Not to forget

It will never cease to amaze me how easily I can take things for granted and I really don't want to do that. I want to value every moment, every gift as if I were about to lose it... and I just find myself forgetting how precious certain things are.

These are things I once longed desperately for and now want to cherish:

1) Falling in love
2) Being married
3) Owning a home
4) Getting/Being pregnant

When these things were just far-off dreams, I made so many promises to myself about how I would cherish them- how I would constantly remind my partner that I love him, how I would take exceptionally good care of our home, how I would never complain about anything in pregnancy and would thank God every day for another day with our baby... Unfortunately, I haven't kept these promises as well as I should...

I have so much to be grateful for- not only those things above but also:

• Incredible parents who show their love for me a thousand different ways
• Steady, meaningful work
• A formal education that I have thoroughly loved
• The ability to walk, to dance, to run, to jump
• The ability to write and read, to speak and listen, to smell and hear
• The luxury of going out to eat, of getting my nails done with my mom, of being able to buy new clothes when I need them
• Sisters that I would never trade for anything in the world...bright, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, incredible young women...
• Coworkers that make work not only bearable but also often enjoyable
• Friends- good friends that are loyal and really truly there for me
• My faith- my faith that helps me maintain hope, that helps me remember what's really important, that challenges me, guides me, shapes me

I know I could never deserve all the blessings in my life- I don't pretend to think that just by "being a good person" all of this should be mine. I am totally humbled when I think of all the ways I have been blessed and totally ashamed to think of how much I complain in spite of my blessings...

Oh Lord, I am so sorry for the times I forget to be thankful- for times I see the glass as half-empty, for times I am grumpy without any reason to be. Please help me to simplify my life and re-prioritize to focus on what's really important. Please help me not to forget the the times when I longed for what I have now, so as to not take today for granted... Thank you for all that you've blessed us with- most of all for the hope of one day being with you in heaven.

"Big tummy"

These are some of the possible reasons myself and others have brainstormed that I look exceptionally "panzona" for being only 33 weeks pregnant.

1) Narrow hips- baby has nowhere to go but out (I'm hoping this will somehow not be an issue when the baby decides to actually come out)

2) Placenta in the back

3) Short torso

4) It's a girl (we'll see if we ever have a boy how well this theory holds up)

5) Insatiable appetite leading to many calories consumed minus getting enough exercise to burn off all those extra calories= 35 lbs gained already when this should be the most I weigh about a month down the line...

but not to worry because I'm exercising now with Juan Carlos 3 times a week and my midwife says I should only put on about another pound a week (x 7 weeks left)- great! Very comforting!

I'll let you know if I'm still able to hold myself up in a month or if I'll have to prop chairs and tables under my belly for support- what do people with multiples do? Alas, if the insatiable appetite is the culprit, I will have to be a little more disciplined next time around. ; )

Miracle Marks

My sisters gave me a maternity photo shoot as one of my gifts, which I am really excited about. I've been looking at different pictures for inspiration about what kind of pictures I would like and it's gotten me thinking a lot about my own body and pregnant bodies in general.

There's a saying that if you find anything in nature ugly, you're not appreciating its diversity.
I feel like being a woman in this world, beauty is nearly always on the mind in one way or another. I could blog about women and beauty for hours, but suffice it to say that I find society's definition of what's "beautiful" to be extremely limiting, random, and shallow the vast majority of the time.

I would venture to say that if you find anything about pregnancy ugly, you're not appreciating its miracle. I was thinking about stretch marks in particular and how people always want to avoid them, how we always hope that after pregnancy our bodies go back to being the same as they were before pregnancy, like nothing ever happened. We idolize women who look like "they never had children", with flat stomachs, lean figures, no stretch marks or scars.... Why? Why do we want to physically "erase" the fact that our bodies participated in a miracle. We accept the emotional changes in our lives as we become parents and yet fail to embrace the physical ones.

In looking at pictures of pregnant women with many stretch marks, I wonder: why is that undesirable? What are stretch marks actually? They are really "miracle marks"- marks that God made women's bodies to grow and stretch and hold new life. Sometimes I still find myself staring in the mirror at my own body, fascinated by how its changed, and without any of my own doing or my own effort. I haven't had to manually stretch my skin or "add fertilizer" to make my baby grow. It's just happened. And it's such a miracle- such a miracle that I feel her arms and legs a little stronger and a little longer now and that she'll continue to grow and my body will continue to hold her until one day she will "be ready" to come out and my body will know what to do to help her into the world outside my womb.

It's strange being pregnant because sometimes you encounter people who are in touch with the miracle of it and they look at you in a different way, with a sense of wonder and appreciation. To me, these are the people that can see beauty and that attract beauty to their lives. They don't see an awkward "fat" woman waddling around the store looking for tomatoes. They see life. Life beginning and growing and your participation in that... and they are fascinated and amazed.

I am not, generally speaking, one of those people. I am ashamed now that I even spent many months resenting pregnant women for being able to participate in the miracle I never thought I would... I was so weak. I hope in the future, though, even if presented with similar or more difficult challenges, that I can be the one to see beauty, even and especially if it's not in myself. I hope I can reject society's view of what it means to gain weight, to have scars from c-sections, to have stretch marks and instead learn to love and embrace my body and appreciate what it is able to do and the physical marks of that...

May we all question what it is we find beautiful more often and whether those things are truly deserving of our appreciation. And may we never fail to recognize the miracles, as "normal" as they may seem, for in them lies our window to heaven and our vision of God.

Updates

Wow, I hadn't realized how long it had been since I posted... it will probably be best just to give quick updates of everything lately....

1) My mom and I finished the hypnobirthing class at the end of February. I am slowly but surely finishing the book now, which has really made the whole class more meaningful and complete to me and am planning to pass it off to my mom any day now...

2) Little Dani is moving now all the time. At 28 weeks, I was getting really worried I wasn't feeling her enough. We even went into the hospital one Friday evening to make sure she was ok. I prayed I would feel her more and now even Juan Carlos tells her to go to sleep to give me a rest (maybe because I don't let him rest telling him she's moving all the time) I love it, though I still can't get over how weird it is to be in the middle of teaching and have a little baby kicking at my tummy, under my ribs or rolling onto my bladder.

3) My pregnancy so far has been a relative breeze- minimal nausea first trimester (I was so happy to be pregnant, I welcomed any symptoms anyway), minimal heartburn second trimester...and now, into the third trimester, I am just starting to get a little back pain, frequent bathroom trips (I get up at least twice a night) and much more heartburn... I really need to start bringing TUMS to work with me...overall, though, I have to say I still love being pregnant and wouldn't trade this for the world.

4) Juan Carlos and I have been doing really well lately. We went on a " mini babymoon" getaway this past weekend to Anderson Island and we just hung out and talked and did basically nothing together all weekend and it was so great. I was reminded of how much I love being married to my best friend. It sounds so corny but it's such a blessing to still be able to fill a weekend with things to talk about, when we've been together for 5 years, to still goof off and have fun together, and still make each other laugh. I know 5 is nowhere close to the 27 years my parents will have been married at the end of this month, but still... I love feeling like I know someone so well and yet never get tired of getting to know them at the same time...

5) I'm still on the job hunt. I've applied for two teaching positions, which would definitely be my top choice, since I would be making about the same as I do now (I think) with possibilities for advancement, plus I would work almost half the time and I'd always be teaching, which I really enjoy. There are a couple other positions I need to apply for this week too. I am just hoping and praying the right thing comes along at the right time...

6) I think I am absolutely insane sometimes. I am working full-time at Saint Martin's, teaching 5 hours a week (Tuesday and Thursday nights) at South Puget Sound Community College and now, I have enrolled in a two-week online class, all during month 7 of pregnancy, but somehow God has given me the strength to do this (and a very understanding husband who has been picking up loose ends around the house, etc. since I am almost never home...) I am looking forward to resting/focusing on preparations for the baby more in April...

7) My first baby shower is this weekend and I am SO excited!!!