Well, maybe it's a little early to be looking back, but it seemed like a good place to start. Juan Carlos and I got married this past October and have been enjoying our new life and confronting new challenges since. I can't believe how much closer I feel to Juan Carlos since we got married and have been living together. I also can't believe how well he knows me. All that time I thought he wasn't paying attention... They do learn- we should give men more credit sometimes.
Some days it is more incredible than I ever dreamed. And then there are those other times that are more challenging than I ever anticipated. I thought it would be hard enough to learn to cook, to work full time and keep the house in decent-looking condition, but now I think if only it was that easy...there are also so many unanticipated responsibilities, not just cooking but cooking to a chef's liking and eating at a decent hour when most Mexican dishes take hours to make. Not just cleaning but cleaning expecting it to last only five minutes before the floor and carpets are once again covered in dirt and there are dishes in the sink. Plus, I can finally sympathize with my mother's desire for a clean kitchen...something I never thought I would understand.
Marriage isn't about always being together, but loving each other enough to let the other person do things that make them happy, even if you're not necessarily a part of that. It has been hard being "happy" about Juan Carlos spending his Saturday nights "out with the guys" and yet, I know it's something he looks forward to all week and the loving choice would be to support him rather than guilt trip him into staying home with me.
At first, I approached it all wrong... I thought it was about getting through all the cooking, cleaning, and lonely nights so I could finally sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and watch a movie with my husband. But after some reflection, I realized that those less than appealing moments about patience, about letting go, about being humble- those moments are meant to be cherished, not "gotten through." Those are the moments that give me a chance to grow, that give me a chance to try again and react better the next time, that prepare me for the self-sacrifice and unconditional love and perseverence that motherhood takes.
I won't pretend I never complain, that I never get upset over dirtying dishes and floors I just cleaned, meals I've prepared that go uneaten, or lonely Saturday nights. But I am trying to see those things- those moments in a different light. I am trying to be present in the moment and take it in for all it is, rather than always anticipate "what's next." I think this is the difference between living life and just getting through it. It's a way of making each moment a moment of prayer of gratitude, of hope, and of love.
