I have had an incredibly hard time at work recently. Since my horrible evaluation, it's been hard for me to let that go and get my spirits up again, though I am so grateful for the support from my family, co-workers, and wonderful husband. I've gotten a lot of good advice and am doing my best to improve the situation, as unfair and frustrating as it is.
Upon coming back from vacation, though, I was welcomed with more bad news. My supervisor is trying to take away our current office space (I currently have a full, normal-sized private office) and cram all of the staff and her plus at least 3 extra people into a space half the size and give us all cubicles.
Now, there are not all that many advantages to working here- the benefits are not great since they do not cover dental insurance or healthcare for family members at all, the retirement contributions have been revoked as of earlier this year, vacation will be "use it or lose it" by June and can no longer carry over year to year, there have not been raises in I don't even know how long- even the Cost of Living raise (1%) was cut this year, all of the salaries are much lower than other institutions, especially for staff, and I have to say that my office was one "benefit" I really appreciated. Not only do I need a large private space to meet with students confidentially, give exams, etc. but it also just makes me feel like maybe in the eyes of the institution I really am a program manager, deserving of my own private office.
Alas, no more. Maybe I need to be humbled again and this is about acceptance, but between that and the evaluation and everything else here lately, I feel very disrespected and not valued and it makes coming to work every day particularly difficult.
I only hope and pray that someday I can see what all this is for. Now, being pregnant again after feeling like we had to wait so long, the wait seems like nothing when compared with our joy and it seems perfect in God's timing and plan. I hope that I can feel that way about my career too at some point, that it will all come together somehow- the struggles, the humility, the places to push for change and the places to leave things alone.
May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
1 comment:
I love that prayer so much. It's the "wisdom" part that usually stumps me... haha. Knowing the difference between what you can and cannot change -- and even when you CAN change something, knowing whether you SHOULD -- is such a struggle. You have put up with so much at your job, and I honestly don't know how you do it. But I know WHY you do it: out of love for your family and wanting to ensure financial stability. I wish I had advice, but it's a tough situation... but please know that things will work out eventually. Maybe they get harder before they get better, but at some point the pieces will fall into place and you'll feel like you've got your wings back :) You know that saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Well, it's true on a cellular level and it's true in life, as long as you give yourself time to recover from the stresses. If you ever need some sister time, just let me know; I'm really not very far away :)
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