Today has just been a really emotional day for me. I had a doctor's appointment and it was the first time I'd been back to Group Health since my miscarriage, which brought back a flood of unexpected emotions. I didn't have a great experience with my last doctor, so I had changed doctors and my first appointment was today, but I came away feeling essentially just as lost as when I went in. I had done my reading and knew the basics but had some more complicated questions about hormones and conceiving again- the doctor immediately told me just to have intercourse every day during the week between my periods and that was it- not related to my questions and did not make me feel any better in terms of where I'm at physically. Am I ok? Are my hormone levels still off? Is this "normal" (whatever that means- I could write another blog on this!)
Once again, I think I'm stuck looking to science for answers only God can give. The gift of unreliable health care is that I just have to trust God and pray they aren't missing something and then trust God again. This is such a hard place to be in and especially being constantly surrounded by pregnancy talk because of my coworker's perfectly healthy pregnancy right next door. I can't walk down the hall without hearing about it and therefore, thinking about it and sometimes I'm proud of myself for handling it so well and other times I just want to break down and cry or go home and never come back. As if work wasn't hard enough anyway.
Even harder was that I was hoping my supervisor would send me to Japan again this year, since I am not giving birth at the end of March, I am available at the end of May, the recruiting is for the ESL program, and I have been making an effort to learn Japanese this semester, but today I found out she will send Haley, my coworker instead, even though she'll be 7 months pregnant and couldn't go last year because that week is incredibly busy with summer programs. I guess that means I will get to endure the stress and extra work in the office during May, as well as for the 3 months she'll be off on maternity leave during our busiest time of year- summer to fall. I know it's not her fault and the vast majority of this is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I just really need a breakthrough with something right now. I've been going through an emotional and spiritual drought and I just don't know where to get strength anymore.... we're still waiting on the bank to approve our offer on a house and there's no end in sight. My aunt, our agent, has lost all hope. Our lease is up at the end of the month and I have no idea where we're going to go or how long we'll have to find a "temporary" place for. I've said enough about work for you to understand my frustrations with that I think and clearly, parenthood is only a far off elusive dream for the time being. Every time I feel like things are starting to get better and I'm improving, I find another boulder in my path- I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to pray or what to pray for anymore. I want so badly to understand what God's purpose is in all of this and it's just not coming to me. I am having no "aha" or "revelation" moments, so I guess for now, I'll just keep focusing on keeping my head above water and getting through this. I just have to remember "this too will pass..."
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Perfect Timing
I feel lighter lately, like some kind of weight has been gradually lifted off my shoulders without me realizing it. I've been amazed and inspired by people on my "virtual" path recently. Somehow, through what would seem to be a not-so-productive habit of reading others' blogs, I found my way to a blog called "my small treasures." The author had posted a writing from a friend of hers who had recently lost a child. The post was moving, but after realizing it was her friend's and not hers, I tried to find out more about the author of the blog I was led to- I saw her picture- a beautiful young woman with two smiling little girls- I immediately thought- yet another "perfect" family where everything went according to plan... reading on I found out differently.
This woman and her husband struggled through infertility for years and lost a baby through a failed adoption before finally adopting two beautiful little girls successfully. She looks back at all the suffering she went through now able to see the blessings and says she wouldn't change a thing. It was so powerful for me to read her story, understand so deeply her pain in wanting children so badly and not being able to have them and I was inspired that she has now arrived at a place where she has found her vocation and feels content.
Some of my struggle lately has been fighting God's timing. My little girl should have been born at the end of this month- I was given two different due dates- March 31st and April 1st and of course, it's anyone's guess anyway, but needless to say, I have been thinking lately about what it would be like to be in my last four weeks of pregnancy, with a big, healthy belly, feeling my little girl move and kick inside me and I regret that I never had that experience with Angelica, but even more I have been resenting God for "putting it off" for me in general. As I face my 25th birthday at the end of the month, I think of how much I wanted to be a mother by now.
I don't have a reason to believe I will never be a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption but I've been struggling with the fact that it's "not yet" especially being around so many friends and family members who are younger and very "fruitful" Maybe my struggle has a little to do with being the oldest sister of three and oldest cousin of 17, where I'm used to being the first to do things or the fact that I had already put "baby" into my plans, created a maternity plan, started making all the arrangements or maybe it's because I want there to be something "next" and this seems like the perfect "next step" for us. I really don't know why it's such a struggle for me, but every month that goes by and I still find myself not pregnant, I have found myself frustrated by God's timing.... until now.
I really feel like I'm starting to come to peace with letting go of my plans and giving it to God, and doing so, knowing that most likely some things about the due date won't be "ideal" but bringing a new life into the world is something that you make room for and so it doesn't have to fit perfectly with vacation time and work plans. Rather, the baby becomes the priority, so regardless of whether we own a home by then, where I'm working or where we live, if God decides it's time, it's time and we will thank Him and make room in our lives for this precious gift. I may never be able to look back and understand why January and not December or why May and not March, but I don't have to. God doesn't call us to understand- He just calls us to love and to follow His will.
So, finally, Lord, here I am, in all my brokenness, all my joy, all my hurt, all my love, all my past and all my future. Take me and use me for Your plans, Your will, in Your time. Meanwhile, I will try to be the best person I can today, and step by step I'll trust that you're leading me, as you've led so many of the strong, beautiful, loving women I've had the privilege to read about lately. Thank you for the faith and hope only You can give.
This woman and her husband struggled through infertility for years and lost a baby through a failed adoption before finally adopting two beautiful little girls successfully. She looks back at all the suffering she went through now able to see the blessings and says she wouldn't change a thing. It was so powerful for me to read her story, understand so deeply her pain in wanting children so badly and not being able to have them and I was inspired that she has now arrived at a place where she has found her vocation and feels content.
Some of my struggle lately has been fighting God's timing. My little girl should have been born at the end of this month- I was given two different due dates- March 31st and April 1st and of course, it's anyone's guess anyway, but needless to say, I have been thinking lately about what it would be like to be in my last four weeks of pregnancy, with a big, healthy belly, feeling my little girl move and kick inside me and I regret that I never had that experience with Angelica, but even more I have been resenting God for "putting it off" for me in general. As I face my 25th birthday at the end of the month, I think of how much I wanted to be a mother by now.
I don't have a reason to believe I will never be a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption but I've been struggling with the fact that it's "not yet" especially being around so many friends and family members who are younger and very "fruitful" Maybe my struggle has a little to do with being the oldest sister of three and oldest cousin of 17, where I'm used to being the first to do things or the fact that I had already put "baby" into my plans, created a maternity plan, started making all the arrangements or maybe it's because I want there to be something "next" and this seems like the perfect "next step" for us. I really don't know why it's such a struggle for me, but every month that goes by and I still find myself not pregnant, I have found myself frustrated by God's timing.... until now.
I really feel like I'm starting to come to peace with letting go of my plans and giving it to God, and doing so, knowing that most likely some things about the due date won't be "ideal" but bringing a new life into the world is something that you make room for and so it doesn't have to fit perfectly with vacation time and work plans. Rather, the baby becomes the priority, so regardless of whether we own a home by then, where I'm working or where we live, if God decides it's time, it's time and we will thank Him and make room in our lives for this precious gift. I may never be able to look back and understand why January and not December or why May and not March, but I don't have to. God doesn't call us to understand- He just calls us to love and to follow His will.
So, finally, Lord, here I am, in all my brokenness, all my joy, all my hurt, all my love, all my past and all my future. Take me and use me for Your plans, Your will, in Your time. Meanwhile, I will try to be the best person I can today, and step by step I'll trust that you're leading me, as you've led so many of the strong, beautiful, loving women I've had the privilege to read about lately. Thank you for the faith and hope only You can give.
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