Today

When a couple loses an unborn first child, it's not just a matter of saying goodbye to that child, but also involves wondering whether God will ever bless them with any child to care for and raise and if God does bless them with another child, how will they get through those first several months until the risk of miscarriage goes down and they can be relatively sure this baby's going to stick around for awhile...

When I was 19, on my way to spend 4 months in Chile, the longest I had ever been away from my family, let alone my country, I started to freak out. My younger sister, ever-wise, told me "Don't think of it as 4 months, Janelle. Think of it as today. Just think of what you're doing right now- what you have to do in 5 minutes. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live today." I took her advice and I thought about checking in my bags, walking to the terminal, getting on the airplane and step by step, I spent an amazing four months of my life in one of the longest countries in the world and in focusing day by day, I think I made the most out of it that I possibly could have.

Before I got pregnant I was telling her how I didn't know how I'd be able to do it- 4 months to pass the 16 week mark when I lost Angelica, of worrying, of wondering of waiting....

Again, she told me, "You can't focus on the time Janelle. The time will pass. Focus on today. Today you are not pregnant. But when you are, each day you can wake up and say 'today I'm pregnant and just focus on that one day.'"

And again, I have taken her words to heart. I wake up in the morning, touch my belly and say, "Thank you, God, for another day with my baby- with our baby. "

It really gives me a sense of peace to see the blessing in what I've already been given because I already have something no one can ever take away from me. I have today- this moment- with my precious child- the child God has entrusted me with. I don't know how long this child will be with me here on earth, but I know God has given me today and that gift is all I could ever ask for.

First appointment and TRUST

So, I had my first appointment yesterday. I was really hoping to be able to hear the heartbeat, but they said it was still too early for the equipment they had to pick it up. I'll have to wait until our first ultrasound on October 21st.

My mom came with me since Juan Carlos had to work late - I am so grateful for her. I told her I was nervous and she gave me this, which she heard on a Catholic radio station she listens to regularly now.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

True
Resolve
Under
Severe
Testing

I certainly feel "tested" lately- from wondering if I am feeling "too good" for the first trimester to being worried about putting on too much weight too fast, I long for a sense of peace- that feeling that everything is going to be ok.

I know now, more than ever, that there are no guarantees- yet, I have to learn to get past that- peace does not come from guarantees that things will work out the way we want, but rather from trusting that regardless of what happens, God will be there.

May God being here with me nomatter what happens finally be enough to give me peace and may I have the faith I need to get through this, for faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1