So, last night I caught a couple minutes of Dr. Phil's interview with the octuplets' mother. I don't really keep up with the current news too much and I'm especially out of the loop when it comes to these kinds of stories, but JC filled me in a little so I could follow the interview.
I will preface this by saying most people who know me consider me a pessimist to some extent. I remember a conversation in the car when I was in high school. My sister said, "optimists live longer" and I replied quite honestly, "but they are more disappointed when they die" It seems morbid to some, and I have done a lot of self- reflection and tried hard over the years to change my pessimistic attitude towards things, but I still find a natural gravity towards the "negative".
One part of the interview struck me, as Dr. Phil criticized the mother for having a very "Polyanna" type attitude towards the whole prospect of raising 14 children on her own, saying she wasn't being realistic enough. It was the first time I've ever heard someone criticized for, in essence, being too positive. And I realized that as much as pessimism is not seen as being a desirable trait in many circumstances, it does have its place in grounding us in reality sometimes.
I've also been reading some things lately about how women who are "overachievers" or who are very driven find it very difficult when it comes to getting pregnant and being pregnant because they have controlled so many things up until then and pregnancy is something that can be so out of one's control, in spite of birth control and technological advances which might lead us to think otherwise.
There is a strange gap I've been grappling with between things we can and responsibly should work for and towards and things we should give up control over and let God deal with. Having free will is complicated that way. I feel it would be irresponsible to just stop working and expect God (or the government) to "take care of me" but it's also unreasonable to constantly job search or take up a couple extra jobs and become a "workaholic" just to cover my bases in case the economy takes another dive and I lose my job.
I'm inspired by Polyanna (and others like her) in many ways, and I have been actively trying to find the things in my life to be thankful for and happy about, but I'm also relieved to realize that my "negativity" has a place as well, in keeping me grounded and helping me to face "reality" sometimes... It's a delicate balance trying to strive both for hope and trust in God and yet "take things into my own hands" at the same time... hence the simple, yet ever resounding theme of "work and pray" Perhaps it's not in the mastering of this balance but in the striving for it that we find peace and holiness.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
The privilege of having vision
So, I apparently overstepped my bounds once again today in an email inviting the office and some other colleagues to hear about what I did for my capstone because I "did not follow proper protocol" in deciding to do a presentation and honestly, maybe I did not. Maybe I should have met with my boss and gone over my paper in painstaking detail and let her change my words around to things I didn't mean and take the heart out of everything I was trying to say and then met with the teachers and then the staff and then the group of people my boss would deem appropriate to meet with next before ever presenting my raw ideas.
But can I just express how frustrating this is? Why do I have to talk to my supervisor to talk to someone else's supervisor to talk to them instead of just going over to their office and talking to them myself? Why can't I just present my ideas as what they are- MY IDEAS and hear what people have to say about them?
I guess a part of me knew she would probably want to call my whole presentation off but a part of me wanted to risk it, because a part of me hates that all my ideas have to go through "policy and procedure" and never actually get tried out because by the time it's all said and done, they are not even my ideas anymore.
And it's not that I don't want to be collaborative. That was the intent behind the entire thing was to put some of my ideas out on the table as a starting place and then get everyone else's input. I was willing to have a group of people tear my ideas apart and start from scratch, but I am just sick and tired of always being shut down by the one person I cannot get past- my supervisor.
Having the experience over and over again of passion and vision and just being told again and again that no, we won't try that, no, we can't do that, has just made me realize what a privilege it is to dream and have vision that actually gets somewhere that it can go somewhere. I love to look at a program and analyze it and see what could be better, how it fits into the whole organizational structure, how it could better fulfill its purpose, but every time I try to put something out there, I find that I used the wrong media, spoke at the wrong time, used the wrong words, had the wrong idea. Why? Why is everything "wrong" and "right" instead of different? Why am I not seen as having a "different" approach to things rather than a "wrong" one?
Juan Carlos tells me I want to run before I walk- that I'm too anxious to move up and be in a place of authority, with the privilege of being heard. But I just can't see myself being happy here, with so little autonomy, so little actual say and control to CHANGE anything! If only I could follow in the footsteps of my predecessors and not make waves and just type away my 40 hours a week, making sure class schedules and classrooms were all in order and call it good, but the bigger picture pulls at me, as helpless as I am to do anything about it.
But can I just express how frustrating this is? Why do I have to talk to my supervisor to talk to someone else's supervisor to talk to them instead of just going over to their office and talking to them myself? Why can't I just present my ideas as what they are- MY IDEAS and hear what people have to say about them?
I guess a part of me knew she would probably want to call my whole presentation off but a part of me wanted to risk it, because a part of me hates that all my ideas have to go through "policy and procedure" and never actually get tried out because by the time it's all said and done, they are not even my ideas anymore.
And it's not that I don't want to be collaborative. That was the intent behind the entire thing was to put some of my ideas out on the table as a starting place and then get everyone else's input. I was willing to have a group of people tear my ideas apart and start from scratch, but I am just sick and tired of always being shut down by the one person I cannot get past- my supervisor.
Having the experience over and over again of passion and vision and just being told again and again that no, we won't try that, no, we can't do that, has just made me realize what a privilege it is to dream and have vision that actually gets somewhere that it can go somewhere. I love to look at a program and analyze it and see what could be better, how it fits into the whole organizational structure, how it could better fulfill its purpose, but every time I try to put something out there, I find that I used the wrong media, spoke at the wrong time, used the wrong words, had the wrong idea. Why? Why is everything "wrong" and "right" instead of different? Why am I not seen as having a "different" approach to things rather than a "wrong" one?
Juan Carlos tells me I want to run before I walk- that I'm too anxious to move up and be in a place of authority, with the privilege of being heard. But I just can't see myself being happy here, with so little autonomy, so little actual say and control to CHANGE anything! If only I could follow in the footsteps of my predecessors and not make waves and just type away my 40 hours a week, making sure class schedules and classrooms were all in order and call it good, but the bigger picture pulls at me, as helpless as I am to do anything about it.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Finding Purpose
I have been in a kind of emotional funk lately and today I think I just woke up exhausted from thinking so much about so many things this past weekend. I was dreading going to class feeling so out of it and emotional and everything, but today my class was a real gift to me.
We had been reading a story called "The Luck of Roaring Camp" adapted for English language learners, but a very thought-provoking story overall, about a camp of miners during the gold rush. There was only one woman living in the camp, which is a little odd in and of itself. She dies giving birth and the men "adopt" the baby, name him "the Luck" and the baby brings them luck for awhile. In the process, then men also change their habits, stop swearing so much, plant some flowers, and try to make the camp more comfortable for a child.
Then, however, winter sets in, floods wash away everyone's homes, almost everyone dies and the last scene is two men watching one of the men float on a raft holding tightly onto the baby. The baby has already died and the man is telling the people watching that he is about to die too- that "the luck is a-taking me with him"
When I first read the story, I was pretty distraught- it seemed so incredibly depressing. For homework, the students had to write about whether this story was happy or sad and why and what the message is.
The students talked about a lot of possibilities but some stood out to me. One student talked about how the story was sad because it shows us that as much as we can change ourselves, prepare ourselves and control in our lives, there are always things outside of our control that can take our lives or the lives of others. A sad concept, indeed.
Another student talked about how the story was happy because everyone has a purpose in life. Even though it is sad that a baby would die, the baby helped the men to learn to love. Before the baby, the men only thought of themselves. They were selfish, but because of the baby, the men changed their lives and became better people. The baby fulfilled his purpose of changing the men and the men fulfilled theirs.
So, I think of my own life, of how frustrating it is that so many things are outside of my own control, how despite my best efforts, I may never have what I long for most and yet, how there is another way to see that reality- the point is not necessarily to survive, but to "fulfill a purpose" if you will- to reach our potential, to be better.
I was reading on a website about miscarriage how sometimes women who miscarry can project fears onto the next child, treat their other children like they are too delicate or become overprotective or overbearing. Sometimes we can compound our losses by doing things that cause us to lose so much more than what was originally lost. Nothing can bring back my baby. Nothing will bring her back into the world.... but why do I want her here? To love and hold and teach and care for? There are many people in my life that I can give my love to, that I can hold, that I can teach and that I can care for in one way or another... of course, it is not the same as having my own daughter, but love is love- if we all only loved our own children in this world and not the children of others, we would remain a cold, selfish culture...
Sometimes I worry I won't be able to "experience" certain things in life- like being able to carry a baby inside- I worry I'll never be able to feel that intimacy, that closeness, the miracle that it is to carry a baby inside of you... a large part of me wants to have a child to understand what it was that the Virgin Mary experienced or that so many women have experienced throughout time, but then I also realize no one can experience everything.
People who have never lost a child can imagine but can never intimately know what it is to lose a child - another powerful experience of our Virgin mother. Most people would be perfectly content to never experience this of course, but God has brought about some of the most incredible and important miracles through human suffering. I am reminded of how the Catholic Church considers Easter, and not Christmas, to be the most important day of the year. Of course, Easter couldn't have happened without Christmas, but Jesus' purpose would never have been brought to fulfillment without His death.
Perhaps I am still mourning Angelica's death because children come into the world in part at least, to change their parents, hopefully for the better- to help them learn how to give more, and be less selfish... and I am, selfishly, too tied up in my own sadness to allow her to fulfill her purpose in me...
When a baby lives, it's easier in some ways- you know where to direct your love, you get the satisfaction of seeing the fruit of your labor and your love and your sleepless nights in your baby's face. When your child dies, it's not as easy. It's unclear who you're supposed to care for, where you're supposed to direct all this built up energy and passion and love. I guess that's what I'm struggling with- I'm looking for a "new love" but maybe my calling right now is to recognize and appreciate the love I already have in my life. Not in the form of a newborn baby, but in the many other forms Christ comes to us- in my incredible, generous, supportive parents, my beautiful, thoughtful sisters, and my strong, patient husband. I'll leave you with the following quote by Edgar Allen Poe,
"Never to have suffered would never to have been blessed."
We had been reading a story called "The Luck of Roaring Camp" adapted for English language learners, but a very thought-provoking story overall, about a camp of miners during the gold rush. There was only one woman living in the camp, which is a little odd in and of itself. She dies giving birth and the men "adopt" the baby, name him "the Luck" and the baby brings them luck for awhile. In the process, then men also change their habits, stop swearing so much, plant some flowers, and try to make the camp more comfortable for a child.
Then, however, winter sets in, floods wash away everyone's homes, almost everyone dies and the last scene is two men watching one of the men float on a raft holding tightly onto the baby. The baby has already died and the man is telling the people watching that he is about to die too- that "the luck is a-taking me with him"
When I first read the story, I was pretty distraught- it seemed so incredibly depressing. For homework, the students had to write about whether this story was happy or sad and why and what the message is.
The students talked about a lot of possibilities but some stood out to me. One student talked about how the story was sad because it shows us that as much as we can change ourselves, prepare ourselves and control in our lives, there are always things outside of our control that can take our lives or the lives of others. A sad concept, indeed.
Another student talked about how the story was happy because everyone has a purpose in life. Even though it is sad that a baby would die, the baby helped the men to learn to love. Before the baby, the men only thought of themselves. They were selfish, but because of the baby, the men changed their lives and became better people. The baby fulfilled his purpose of changing the men and the men fulfilled theirs.
So, I think of my own life, of how frustrating it is that so many things are outside of my own control, how despite my best efforts, I may never have what I long for most and yet, how there is another way to see that reality- the point is not necessarily to survive, but to "fulfill a purpose" if you will- to reach our potential, to be better.
I was reading on a website about miscarriage how sometimes women who miscarry can project fears onto the next child, treat their other children like they are too delicate or become overprotective or overbearing. Sometimes we can compound our losses by doing things that cause us to lose so much more than what was originally lost. Nothing can bring back my baby. Nothing will bring her back into the world.... but why do I want her here? To love and hold and teach and care for? There are many people in my life that I can give my love to, that I can hold, that I can teach and that I can care for in one way or another... of course, it is not the same as having my own daughter, but love is love- if we all only loved our own children in this world and not the children of others, we would remain a cold, selfish culture...
Sometimes I worry I won't be able to "experience" certain things in life- like being able to carry a baby inside- I worry I'll never be able to feel that intimacy, that closeness, the miracle that it is to carry a baby inside of you... a large part of me wants to have a child to understand what it was that the Virgin Mary experienced or that so many women have experienced throughout time, but then I also realize no one can experience everything.
People who have never lost a child can imagine but can never intimately know what it is to lose a child - another powerful experience of our Virgin mother. Most people would be perfectly content to never experience this of course, but God has brought about some of the most incredible and important miracles through human suffering. I am reminded of how the Catholic Church considers Easter, and not Christmas, to be the most important day of the year. Of course, Easter couldn't have happened without Christmas, but Jesus' purpose would never have been brought to fulfillment without His death.
Perhaps I am still mourning Angelica's death because children come into the world in part at least, to change their parents, hopefully for the better- to help them learn how to give more, and be less selfish... and I am, selfishly, too tied up in my own sadness to allow her to fulfill her purpose in me...
When a baby lives, it's easier in some ways- you know where to direct your love, you get the satisfaction of seeing the fruit of your labor and your love and your sleepless nights in your baby's face. When your child dies, it's not as easy. It's unclear who you're supposed to care for, where you're supposed to direct all this built up energy and passion and love. I guess that's what I'm struggling with- I'm looking for a "new love" but maybe my calling right now is to recognize and appreciate the love I already have in my life. Not in the form of a newborn baby, but in the many other forms Christ comes to us- in my incredible, generous, supportive parents, my beautiful, thoughtful sisters, and my strong, patient husband. I'll leave you with the following quote by Edgar Allen Poe,
"Never to have suffered would never to have been blessed."
Friday, February 13, 2009
Love is Enough
I've said before that I feel like I am not asking that much of God and I don't understand why at least some prayers cannot be answered with a "yes"
Tonight, Juan Carlos and I were talking about how stupid and blind we as people are sometimes. We fall into the trap of never having enough. If we make $10/hour, we want $12, $12 we want $15. We want more money, more cars, more rights, more privileges, more opportunities, more children, better jobs, nicer houses... all so we can be "satisfied" - all of which will never satisfy us.
I know this in a logical way but I still disappoint myself constantly by falling into the same trap time and time again- comparing myself and wanting more and more...
It's good to have dreams and aspirations- I think God has put the desire to always improve our lives and our situations on our hearts for a reason, but I think we miss the "how" of the matter much of the time.
I think we forget that happiness is always with us- in the small things- in the people in our lives right now, not in people of the past or people we may have with us someday. We think that bettering our lives is the accumulation of our own wealth and false sense of security, rather than the betterment of society as a whole- we don't realize that competing with others or trying to "keep up" with others is keeping us farther from happiness than anything else.
My new aspiration? To be someone that people love to be around because I help them to feel good about themselves instead of finding people to be around who make me feel good about me. To be someone that brings more love and light into this world rather than more competition and selfishness. When I have negative thoughts about my body or the cards I've been dealt, I'll make sure I thank God twice instead because for all the things I would change, there sure are a lot of things I wouldn't.
Juan Carlos reminded me that some people are praying right now that they will have something to eat tomorrow. Not that they will eat something they like, that tastes good- just that they will eat something. There are people right now who eat tortillas with salt every day- EVERY DAY...not even beans or cheeze or salsa for some variation. Others are desperate for companionship or for better health.
Even if some of my dreams never come true, there are many that already have. I would never change my parents, my sisters or my husband for anything in the world. I have known love- what a beautiful, precious reality- what an incredible gift.
I heard a speaker at my university once say, "sometimes we wonder about our vocations... but ultimately we all have the same calling- the same calling as Christ- to pour ourselves out in love for others. That's all we really need to know."
Sometimes I don't think I have the strength I need to love like Christ, but then I think about the alternative- to struggle through life with the goals of the world as my aspiration and I think that, for me, trying to love- even if I struggle desperately along the way, is really the only logical option. Love is enough- it has to be enough, because it's clear that nothing else will ever be enough to satisfy...
Tonight, Juan Carlos and I were talking about how stupid and blind we as people are sometimes. We fall into the trap of never having enough. If we make $10/hour, we want $12, $12 we want $15. We want more money, more cars, more rights, more privileges, more opportunities, more children, better jobs, nicer houses... all so we can be "satisfied" - all of which will never satisfy us.
I know this in a logical way but I still disappoint myself constantly by falling into the same trap time and time again- comparing myself and wanting more and more...
It's good to have dreams and aspirations- I think God has put the desire to always improve our lives and our situations on our hearts for a reason, but I think we miss the "how" of the matter much of the time.
I think we forget that happiness is always with us- in the small things- in the people in our lives right now, not in people of the past or people we may have with us someday. We think that bettering our lives is the accumulation of our own wealth and false sense of security, rather than the betterment of society as a whole- we don't realize that competing with others or trying to "keep up" with others is keeping us farther from happiness than anything else.
My new aspiration? To be someone that people love to be around because I help them to feel good about themselves instead of finding people to be around who make me feel good about me. To be someone that brings more love and light into this world rather than more competition and selfishness. When I have negative thoughts about my body or the cards I've been dealt, I'll make sure I thank God twice instead because for all the things I would change, there sure are a lot of things I wouldn't.
Juan Carlos reminded me that some people are praying right now that they will have something to eat tomorrow. Not that they will eat something they like, that tastes good- just that they will eat something. There are people right now who eat tortillas with salt every day- EVERY DAY...not even beans or cheeze or salsa for some variation. Others are desperate for companionship or for better health.
Even if some of my dreams never come true, there are many that already have. I would never change my parents, my sisters or my husband for anything in the world. I have known love- what a beautiful, precious reality- what an incredible gift.
I heard a speaker at my university once say, "sometimes we wonder about our vocations... but ultimately we all have the same calling- the same calling as Christ- to pour ourselves out in love for others. That's all we really need to know."
Sometimes I don't think I have the strength I need to love like Christ, but then I think about the alternative- to struggle through life with the goals of the world as my aspiration and I think that, for me, trying to love- even if I struggle desperately along the way, is really the only logical option. Love is enough- it has to be enough, because it's clear that nothing else will ever be enough to satisfy...
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Human Resilience
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis
I have been struck lately by a phenomenon that I hadn't known so intimately before- that of people and what people are capable of coming through. As I have faced such deep suffering and loss in my own life, I have had to say goodbye to dream after dream- at least for now.
Dreams of visiting Mexico with my husband, of Juan Carlos having papers, of owning a home, and most devastating, dreams of having a child. I find myself more frustrated than I have ever felt in how many dreams God has called me to let go of. I'm not sure if it comes from a position of feeling entitled to certain things in life or that I feel I'm not asking for that much or the fact that I just keeping getting "no" for an answer.
I've talked about suffering before- suffering as we've experienced with the loss of our baby would have been unthinkable to me months ago- things that we tell ourselves can't happen because there's no good reason they should-not even "free will" or someone's bad decision can explain away a miscarriage. It's so tempting to live in despair, to give up hope, and assume the worst in some attempt to protect ourselves or distance ourselves from the incredible pain- it really seems unbearable.
I've been having a hard time lately and one night in desperation I said, "I just don't understand how God could let us suffer so much!! So many people NEVER have to face anything this hard!! Why us?!"
Juan Carlos looked at me seriously and said, "And some people have to face things much harder." He told me about a girl he saw on a TV program who was 12 years old but had a sickness in which she aged too quickly, so physically she was 91. He said she never complained and she just made it her mission in life to remind people not to take their lives for granted, not to complain, and to always be grateful for their blessings.
I hate that I need stories like that sometimes to put things into perspective, but I do and it did help me to think differently about my own attitude and also about people in general.
I had a friend in college who was telling me about how she was fascinated by "human resilience" and could study it forever. I appreciate the concept so much more now than I ever did then. We always seem to hear the stories of people who are abused hurting others or the cycles of violence and how vulnerable people are to their environments (their teachers, the TV, their parents) and all the ways we can "mess each other up".
But there's another side of the story- the people that move through suffering, that improve their lives in spite of or even because of what happens to them. I think that sometimes we don't give people the credit they deserve for being able to get through hard stuff. People are amazing and there are some incredible testimonies of difficulties, illnesses, challenges that people have faced and become better for.
The quote at the top of this entry struck me when I came across it today, as I often feel that I can trust God deep down. I really do believe someday I may be able to look back on this time with more perspective, possibly even with a sense of peace and gratitude. But in the meantime, I find myself pleading with God to not make me face all these broken dreams and all this suffering anymore. I just want it to stop hurting... to stop being so painful. Yet ultimately, I know what will be will be (lo que sera sera) and all I can do is try to be open to being changed for the better through whatever lies ahead.
I have been struck lately by a phenomenon that I hadn't known so intimately before- that of people and what people are capable of coming through. As I have faced such deep suffering and loss in my own life, I have had to say goodbye to dream after dream- at least for now.
Dreams of visiting Mexico with my husband, of Juan Carlos having papers, of owning a home, and most devastating, dreams of having a child. I find myself more frustrated than I have ever felt in how many dreams God has called me to let go of. I'm not sure if it comes from a position of feeling entitled to certain things in life or that I feel I'm not asking for that much or the fact that I just keeping getting "no" for an answer.
I've talked about suffering before- suffering as we've experienced with the loss of our baby would have been unthinkable to me months ago- things that we tell ourselves can't happen because there's no good reason they should-not even "free will" or someone's bad decision can explain away a miscarriage. It's so tempting to live in despair, to give up hope, and assume the worst in some attempt to protect ourselves or distance ourselves from the incredible pain- it really seems unbearable.
I've been having a hard time lately and one night in desperation I said, "I just don't understand how God could let us suffer so much!! So many people NEVER have to face anything this hard!! Why us?!"
Juan Carlos looked at me seriously and said, "And some people have to face things much harder." He told me about a girl he saw on a TV program who was 12 years old but had a sickness in which she aged too quickly, so physically she was 91. He said she never complained and she just made it her mission in life to remind people not to take their lives for granted, not to complain, and to always be grateful for their blessings.
I hate that I need stories like that sometimes to put things into perspective, but I do and it did help me to think differently about my own attitude and also about people in general.
I had a friend in college who was telling me about how she was fascinated by "human resilience" and could study it forever. I appreciate the concept so much more now than I ever did then. We always seem to hear the stories of people who are abused hurting others or the cycles of violence and how vulnerable people are to their environments (their teachers, the TV, their parents) and all the ways we can "mess each other up".
But there's another side of the story- the people that move through suffering, that improve their lives in spite of or even because of what happens to them. I think that sometimes we don't give people the credit they deserve for being able to get through hard stuff. People are amazing and there are some incredible testimonies of difficulties, illnesses, challenges that people have faced and become better for.
The quote at the top of this entry struck me when I came across it today, as I often feel that I can trust God deep down. I really do believe someday I may be able to look back on this time with more perspective, possibly even with a sense of peace and gratitude. But in the meantime, I find myself pleading with God to not make me face all these broken dreams and all this suffering anymore. I just want it to stop hurting... to stop being so painful. Yet ultimately, I know what will be will be (lo que sera sera) and all I can do is try to be open to being changed for the better through whatever lies ahead.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Back on the hill
As many of you know, I have travelled back to a place close to my heart, the School for International Training (now SIT Graduate Institute) in Brattleboro, Vermont. I am here for one week to present my capstone and listen to and engage in the capstone presentations of 6 of my peers. I am a PIM66 (from 2006-2007). Here with me are two PIM 64s, two PIM 65s, one other PIM 66 and one PIM67, so we span several "on campus" years here at SIT.
Being back "on the hill" has been kind of surreal in many ways. Part of me feels like it was another world and another life being here and coming back reminds me that life and learning has gone on here while I've been away, just as life continued for me back in Lacey, where I live now. It's especially strange being here without all the same people. The campus for me wasn't just campus, but a place that relationships grew and formed, that discussions took place, films were shown- a place that holds so many memories for me. I half-expected people to come out of the woodwork- to walk out of Bolton or Rotch and to be able to say hi and catch up on the last couple years... I had to remind myself again and again it's not the same and those people aren't here.
We read our admissions essays from when we first applied to SIT today and that was really interesting too. I had no recollection of what I had written, but as I was reading, I realized that many of the same ideas, thoughts and experiences that resonated with me then continue to resonate with me now- ideas about getting to the deeper issues that link us rather than separate us, about appreciating different viewpoints and letting others challenge you, about growing and resisting and growing more. I wrote about Juan Carlos and what an impact he's had on my life and I concluded talking about how committed I am to making SIT's investment in me worth the time and energy.
It's a good reminder of why I ever pursued this degree in the first place. Sure there were practical reasons for having a Masters- hopefully the ability to have more options for where to work, to be more flexible, and to have better pay. Sometimes when talking to JC's family or coworkers, though, I feel like there is so much emphasis put on pay and position, when the reason I value education so much is not even really about that. My education at UP, Western, abroad and at SIT has changed me. It's made me think differently about myself and about others. It's given me tools to understand, to adapt, to appreciate- my educational experiences go even beyond professional development for my "field" into "life lessons" about friendships, sacrifices, generosity, courage...and sometimes these "inner lessons" or "strengths" are hard for me to appreciate because they don't surface the same way as a pay raise or a diploma or a promotion. These personal characteristics and times of growth often go unnoticed and unacknowledged because even though people may notice something about you, they can't express what it is...
On Christmas, I was feeling so sad about not having a child with us anymore to hold or even to look forward to holding. Juan Carlos came to talk to me and he said, "Janelle, you are far too precious a woman to feel unworthy or like you are less than others just because of whether or not you have a child. I married you for you- for your thoughts and your beauty and your intelligence and for who you are, not because you were pregnant, not because a child was in the picture. I love YOU and you are an incredible person." I am lucky to have a husband who says these things, but I don't say it here to make myself sound amazing.
Rather, I say it because I often don't give myself credit for who I am or what I've come through- for the "baby steps" as my boss would put it. I've always tried to be humble and it is strange for me to feel "proud" Usually, when I start to feel proud, I find some way to put myself down so I won't seem arrogant. But there are times that a person can and should look back and feel good about what they've come through, what they've accomplished, what they've learned. If we wait to "arrive" before looking back, we may never get there. We have to take small steps to becoming who we want to be sometimes or accomplishing our goals and sometimes, when no one else is there to give us credit, we have to be proud of ourselves.
So, this week, "back on the hill" I want to take time to look back on the past couple years, to think about the times I went too fast, the times I worried when opportunity was right around the corner, the times that I thought I would never make it through but I came out on the other side. I want to take some time to value the time I've had and how I've spent it, not necessarily crossing things off of my ongoing list of "things to accomplish in this life" but thinking about and treasuring the times we live though, the moments and experiences that become the true fabric of who we are and that ultimately carry us through our lives.
Being back "on the hill" has been kind of surreal in many ways. Part of me feels like it was another world and another life being here and coming back reminds me that life and learning has gone on here while I've been away, just as life continued for me back in Lacey, where I live now. It's especially strange being here without all the same people. The campus for me wasn't just campus, but a place that relationships grew and formed, that discussions took place, films were shown- a place that holds so many memories for me. I half-expected people to come out of the woodwork- to walk out of Bolton or Rotch and to be able to say hi and catch up on the last couple years... I had to remind myself again and again it's not the same and those people aren't here.
We read our admissions essays from when we first applied to SIT today and that was really interesting too. I had no recollection of what I had written, but as I was reading, I realized that many of the same ideas, thoughts and experiences that resonated with me then continue to resonate with me now- ideas about getting to the deeper issues that link us rather than separate us, about appreciating different viewpoints and letting others challenge you, about growing and resisting and growing more. I wrote about Juan Carlos and what an impact he's had on my life and I concluded talking about how committed I am to making SIT's investment in me worth the time and energy.
It's a good reminder of why I ever pursued this degree in the first place. Sure there were practical reasons for having a Masters- hopefully the ability to have more options for where to work, to be more flexible, and to have better pay. Sometimes when talking to JC's family or coworkers, though, I feel like there is so much emphasis put on pay and position, when the reason I value education so much is not even really about that. My education at UP, Western, abroad and at SIT has changed me. It's made me think differently about myself and about others. It's given me tools to understand, to adapt, to appreciate- my educational experiences go even beyond professional development for my "field" into "life lessons" about friendships, sacrifices, generosity, courage...and sometimes these "inner lessons" or "strengths" are hard for me to appreciate because they don't surface the same way as a pay raise or a diploma or a promotion. These personal characteristics and times of growth often go unnoticed and unacknowledged because even though people may notice something about you, they can't express what it is...
On Christmas, I was feeling so sad about not having a child with us anymore to hold or even to look forward to holding. Juan Carlos came to talk to me and he said, "Janelle, you are far too precious a woman to feel unworthy or like you are less than others just because of whether or not you have a child. I married you for you- for your thoughts and your beauty and your intelligence and for who you are, not because you were pregnant, not because a child was in the picture. I love YOU and you are an incredible person." I am lucky to have a husband who says these things, but I don't say it here to make myself sound amazing.
Rather, I say it because I often don't give myself credit for who I am or what I've come through- for the "baby steps" as my boss would put it. I've always tried to be humble and it is strange for me to feel "proud" Usually, when I start to feel proud, I find some way to put myself down so I won't seem arrogant. But there are times that a person can and should look back and feel good about what they've come through, what they've accomplished, what they've learned. If we wait to "arrive" before looking back, we may never get there. We have to take small steps to becoming who we want to be sometimes or accomplishing our goals and sometimes, when no one else is there to give us credit, we have to be proud of ourselves.
So, this week, "back on the hill" I want to take time to look back on the past couple years, to think about the times I went too fast, the times I worried when opportunity was right around the corner, the times that I thought I would never make it through but I came out on the other side. I want to take some time to value the time I've had and how I've spent it, not necessarily crossing things off of my ongoing list of "things to accomplish in this life" but thinking about and treasuring the times we live though, the moments and experiences that become the true fabric of who we are and that ultimately carry us through our lives.
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