Uncertainty

So, I'm going to break the latest trend of only posting at Danali's monthly "birthdays" and actually take a moment to write a little about myself. I've been reflecting a lot lately. After leaving a negative work environment at Saint Martin's, I was excited to get back into the teaching world, hoping that maybe this would be my calling, my space, my thing to feel good at.

Well, after several months, I think I can say it has and it hasn't been... There have been times I have really loved- helping students through hard times, helping students to get a concept that was hard for them, leading students through well- thought out, well-planned activities that are received well.

And then there have been the days that students seem to argue with me out of nowhere, that they claim I haven't taught them something I should have or they need me to teach them something I feel I can't or the things I plan flop or students drop out or I just feel like I'm making no progress in the face of so much confrontation.

So, I've wondered: Is it hard because I care? Or is it hard because I shouldn't be here?

I recently participated in a "Finding Your Strengths" Workshop with my parish and it has gotten me thinking even more.

My strengths are:

Learner- I love to learn about everything and anything (I would say this is true- Juan Carlos noticed as well one day when I was talking about how I want to learn to give massages or to cut hair and he said, "You want to know everything and I want to have everything..."

Connectedness- I believe things happen for a reason and we are all connected. I believe that this should drive our behavior because if we hurt others, we hurt ourselves and if exploit others, we exploit ourselves. I think this really plays into my tendency toward social justice teachings that emphasize the connectedness of humanity and my desire to know and understand how people live around the world to feel connected to them.

Individualization- I see the individual characteristics and qualities of each person and try to treat them accordingly. But sometimes I'm also overwhelmed in getting to know people because of that I feel I need to know about them.

Significance- I want to be important in the eyes of others and I want to be recognized. I want my work to be a way of life, not just a job and I want to have a long-lasting, meaningful impact on the world. This is just so true. I have realized that being in positions where I am either put down or not recognized has a really negative impact on me and my motivation.

Restorative- I am energized by problems. I can see problems easily and find solutions easily. I think this is true in many respects... when I started at Saint Martins, I immediately identified the problem of the lack of assessment with incoming students. When the ESL program at SPSCC has been under attack because of the lack of revenue, it generates, I wanted to explore alternative sources of funding for the program. Currently, I'm working to resolve gaps in the transition of international students from the Intensive English Program to college courses.

It was a little hard for me to reconcile these at first, especially with the absence of other strengths I might have assumed would be there, such as empathy and something that would speak to "teaching."

And as much as I like the concept of treating all my students as individuals and seeing their unique strengths, it has felt overwhelming to me recently to see all the very different, overpowering needs. I have tried to identify the issues and address them, but more and more keep budding up. It seems as soon as I "put out one fire" and resolve one relationship, another fire arises. So, my strengths really haven't felt like strengths at all lately and I have been feeling as though I'm really not great at anything...

I guess it's times like these though that God uses to call us back to Him, when we can't rely on ourselves anymore- when we don't know how to handle the issues,when we don't know what the future holds, where we'll be, where we're supposed to be, when we have no choice but to fall to our knees and listen again.