7 months (over a week late!)

Danali-

Well, all I can say is I am very thankful that my job let me on vacation just in time to give you a little more attention. The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. After your 6 month vaccinations at the beginning of December, you got sick with a fever for several days. You also had diarrhea You became dehydrated and lost 3 pounds in four days (from 20 pounds at your 6 month visit to 17 pounds a couple days later...)!! The doctor said if we couldn't get some liquid in you, we would have to admit you to the hospital to get IVs so you could become hydrated again.

It was a very challenging Thursday. Grammy came over to help and we tried EVERYTHING! Pedialyte, apple juice, water, breastmilk and every combination- through bottles, sippy cups, glasses and droppers. I did not think we were successful but somehow we did get your weight up again.

But after that, you never seemed to really get all the way better. You kept having a runny nose and being congested and that pesky little cough just wouldn't go away so I took you in again. They tested for RSV and that came back negative. They prescribed a nebulizer and medicine to loosen up all that flem in your chest. I've been trying to work between the doctor, the insurance company and the pharmacy to get a hold of that medicine- it's been a little complicated.

And in the meantime, this past week, we've kept you plenty busy with Christmas celebration after Christmas celebration. We went to visit family in Oregon and you got a little overwhelmed but by the end of the time, you were happy as a clam rolling around on the floor, impressing everyone and you even opened a present all by yourself!! We were so impressed!! You're a natural! You got some fun gifts like bilingual maracas and really cute clothes.

Then, we had a quick stop in Gig Harbor on the 24th to see some cousins there. Your cousin Jessica would not let you out of her sight and you also brought many laughs and much joy to relatives there. On the way from Gig Harbor to Lacey, you decided to scream the entire time, only finally falling asleep when we arrived at our destination. I thought you would definitely crash again shortly after that, but the lively music and energetic kids with your Papi's family kept you up and active until we finally came home around 1:00am.

On the 25th, you went to visit the Davolios for a little while so I could enjoy our tradition of going to see a movie on Christmas with your grandparents and aunts. Then we came to pick you up, went home, opened some presents, and then your Papi and Abuelita came over for an amazing dinner your grammy made. It was wonderful. Since your sisters were leaving the next morning, we stayed awhile after dinner and talked and caught up. You had a blast playing with grandpa, grandma and your aunts. They all love you so much!!

Yesterday, we slept in, made breakfast here, went to mass, opened presents with your abuelita, and then went down to a "Nayarit" restaurant because your papi was craving aguachile. Your uncle and abuelita went too.

And today, we are just taking it easy. I think Mami might have gotten whatever you had and we're both pretty exhausted anyway. Very merry first Christmas outside the womb baby girl!!

Highlights over the past month include:

1) Front top teeth look like they are ready to break through any minute
2) Mami realized you are over six months old and "solids" are not "extra" anymore so we're trying to work those into your diet more regularly but since we're not giving you beans or anything with chiles in it, it is harder than I expected...
3) You roll around like crazy and sometimes you will get on your hands and knees and rock but still no crawling...
4) You sometimes get into a really talkative mood and will babble on and on
5) Your grammy says you are starting to copy sounds and movements but I haven't seen it yet
6) You papi saw you standing up in your crib but I still have not seen anything like that
7) We've noticed you have excellent hearing
8) You love to play and discover. One of my favorite memories is when you were in your exersaucer and you threw your head back as you often do for some reason and you just happened to hit a little bug thing that played a song. You kept moving around throwing your head back again and again trying to make it play the song again.
9) You love to talk to yourself in the mirror
10) We still love you more than ever!!

You are such a gift to our family, my precious girl- can't wait to see what the coming months hold for you and for us!! We love you with everything we have!!

6 months!!

Danali-

My beautiful, sweet, loveable cara de tortilla. I can't believe you are aready 6 months old!! You are sitting up now and a couple weeks ago you got your first tooth!! Your second one just came through yesterday! I wish I had gotten more pictures of your toothless smiles! I didn't realize they would be gone so soon... You have your check up next week, the day before Thanksgiving. We're not exactly sure big you are but you are already wearing 12 month clothes so you're definitely growing fast!

Your grandmas are still taking care of you while I go to work. We are so incredibly blessed that they are here and willing to help. It is nearly impossible to get you to smile for pictures it seems. You have quite the serious, thoughtful expression most of the time, but whenever we tickle you, you giggle and that is my favorite! Our goal this month is to finally get you into that beautiful nursery and crib we have set up for you so mommy and daddy can have their bed back. But it will be hard because we'll miss sleeping with you as much as you'll miss us, I think!

You're eating a random selection of food, from beans to cereal to bananas and even tiny pieces of meat. So far you eat everything and have not rejected anything you've tried. We love you tons, my girl and look forward to getting to know you more and more!

Love, your Mami

Flood Heaven with Prayers

A very good friend of mine has a one year old son and a couple days ago, the doctors found a tumor on his windpipe. Today he has a CT scan, MRI, and bone marrow testing. Please flood heaven with prayers for him and his family.... Thank you...

Five Months

Danali-

You turned 5 months old on Monday, but your mommy has been so busy, she hasn't had time to write until now. You are a beautiful baby! You still don't have much any hair, but your great grandma insists you are "all girl" You are a lot more fun now. You rarely cry unless you're hungry or tired. You spend half the week with one grandma and half the week with the other. You are so loved!

You were baptized last Sunday. Your Godfather, Ramon, came up from San Diego to be a part of it and your aunt Shelly came down from Seattle to be your Godmother. It was a fun day and you behaved so well! You fell asleep just before they were going to baptize you. When they poured water on you, you cried as if to complain they woke you up and then you fell right back to sleep.

Everyone gets surprised about how big you are. You are easily over 20 pounds and wearing clothes for 9 month-olds already. You love music and you really love going outside. Sometimes if you do get into one of your crying fits, just going outside calms you down. You do really well being passed from person to person and it makes everyone want to hold you that much more. You seem to love games and attention and if you're ever left alone too long, you definitely let us know.

Your grammy took you to get your 4 month shots recently (we got a little behind) and she said you smiled at the nurses just before, cried when they gave you the shots and then smiled at them again before leaving. Your great grandma insists you are the smiliest baby she's ever known and very smart.

Your papi gets frustrated with you sometimes because you'll get fussy with him and then I'll take you and you'll calm down. He asks "what is the difference being with me or being with your mom?" He just doesn't know, does he, but we do...

I love you so much- more and more every day. In some ways I can't believe you're only 5 months old because I can't really remember or imagine our lives without you as a part of everything we do and think about.

I can't wait to see how you continue to grow and how your personality develops!

All my love,
your mama

Being Called

There is nothing like feeling really called to be where you're at in life. I still remember when I was selected to be peer minister of social justice my last year in college at Western and how I felt so called to it. I knew it's what God wanted of me- I felt God's presence in my life and my work- I was in a good place.

I have been wondering lately what God is calling me to or what He is ultimately preparing me for. I seem to have this idea that all my experiences are leading up to some "perfect career" or "final plan" and I've been wondering how it's all going to come together- my degree in Spanish, my masters in International Education, my experience at Saint Martin's, my bilingual/bicultural home life, my desire to be there for my family, my passion for social justice- how is it all going to come together? What is the "perfect" most satisfying place for me?

And recently I've been thinking maybe life isn't a perfect math equation where 2 +3 +4 +1 = 10. Maybe it's not about the "Sum" but rather about being called to being where we are in any given moment.

Me teaching right now doesn't necessarily mean this is where God will want me for the next decade or even the next several years, but it is where He wants me/can use me right now. I need to let God work through me in teaching these particular classes, with these particular students, this particular quarter. I need to let God work through me in my family, with my friends, with all those that are in my life right now, whatever I happen to be doing today.

Regardless of where the future takes me, God has called me to the present. Maybe I need to let go of what the "ultimate" vision for my life is and just try to focus on how God can use me today and let the rest unfold...

Pat on the back

The days lately have been flying by. I didn't understand how a baby could make a person so much busier, but it's all becoming clear now. I still don't have any real defined routine, but here's a general schedule of how things used to go and how they go now:

old Schedule
7:00am- Wake up, maybe sleep in a few more minutes
7:15- Shower, get ready, eat breakfast
7:55- Leave for work (5 minutes away)
12:00pm- Lunch
5:00pm- Leave work
6:00-8:30- Teach class (2 days a week)/ Go grocery shopping/ Make and clean up dinner
9:00pm- home to relax...
10:00pm- Bed


5:30am- Wake up
Shower
Pump
Nurse if the baby wakes up
Eat breakfast while entertaining baby if she wakes up
Change diaper because baby would have surely blown it out if she has waken up
Wash and pack up the pump
Pack the diaper bag with enough diapers, wipes, bottles, don't forget the top to the bottle, hopefully I remembered to put the ice pack back in the freezer so its cold, remember the BabyRub and blue suction thing if baby is sick and throw in a couple toys
6:45- Get out of the house (only this early on a good day)
7:00- Drop baby off at one of the grandma's houses
7:20- Arrive at school
Grade papers, make copies, get ready for class
8:00am-10:00am- Teach
10:30- Visit Dani at grandma's house, eat lunch, pump or nurse
11:45- Leave for next class
12:00- Prepare, make copies, etc.
12:30- 2:30- Teach
2:30 - Check and answer emails
3:00- Pick up Dani
Grocery shopping, errands, take Amalia to the gym, phone calls, planning, grading, make dinner, nurse, pump, put on a load of laundry
5:30- Have dinner
Nuse, continue grading/planning while trying to entertain, feed, change, and bathe Danali for the rest of the night until we head to the bedroom around 9:00
9:00-10:00- sing songs, nurse, play until Dani and husband fall asleep
10:00-11:00- Try to grade those papers I never got to and fall asleep
2:00am- Feeding
4:00am- Feeding
5:30am- Start all over again...

Crazy and busy and yet oh so fulfilling... By about 11:00pm each night, I secretly give myself a pat on the back just for getting through another day- It may not seem like much but to me, it's always quite an accomplishment.

Are we happier?

After class today I ended up talking with a guy from Colombia for awhile. He told me about how he was a national leader in his country, owned his own business, and lived on an island that was protected by the nation. He told me about how he met his life in a crazy turn of events, how he spent two years in the military, fighting the FARC, the revolutionary group in Colombia trying to overthrow the government in favor of socialist rule. We talked about drug trafficking and kidnappings and he said something interesting. He said Colombia has different sides. One side is very dangerous and ugly, but the people, the people are so happy. They don't have much. They live day to day but they are so grateful and so happy. He said that here we have everything- more technologies than we could ever need, help from the government, many opportunities but the people are sad. They always want more....

And I have to say it is so tempting. I still remember the first "mission trip" I took to Mexico and how that week without showers or clean clothes, sleeping on the torn up floor of an old church, I was so happy. I didn't care what I looked like, had no one to impress. My only worry was being in right relationship with the people around me and with God. And I don't wonder anymore why Jesus teaches us so many times to "get rid of your things"- throw away your riches and follow me. Or what that story means when it talks about how it's harder to get to heaven when you're rich than it is for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle...

Oh Lord, help me simplify my life. Help me get rid of the junk - all of the things I don't use and don't need. Help me to work harder sometimes- to wash dishes by hand every once in awhile so I don't lose appreciation for the technologies around me. Help me to slow down and accept a pace that isn't "productive" for a change. Sometimes it isn't about gaining more and more- it's about recognizing the value of what you already have... with health, food, shelter, support and love in our lives, Lord, I don't know how we could ask for anything else...

Thoughts and Feelings

I've been feeling pretty confused lately about my "direction" and "future" I've become pretty discouraged about my chances of becoming full time faculty at a local community college. I've been tossing around ideas of going to get my PhD, going to law school, just trying to focus more on family, and trying to decide where I can best use my gifts, serve my community, support my family, etc.

In the meantime, though, I am very happy teaching and being out of Saint Martin's. I feel like the things that are stressful now are worth being stressed over. I've had a couple classes "flop" or become awkward for one reason or another but other than that, it's been really enjoyable. I've been working MANY hours and haven't gained much time overall like I anticipated I would but I have gained a lot of flexibility in how I spend my time and I feel like it's been easier for me to take things "day by day" and not get overwhelmed.

I also read a couple pages of a book by Steven Covey called "The 8th Habit" (a followup to 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) and one line especially stood out to me. My former supervisor would always talk to me about how I had all this unused "potential" and he was talking about managing our families and empowering our children to take responsibility and said something like, "sometimes we believe in the potential of a person and not their worth, so we think it's not worth it to take the time, patience, self-sacrifice, etc. necessary to "invest" in them" He also talked about how when we're missing parts of our own self-worth, it's hard for us to believe in the worth of others... just got me thinking...

Juan Carlos, Danali and I are going to be a "host family" for a Japanese student in a program where we invite her to do things with us but don't necessarily have to have her spend the night. Since JC's brother is still living with us and occupying our third bedroom, this seemed like a great way to be involved with the resources we have...

Danali's baptism is also coming up on October 17th! I can't believe it's nearly October already! Time has just flown by recently! She will be baptized at Sacred Heart Parish in Lacey, WA at the Spanish mass with a huge fiesta to follow! Two of her cousins (one born last week!) will be baptized with her. My sister, Michelle and Juan Carlos's best friend, Ramon, will be the godparents. We're really excited!

Happy 4 months, Danali!

Danali-

You just get more and more fun as time goes by and we are falling more and more in love with you. I love that you are now seeming to recognize me when I come home after work or wake you up in the morning to get ready to go. You smile when you see your papi and I and it is so rewarding! I saw you roll over for the first time today. I had you on your tummy at your abuelita's house and I went to the bathroom and came out and you were on your back, but I had missed it! When I brought you home, I missed you rolling over again when I left the room for a second but I put you back on your tummy and watched as you toppled over onto your back!

Overall, you are a happy little girl and mostly only cry and fuss when you are hungry and tired. You STILL are NOT sleeping through the night! Though you're doing better and better... we want to start giving you rice cereal to help you stay full longer. The doctor says you are a "snacker" but it's hard for me to help you change that.

You are in the 95th percentile for height and weight!! At four months you are 25 inches long and 16 lbs. 13 oz.- a big, healthy girl! Some people don't believe you are only 4 months old! You are starting to grab things- you want to hold your own bottle and you fall asleep clinging to your abuelita's gold necklaces. Your grammy got you a johnny jump up and you love it! You cry when you're left alone and love and expect attention from everyone all the time.

Oh, and you got your ears pierced a couple weeks ago and your earrings look very pretty. You cried less for that than you do when we leave you alone for 5 minutes to throw the clothes in the dryer.

How we love you, my sweet girl! We can't wait to keep getting to know you! You are our world and we thank God every day for you in our lives!!

Love,
Your Mom

Pray Without Ceasing

Kristine reminded me the other day of that idea to "pray without ceasing" in her blog (I would add a link but don't know how- please feel free to enlighten me...) and I really love that concept, as it makes the most of every moment.

Today, I found myself thinking once again about everything I had to do and running through all the obligations in my head until I could finally come to that nice "relaxing" spot around 8:30pm or 9:00, right about the time we head to the bedroom to start getting ready for bed. I found myself feeling frustrated that this cherished time wasn't longer- that there were so many hoops to jump through first.

But then I thought... what if they weren't hoops? What if, instead of feeling like stopping at the store was a drag I could find a way to glamorize it, to make it feel like a privilege in my head, to ENJOY it? What if making dinner was not something to "get through" but again, something to dwell in and something to enjoy? What if it was all something to love doing and to put love into?

What if it was all a prayer? Then, there would be no wasted moments, no hoops to jump through, no obligations and responsibilities to get out of the way to make room for something "fun"- it would all be a conversation with God- I would see Him in everything and everybody and I would live as if it were Heaven here on Earth, with God by my side in everything I did. What a beautiful thing to strive for- a prayer in all the simplest, silliest, smallest parts of our day- a prayer without ceasing...

Passion Project

I am hoping that in my new positions teaching ESL and Developmental Reading that I will be able to work with populations a little closer to my heart. I have loved working with international students of course and admire them for the risk they take in coming here and being vulnerable to a new language and culture and all that they might learn about themselves and others... but I also have such a passion for working with people who have had harder lives and have the courage to return to school and bring such rich life experience with them. I am excited for the conversations that can take place and the things we can learn from each other, the ways I will be challenged to look at things from another perspective and appreciate the resilience of people who have come through tough stuff.

In the midst of this I am also taking up a project close to my heart. I am going to collect stories to submit to a local newspaper called "El Informador" about immigrants who have come through difficult things. I can't wait for the excuse to meet and get to know people better and to have a part in bringing words and a voice to their stories. I am just doing it on a voluntary basis and so I consider it a kind of "passion project" I feel so strongly about how important it is for people to feel heard and understood and share about themselves and so I can't wait to be a part of that.

I also want to thank you all for your prayers- I feel like I am really in a good place right now- a place that God wants me in and I'm not sure I would have been as open to this if it weren't for you praying for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Being Back and Moving On

Many people say that in going back to work after being on maternity leave, the first few days are the hardest. For me, they were the easiest and only into the second week did I really start to feel the full-time work pull on me as I realized this was going to be the routine from now on. I started missing Dani like crazy and wishing something would come through so I could be with her more.

Well, it didn't take too long for my prayers to be answered. South Puget Sound Community College offered me two sections of a developmental reading class, in addition to the ESL class I was planning to teach. That brings me to 20 credits for fall, which will keep us where we need to be financially. The best part? This new arrangement will get me 3 more hours every day with Danali than I would have otherwise.

It's a little risky because the contracts are quarter to quarter so they can never guarantee anything, but I felt like it was a risk I was being called to. I said a prayer and everything lined up so I think this must be the direction I need to take right now. It's really asking me to trust in God- but ultimately I guess even full-time positions can give us a false sense of security- we never know what is going to happen anyway, even though we like to pretend we do.

So, here I go, with mixed feelings about leaving behind amazing coworkers, students who are close to my heart and a handful of people around campus that I've gotten particularly close to- here I go onto new adventures and to affect new lives in new ways.

Lord, please lead this journey- help me to find you in all the people I meet and ALL the work I do.

Three Months

Dear Danali-

Today you turn 3 months old. One short year ago, I could only dream of holding a baby as precious as you and now, here you are. I love your smile most of all- it is contagious. Nomatter how sad or frustrated I feel, when I see you smile, I have to smile myself. You have grown up so much already. From a small, vulnerable newborn who seemed to scream every time you woke up and realized you were no longer in the womb to an alert, curious, very large (10 lbs at 4 weeks and 12 lbs 13oz and 24 inches at 8 weeks) ; ) young infant.

You are grabbing things now- my hair (you've been doing that for awhile), my necklaces, blankets, and toys we hang in front of you. You rolled over once but it might have been by accident. You still wake up 2-3 times each night usually but you go back to sleep quickly. You are outgrowing your bassinet but your papi and I don't really want to put you to bed in a big crib in your room yet...especially if you're still waking up every couple hours.

We love you SO much! You spend some days with your Grammy Peggy while she's looking for a new job and some days with your Abuelita Amalia. They both shower you with love. And when we get home your papi and I hold you and kiss you constantly. In fact, in those rare moments no one is looking at you, you put up quite a fuss to get attention again.

You love going outside and looking at the trees- you have always loved this. Your abuelita told me today you were desesperada por agarrar las hojas de las plantas. You are quite unpredictable- sometimes so cheerful and content and sometimes so grumpy and we don't know why. And you often change your mood like the weather in Washington- from one moment to the other you can be completely different.

Now, when we put you on your tummy you hold your head up and look around. I love the way you look in this position but haven't captured a picture yet. You are getting so strong!

I really love picking you up when you are sleeping in your carseat and you are so tired your legs stay all curled up when you stretch just a little as I take you out. I can't wait for your hugs and cuddles as you get older. In the meantime, I love nursing you and rocking you to sleep.

You make all kinds of noises now and sometimes you won't stop talking and gurgling and squealing. We love to try to see what will make you make all those funny noises. My favorite is when you get really excited about something and your big blue eyes get huge and your legs start kicking really fast and you squeal as loud as you can!

You are absolutely beautiful, with very long eyelashes. The Martinez family says you have your grandpa and my eyes. Many people say you have your dad's round face and you definitely have taken after him with your long legs. You are white as can be and we wonder if you'll stay that way... your hair is coming in slowly- I can't wait until it's long enough to put in pigtails.

Happy 3 months outside the womb, my precious little girl. You have blessed our lives in more ways than we ever could have imagined. Through countless sleepless nights and dirty diapers, we would do it all a thousand times to have you- you are beyond worth it! All our love- we can't wait for all the ways you will impress and surprise us!

It takes a village...

They say it takes a village to raise a child and I sure feel like that with Danali. My first weeks of being a mother were basically baptism by fire and though it's gotten a little easier, I rely so heavily on those around me for everything from childcare to late-night advice.

Recently, my mother and my mother in law have been sharing taking care of Dani during the week while I'm working.

And JC and I never seem to sit down at home. The other day I felt totally overwhelmed by everything I needed to do and was starting to get annoyed that Juan Carlos wasn't helping more... until I realized he WAS!! We were both going non-stop between cooking, cleaning, nursing, giving a bath, getting ready for bed, getting ready for the next day, etc.

I have to say working outside the home full time and being a mom is A LOT of work- the only time I sit and relax is when I'm nursing and I treasure that time!

But of course, it is all worth it. I just feel so fortunate to have family around to help out. At the baby showers before Dani was even born, I realized that she is coming into such a warm, caring family (on both sides) that loved her even before she was born! What an awesome blessing! I am so excited for all that she'll learn, not just from me but from her aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and friends of the family who have been so generous with us and with her.

It is sometimes hard to share my little girl after not seeing her much during the week, but I am really trying to remember that God did not just give Danali to us- He gave her to our family and to our community and I really want our blessing to bless those around us too.

It's been amazing to me how waiting an extra 5 or 10 minutes for someone to hold her or cuddle her totally brightens their day. It's so neat that just by being, a baby can have such a positive impact on those around her.

Thank you, Lord, for our precious little girls and for the village we have surrounding us and supporting us in raising our little Danali.

So Happy

I thought that going back to work would turn everything around and I would be stressed out again, but I went back last Wednesday and so far, I still feel so happy in general. I absolutely love my baby with all my heart and I love being a mom. I feel hopeful about something coming through work-wise so I can spend more time with my family and I feel really fulfilled. What an incredible time to just soak up. I'm trying not to take any moment for granted.

Thank you, Lord, again and again for all the amazing blessings in my life, especially my little girl and my family. I feel so supported by my parents, my mother in law, and my incredible husband- their help gives me the opportunity to relax and feel that much better about going back to work and fulfilling the obligations of being a mom, so that I can also really enjoy it. I am so grateful!

More on Immigration

Disclaimer: I know I'm touching on a controversial issue here but I feel really compelled to clear up some misunderstandings about undocumented immigration and immigrants in the United States and to give an alternative perspective to a heated issue. I really hope if you disagree, you will tell me. I would love to know what people's concerns about immigration are, so I can educate myself more and get closer to the truth. In the meantime, this is the way I see and understand things. I hope if nothing else, it helps you think about this differently than you did before.

Myth #1: Undocumented immigrants live off of welfare and handouts from the government.

First of all, this is essentially impossible, since anyone without a valid social security number doesn't qualify for welfare or for most government - funded social programs. The way some people qualify is by having citizen children- the benefits are in the name of the children whose parents have limited income, not the parents who are undocumented, but being born in the US is what made most of us citizens- questioning the validity of that would beg the question of citizenship for many others. Furthermore, many if not most undocumented immigrants pay taxes- the government provides people who don't have social security numbers with a special number just so they can pay taxes. Whether or not they pay taxes formally each year, most have federal and state income tax taken out of their paychecks just like everyone else on payroll. They pay taxes and then cannot reap the benefits of their tax money in many regards.

However, regardless of taxes and immigrant contributions, from a moral perspective, aren't we called to give to the needy whoever they may be? If someone was here undocumented in the United States and couldn't pay for food or afford a hospital bill, would God have us turn them away because they aren't a citizen? I know it's hard to think of our hard earned money going to someone else and it's tempting to justify reasons it shouldn't and we should be able to keep it- trust me, I get angry about how much taxes the government takes out too, but if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that what I have is not mine- it is more a result of blessings God has given me than anything I have "earned" or "deserve" I look at many people who risked their lives to be here, who work long hours for little pay, who have to overcome language barriers, stereotypes, and cultural differences to get ahead and I wonder if I can really even pretend I am more deserving than them of being here, working where I do, making what I do. I am so blessed- whether I share through charity or through my tax dollars, I think sharing is what God would ask of me. God probably would ask me to put others first when my needs are not met, let alone when they are.

Myth #2: Undocumented immigrants are terrorists and drug lords.

Undoubtedly some terrorists and drug lords come to the US illegally. Then again, some terrorists and drug lords are born in the US. Usually, there are deeper issues that influence people into these lifestyles- situations of desperation and fear. Perhaps we would be wiser to address issues like poverty and insecurity at their roots rather than increasing border patrol. Furthermore, most druglords have a tendency to stay in Mexico since they are more likely to be able to get out of jail if caught there than in the US. Very few of them supposedly ever come to the US. However, wherever they are is somewhat irrelevant to me in some aspects.

I have grown up with a strong faith in God, His people and the Church. But what I always learned was that God is God of the whole world, not just one country. I would think God would be just as sad to see a gang member, a terrorist or a drug lord be "kept" in Mexico as He would be to see them come into the US. It's not where they are- it's the fact that they exist that is the problem. It's strange to me to see people who talk about being pro life or Christian to justify national security efforts in the form of immigration raids and mass deportation as us "protecting" ourselves. Protecting ourselves from who? From people who long for work? Not even for dignified work in many cases- just work to meet their basic needs, pay their bills, support their families back home... I don't think terrorists and drug lords are hanging out working 10 hour days at meat packing plants and in the orchards of California. On the other hand, countless families are separated by these raids and mass deportations. Children separated from their parents, from their siblings. Don't we have a responsibility to think about them? Are people not people anymore just because they cross the border illegally?

Myth #3- If it's illegal, it's indisputably wrong.

I think all of us could think of at least one law we dont agree with- big or small- the drinking age, a speed limit, abortion, homosexual marriage, cigarettes, alcohol, you name it- there are numerous examples of times that human made laws have been morally unsound. I realize that a nation has a right to protect itself, (though I personally believe that "protection" is more effective by nurturing healthy relationships than developing nuclear weapons), but regardless, I think with the issue of immigration, we have to really examine what we are looking to protect and who we are looking to protect it from.

I can see God understanding "self defense" I can't see Him understanding our trying to protect our economy from immigrant workers because we think there won't be enough jobs for everyone (what about the loaves and the fishes), our neighborhoods from people with a different culture because we may lose life as we know it (how many times did Jesus reach out across cultures and borders and challenge us to change), or our precious tax dollars from immigrants or "the poor" because we are trying to save up for a vacation to Hawaii (there are more examples than I can count of Jesus warning us about the danger of valuing money too highly).

I write this just as much to me as to you. It is easier to protect what I view as mine- my job, my culture, my money, than to be vulnerable to what God may call me to do with these things. I want to be safe as much as anyone and would be tempted to shut out 200,000 good people to keep 1 misguided person away. But my mother told me never to do anything out of fear. And honestly, supporting immigration raids, random document checks, increased border patrol, etc. to stop or limit undocumented immigration would be a choice made out of fear, rather than out of love for the real, needy, beautiful people that come to this country to make a life.

If you're honest with yourself, why do you support the policies you support? How would God call you to look at the issue of immigration, especially undocumented immigration? How would Jesus treat the people if there were undocumented immigrants coming into His country? Did He ever act out of a fear or concern to protect Himself? Do we really have the courage to follow His example?

Some perspective

As an update to my last post, I feel so fortunate to have such wise, wonderful people in my life. Some reminders from today:

Work is work- it's a part of life but hopefully not everything. I am so fortunate as to have a very meaningful and fulfilling family life outside of work, so when I go back, regardless of what the situation is, hopefully I can leave work at work and make family the priority it should be.

Just because things happen a certain way doesn't it's fair or just or right. It just is. People get "let go" for bad reasons and sometimes people who probably shouldn't, get promoted. There are much bigger injustices in this world that people overcome and even forgive.

I can use what makes me angry to check myself. When I see a lack of positive feedback, I can check to make sure I'm giving positive feedback to those I supervise or work with. When I encounter unethical situations, I can question whether I am behaving as ethically as possible. When I'm angry at others' self interest, I can look at my own behavior and make sure it is not selfish. I can take what I don't like as a challenge to make myself better. Ultimately, if not immediately, this will make me a better, more admirable and lovable person and I'd rather lead like that than out of threats or power struggles.

My prayer for today for someone I love, "Lord, since this door has closed today, thank you. Thank you for closing this door and thank you in advance for the one you're about to open. I love you and trust you."

Lessons

I just have to get this off my chest so I feel better. I got a call today from a coworker telling me my supervisor has been promoted. On the way home from teaching this morning, I was just thinking about how I could effectively communicate to the administration what a manipulative, unethical and poor manager she is.

This is a hard place for me. I hate that I feel almost obsessively angry at her and wish with my whole being that she would retire or be let go or just stop working. It sounds awful on my part to dislike someone so much and yet, every day that goes by and the more things she does and says make me angrier and angrier.

One of the biggest things that bothers me about working for her is that she is manipulative. She will tell me to start a project like a bridge program for international students. I will present my idea. She will change it and distort it to make it something completely different that I don't agree with or understand. Then, if it works, she will take credit and if it doesn't, she will blame me.

She is also so selfish. She builds a gigantic office for herself and crams the rest of her staff into little cubicles. She wouln't even let them decorate their cubicles the way they wanted. She had to approve all the decorations for everybody.

And she is hypocritical. She says she is not a micromanager (and she is). She says she wants to advocate for us (and she doesn't). She says she wants more sustainable international relationships and yet she doesn't give any of her staff the opportunity to meet our partners and she continues to create relationships that we only find out about after the fact so she's the only one who knows anything about them. She says she values professional development but she won't support a staff retreat which the director and I have been trying to have for several years. When I held a faculty retreat she scheduled another meeting during that time so she couldn't go. Since we are never allowed to go to professional conferences, we decided to do workshops amongst ourselves for professional development and she not only scheduled things for herself during the times of the workshops, she scheduled things for other staff members, so we had to cancel and reschedule several times. She won't write anything down because she doesn't want to be held accountable for it later. She wouldn't even let me write things down when I had meetings with her, saying I should be able to remember it.

Another thing I hate doesn't have to do with her really but rather the structure of the university. There is absolutely no accountability. There is no questioning, no second guessing, no "other" opinion about how things will go. It is her way or the highway. She can take 5 trips to China for no reason and then say we have no money for professional development. She can expect her staff to work 60-70 hour weeks during the summer for $30,000 a year because we are "exempt" She can say that I did not meet minimum expectations for my job because I did not do "enough" activites with international students, even though she never talked to me about it before, I have 20 other things under my job description to accomplish, and I did do activities with them, just not what she would consider "enough" She can continue to have sketchy, seemingly unethical relationships with powerhouse women in China and nobody blinks an eye. She can fire people at will who question her practices or her authority (multiple examples). She can move the entire office to a new location even though everyone who works for her was against it and the adminisration never bothered to talk to us about our concerns. And she can get promoted in spite of the fact her entire staff has quit under her about 5 times in the last 10 years and her entire current staff and faculty has gone to talk to HR about her problematic management style.

I know it doesn't really compare but it is disturbingly similar to how I imagine a totalitarian government would be. We are voiceless and vulnerable. And we have all been searching for, applying for and interviewing for other jobs for years but none of us can seem to get out. We are trapped.

The people that have worked with her for a couple months think she is either crazy or stupid and the people that have worked with her the longest (25 + years) think she is abusive and manipulative.

The only ones who seem to have a high opinion of her are her superiors- I guess she knows who and how to impress.

I am just so frustrated that a Catholic, Benedictine university would allow this to continue... I am so frustrated being on the "little people" side of things and vow to myself that if God ever grants me the privilege of being a "higher up" in my career, I will never forget to talk to the "little people"- the people involved in the day to day tasks and affected so profoundly by the decisions of the "higher-ups"

The part of me obsessed with some kind of "fairness" and "justice" just wants to scream and can't stop thinking about some way to overthrow this regime for the good of the wonderful people who work there.

But another part of me wonders if God has given me this challenge to learn a profound lesson in humility and forgiveness. Do I just let it go? If she wants to put my name on stupid programs and blame me for everything that goes wrong, should I just let her and thank God for my cross? Can I be that humble?

Or is this an opportunity to fight "wrong" and fight on behalf of the students for more ethical, consistent programming that does not exploit and fair treatment of staff and respect in the workplace?

Again, the serenity prayer comes to mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh, how I need that wisdom now, dear Lord. What are you calling me to do? What is the right thing? Where do you need me?

Two months

Ok, so we're a little beyond two months now, but close enough. I give myself permission to be late with everything Dani related, since she took her time coming out. ; )

So, Danali completed two months in the "outside" world on July 18th, also her father's 28th birthday! We had a "little" get together here at the house on Saturday night, which means only 15 people instead of the 50 Juan Carlos probably would have liked to invite.

Then, on Sunday, we went out to dinner with a bunch of family again and then off to Lakefair!! I hadn't been in several years and it was crazy busy but also kind of fun. Juan Carlos and I even went on a couple rides together, which we had never done before.

Highlights from this past month as a new mother include:

Seeing baby Dani smile when she sees us or when we talk to her. She's always smiled in her sleep, but now it feels a bit more sincere.

Less fussing! She was really fussy from about 3-6 weeks I would say but lately, it has gotten WAY better- maybe has to do with "fourth trimester" swaddling, shushing techniques and maybe just a coincidence, but we are loving having a happier little baby.

More sleep! Dani has gone from 2-3 hour stretches to 3-4 hour stretches and last night she slept from 9:30pm until 4:00am!! So exciting!!! I can't believe how rested I feel today.

For me, I have gained much more confidence as a mother- I have had my bad days where I have momentarily left Dani in the car and had to run back for her, but overall, I think I'm getting used to this whole "mom" thing, at least until she changes it on me again.

Life is good and I'm just taking it in until I have to go back to work in two weeks from today. Please keep me in your prayers that something will work out for me to be with Dani as much as possible and still keep a steady income and benefits for our family. I'm not asking to be rich- just enough for stability.

Being a mother

Kind of a strange follow - up topic to the last, but I got a P.S. (Parent Support) Newsletter in the mail today and it's gotten me thinking...

A lot of people believe that God sends us children just as much to change us as for us to raise them. I think that's especially true with my first daughter, Angelica Grace. It seems easier at times to just focus on the child we have with us, less awkward to just ignore the fact that we lost her older sister that dreadful October of 2008. Well-meaning people talk about our "first" mother's day and father's day while we remember in our hearts it's not our first at all.

Well-meaning relatives talk about Danali being the first great grand-daughter, while we quietly remember her older sister. I think that's what hurts the most- that a baby nobody met can be so easily forgotten. But not for me... I read a poem in the newsletter today that I just wanted to share, as it touched me.

What makes a mother
-Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother?" And I know I heard Him say.

"A mother has a baby" This we know is true. "But God, can you be a mother if your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in his voice. "I give many women babies. When they go is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God. I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

" I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and hear her say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow's where I lay.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in My home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me, until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one!"


Angelica has taught me to truly take things in life moment by moment. I can't help but worry I might not have Dani as long as I would like. Sometimes it terrifies me. When I haven't heard her in a while, I hurry to check on her- Sometimes I touch her just to make sure she's still breathing. I try not to torture myself too much with worry, but I do ask myself every day- if this were my last day with her, am I satisfied that I spent as much time as I could with her, that I did everything I could to show her she was loved, that I gave as much as I possibly could to her in the time she was with me?

I am excited to tell Dani about her older sister - the angel who takes care of us from heaven, who intercedes on our behalf, who prayed for us to be able to have another child...

There is so much "letting go" to be done in becoming a parent. "Letting go" of sleep, of schedules, of predictability, but also "letting go" of the security that what you love most will always be with you. Angelica was not ours to keep. She was ours to care for and I remember this with our beautiful baby Dani too. She is only entrusted to us- we are given the great privilege of caring for her, kissing her, changing her, and loving her all the days of her life, nomatter how many they may be... she has been cherished from the womb and I pray we will never take her for granted.

A special thanks to all those who recognize parents as the parents they are, wherever their children might be. Your support means so much...

Loving life...

I know I should always be grateful, even for the hard stuff, but lately, it has been exceptionally easy to be grateful and I just wanted to record this "high" time of my life. I have absolutely LOVED being on maternity leave. It has been such an incredible blessing to have this special time with our precious daughter and only the most minimal stress and things to worry about. The first couple weeks were quite a haze- we enjoyed visitors coming to meet Danali when she was "brand new" and tried to learn how to change diapers, give baths, and comfort her.

Weeks 3-6 were marked by a bit of fussiness on Dani's part but also a lot of lazy mornings sleeping in together and catching up with friends over the lunch hour. We ventured out shopping a couple times and over to a friend's house for some play dates. We worried about Dani having colic and took her in at 4 weeks, we dealt with a first diaper rash and tried some techniques from "happiest baby on the block" to get her to stop fussing. We showered her with "besos" and lots of love. By 4 weeks, she was 10 lbs 1 oz.

Her 6th week, I went back to teaching part time in the mornings as a sub for another teacher. I've only been doing a couple hours a day- the schedule has been totally ideal. It was a hard decision to start working again so soon, but the money is good for the time I have to put in and I thought it would probably help me start transitioning back into having a schedule and obligations outside the home. Juan Carlos hasn't been working so he has been having special quality time with Dani in the mornings while I'm at work. I think it's been good for them and good for me too.

In spite of getting little sleep (I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in almost two months) and having wavering emotions in becoming a new parent, I am the happiest I can ever remember being in my life. Dani and I are finally kind of getting into a rhythm where I feel like I can understand her more and predict what she'll need- a nap, a meal, some play time, etc. She's starting to smile at us, which is so rewarding and I still get to spend the vast majority of my day with her (and recently with Juan Carlos too). The great weather this past week just makes me crave barbeques and milkshakes and makes me all the happier.

The only sad part is that I am now starting to think about going back to work and in recent conversations with coworkers, it sounds like it's worse than ever. I am dreading being given projects that are already falling apart on my return and being blamed if I can't turn them around. I dread being heavily criticized all the time and feeling so bad about myself again.

However, I am hopeful about a solution for work this next year, which would be so wonderful if it works out. Please keep me in your prayers that God will help things fall into place for me to have a more rewarding, less stressful work experience and provide the opportunity for me to spend a little more time at home with Dani. I know there will be hard times to come but I'm really trying to take in this "up" time and hoping the sun will stay out for awhile more...

Not for long...

I used to be embarrassed to admit it, but cat's out of the bag- I REALLY love some country songs... mostly because some of them just do such a good job reflecting every day life or helping you to appreciate the simple moments of life and growing up. Today, this one really got me. It's much better with the music, so if you haven't heard it, you can listen to it on youtube. It's called "It won't be like this for long" by Darius Rucker.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long

The Run Around

Ok, I need to vent because otherwise, I will just break down and cry. (I am a little overly emotional because of getting very limited sleep over the past 6 weeks and even less last night)

Day One (Thursday)
One of the things that drives me crazy the most is getting "the run around" I got a desperate call from a teacher Thursday begging me to cover for a class of hers for the next 8 weeks, starting Monday and she was going into surgery on Friday. After having approximately 30 minutes at 9:00pm on Thursday night to talk it over with JC and run through all the possible scenarios in my mind, I agreed to do it until I have to go back to Saint Martin's in August.

Friday (no one is in the office because of budget cutbacks so I can't do anything)

Day Two (Sunday)
The teacher I'm subbing for called and said she would have another teacher call to give me more info. Another teacher called but couldn't tell me much because her mother was very ill and she wasn't even sure she would make it for the first day of class. She did tell me who to check in with at the school on Monday morning.

Day Three (Monday)

I went in early to check in with that secretary but when I asked her about the supposed books, curriculum, syllabi, etc. she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said to check with another teacher. When I asked how to contact her, she said she didn't know. She informed me I only had two students (I had planned class for 10-15) She sent me on my way to my class across campus with the comment "I hope the door is unlocked because there is no key for you" Well, guess what? It wasn't. Lovely.

Day Four (Tuesday)

I was able to fortunately run into one of the other "seasoned" teachers before class today. She showed me the offices (that I don't have a key to) where I could get instructor's copies of books (of which there were none for the class I'm teaching). Then, she said I had to talk to the level 3 instructor about what I should teach in level 2 so I don't teach the same things she will. When asked where is this instructor, that's right- she's not here because her mother passed away last night. So, my options are: 1) continue teaching blindly and hope I don't overstep into level 3 curriculum or 2) call up this poor woman and ask her for a run down of the curriculum when I'm pretty sure she probably has other things on her mind...

Class itself was ok except for the fact that the students apparently thought doing an activity outside of class for 15 minutes meant come back in a half hour when class is over...

In the meantime, I am trying to save $400 a month by enrolling Danali in a state health program for health insurance. Well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday, on June 28th that they needed her SS# by June 26th, so I spent the afternoon calling them to see if I could get an extension and they said I could have 10 days. In the meantime, I called the Social Security Office to see how I could get her a SS# and tried 5 times to get through to an actual person before giving up. I then attempted to call the hospital, where I got transferred to the family and birth center and then to the "birth certificate lady" who informed me that there was a little box on the birth certificate application that I had to check if I wanted a social security card in any reasonable amount of time and fashion. Since I apparently in my new mother haze of filling out forms missed this small and incredibly important detail, I am doomed to the "alternative" way of aquiring a social security number.

I called the state agency she gave me the number to and they said to just take in the birth certificate and fill out the application and they would give her a number. Oh, that was just too easy. Juan Carlos and I took screaming baby to the other side of town in westside Olympia, took a number, waited for almost an hour, trying to console crying baby the entire time, and then I went to talk to the woman while JC walked Danali outside...only to find out that they need a birth certificate, a parent's ID, AND an official letter from a clinic or hospital indicating the child is a patient there and other personal information. And after that, they have to verify her birth through the state, which could take another week- would verifying her birth through the state by itself not be enough? Fighting off tears, I trudged out and JC suggested we go to the doctor's office now to try to get the letter- hope was restored. If they could give us the letter today, then I could go back today and still mail the form off in time to see if Danali is eligible for the insurance program. But alas, I had to fill out a form to be eligible to get a letter, which they reserve the right to take 3 weeks to produce for us.

I guess this is the point at which I just throw up my hands in desperation and ask God to take over because my best efforts just aren't cutting it.

I feel like a moron that I am only even going through all of this because of some stupid little box that I KNOW I would have checked if I had only seen it!! I feel like an awful mother for missing this detail and not thinking about it until now and I really just want a "do over" Just let me go back and make that check mark please? Oh well- I guess this is yours now, God because I don't feel like I can deal with it anymore.

Getting the "run around" is so frustrating- I know many of you have probably had similar experiences and can empathize- se la vi- I'll be more detail oriented next time around and I'll definitely be sure to let all expecting mothers giving birth at St. Peter's know how to avoid this ridiculously time-consuming and frustrating way of getting that stinking little number!

Fathers and Daughters

"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express." ~Joseph Addison


Watching my husband with our beautiful daughter has made me start to think about my own relationship with my dad in a new light. Fathers and daughters have such a wonderfully pure and special relationship, however it may have played out over the years...

I never considered myself a "Daddy's girl" like some of my friends did. I never felt like I had my dad wrapped around my finger. My father was never the really jealous or protective type either- he never threatened my boyfriends or scolded me about the way I dressed (but I'm sure that's because I didn't give him a reason to...)

My relationship with my father has changed a lot over the years- I look back at pictures and realize when I was small, I was often with my father- playing, doing exercises, sleeping on his chest, putting barettes in his hair, dancing with him- I wish I could recall all of those special moments.

As I got older, I related mostly to my dad through soccer- he was my coach for several years and we grew together in the game. We would "get pumped up" to Gloria Estefan music in the car before practices and games. He would teach me to visualize crossing the ball towards the center or shooting that perfect goal. I remember all the upbeat songs we would sing together on car rides to soccer tournaments or games out of town. I also remember loving this one song on the CD (anything for you...) but it was romantic- sometimes I was embarassed to sing it in front of my dad I guess because I wasn't sure if he would think it was strange I was moving from being a "little girl" to a "young woman" interested in romance...

I still remember one day when my dad took me out to breakfast when I was a teenager. He took me out to tell me how special I was to him- how being the oldest, I will always have a very special place in his heart and how much he loves me. It brought me to tears, though I tried not to cry in front of him. Thinking about my dad often made me want to cry throughout my teen years and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's because I felt I loved him so much but couldn't find how to relate to him- I wasn't sure if he would understand me or if he really wanted to know about my "boy dramas" and "girl issues" I would tend to share much more with my mom. I remember a father's day card that said something like, "Dad, thanks for always leaving the room so mom and I could talk" and that's how it seemed to be in our family a lot of the time, though it made me a little sad to wonder how my father felt about that...

Songs like "Butterfly kisses" and others that spoke to the father/daughter relationship always have and continue to make me cry- what is it that is so delicate and so precious about that relationship that brings on such a wave of emotion? There is something about being cherished by your father, about knowing how hard it is sometimes for him to watch you grow up and to let you go...

I started to get a lot closer to my dad after starting college. It seemed like there were more and more things to relate to him about and to get his advice on. And even more after I started working. He has continued to "coach" me in so many ways and though we may not agree on everything, I always value his perspective. I think he is an incredibly strong and wise man. He has made countless sacrifices and gone through many difficult things to get to where he is today and I hope he can look back and be proud. It's a beautiful thing when parents can pass important lessons on to their children so we can grow into our full potential.

These are some things I have learned from him by his words and more often, by his example:

1) You are not perfect. It's ok to make mistakes but always, always try to learn from your mistakes and do better next time.

2) When people criticize you or your work, don't just write them off. Be honest with yourself- analyze what they're saying- take what's valuable and true and improve yourself and your work based on that and then let the rest go.

3) It's more important to be a good team player than to be the star.

4) Do things because you enjoy them, not out of obligation or fear.

5) Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves- we do them because other people need us to.

6) Give from your blessings. Be generous.

7) Be a person of faith. Pray. Depend on God. Faith gets you through hard times, gives you hope, gives you something to believe in and live for.

8) Make family a priority. Be responsible and work hard but always make time for family.

9) Set goals and always try to improve yourself and your circumstances. Stay positive and keep moving forward.

10) Be compassionate- listen to others and hear them out- be slow to judge. Love people for who they are and where they're at.


There are so many more things but those happened to stand out today. I hope and pray that Juan Carlos can be as good of an example for Dani as my father has been for me. I know their relationship will be unique, and yet, something about it will be shared among all the fathers and daughters across the world.

Here are a couple quotations I found and liked and wanted to dedicate to a few amazing friends of mine whose fathers have recently moved to heaven... your fathers may not be physically with you any longer but the love they've cultivated in you and the lessons they've taught you remain and continue to bless those around you in countless ways.

"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." -- Ruth E. Renkel

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -- Clarence Budington Kelland

"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever." ~Author Unknown

"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor

"There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." ~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994

Lessons from a crying baby

I have actually been pretty reflective lately so I have about 10 potential blog posts in my head but unfortunately, usually have a baby in my arms or am doing one of the kazillion things I need to do while she sleeps so I haven't been able to write them all...

I did want to write about one insight I've gained though. For some reason, the past several days, Dani has been going through a couple hours in the early evening of crying unconsolably... She fusses throughout the day, but this particular time, she cries as hard as she possibly can- we walk, we talk to her, we sing, we turn her in almost every position imaginable, we're still, we're rocking, we've tried the binky, the hot water bottle, etc. and it just won't stop.

The only thing she is even temporarily consoled by seems to be nursing, which really isn't nursing because she really isn't hungry. She latches on, gives a couple sucks and then just hangs there, but as soon as I try to lay her down or even move her away, she freaks out. My mom was telling me last night to try to "trick" her and let her latch on and then slowly put a binky in her mouth instead, leaving her in the same position. I was watching her last night trying to do this and just thinking- why doesn't she know she's ok? I make up reasons she's crying since I don't know why she really is and last night I was thinking about how maybe she's crying because she's just scared we won't feed her or won't comfort her and she's too obsessed with being scared to realize that we are giving her everything she needs.

Maybe I am reading way to into this and really a tag is poking her or something (though I've checked for that) but as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about my own fears and how I often act the same way and start crying and worrying before anything has even actually happened and I become so consumed with being scared or worried, I can't seem to see that right now, I'm actually totally ok.

I was thinking a lot about how it's so beautiful to invite love into your life, in all forms- a new friendship, a spouse, a child, but the more you love, the scarier it is to lose that person. I was thinking a lot about how much I love Juan Carlos and how I just don't know what I'd do without him and now, how much I love Danali and I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I was thinking a lot about SIDS and about how that fear of losing her or something happening to her will be there my whole life as long as she's around... all of a sudden I felt my fear of loss start to become bigger than my love. My mom and sister reminded me that playing out a tragedy in your head isn't going to make it any easier if it actually happens so there's really no point in dwelling on it.

Lord, you are already teaching me lessons about You and Your love through our tiny child, just one month old. You know I love my family so much. Help me to let go of the fear so I can just focus on helping them to feel how much they're loved and enjoy the time you've given me with them. You know I have a tendency to want to plan and to worry when things don't seem to "be in place" Help me to let go of my concerns about work after maternity leave and thoughts of future kids and jobs and how we'll make it work. We never know when we'll meet the love of our life or when the "perfect" opportunity for work is right around the corner. Help me to trust you and know deep down that you are already giving me everything I need...

Confessions from a new mom

This is kind of a hard post to write as I fear some people may judge me as lacking maternal instinct or being a "bad mom" but I think it's important for me to acknowledge some of my thoughts and feelings during this time, since it is so precious and yet so different than how I expected...

Confession #1: The bond

I definitely love Dani and I feel so incredibly thankful for her, but I have to admit I always thought there would be some kind of instantaneous mother/daughter bond that took place... just because. I thought I would know all her cries and why she was upset, when she needed to burp or eat or sleep or cuddle, why she made the faces she does etc. I have to admit I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes, after trying everything I can think of, I just sit there and helplessly watch her cry, which makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is much more like other relationships, where she is basically a stranger that I have to get to know and continue to get to know day after day as she changes and grows... I understand it's supposed to get easier, as most relationships do with time, but I'm surprised at how different it is than I always imagined...

Confession #2: Diaper explosions

I secretly always thought that people who talked about their babies diapers "exploding" didn't really know how to put on diapers correctly. Either I don't know either or this "leaking" or "exploding" phenomenon can really happen to anyone.

Confession #3: Breastfeeding

This is one of the things I looked forward to most when I was pregnant and it theoretically is just really incredible how your body can produce nourishing food and adjust the amounts depending on how much your baby eats, etc. It's great, but it's also pretty exhausting and selfishly, somtimes I just want my body to myself. It takes more sacrifice than I thought to give yourself over physically all the time, on demand, to a tiny little person who depends on you. It is not always particularly comfortable, convenient or "fun" but important nonetheless. I remain committed to breastfeeding, though I certainly understand why women would choose to give it up. It's harder than I thought it would be.

Confession #4: Productivity (or lack thereof)

I had all these lofty ideas before having a baby of everything I would accomplish while on maternity leave. I planned not only to have the house always immaculate and dinner ready for JC when he got home, but also to study up on interpreting and pass the test, possibly tutor and find a dream job.

Needless to say, I can barely manage a shower and a decent meal during the day, much less an immaculate home and all my other great plans. I have been very disappointed in how incredibly unproductive I am and yet, I also feel like maybe those extra moments of just cuddling in bed or watching my daughter sleep are important in their own right and the other things can wait.

I have cut back my list of productive hopes to what's absolutely necessary any particular day- whether it be a load of laundry, vacuuming or straightening up our room. I know it's hard for JC to be patient with my lack of productivity and unmet expectations as things are different than we planned, but it's an important time of surrender and has really made me reflect on what's important for us and for me.

Confession # 5: Baby blues

Sometimes I cry... for seemingly no reason at all and yet for so many reasons: because I have a beautiful baby I feel I don't deserve, because I can't believe I actually made it through childbirth, because my body will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about it, because life will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about that, because I'm thrilled, because I'm scared to death, because I don't know what to do about work, because I dread maternity leave ending, because, because, because....and for no reason at all...

Confession # 6:

I never paid much attention to sidewalks/wheelchair/stroller access before needing to take the baby places. I actually circled our couldesac several times the other day because it was the only way to stay on sidewalks around our house (my usual walk route involves crossing a busy street and several non-cemented patches)

Confession #7:

I LOVE dressing my daughter up in cute, color coordinated outfits and putting headbands on her. I know she's not a doll and this is purely ridiculous with no legitimate outcome on her well -being, and a part of me feels guilty, but it's just so fun...

Confession #8:

Sometimes I make up excuses for Juan Carlos to take care of Danali for a few minutes while I do something just so I can watch him with her- it's one of my favorite things.

Things I'm loving at this stage:

1) Cuddling- I know when she starts getting restless I'll miss this so much.
2) Being able to put her somewhere and know that she'll be there when I get back
3) The funny faces she makes
4) When she unintentionally reacts to our conversations (ie: I was singing to her one day and she covered her ears- I'm sure it was coincidence)
5) She will try sucking on JC's nose or on anything we put near her mouth when she's hungry
6) How peaceful she looks when she sleeps
7) The funny things JC says pretending that he's her (ie: One time we left her sleeping on the couch to eat dinner and then she woke up- JC went to get her and talking like her said, "thank you for rescuing me daddy because mom left me there on the sofa like a pillow and I'm not a pillow- I'm a person" maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious... I love how he tries to put himself in her place
8) Showing her off to everyone- I love introducing her to new people and seeing how they try to calm her down or carry her (and take mental notes for myself)
9) The "newness" of it all- it's not easy starting a new relationship but it's also so fun- I'm trying to soak in the mystery of this stage and enjoy it rather than just count the days till it's over and it's "easier"

Still in awe

Well, the past couple weeks have flown by (the days at least, sometimes the nights seem quite long...) Danali has yet to sleep in more than a 3 hour stretch, but I understand that's pretty typical. I am amazed I have been able to keep plugging away in spite of such sleep deprivation. And I am also so thankful for the "nap breaks" from Juan Carlos and my mom and for this lovely concept of maternity leave.

And in spite of the sometimes frustrating moments when I can't seem to find "what's wrong" and get Danali to stop crying or I don't know whether green poop is normal or not or I worry about whether she's sleeping ok or breathing ok, I look down at my little girl and still find myself in a state of complete awe.

It just doesn't get old. I still can't believe 10 months ago, she was just a sperm and egg you can't even see and that somehow inside me, she's grown into this tiny, complete little person, with 10 fingers and toes and all the internal organs all of us "big" people have.

And I'm still totally overwhelmed with the gift that God has given us, entrusting us with this little life. I feel so unworthy- like Moses, I want to tell God that maybe I'm not the one for this after all. It's such a big responsibility and honor and I'm just... well, I'm just so normal- I'm not a good cook, I forget where I put my keys, I always put off cleaning the bathroom an unreasonable amount of time...

But I guess that's why God doesn't leave us alone in these enormous life-changing times and I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude and awe at this amazing miracle that is life. It's one of the most normal, natural, widespread phenomenons ever and yet totally and completely miraculous each and every time...

Danali's Birth Story

I had the entire story written out several days ago, but lost it all, so here it goes again...

I was surprised and disappointed when I woke up on Tuesday, May 18th, still not in labor. I had acupuncture the day before and was sure that since that seemed to help the baby be conceived that it would help get her out as well, but there I was, still as pregnant as could be.

My mom went with me to the appointment I had that morning to do a non-stress test and start talking about induction. I really wanted to at least TRY to not have pain meds so I didn't want to be induced, because I knew it would probably make it A LOT harder. But I tried to keep an open mind, knowing the most important thing is that the baby arrives safely.

Everything was fine at the test but the midwife suggested scheduling an induction for Friday, May 21st if the baby didn't come by then because of the midwives' schedules, shortages, etc. I agreed. The midwife also "swept my membranes" and gave me a recipe for a "castor oil milkshake" as I fondly refer to it.

That afternoon I went out to lunch with my coworkers, which was really wonderful and then came home and decided that in spite of trying to avoid the "castor oil remedy" all this time, maybe I should give it a whirl. So, two scoops of vanilla ice cream, 4 oz of orange juice and 4 oz of castor oil- It tasted like an oily orange creamsicle milkshake. I know- real appetizing...

Well, a couple hours later I was in deep regret practically glued to the toilet. I was having contractions but couldn't tell if they were "real" or not because I was so uncomfortable in that area in general. I called my mom from the bathroom and described the situation- she suggested that I might be in labor and said she was coming over. I didn't know what to think. Eventually I pulled myself off the toilet and did start to recognize the contractions were quite uncomfortable. Juan Carlos suggested we relax in the living room and watch some TV while we wait for things to take their course.

Side note: I had fully anticipated the average 12 hour first phase of labor and purposely left myself things to do around the house, etc. to distract myself so as to not grow bored and anxious with the whole process...

When we went to the living room I sat on the exercise ball, hoping that would get things going and after a couple bounces, I felt something strange- I stood up and felt something drain- I ran to our entry way since it was hard wood and not carpet and I did not want to get whatever it was on the carpet. Then I realized my water had probably broken. I scurried down the hall to the bathroom and we confirmed that was what happened. It was finally time!

My mom arrived shortly thereafter and I decided to take a shower. I decided I would labor in my room for awhile (we didn't want to go to the hospital too soon) so I put on Enya and my mom lit some candles. Every time I had a contraction I would grab Juan Carlos's hand or give him a hug. My mom started to think they were pretty close together so she started timing them. They were between 3-5 minutes apart but only lasted between 20-45 seconds. Mom started making some phone calls to determine whether we should head to the hospital and by about 6:30 we were on our way. I of course was not totally prepared and was trying to grab a variety of last minute things as JC was pulling me out the door...

As we were walking into the emergency room, I felt my water continue to "break" and remember JC telling me not to worry about it. We walked past a trash can on the way in and I turned around and decided I needed to throw up right then and there. I think some of the castor oil milkshake made it into the garbage, though most ended up on the window behind it, I think. I'm sure JC was disgusted but reassured me it was ok (as he should). My mom pulled up a wheelchair and wheeled me through the hospital to the Family and Birth Center.

When we arrived, they hooked me up to some monitors to see how the baby was doing, etc. Then they wanted to test the "water" to make sure it really was my water that had broken. They said it could be "false labor" All I could think was that the only thing worse than going through this right now would be if they said it was "false labor" and I had to go through it all again tomorrow...

Luckily, they confirmed I was indeed in labor. My mom requested a room with a soaking tub for me and thankfully, one was available and the nurse hooked us up...

The tub helped a ton. When I would have contractions, Juan Carlos would gently splash water on me and it was incredible how much that helped. I was in the tub for about an hour and a half from around 8:00 -9:30pm I think... I could hear the nurse telling my mom that maybe the baby would be born by "tomorrow night" and I tried not to freak out that I would be having contractions like these all night.

I got tired of the tub and decided I needed to go to the bathroom again, so I did that and then I got this very strong urge to push- and to push hard. I thought that was extremely strange because when I had checked in, I was only dilated to 2-3 cm. It seemed really early to be wanting to push.

My contractions were also really strong by this point, though they never seemed to get into a consistent pattern. I didn't think I could do it much longer without medication. I asked my mom to see when I could get some meds. She ran to get the nurse and JC stayed with me. He seemed a little disappointed because he wanted me to do it naturally but I think he could also see I was in a lot of pain.

The nurse said she had to check to see how dilated I was to decide when they could give me something. As she checked, she said, "wow, so you see how things can go." She said some word I didn't understand and told me "the worst was over" I was very confused because the baby's head had not come out- I could not see how the "worst could be over" My mom filled me in that I was dilated to a 9 and the nurse called the doctor. The next 30 minutes were a total whirl. People running around putting clothes and plastic sheets and everything around me.

Juan Carlos and my mom grabbed my legs and the nurse and doctor tried to explain to me the "pushing method" - push, but pull back on your legs, hold your breath, scrunch your chest, but remember to breathe.... it all sounded like a lot of contradiction to me. And it was all happening so fast. I was overwhelmed by the lack of choice I had in what was happening... I just had to go with it.

Pushing was painful but oddly more comfortable than the other contractions in a way. Maybe it's because I knew I was close or it seemed to be productive... I also had real, true "breaks" in between my pushing contractions so that was awesome. I remember everyone telling me what to do but also being really supportive, saying I was doing great and the baby was almost here...

7 contractions and approximately 21 pushes later (Juan Carlos was counting) Baby Danali Eliana finally arrived at about 10:40pm. I had always imagined that when they put her on my chest I would hold her close and cry, but I don't know if I was just in shock from it all going so fast or what happened but I remember them handing me this beautiful, vernix covered baby and me saying "What do I do? What do I do?" I'm sure I lost maternal instinct points in my chart for that response... I was SO overwhelmed with the life that was now, finally with me. And I couldn't believe I had gotten through pregnancy and labor and I couldn't believe she was healthy and alive and beautiful...

My sister, Michelle, had wanted to be there for the birth but it went too fast- she and my dad arrived very shortly after Dani was born.

I am so grateful for such a smooth labor, for the incredible support of my family, especially my mom and Juan Carlos. I know God was with us through the whole thing. We have fallen in love all over again with the newest member of our family. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I depend on that grace tremendously.

Welcome Danali Eliana!

Born Tuesday, May 18th 2010 at 10:40pm.
Weight: 7 lbs. 9 oz.
Length: 20.5 inches
Apgar: 9.9 (healthy as can be!)

We are in love already!!

Beautiful Waiting

We are still waiting for signs of labor and for our little girl to join us outside the womb, but how precious this time has been for me. I feel a little guilty that I took the week off work and didn't "need" to, but at the same time, I feel so much better about our home- our freezer is stocked, the house is much more organized before, I'm getting rid of lots of things we don't need, etc. I've been able to help out my mother in law with some things, go on some walks with my mom and just rest too.

It's been an emotional week, but such a blessing. And in this time of waiting, I've thought a lot about what waiting does for us.

I will never forget a lesson my parents taught me when I was a little girl. I wanted an American girl doll SO much, but my parents said I had to save for it and wait a year (or maybe it just seemed that long ; ) before I could get it. I remember thinking why couldn't they just get it for me? Why make me save? Why make me wait? But I did and oh, how I treasured that doll. I imagine that if it had been easy, I might have loved the doll for a short time and then discarded her. Sometimes it is the things we have to work for and the things we have to wait for that mean the most to us.

The Church year is also made up of several seasons of waiting- waiting for Christ to be born, preparing for Christ's death and resurrection, and waiting for Christ to come again... there must be a value in "waiting" that helps us to value special days or events so much more.

I have felt that lesson a hundred fold with our small daughter. How we waited after losing Angelica to get pregnant again. One short year- such a small time in comparison to everything, in comparison to what many couples must wait, but such a long time to desperately beg God to please just give us another child. And now, we've waited 9 months- 9 wonderful months... I really can't complain. This pregnancy has been relatively easy and very enjoyable. In ways it has gone by very quickly. And now, we wait again. But the beautiful part about this waiting is that we know it's just a matter of time.

As some have told me, "remember, nobody is pregnant forever" Somehow, some way, we will get to know this precious little one inside at some point, so it makes the journey that much easier. Of course, I am anxious. I look at her small bassinet and imagine lying her in it, watching her sleep. I imagine Juan Carlos playing with her, holding her. I imagine diaper messes, sore nipples from nursing, and spit up. But I have faith that these things will come in time. Soon, it will be hard to remember what life was like without them.

Right now, though, I am still pregnant and Baby Dani is thriving inside my womb- a miraculous design only our God could conceive of...one that a person could remain in awe of for much longer than 9 months. Right now, I have to continue to humble myself and depend on others because I can't climb or lift heavy things. Right now, I have to think about "being ready" for plans to change at any moment but going on with "life as normal" anyway... Right now, I thank God for giving me another child that I begged and waited and longed for- for teaching me patience, for teaching me to cherish what I already have. Right now, I am waiting, but I am also living and trying to take in these last few days before our lives radically change forever.

Waiting, beautiful waiting...

Mother's Day and Our Due Date!

Well, Danali apparently didn't get the memo that she was supposed to come out today (go figure!) My sisters came down this past weekend and we thought it would be so perfect if she decided to come then (and tried everything we knew about to make it happen) so they could be there but, alas, it looks like she wants her own special day ; )

I stopped working on Friday officially, though I went in to finish up some loose ends today and now I am so looking forward to preparing a little more - the house (Juan Carlos's cousin is FINALLY moving out!) and emotionally and spiritually of course.

I have tried so hard to be patient during all this time but can't help but think Dani hasn't come yet because she knows I don't feel totally 100% ready... I know being "physically" ready is not the most important, but it can't hurt....

And with all these thoughts of "baby" and when she will make her appearance, I reflect back on Mother's Day one year ago- on the novena my grandmother, aunts and mother prayed with me that we would be blessed with a child, starting on May 1st. Now, a year later, I await the birth of a beautiful, healthy baby girl. How generous God has been with us!

I remember well the tears I shed last mother's day- tears of loss, of self-pity, of desperation. And, though I am so joyful and thankful for our current blessing, I cannot forget the women that continue to wait, that continue to mourn, that continue to long.

Oh Lord, please hear the cries of your daughters who long for children of their own. Place desires on their hearts that match your plan for them. Give them the grace and patience to accept YOUR will, whatever it may be. Thank you for the precious gift of Danali, who we hope to meet so soon and thank you again for the precious gift of our first daughter, Angelica, who lives now with you and watches over us. Help us to always recognize each moment, each day with our children as a gift and not take it for granted.

Mary, mother of God, pray for us. Thank you for your sacrifice, your unconditional love, your example. You were young, you did not feel "ready" you did not know what the future would hold but you opened your life to whatever it was that God would ask of you. May all women find inspiration in your life and your choice.

Amen.