I have been sinking again lately. Every day there seems to be talk of yet another person who has gotten pregnant for the first, second or third time, while my turn never seems to come. All my prayers and tears over the past year have gotten me nowhere. People say to trust God and to give it to God. Part of me feels like I may be making it harder on myself by distancing myself, but part of me just really doesn't trust God anymore.
How could a God who loves me just watch as I face setback after setback, ignoring all my pleading and all my prayers and just leave me totally alone and abandoned. Nomatter how I look at it, I can't see why it's best this way. What good can come of so much pain? Last year at this time wondering what was wrong with me, only to find out months later I was pregnant and didn't know, and then to lose the baby... so much guilt and worry and heartache and now, a year later, here I am again, only this time it's even worse, because I have to carry the weight of so much hurt from the past year with me.
I want to hear an inspiring story of someone in a hard situation, who has much more perspective and optimism than me.
I want someone to teach me how to love my life for what it is and not always wish it were different.
I want someone to tell me that motherhood and having babies are not the only path to fulfillment- that there have been people who found happiness and meaning without that, just in case my worst fear comes true and I can never be a mother.
I want God to answer my prayers... more than I've ever wanted anything in my life... I want this answered prayer- something to renew my faith and give me a reason to hope again.
1 comment:
I know how you feel, Janelle. Losing the first baby was hard for me, too, because not only do you have to deal with the grief of loss but also the question, "Will I ever be able to have children???" Losing a second baby to miscarriage was difficult, too. But with the grief comes life -- Clare is now almost 2 and I'm 27 weeks and healthy with #2! it helped me a lot to remember that after Calvary came the Resurrection -- but that Calvary was necessary. You are living that in a very real way right now, and I promise you that God is faithful and that Resurrection DOES come. We have a friend who had 7 miscarriages after their first, and they now have 8 healthy, beautiful children. Sometimes God needs to work in ways we cannot understand. We are praying for you.
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