Well, this birthday was hard for me- partly because it falls right around the time our little girl would have been born and partly because I've been struggling to accept my present circumstances and how I want so many things for myself and for Juan Carlos that just aren't our reality right now.
In spite of my disappointment and frustration, though, I do realize I have so much to be grateful for, especially my family and my husband. I'm also thankful to have work and a place to live and another year of life.
I recently took the time to write "25 random things about me" so for my 25th birthday, here's a snapshot of who I am today:
1) I have always loved horses and wanted to live on a farm.
2) Losing my baby girl was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
3) I miss being in theatre and I want to be in a play again someday.
4) I got my certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages because I wanted to teach Juan Carlos (my husband) English.
5) I would love to have at least 4 kids.
6) If we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom in the future, I would.
7) I plan everything- I reserved a place for our wedding reception before Juan Carlos had asked me to marry him.
8) When I was little, I folded my sister up in the hide-a-bed couch.
9) I used to be so shy, I would write out a “script” for myself if I had to call the store to see what time it closed.
10) I’m passionate.
11) I can’t stand working for people who are not logical or will not communicate the reasons behind their decisions.
12) Injustice is one of the only things that makes me really angry.
13) I had to drop out of IB Spanish in high school because I was so bad at it, but later went on to major in it in college. Now, I speak Spanish at home.
14) I’ve always had a natural, pretty useless gift for diagramming sentences.
15) I really want to be in a position at work where I can make decisions, make changes and make a difference.
16) I love my sisters and my parents more than I have ever told them or could ever tell them.
17) I studied abroad in Mexico and in Chile.
18) I met my husband at a Mexican restaurant called Los Pinos de Lacey- I got laid off after only a month of working there, but it was enough time for us to meet.
19) I've always had an interest in being an immigration lawyer.
20) I am easily influenced by people I love.
21) I wish I was stronger and more confident than I am.
22) I value simplicity.
23) I am Catholic and I’ve always had a strong faith.
24) I love to laugh.
25) My graduate school and especially my classmates there had a significant influence on how I see the world.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Suffering for a Reason
"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" Philippians 1:29
What is it about suffering for someone or something that makes it so much easier to bear? I've heard people say that childbirth is the most painful experience they've ever had but it's all worth it because they are able to give birth to a new life. Likewise, it seems like many people, for a good reason, are willing and sometimes even happy to suffer.
It is when we find ourselves asking "why? what's the purpose?" that our suffering seems nearly impossible to bear. I have spent months searching for a reason, a purpose to make it all worth while. I have thought that maybe since we live in a fallen world and miscarriage is a part of it, that there have to be a percentage of women that go through it. Since no one in my immediate or extended family has had to go through it, I would go through it so they didn't have to. I would take on this burden. Of course it wasn't my choice, and honestly, I still struggled to be "happy" about it, even with this perspective, but at least it would be easier to accept than the idea that I am just "unlucky" or it's random and there's no real purpose- it's just purposeless suffering.
Shortly after we found out Angelica didn't make it, I was reunited with an old friend through the internet. She told me to make the most of this time and that it had the potential to make me a saint. I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words have come up again and again for me the last several months. What can I do? How can I give purpose to this time that I just want to end? I just want to be out of this "valley" and on my way up the mountain again, full of hope and passion and purpose. I think about "being a saint" and I think about praying, but I don't know what to say to God, except beg Him to let this be over, to show me why I have to go through this, and ask for His strength because I feel I have none of my own left.
I remember so well a bible study night I had with a group of peer ministers from the Catholic Campus Ministry at Western. We were in the basement of Sacred Heart talking about suffering and scripture on suffering. It was so much easier for me to talk about than it has been for me to go through. Then, today, I saw the verse at the top of this blog. I don't really know what it means, but I guess it makes sense to me that if Christ suffered so much for me and my sins on this earth, that I could "suffer for Him" too. I don't really know how to go about that, except to just start offering it up. If you have any responses, ideas or thoughts to share, feel free... I'd love to hear them.
What is it about suffering for someone or something that makes it so much easier to bear? I've heard people say that childbirth is the most painful experience they've ever had but it's all worth it because they are able to give birth to a new life. Likewise, it seems like many people, for a good reason, are willing and sometimes even happy to suffer.
It is when we find ourselves asking "why? what's the purpose?" that our suffering seems nearly impossible to bear. I have spent months searching for a reason, a purpose to make it all worth while. I have thought that maybe since we live in a fallen world and miscarriage is a part of it, that there have to be a percentage of women that go through it. Since no one in my immediate or extended family has had to go through it, I would go through it so they didn't have to. I would take on this burden. Of course it wasn't my choice, and honestly, I still struggled to be "happy" about it, even with this perspective, but at least it would be easier to accept than the idea that I am just "unlucky" or it's random and there's no real purpose- it's just purposeless suffering.
Shortly after we found out Angelica didn't make it, I was reunited with an old friend through the internet. She told me to make the most of this time and that it had the potential to make me a saint. I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words have come up again and again for me the last several months. What can I do? How can I give purpose to this time that I just want to end? I just want to be out of this "valley" and on my way up the mountain again, full of hope and passion and purpose. I think about "being a saint" and I think about praying, but I don't know what to say to God, except beg Him to let this be over, to show me why I have to go through this, and ask for His strength because I feel I have none of my own left.
I remember so well a bible study night I had with a group of peer ministers from the Catholic Campus Ministry at Western. We were in the basement of Sacred Heart talking about suffering and scripture on suffering. It was so much easier for me to talk about than it has been for me to go through. Then, today, I saw the verse at the top of this blog. I don't really know what it means, but I guess it makes sense to me that if Christ suffered so much for me and my sins on this earth, that I could "suffer for Him" too. I don't really know how to go about that, except to just start offering it up. If you have any responses, ideas or thoughts to share, feel free... I'd love to hear them.
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