"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" Philippians 1:29
What is it about suffering for someone or something that makes it so much easier to bear? I've heard people say that childbirth is the most painful experience they've ever had but it's all worth it because they are able to give birth to a new life. Likewise, it seems like many people, for a good reason, are willing and sometimes even happy to suffer.
It is when we find ourselves asking "why? what's the purpose?" that our suffering seems nearly impossible to bear. I have spent months searching for a reason, a purpose to make it all worth while. I have thought that maybe since we live in a fallen world and miscarriage is a part of it, that there have to be a percentage of women that go through it. Since no one in my immediate or extended family has had to go through it, I would go through it so they didn't have to. I would take on this burden. Of course it wasn't my choice, and honestly, I still struggled to be "happy" about it, even with this perspective, but at least it would be easier to accept than the idea that I am just "unlucky" or it's random and there's no real purpose- it's just purposeless suffering.
Shortly after we found out Angelica didn't make it, I was reunited with an old friend through the internet. She told me to make the most of this time and that it had the potential to make me a saint. I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words have come up again and again for me the last several months. What can I do? How can I give purpose to this time that I just want to end? I just want to be out of this "valley" and on my way up the mountain again, full of hope and passion and purpose. I think about "being a saint" and I think about praying, but I don't know what to say to God, except beg Him to let this be over, to show me why I have to go through this, and ask for His strength because I feel I have none of my own left.
I remember so well a bible study night I had with a group of peer ministers from the Catholic Campus Ministry at Western. We were in the basement of Sacred Heart talking about suffering and scripture on suffering. It was so much easier for me to talk about than it has been for me to go through. Then, today, I saw the verse at the top of this blog. I don't really know what it means, but I guess it makes sense to me that if Christ suffered so much for me and my sins on this earth, that I could "suffer for Him" too. I don't really know how to go about that, except to just start offering it up. If you have any responses, ideas or thoughts to share, feel free... I'd love to hear them.
1 comment:
Two things I have been thinking about:
As parents, part our vocation is to make sure our children get to heaven. You have already accomplished this! She has only ever known true joy – first, she was wanted and loved in your womb, and then, in heaven now experiencing for all eternity the glory of God.
And one way to offer your suffering up. Offer it up for life of an unborn baby. Pray this prayer by Archbishop Fulton Sheen “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I love you very much. I beg you to spare the life of [baby’s name] the unborn baby that I have spiritually adopted who is in danger of abortion.” The name you give this baby could be Angelica and maybe someday God will give you the grace to know that your prayers were answered. You’ll be somewhere and hear a mother call for her child, “Angelica” and you can rejoice “Just maybe that child was spared from abortion because of my prayers.”
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