and then wait. I got the rest of the head out, but couldn't really "wait" so I told Juan Carlos he needed to help pull the baby out. By this point, he was focused. He told me later he remembered when he helped deliver baby animals in Mexico. He watched me to see when I was pushing and gently helped pull Baby Lucia out. He placed her on the bed and in my hurry to see if she was ok, I turned around quickly and without realizing it, broke the umbilical cord. Constance, our midwife, was coaching us through and told us to wrap the baby in a towel and she would be there momentarily. She was a little later than she would have been because in the excitement, we forgot to tell her the last turn she needed to take to get to our house.

A long 3-5 minutes later, she arrived and quickly started helping to check the baby and me and clean up (I hadn't really been thinking about the mess I was making in this whole process). She realized the cord had broken and the baby was a little pale from some blood loss due to that, but ultimately, everyone was ok. My mom and sister arrived shortly after the midwife and everyone stayed a couple hours helping to clean up, get me food and water, help me bathe, etc. I am so grateful to have been cared for so well and so proud of my brave husband for delivering our perfect little daughter.

You may be wondering what two year old Danali was doing this whole time. Well, she woke up during my very strong contraction, according to Juan Carlos (I was oblivious) and sat calmly from her crib at the side of our bed watching the entire thing. So, if they can get people to recall memories from back when they are two at some point, she'll be able to tell the story better than me. Lucia Yareli Garcia Martinez was 8lbs. when she was born and today, at her 5 day visit, she weighed 8 lbs. 7 oz. so she is growing quickly. She was exactly as long as Danali when she was born at 21.5 inches. She has a headfull of dark hair and is absolutely beautiful (but then again, I am biased). Danali is loving being a big sister. When Juan Carlos delivered Lucy, he turned to Danali and said, "mira, tu hermanito" (look, your little brother/sister- we still hadn't looked to see which) and Danali just started smiling and laughing. Later, when my Mom said, "look, Danali, your sister Lucy" Danali said, "I love you sister Lucy." She gives Lucy a lot of attention with kisses and pointing out when she opens her eyes and makes funny faces. It has been hard occassionally for her to not have all the attention but overall, she is doing great and still has plenty of people around to dote on her. I am so excited for the years when they will be able to play together and become great friends.

I am doing fantastic. No tears this time around has helped me to be incredibly comfortable and I'm shedding the baby weight faster than expected this time. I would feel a bit more overwhelmed I think if Juan Carlos hadn't been around this past week and without all the help and support from my parents, just because it is a BIG transition to taking care of two. I feel bad for Danali that we have to tell her "no" so much now because she'll want to be too rough with the baby or get into the baby's things, etc. and I can't take her out so I feel like she gets bored at home, but I trust with time we'll get into a routine and it will get a little easier...

Juan Carlos is a proud papa and has still been able to get away and spend time with friends, etc. so I think that is helping him keep his sanity too. He is trying to stay busy with work the rest of summer, so keep him in mind if you need any work done like decks, roofs, siding, etc.

We feel so incredibly blessed. There are always innumerable things that could go wrong during pregnancy and birth and the following days and thankfully, everything has gone miraculously right. God is so good. I remain in total awe of the miracle of life and how simple, yet miraculous it all is. Thanks for all your support, wishes, and prayers. I have no doubt they have contributed to a smooth transition for us. Please keep in touch.

Uncomfortable

When my dad and I went to San Diego for the "Rehabber's Bootcamp" a theme came up that has been resonating with me a lot lately- the value of being uncomfortable. I think I am like many, most even, in that I tend to avoid discomfort in general- whether it be emotional or physical. I tend to like to do things I'm good at, avoid rejection and unpleasant feelings and dwell in this generally comfortable space. I don't like exercising beyond what's "comfortable", I don't want a tattoo because that would be uncomfortable, I avoid confrontational people and situations... You get the point. As I think about our society in general, at least the circle of people I tend to be around, I think there is a strong tendency toward staying in our "comfort zones" whatever those might be. Obviously, some people are totally comfortable doing things that would terrify others but the point is that I'm not sure how often we really think about or see the value in stretching ourselves. I remember smirking to myself (inside) when I had a student last quarter who was explaining to me that he wanted to work by himself rather than in a group because being in a group made him uncomfortable, as did reading out loud, doing presentations and a variety of other class activities. I told him it was ok that he was uncomfortable but it was still a required part of the class, knowing that I had a specific intention to help students learn and grow through their discomfort. Yet, how often do I take on "discomfort" for the sake of my own growth? Having the strength of being a "learner", I do desire to be good at many things, but going through the awkward "becoming good" at them is another story... so I usually stay where I am. Lately, though, I've decided that growing is more important than the growing pains it will require. To be a good real estate agent, I will have to become more outgoing than is comfortable for me. To be a good mother, I will have to be more confrontational sometimes than is comfortable for me. To be a good teacher, I will have to put student needs ahead of my own and try things that are uncomfortable for me. And to be a good wife... well, I think I have and am already pushing myself quite a bit in that area ; ) I'm still pretty new to this approach, but I've already had some breakthroughs in going out of my comfort zone asking for help, being assertive and getting our internet and TV bills lowered for the next year, making phone calls to other brokers about the house we're trying to sell, etc. It's scary to put myself out there- I worry the person on the other end will think I'm incompetent or naive or won't care about my request. I worry about feeling rejected, disappointed, embarrassed, but when I really weigh what's the best and the worst that can happen and I put my own ego aside, I have found that it's not as difficult and daunting as it originally seemed. I used to use the excuse that "it's just not me" or "that's not who God made me" but now I'm starting to think that sometimes God makes us precisely to set us up for getting over ourselves, our fears, and other things that hold us back. Maybe I was born an introvert so I would rely on God to get me through the discomfort of becoming someone friendly and outgoing because when we're uncomfortable, we're vulnerable and when we're vulnerable, God is able to do His greatest work through us since we're less likely to let ourselves get in His way...

Gratefulness

There is a scene from a baseball movie I don't remember the title of where a young girl and someone else (maybe her father) are looking at the stars and talking about whether and why they know there is a God and it's explained that when you get that feeling of gratitude looking at something so beautiful that you know there is a God because if you're thankful, you must be thankful TO somebody... From an early age, I remember being taught to show gratitude. When we would open our birthday or Christmas presents, we needed to say thank you because a gift was not really about whether you wanted it or not. If someone got you something you particularly desired, that was an extra bonus, but we had to say thank you nomatter what we got because the gift was about the fact that someone cared enough for us to think about us and get us something they thought or hoped we would like. (And just like in life, some of the best gifts are things that aren't on our wishlists...) Recently, though, I have become acutely aware that not everybody was brought up in the same way as my sisters and me. There are a lot of people in my life with a lot of needs- both material and emotional and I have found that in trying to play a positive role in their lives and counteract that need with "gifts" both financial/material and emotional that I am not always or even often met with the sense of gratitude I would expect. Granted, I realize I should not do things just to be "thanked" but I must say I also don't do nice things to feel criticized. So, this whole idea of giving and gratefulness has been on my mind a lot lately and I'm unsure what to think or how to feel. On one hand, I know everyone has a right to react however they want to anything I do and it's usually more a reflection on them than me, etc. However, does God want me to keep getting "beat up" over giving because I don't "give" the right thing? In Juan Carlos's family, you see, it is very different than in mine. It is not enough to get new clothes for all of Dani's 12 cousins at Christmas, but we have to be careful about where we get them and what brand they are if we don't want to be criticized by the recipients as being "cheap" and "thoughtless" We have known families that don't have silverware or tupperware but when my mother has offered to share hers, Juan Carlos has told me they would be offended to receive something "used." On the one hand, I know it must be a "special treat" to get something "name brand" or "brand new" especially if it is not a common occurence, but on the other, it is upsetting to me that people would be so proud as to refuse the help someone can give because it's not the "perfect" help they expect. Ultimately, though, I guess that regardless of what I think or what I do, I cannot change anyone else- only myself. So, I am left with questions like, "Do I give what I can knowing it might come back as criticism that it wasn't the right "kind" of gift?" "Do I just stop giving altogether?" "Do I give only what I KNOW will be appreciated?" "Do I need to be appreciated or can I just give and let whatever consequences come from it happen as they may?" I like to think that being a grateful person, rather than being proud and critical, has its own rewards. Essentially, I think gratefulness is the ability to recognize the blessings in our lives- the things we did nothing to "deserve" but that are there for us nonetheless. For myself, I think that being able to look at each and every gift - material, physical, emotional or spiritual and feel thanks for it would certainly bring more joy into my heart and into my life. So, for today, right now, my prayer will be that I can recognize all the things I have to be grateful for and remember to say thanks for them. I will pray for the strength to do this amidst others who may not. My aunt posted a thought on facebook that has stayed with me for awhile now, "What if tomorrow you woke up with only the things you thanked God for today?" A beautiful reminder of how each and every one of us really does have so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to reflect on it for a moment.