Back on the hill

As many of you know, I have travelled back to a place close to my heart, the School for International Training (now SIT Graduate Institute) in Brattleboro, Vermont. I am here for one week to present my capstone and listen to and engage in the capstone presentations of 6 of my peers. I am a PIM66 (from 2006-2007). Here with me are two PIM 64s, two PIM 65s, one other PIM 66 and one PIM67, so we span several "on campus" years here at SIT.

Being back "on the hill" has been kind of surreal in many ways. Part of me feels like it was another world and another life being here and coming back reminds me that life and learning has gone on here while I've been away, just as life continued for me back in Lacey, where I live now. It's especially strange being here without all the same people. The campus for me wasn't just campus, but a place that relationships grew and formed, that discussions took place, films were shown- a place that holds so many memories for me. I half-expected people to come out of the woodwork- to walk out of Bolton or Rotch and to be able to say hi and catch up on the last couple years... I had to remind myself again and again it's not the same and those people aren't here.

We read our admissions essays from when we first applied to SIT today and that was really interesting too. I had no recollection of what I had written, but as I was reading, I realized that many of the same ideas, thoughts and experiences that resonated with me then continue to resonate with me now- ideas about getting to the deeper issues that link us rather than separate us, about appreciating different viewpoints and letting others challenge you, about growing and resisting and growing more. I wrote about Juan Carlos and what an impact he's had on my life and I concluded talking about how committed I am to making SIT's investment in me worth the time and energy.

It's a good reminder of why I ever pursued this degree in the first place. Sure there were practical reasons for having a Masters- hopefully the ability to have more options for where to work, to be more flexible, and to have better pay. Sometimes when talking to JC's family or coworkers, though, I feel like there is so much emphasis put on pay and position, when the reason I value education so much is not even really about that. My education at UP, Western, abroad and at SIT has changed me. It's made me think differently about myself and about others. It's given me tools to understand, to adapt, to appreciate- my educational experiences go even beyond professional development for my "field" into "life lessons" about friendships, sacrifices, generosity, courage...and sometimes these "inner lessons" or "strengths" are hard for me to appreciate because they don't surface the same way as a pay raise or a diploma or a promotion. These personal characteristics and times of growth often go unnoticed and unacknowledged because even though people may notice something about you, they can't express what it is...

On Christmas, I was feeling so sad about not having a child with us anymore to hold or even to look forward to holding. Juan Carlos came to talk to me and he said, "Janelle, you are far too precious a woman to feel unworthy or like you are less than others just because of whether or not you have a child. I married you for you- for your thoughts and your beauty and your intelligence and for who you are, not because you were pregnant, not because a child was in the picture. I love YOU and you are an incredible person." I am lucky to have a husband who says these things, but I don't say it here to make myself sound amazing.

Rather, I say it because I often don't give myself credit for who I am or what I've come through- for the "baby steps" as my boss would put it. I've always tried to be humble and it is strange for me to feel "proud" Usually, when I start to feel proud, I find some way to put myself down so I won't seem arrogant. But there are times that a person can and should look back and feel good about what they've come through, what they've accomplished, what they've learned. If we wait to "arrive" before looking back, we may never get there. We have to take small steps to becoming who we want to be sometimes or accomplishing our goals and sometimes, when no one else is there to give us credit, we have to be proud of ourselves.

So, this week, "back on the hill" I want to take time to look back on the past couple years, to think about the times I went too fast, the times I worried when opportunity was right around the corner, the times that I thought I would never make it through but I came out on the other side. I want to take some time to value the time I've had and how I've spent it, not necessarily crossing things off of my ongoing list of "things to accomplish in this life" but thinking about and treasuring the times we live though, the moments and experiences that become the true fabric of who we are and that ultimately carry us through our lives.