The privilege of having vision

So, I apparently overstepped my bounds once again today in an email inviting the office and some other colleagues to hear about what I did for my capstone because I "did not follow proper protocol" in deciding to do a presentation and honestly, maybe I did not. Maybe I should have met with my boss and gone over my paper in painstaking detail and let her change my words around to things I didn't mean and take the heart out of everything I was trying to say and then met with the teachers and then the staff and then the group of people my boss would deem appropriate to meet with next before ever presenting my raw ideas.

But can I just express how frustrating this is? Why do I have to talk to my supervisor to talk to someone else's supervisor to talk to them instead of just going over to their office and talking to them myself? Why can't I just present my ideas as what they are- MY IDEAS and hear what people have to say about them?

I guess a part of me knew she would probably want to call my whole presentation off but a part of me wanted to risk it, because a part of me hates that all my ideas have to go through "policy and procedure" and never actually get tried out because by the time it's all said and done, they are not even my ideas anymore.

And it's not that I don't want to be collaborative. That was the intent behind the entire thing was to put some of my ideas out on the table as a starting place and then get everyone else's input. I was willing to have a group of people tear my ideas apart and start from scratch, but I am just sick and tired of always being shut down by the one person I cannot get past- my supervisor.

Having the experience over and over again of passion and vision and just being told again and again that no, we won't try that, no, we can't do that, has just made me realize what a privilege it is to dream and have vision that actually gets somewhere that it can go somewhere. I love to look at a program and analyze it and see what could be better, how it fits into the whole organizational structure, how it could better fulfill its purpose, but every time I try to put something out there, I find that I used the wrong media, spoke at the wrong time, used the wrong words, had the wrong idea. Why? Why is everything "wrong" and "right" instead of different? Why am I not seen as having a "different" approach to things rather than a "wrong" one?

Juan Carlos tells me I want to run before I walk- that I'm too anxious to move up and be in a place of authority, with the privilege of being heard. But I just can't see myself being happy here, with so little autonomy, so little actual say and control to CHANGE anything! If only I could follow in the footsteps of my predecessors and not make waves and just type away my 40 hours a week, making sure class schedules and classrooms were all in order and call it good, but the bigger picture pulls at me, as helpless as I am to do anything about it.