I have always sought so much security in my life- I think that desire for security has driven many of the decisions I've made throughout my life. As I look back, though, and I look forward to the new year, I realize how critical faith is. Nothing, not my family or my husband or my education or my savings can protect me from loss or from suffering. I have to face the future with hope and find security in my faith.
I realized how much I've grown talking to my friend who recently became pregnant. She was expressing her concern about everything that could go wrong and we were talking about how, in my case, I was supposedly past the biggest "risk." I told her that she had to let it go because regardless of what happens, right now she is creating memories- whatever is going to happen will happen whether you worry or not and in the meantime, there's life to be lived and love to give and memories to make.
Losing another child or facing an incurable illness or losing a home or loved one are still thoughts that terrify me, but I am trying hard not to dwell on them and when they come into my head, I just say, "I trust you, God." Maybe life is not so much about going through the motions- college, marriage, babies, work, retirement, but rather about the lessons these experiences give us. And maybe the most important, life-changing lessons come from what we never expected or wanted for ourselves.
I asked my mom one day when I was having a hard time finding God, "but how can I know it will all be ok?" And she said, "Because it will... it won't always be easy but it will always be ok." My father also mentioned something I found interesting that with all the technology and new developments in our lives, it seems we're going in the wrong direction when it comes to suffering. There is something about our world that makes us think we should avoid suffering or that it won't have to be faced if we do things right- if we make the right decisions, buy the right things. Maybe it's all the marketing going to our heads... maybe it's our privileged lifestyle...maybe it's some kind of natural aversion to being uncomfortable.
I find it so interesting how Juan Carlos has reacted to everything so differently than me. He takes it all in stride- like no one ever told him bad things don't happen and that he was somehow free to be outside of the world of suffering that comes with life. He knows that sometimes moms have to leave their kids so the family can eat. He knows that sometimes the work people do put their lives at risk. He knows that opportunity isn't in his hometown, that families don't always get to spend Christmas together, that life is not a fairytale, people are not perfect, things don't always go right, and yet, life goes on and sometimes you get reunited with loved ones or find new people to love.
And so, on goes life and on goes time with the new year and on go I, perhaps a little less innocent than before, perhaps a little more hesitant, perhaps a little more real and less idealistic, but ever more confident that hope doesn't have to die and that happiness is in us taking the time to appreciate the simple moments of life - a life which really all in and of itself is "on loan" from an all-generous God. Many blessings and may this new year bring a renewed sense of hope and faith for you and your loved ones!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Slowing Down...
I wish I had pictures to post of the snow outside- it is the most I've seen in awhile- maybe since living in Vermont. And untouched snow really is amazing- even after living in the Northwest all my life, I always appreciate the first snow of the year. With it, though, also comes a certain concern about going out on the roads, running errands and keeping up with the normal pace of life. Yesterday, Juan Carlos and I had a special day being "stranded" at home together.
Not having to work and not willing to venture out except for much- needed groceries, JC and I spent some time sharing the internet (I look for houses and things for houses and plan our budget, he looks for roosters and trucks), watching TV, watching the snow fall and trying to stay warm... the snow really has a way of slowing people down, forcing us to do less in general.
For me, after a very busy and stressful fall semester and even busier, fuller weekends, this was a much-needed, welcome treat. I know many people were inconvenienced by the weather, had to work, got delayed or even worse, got in accidents, so that part is awful, but many other people, like me, got an excuse to stay home, make (or eat) Christmas cookies, do the laundry and spend time with loved ones (aka: try to keep Juan Carlos from getting too stir-crazy.)
With some extra time on my hands I am also left with time to think and plan, and while it's fun and comforting in ways, I am also being told that more and more houses are coming on the market, that interest rates could drop even further, that the "best" in terms of buying a house is probably yet to come...It's easier for me to work with what's "known"- to find a way to make a less than ideal house work for us, a way to push our budget, a way to get a plan in place. It's so hard to wait and yet, I know in my heart that's exactly what I need to do...just wait. We never know what's around the corner. We just have to pray and wait and have faith that we'll recognize what's right when it comes.
Not having to work and not willing to venture out except for much- needed groceries, JC and I spent some time sharing the internet (I look for houses and things for houses and plan our budget, he looks for roosters and trucks), watching TV, watching the snow fall and trying to stay warm... the snow really has a way of slowing people down, forcing us to do less in general.
For me, after a very busy and stressful fall semester and even busier, fuller weekends, this was a much-needed, welcome treat. I know many people were inconvenienced by the weather, had to work, got delayed or even worse, got in accidents, so that part is awful, but many other people, like me, got an excuse to stay home, make (or eat) Christmas cookies, do the laundry and spend time with loved ones (aka: try to keep Juan Carlos from getting too stir-crazy.)
With some extra time on my hands I am also left with time to think and plan, and while it's fun and comforting in ways, I am also being told that more and more houses are coming on the market, that interest rates could drop even further, that the "best" in terms of buying a house is probably yet to come...It's easier for me to work with what's "known"- to find a way to make a less than ideal house work for us, a way to push our budget, a way to get a plan in place. It's so hard to wait and yet, I know in my heart that's exactly what I need to do...just wait. We never know what's around the corner. We just have to pray and wait and have faith that we'll recognize what's right when it comes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Advent Conspiracy
Below is a video that I found that made me reflect differently this Christmas season.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Angelica Grace
Some people have asked what name we've given to our little girl. She went to heaven before we even knew if she was a boy or a girl, so it feels like she has always been our little angel in a way. She was always pure, always innocent- a saint and an angel. My mother's middle name is "Ann" and she was also the baby my mother always knew about- even before I did. Hence, her first name: Ann, after my mother, Angelica for the angel she always was and always will be.
I read a blog entry recently of a Catholic couple who lost their baby at birth. They wrote about how they hoped their child, now in heaven, could intercede through prayer on their behalf. It was a beautiful concept. I guess I've also had that idea though I couldn't express it as well as they did.
We've chosen "Grace" as our daughter's middle name because grace is my prayer for us and, I hope, her prayer for us as well. Grace has been described to me as God's protection and presence with us here on earth, ever since Jesus left earth. Grace is the gift given to us when we participate in the sacraments in the Catholic Church. Grace, both strong and tender, both courage and serenity, the gift God gave us in our little girl and the gift He gives us as we give her up and wait in calm surrender for whatever lies ahead.
So, Angelica Grace, please pray for us- pray that we may grow more Holy as God is Holy- ever closer to sainthood and to being able to meet you in heaven... and that God may grant us the grace we need to see His plan and to follow His will for our lives.
I read a blog entry recently of a Catholic couple who lost their baby at birth. They wrote about how they hoped their child, now in heaven, could intercede through prayer on their behalf. It was a beautiful concept. I guess I've also had that idea though I couldn't express it as well as they did.
We've chosen "Grace" as our daughter's middle name because grace is my prayer for us and, I hope, her prayer for us as well. Grace has been described to me as God's protection and presence with us here on earth, ever since Jesus left earth. Grace is the gift given to us when we participate in the sacraments in the Catholic Church. Grace, both strong and tender, both courage and serenity, the gift God gave us in our little girl and the gift He gives us as we give her up and wait in calm surrender for whatever lies ahead.
So, Angelica Grace, please pray for us- pray that we may grow more Holy as God is Holy- ever closer to sainthood and to being able to meet you in heaven... and that God may grant us the grace we need to see His plan and to follow His will for our lives.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Being Admired...
I remember learning the story of my mother-in- law, who has gone through so many difficult things in her life. She lost her husband when she had 3 young boys and they were very poor, but she did her best to raise them with good values and discipline and provide for them. She had to leave them when they were still young to try to earn more money in Tijuana. She got pregnant unexpectedly and decided she wanted her baby to be born in the U.S., so she crossed the border and fended for herself in California for many years. She struggled to survive there as well for many years, until a man from Russia helped her by giving her a place to live and work. Her baby was born healthy, but later became very sick and now has a fairly severe form of cerebral palsey. Her little girl cannot speak or control her body movements. I don't think she was predicted to have lived past 10 years of age, though she just had her 10th birthday in October.
When I learned Amalia's story, I felt compelled to write her a letter and tell her how much I admired her and how strong she was. I remember talking to her once about it and asking her, "how could you have so much strength?" She simply said, "What choice did I have? I couldn't just give up and die. I had to do what I did." And I think about that often. I haven't had to face a lot of suffering before, so it's hard to know what to do with it, especially with such intense suffering. Juan Carlos tells me not to think about it. I can distract myself sometimes but the feelings sneak up on me and I'm not sure how to make them go away. I feel so weak and I get down on myself about it.
A friend wrote to me the other day though and told me I was strong and she admired me. It really touched me. I didn't even think of how meaningful it would be to hear that. But in the midst of feeling empty, feeling like a failure, feeling weak and tired and vulnerable, how reassuring and wonderful it is to know that is not all that people see in me. How wonderful to think that other people could even gain strength from seeing me get through this. It makes me feel like I have more purpose if I can inspire hope in others. Sometimes I, like my mother in law, feel I have no choice, so it's not real strength- maybe I'm just doing what I have to do. What else could I do? But, in a subtle way, everyday I wake up and face the day ahead I am making a choice- a choice to keep on living, to keep on loving, to keep on falling in love with God and His people regardless of whether they will be here tomorrow or not.
As my mother in law says, "The people in our lives, including our children, are loaned to us- they are not really ours, but God's. He just gives them to us for a time and He knows when He will take them back." It may seem almost cruel through our limited human perspectives that God would give us something, only to take it back, but we people have a hard time understanding love outside of time. We think that to love something is to want it, desire it, be attached to it forever (or at least for a very long time), but God knows that true love is to choose love, regardless of the fact we could lose what we love most at any time. To love a "guarantee" is not vulnerable. To love what you could lose is.
And I have and I've experienced loss, and I've wanted to give up and die or just stop wanting things so I wouldn't have to hurt like this again, but I think in the end not loving would be worse than losing what I love. And so regardless of whether people admire me or tell me I'm strong, I have to be strong for myself. I have to be proud of myself for the baby steps I have to take- for the times I can be happy for another pregnant woman, for the times I can be happy for what I have and not just sad for what I lost. I have to live the call to love whoever is in my life right now and have faith that God will bless me in that and give me the grace to continue regardless of what lies ahead.
When I learned Amalia's story, I felt compelled to write her a letter and tell her how much I admired her and how strong she was. I remember talking to her once about it and asking her, "how could you have so much strength?" She simply said, "What choice did I have? I couldn't just give up and die. I had to do what I did." And I think about that often. I haven't had to face a lot of suffering before, so it's hard to know what to do with it, especially with such intense suffering. Juan Carlos tells me not to think about it. I can distract myself sometimes but the feelings sneak up on me and I'm not sure how to make them go away. I feel so weak and I get down on myself about it.
A friend wrote to me the other day though and told me I was strong and she admired me. It really touched me. I didn't even think of how meaningful it would be to hear that. But in the midst of feeling empty, feeling like a failure, feeling weak and tired and vulnerable, how reassuring and wonderful it is to know that is not all that people see in me. How wonderful to think that other people could even gain strength from seeing me get through this. It makes me feel like I have more purpose if I can inspire hope in others. Sometimes I, like my mother in law, feel I have no choice, so it's not real strength- maybe I'm just doing what I have to do. What else could I do? But, in a subtle way, everyday I wake up and face the day ahead I am making a choice- a choice to keep on living, to keep on loving, to keep on falling in love with God and His people regardless of whether they will be here tomorrow or not.
As my mother in law says, "The people in our lives, including our children, are loaned to us- they are not really ours, but God's. He just gives them to us for a time and He knows when He will take them back." It may seem almost cruel through our limited human perspectives that God would give us something, only to take it back, but we people have a hard time understanding love outside of time. We think that to love something is to want it, desire it, be attached to it forever (or at least for a very long time), but God knows that true love is to choose love, regardless of the fact we could lose what we love most at any time. To love a "guarantee" is not vulnerable. To love what you could lose is.
And I have and I've experienced loss, and I've wanted to give up and die or just stop wanting things so I wouldn't have to hurt like this again, but I think in the end not loving would be worse than losing what I love. And so regardless of whether people admire me or tell me I'm strong, I have to be strong for myself. I have to be proud of myself for the baby steps I have to take- for the times I can be happy for another pregnant woman, for the times I can be happy for what I have and not just sad for what I lost. I have to live the call to love whoever is in my life right now and have faith that God will bless me in that and give me the grace to continue regardless of what lies ahead.
Monday, December 8, 2008
God's Plan
Today was hard. A good friend of mine at work found out she's pregnant. I want so badly to be happy for her, just like she was for me, but all these feelings and thoughts have been rushing in and I don't know what to do.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant. I am one office down from her. It was in the morning on September 11th and the doctor called. I called my mom and Haley overheard from her office and came in to congratulate me. She told me to go home that minute and tell Juan Carlos. How could I even think of waiting until after work? We laughed about his reaction and thought about how fun it would be if we got pregnant at the same time.
Like flashbacks, I remember those moments so well and then the moment I was lying there at UW in Seattle and they couldn't find a heartbeat and I swore it was a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. This wasn't supposed to happen! I was going to have my baby in April and go on maternity leave for the summer and then come back in August and Haley would have her baby and go on maternity leave. It worked perfectly with the academic year. I already had it marked on my calendar. We would cover for each other while the other one was out. Summer was slower for me and fall was slower for her. It couldn't be better! Plus we would only be 3 months apart! We would shop for baby clothes together and our babies could play together. Juan Carlos and I might have even be able to go to Mexico in December next year with our baby since it didn't work out this year. Even though it wasn't totally "planned," the end of March/ beginning of April was going to be the perfect time for us to have a baby... I even told Haley she had to wait to get pregnant until December so it would work out this way...
But no, all those plans and dreams got shattered with the devastating news in October- before people could tell me congratulations, they were sending me sympathy cards... most people never brought it up, like it never happened... the experience that is supposed to be pregnancy and motherhood was robbed from me. I was a mother who will never have a mother's day card or celebrate her child's baptism or birthday. I will never know what it's like to nurse or to feel a child kick inside of me. I know my little girl is safe in heaven, blessed with perfect peace and happiness. I'm the one left behind, left to ask what it is God wants from me... If it's not my plan that seemed so perfect, then what is it, God? I can't imagine something better- I don't see how it will all fit, how it will all work out...
Worst of all, I'm so angry at myself for being so self-centered about this. In my head I know that her having a baby does not mean anything for me, about whether I will or won't. I know I should just be happy for her. It doesn't change what was already my reality and my loss. It's just a reminder... a reminder that life keeps going, even when it seems somehow like it should stop and wait for me- a reminder that my plan isn't God's plan and a reminder that there are some things we can't see and we can't understand and we can't know and that's really when we must learn to rely on faith, when faith is the only stronghold we really have left...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
I remember when I found out I was pregnant. I am one office down from her. It was in the morning on September 11th and the doctor called. I called my mom and Haley overheard from her office and came in to congratulate me. She told me to go home that minute and tell Juan Carlos. How could I even think of waiting until after work? We laughed about his reaction and thought about how fun it would be if we got pregnant at the same time.
Like flashbacks, I remember those moments so well and then the moment I was lying there at UW in Seattle and they couldn't find a heartbeat and I swore it was a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. This wasn't supposed to happen! I was going to have my baby in April and go on maternity leave for the summer and then come back in August and Haley would have her baby and go on maternity leave. It worked perfectly with the academic year. I already had it marked on my calendar. We would cover for each other while the other one was out. Summer was slower for me and fall was slower for her. It couldn't be better! Plus we would only be 3 months apart! We would shop for baby clothes together and our babies could play together. Juan Carlos and I might have even be able to go to Mexico in December next year with our baby since it didn't work out this year. Even though it wasn't totally "planned," the end of March/ beginning of April was going to be the perfect time for us to have a baby... I even told Haley she had to wait to get pregnant until December so it would work out this way...
But no, all those plans and dreams got shattered with the devastating news in October- before people could tell me congratulations, they were sending me sympathy cards... most people never brought it up, like it never happened... the experience that is supposed to be pregnancy and motherhood was robbed from me. I was a mother who will never have a mother's day card or celebrate her child's baptism or birthday. I will never know what it's like to nurse or to feel a child kick inside of me. I know my little girl is safe in heaven, blessed with perfect peace and happiness. I'm the one left behind, left to ask what it is God wants from me... If it's not my plan that seemed so perfect, then what is it, God? I can't imagine something better- I don't see how it will all fit, how it will all work out...
Worst of all, I'm so angry at myself for being so self-centered about this. In my head I know that her having a baby does not mean anything for me, about whether I will or won't. I know I should just be happy for her. It doesn't change what was already my reality and my loss. It's just a reminder... a reminder that life keeps going, even when it seems somehow like it should stop and wait for me- a reminder that my plan isn't God's plan and a reminder that there are some things we can't see and we can't understand and we can't know and that's really when we must learn to rely on faith, when faith is the only stronghold we really have left...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
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