I've been thinking lately about how the unanticipated or unwanted loss of unborn children reaffirms the value of life and the dignity of life at all stages. You may be wondering how exactly death reaffirms life. It's easy to see how the value of life is affirmed in the birth of babies, in glowing women expecting a child any day, in families enjoying life together... it's harder to see in loss.
But I can't help but think of how God uses a trial as difficult as losing a baby to show others the importance of life as well. I went to a couple support groups after losing Angelica and it really struck me how many people mourned their children as if they were just that- their children! Real babies and real lives waiting to enter the world - children awaiting a loving family and a life of hope. What a testament to life to talk of our unborn children and recognize their true existence and our true parenthood, even before seeing their beautiful faces or holding them in our arms. And I began to wonder- would our conversation seem foreign to "pro-choice" parents? Would they understand our grief? If so, does it seem strange to them that what was a very real "life" to us could be seen as a "non-life" to someone else?
Is it possible to come to terms with the idea that two babies of exactly the same age can have inherent dignity and value or not have that depending on their parent? I can think of examples of times when the value of human lives was left up for debate depending on who the players were (colonists and Native Americans, Nazis and the Jewish, the Hutus and the Tutsis). Somehow, though, it seems that we generally tend to look back on these times in history with shame and guilt, recognizing the utter lies perpetuating our ability to dehumanize people based on race or religion or language.
To many, wishing Juan Carlos a happy father's day or bringing Angelica into conversations may seem like a crazy, unnecessary reminder of one of the most painful experiences of our lives (not to mention uncomfortable for anyone else in the room at the time). But, to me, recognizing our parenthood and Angelica's life is a way of affirming the fact that we believe life begins from conception. If Angelica was not even a real "life" yet, than we wouldn't have much to cry about... but we do. I don't go around work posting flyers or proclaiming the fact we lost our child since it is not my intention to bring attention upon myself, but I am trying to catch myself when I say "I wish I could be a mother" or "I may never have a baby" because based on what I believe, I am a mother and I do have a baby- she's just not with me here.
Calling myself a mother may be controversial to some, since I have not put in the sacrifice of staying up long hours and changing dirty diapers and disciplining and teaching and balancing "family life" with other obligations, but I would only consider my sacrifice different- not necessarily less. There are many reasons I would rather have sleepless nights and dirty diapers in exchange for having my baby with me, but for reasons beyond my understanding right now, my sacrifice, my cross, was giving my precious child up completely.
Facing challenges to conceive again can also reffirm the pro-life movement, since so many people and couples are waiting with open arms to welcome a child into their home. I am one of them- I would more than happily adopt a baby without a second thought to the fact the child didn't come from our own genetic line. Yet, so many women who feel "unready" for one reason or another to give birth choose abortion instead, leaving longing couples empty handed and healthy children lifeless. It is truly tragic. I know the thought of having a child you give birth to out in the world and not knowing what becomes of him or her is uncomfortable, maybe even painful at times. It must be incredibly difficult to give a child up for adoption. But isn't it worth it to know there is a life in the world that wouldn't be there otherwise? And there are parents that may not be parents otherwise? True love is hard, but it is so so beautiful.
Since I was a little girl, I have always been an advocate for life and recent experiences have only strengthened my convictions. I think language goes a long way to shape our feelings and beliefs about people and so, if you believe as I do, that life begins from conception, I would encourage you also to examine your own language and see if it reflects that belief. How do you refer to the unborn or to children lost from the womb, whether they're your own or someone else's? How does your reaction to death reaffirm the value of one's life, however small? We have such an opportunity to use the sad and difficult experiences in our lives, as well as the joyful ones, to bring honor and respect to that which is truly important.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
When God speaks
I think it's clear from my posts in recent weeks and months that I am struggling with patience and struggling with waiting. It's almost harder for me to wait to know the end than to know it's the worst case scenario and begin the process of acceptance- how I sympathize with families that have loved ones "missing" or are waiting on test results or waiting for anything. You want to hold onto hope and be optimistic and yet, you also don't want to give yourself false hope and set yourself up for disappointment.
Is faith believing it will go your way? Is faith believing whatever happens will be God's will? Is faith believing that whatever happens, God will be there and somehow, even in the worst of circumstances, you'll find peace?
I've been reading a book called "The Shack"- a man takes his kids camping and while saving the life of one child, leaves his daughter unattended for a couple minutes, during which time she is kidnapped and killed. Two years later, he receives a note from God and gets to meet and talk to God "face to face" God, of course, must take "human" form to interact with the main character and the core messages of the story unfold.
The book has made me think a bit about talking to God and listening to God and looking for God. Sometimes I wish God would speak louder, give some encouragement, help me know what the heck I'm supposed to be getting out of all these medical scares, all this waiting? Why does it have to be so difficult, take so long? We were all geared up to have a baby in March and now, two months later, when we should be sleep-deprived, never wanting to see another dirty diaper, and overwhelmed with love and gratitude, we are still waiting. I feel like we're stuck in a traffic jam, two hours late and instead of eventually starting to move, day after day passes and we are in a standstill, not sure how far away our final destination even is. We can't get out and walk- we're locked in, stuck, longing, desperate... It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in terms of a frustrating, ongoing, hopeless kind of process. Losing Angelica was incredibly hard and the pain will never fully go away, but at least we knew what we had to accept and with that acceptance, ultimately, came peace. Here, in this place, I just want an answer.
Then, today, I read this on a link from Cheri's blog entitled: "The boy who saved us"
The entry started with details of how much the couple is enjoying their new baby and my heart and head filled with envy, judgement and selfish desire that I, too, could know what it's like and how they would never understand how incredibly sad it is for the baby you pray for to never arrive. Under an embedded movie clip of their son, I read:
Rebecca and I look back at the now seemingly short 5 years of infertility that began our marriage; the days of waiting and longing for a life to share our life with, of the periods when literally everyone we knew was pregnant, or holding a little one in their arms. Our days of seeking help, of discovering adoption at the embryonic level, of Snowflakes, of more sorrows, of miscarriages and then moments with our little Gracie, so sweet and so sad and so short-lived. We were in the Barren Desert, again and again. We were trying hard not to grasp at children as if they were a right. We still hold fast to the truth that all life is a gift, and the timing is in God's time.
That time is now! Now this most unexpected gift of our son has come! And the years dissipate like thin wisps of mourning mist. And the years of "just us" (which in itself was so full and so rich) has only served to heighten our senses and sensitivities to this Small Wonder of a Boy. Every smile, every giggle, every tear, every thing is a grace. So God surely knows and knew what He was doing. We just had to wait it out, and will again in some new form down the road, I'm sure. I just hope we remember the simple truth that "good things come to those who wait."
And that, my friends, is the understatement of the year!
Sometimes God whispers, sometimes God sends notes, and sometimes God shows you truth through other people. I felt that God spoke to me today, through this story...
Lord, help me to trust You again. I've trusted before and felt betrayed. I worry that Your will, Your way, Your time will force me to go through more pain, that I just don't feel I have the strength to face anymore. Please renew my faith that You want the best for me and for all Your children- that You are capable and willing to intervene on our behalf- that You really do carry us during the most difficult times in our lives, times of facing difficult truths, and times of waiting. Help me to believe in myself too- Help me to truly believe you created me with the capacity to be a much stronger, more resilient woman than I feel I can be lately.
Good Saint Anne, Mother Mary, and my precious Baby Angelica- pray for me.
Is faith believing it will go your way? Is faith believing whatever happens will be God's will? Is faith believing that whatever happens, God will be there and somehow, even in the worst of circumstances, you'll find peace?
I've been reading a book called "The Shack"- a man takes his kids camping and while saving the life of one child, leaves his daughter unattended for a couple minutes, during which time she is kidnapped and killed. Two years later, he receives a note from God and gets to meet and talk to God "face to face" God, of course, must take "human" form to interact with the main character and the core messages of the story unfold.
The book has made me think a bit about talking to God and listening to God and looking for God. Sometimes I wish God would speak louder, give some encouragement, help me know what the heck I'm supposed to be getting out of all these medical scares, all this waiting? Why does it have to be so difficult, take so long? We were all geared up to have a baby in March and now, two months later, when we should be sleep-deprived, never wanting to see another dirty diaper, and overwhelmed with love and gratitude, we are still waiting. I feel like we're stuck in a traffic jam, two hours late and instead of eventually starting to move, day after day passes and we are in a standstill, not sure how far away our final destination even is. We can't get out and walk- we're locked in, stuck, longing, desperate... It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in terms of a frustrating, ongoing, hopeless kind of process. Losing Angelica was incredibly hard and the pain will never fully go away, but at least we knew what we had to accept and with that acceptance, ultimately, came peace. Here, in this place, I just want an answer.
Then, today, I read this on a link from Cheri's blog entitled: "The boy who saved us"
The entry started with details of how much the couple is enjoying their new baby and my heart and head filled with envy, judgement and selfish desire that I, too, could know what it's like and how they would never understand how incredibly sad it is for the baby you pray for to never arrive. Under an embedded movie clip of their son, I read:
Rebecca and I look back at the now seemingly short 5 years of infertility that began our marriage; the days of waiting and longing for a life to share our life with, of the periods when literally everyone we knew was pregnant, or holding a little one in their arms. Our days of seeking help, of discovering adoption at the embryonic level, of Snowflakes, of more sorrows, of miscarriages and then moments with our little Gracie, so sweet and so sad and so short-lived. We were in the Barren Desert, again and again. We were trying hard not to grasp at children as if they were a right. We still hold fast to the truth that all life is a gift, and the timing is in God's time.
That time is now! Now this most unexpected gift of our son has come! And the years dissipate like thin wisps of mourning mist. And the years of "just us" (which in itself was so full and so rich) has only served to heighten our senses and sensitivities to this Small Wonder of a Boy. Every smile, every giggle, every tear, every thing is a grace. So God surely knows and knew what He was doing. We just had to wait it out, and will again in some new form down the road, I'm sure. I just hope we remember the simple truth that "good things come to those who wait."
And that, my friends, is the understatement of the year!
Sometimes God whispers, sometimes God sends notes, and sometimes God shows you truth through other people. I felt that God spoke to me today, through this story...
Lord, help me to trust You again. I've trusted before and felt betrayed. I worry that Your will, Your way, Your time will force me to go through more pain, that I just don't feel I have the strength to face anymore. Please renew my faith that You want the best for me and for all Your children- that You are capable and willing to intervene on our behalf- that You really do carry us during the most difficult times in our lives, times of facing difficult truths, and times of waiting. Help me to believe in myself too- Help me to truly believe you created me with the capacity to be a much stronger, more resilient woman than I feel I can be lately.
Good Saint Anne, Mother Mary, and my precious Baby Angelica- pray for me.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Steps toward leadership
"He that cannot obey cannot command."- Benjamin Franklin
As I've been looking into the future, I'm careful not to let myself stand still in "waiting" - I feel that if in the future I look back on this time in my life and see it as idle, just waiting for something to move myself forward, I will really regret it. However, I'm not sure what to push myself with or where to move myself at the moment.
If I were expecting a child, I would focus on that and preparing myself and my family for a "new addition." I can't very well be in a place of "expecting to expect" and do much with it, so my thoughts have turned to other things- other potential "preparations".
Now that I have "another chance" to prepare us for children and just to reflect on my work and life and where I'm going, I've taken to dreaming up a whole variety of different paths for myself- everything from law school, to teaching certification, to doctoral programs. I realize it may seem like a crazy time to think about making changes when we're trying to have children, but then again, it seems crazy to me to just put all other aspects of life on hold for something that may not happen, or may not happen for a very long time. I think being excited and feeling passionate about what I'm doing and where I'm going again will also take off a lot of the stress and pressure around getting pregnant again, which probably isn't helping anything.
One thing I have realized, though, in all my talks with people about future paths is that being a leader is not about being in the spotlight, especially not right away. Being a leader really has very little to do with my own agenda, doing what I want, implementing my own ideas and getting credit for it. Unlike other things I've been involved in, like theater and my own higher education, leadership is not about me doing what I want or me showing what I am capable of. Working my way into a position where I can have the kind of voice and ability to influence policies and programs the way I dream is essentially going to involve a whole lot of what Alanna would call "humble pie."
The best example I can think of who led the way I feel I am going to have to lead to get there is Christ. Looking back, He was a superstar, but we have to remember that at the time, He was not. He was controversial, intriguing, ultimately brought on a lot of attention, but in the stories I remember, He never sought out the limelight. He did not seek glory and attention and popularity, but rather He sought to serve, to help others find the best in themselves, to share the truth- no more and no less.
I think about what keeps me distanced from my supervisor and so often it is my own pride. I say I resent that she takes my ideas as hers, that she is so quick to reject ideas and projects and plans I worked so hard on and thought so much about, that she leaves me without any direction one second and micromanages the next, that she cannot eloquently explain purposes for certain programs or write clear policies, that she says things she doesn't mean, refuses to give annual evaluations, and doesn't understand the role of "costs" in projecting a budget's true "revenue."
There is a lot I blame her for- a lot of ways I can justify my lack of respect for her as my supervisor, but like with anything, it is a two way street. I can turn all of my criticism back on myself. In a few words from my father and my aunt:
"Your job is to make your boss look good."
"Is it more important that it's your idea or is it more important that it happens?"
These are the words of the wise that make my naive, idealistic world crumble on top of itself. If "my job" is not to make myself look good, my next question is "when is it my turn to be the boss?" When do I get to be the one that everyone else works so hard for? When do I get to make the decisions and get the credit?"
There I go again with my pride. I call it "fairness." It is not fair- it is not just for someone to take credit for an idea that is not theirs. It is not ethical- it is not right for someone to treat you worse because you are female or young or shut you down because you're energetic and passionate.
And the reality is, it's probably not- it's not fair and it's not right. So many situations I've come across here have made me want to run the other way and throw myself out of the 4th floor window to escape the ugliness and ridiculousness of it all. But I realize that flourishing rose gardens don't need new seeds. I can't change the way people treat me or respond to my efforts. I can only control my attitude and the way I respond to them.
And my lesson is that most of the time in my life right now, I need to respond with a lot more humility. I need to realize that, although I know a lot, I still have much much more left to learn. Today, I am not the boss, but today I can get one step closer by learning how to be a good employee- I can do something to earn my supervisor's trust, I can do something to show her respect, and I can do something to learn from her.
Sometimes being the "main part" is a lot easier than playing the "supporting role", but as anyone in theatre knows, those "supporting roles" can make or break the performance. Sometimes important work goes unrecognized by most people, but, as my aunt pointed out, "God knows who does what and, ultimately, most people do too..."
So, here's to taking one more step towards leadership by taking one more step towards servanthood.
As I've been looking into the future, I'm careful not to let myself stand still in "waiting" - I feel that if in the future I look back on this time in my life and see it as idle, just waiting for something to move myself forward, I will really regret it. However, I'm not sure what to push myself with or where to move myself at the moment.
If I were expecting a child, I would focus on that and preparing myself and my family for a "new addition." I can't very well be in a place of "expecting to expect" and do much with it, so my thoughts have turned to other things- other potential "preparations".
Now that I have "another chance" to prepare us for children and just to reflect on my work and life and where I'm going, I've taken to dreaming up a whole variety of different paths for myself- everything from law school, to teaching certification, to doctoral programs. I realize it may seem like a crazy time to think about making changes when we're trying to have children, but then again, it seems crazy to me to just put all other aspects of life on hold for something that may not happen, or may not happen for a very long time. I think being excited and feeling passionate about what I'm doing and where I'm going again will also take off a lot of the stress and pressure around getting pregnant again, which probably isn't helping anything.
One thing I have realized, though, in all my talks with people about future paths is that being a leader is not about being in the spotlight, especially not right away. Being a leader really has very little to do with my own agenda, doing what I want, implementing my own ideas and getting credit for it. Unlike other things I've been involved in, like theater and my own higher education, leadership is not about me doing what I want or me showing what I am capable of. Working my way into a position where I can have the kind of voice and ability to influence policies and programs the way I dream is essentially going to involve a whole lot of what Alanna would call "humble pie."
The best example I can think of who led the way I feel I am going to have to lead to get there is Christ. Looking back, He was a superstar, but we have to remember that at the time, He was not. He was controversial, intriguing, ultimately brought on a lot of attention, but in the stories I remember, He never sought out the limelight. He did not seek glory and attention and popularity, but rather He sought to serve, to help others find the best in themselves, to share the truth- no more and no less.
I think about what keeps me distanced from my supervisor and so often it is my own pride. I say I resent that she takes my ideas as hers, that she is so quick to reject ideas and projects and plans I worked so hard on and thought so much about, that she leaves me without any direction one second and micromanages the next, that she cannot eloquently explain purposes for certain programs or write clear policies, that she says things she doesn't mean, refuses to give annual evaluations, and doesn't understand the role of "costs" in projecting a budget's true "revenue."
There is a lot I blame her for- a lot of ways I can justify my lack of respect for her as my supervisor, but like with anything, it is a two way street. I can turn all of my criticism back on myself. In a few words from my father and my aunt:
"Your job is to make your boss look good."
"Is it more important that it's your idea or is it more important that it happens?"
These are the words of the wise that make my naive, idealistic world crumble on top of itself. If "my job" is not to make myself look good, my next question is "when is it my turn to be the boss?" When do I get to be the one that everyone else works so hard for? When do I get to make the decisions and get the credit?"
There I go again with my pride. I call it "fairness." It is not fair- it is not just for someone to take credit for an idea that is not theirs. It is not ethical- it is not right for someone to treat you worse because you are female or young or shut you down because you're energetic and passionate.
And the reality is, it's probably not- it's not fair and it's not right. So many situations I've come across here have made me want to run the other way and throw myself out of the 4th floor window to escape the ugliness and ridiculousness of it all. But I realize that flourishing rose gardens don't need new seeds. I can't change the way people treat me or respond to my efforts. I can only control my attitude and the way I respond to them.
And my lesson is that most of the time in my life right now, I need to respond with a lot more humility. I need to realize that, although I know a lot, I still have much much more left to learn. Today, I am not the boss, but today I can get one step closer by learning how to be a good employee- I can do something to earn my supervisor's trust, I can do something to show her respect, and I can do something to learn from her.
Sometimes being the "main part" is a lot easier than playing the "supporting role", but as anyone in theatre knows, those "supporting roles" can make or break the performance. Sometimes important work goes unrecognized by most people, but, as my aunt pointed out, "God knows who does what and, ultimately, most people do too..."
So, here's to taking one more step towards leadership by taking one more step towards servanthood.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Eight Things
Anna tagged me so here it goes...
Eight things I'm looking forward to:
1) Being pregnant again and being able to give birth and watch my children grow, God willing
2) Going to Mexico with Juan Carlos and visiting his hometown
3) Juan Carlos and I being able to live and work in the US legally together
4) Having land and a farm (I want chickens, roosters, and horses, at least)
5) Owning our own business
6) Summer Barbeques, volleyball and soccer games and rodeos!
7) Having a (or a couple) housewarming parties in our new home
8) Seeing my sisters again
Eight things I did yesterday:
1) Talked about why the middle school aged boys from Hainan, China decided to relieve themselves on the floor instead of in the toilet and whether making them clean the bathrooms was an effective consequence
2) Talked about new job opportunities with a co-worker
3) Spent more time than I prefer with SEVIS issuing documents for new students coming in the summer and fall
4) Found out there aren't enough freshmen this fall for me to be able to teach a section of freshman year seminar, which I was really looking forward to
5) Had a meeting about the Latino Youth Summit scheduled to take place at Saint Martin's in October
6) Had a BBQ - we made carne asada with some of Juan Carlos's family and drank corona and pina coladas
7) Had a misunderstanding with Juan Carlos and then we made up
8) Ate flan and had a hot cup of decaf coffee before going to bed at 10:30pm
Eight things I wish I could do:
1) Sing really well
2) Hold Angelica
3) Learn languages easily
4) Travel with Juan Carlos outside of the country/spend a year in service somewhere
5) Enjoy exercising
6) Have peace about where I am and not worry about the future
7) Talk "face to face" with God
8) Gain wisdom without having to make so many mistakes first
Eight TV shows I watch:
Well, there's really only one I watch regularly...
1) Our favorite novela: "Manana es para siempre" (Tomorrow is forever)
Eight things I'm looking forward to:
1) Being pregnant again and being able to give birth and watch my children grow, God willing
2) Going to Mexico with Juan Carlos and visiting his hometown
3) Juan Carlos and I being able to live and work in the US legally together
4) Having land and a farm (I want chickens, roosters, and horses, at least)
5) Owning our own business
6) Summer Barbeques, volleyball and soccer games and rodeos!
7) Having a (or a couple) housewarming parties in our new home
8) Seeing my sisters again
Eight things I did yesterday:
1) Talked about why the middle school aged boys from Hainan, China decided to relieve themselves on the floor instead of in the toilet and whether making them clean the bathrooms was an effective consequence
2) Talked about new job opportunities with a co-worker
3) Spent more time than I prefer with SEVIS issuing documents for new students coming in the summer and fall
4) Found out there aren't enough freshmen this fall for me to be able to teach a section of freshman year seminar, which I was really looking forward to
5) Had a meeting about the Latino Youth Summit scheduled to take place at Saint Martin's in October
6) Had a BBQ - we made carne asada with some of Juan Carlos's family and drank corona and pina coladas
7) Had a misunderstanding with Juan Carlos and then we made up
8) Ate flan and had a hot cup of decaf coffee before going to bed at 10:30pm
Eight things I wish I could do:
1) Sing really well
2) Hold Angelica
3) Learn languages easily
4) Travel with Juan Carlos outside of the country/spend a year in service somewhere
5) Enjoy exercising
6) Have peace about where I am and not worry about the future
7) Talk "face to face" with God
8) Gain wisdom without having to make so many mistakes first
Eight TV shows I watch:
Well, there's really only one I watch regularly...
1) Our favorite novela: "Manana es para siempre" (Tomorrow is forever)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A success story
In one way or another, I think all of us desire for our lives or for some part of it to be "a success story." I remember in those long trying days between finding out something seemed wrong on the ultrasound and finding out Angelica had died that I prayed for a miracle- a specific kind of miracle- the kind where everything would end up ok and we could tell all our friends and family that their prayers "worked," that it was all just a big scare, that God saved our little girl. She would reaffirm our faith, our trust in God that He was good and His will for us was good.
But that didn't happen... and I, honestly, got very angry at God for not doing what I wanted, knowing He would be fully capable of saving her. I felt and still feel like a child in many ways who wants that favorite toy more than anything and can't see why her parent won't give it to her or why her parent took it away. It would be so easy and it would make me so happy to have it and yet... that was not to be our story.
I keep coming up with plans for God and the miracles He could work in my life to reveal His glory, but they are all "success stories"- my plans and dreams for us... and I am continually humbled by a constant, resounding "no" to my biggest prayers. I've pleaded and begged and made promises and struck deals and cried and still... I'm a small child left empty handed, with my greatest desire unfulfilled, wondering why.
When things aren't "right" my head tends to fill with all the possibilities of what could be wrong and I find myself hoping and praying it isn't one thing or another, similar to my prayer that Angelica wouldn't be sick, that she would be healthy and everything would be ok- in many ways that we would be "spared" from the most painful and difficult things in life.
And, today, I realized how far I am from being truly compassionate sometimes and how far I am from holiness. I tend to beg God to be spared of all kinds of things- that it won't be me with an ovarian cyst, with early menopause, with one ovary, with this problem or that problem. Then, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get the negative results back, thankful that He saved me or spared me from suffering this time around. But shouldn't I recognize that all of these scenarios are someone's reality? Just as I worried and my worst nightmare came true, others worry and have to face incredibly difficult realities sometimes. The possibilities exist because there is someone going through all of the horrible, difficult possibilities out there.
If I were truly compassionate, wouldn't I love others as if they were my own family and as if their pain was my own- wouldn't I beg God, instead of sparing me, that He inflict on me the most difficult of circumstances if it would spare someone else from having to go through those things?
I am still such a coward in many ways- wanting to be "normal" and comfortable, wanting to live my life like so many other women, who can have children easily, without complications. Moses begged God not to use him, and Aaron doubted that God knew what He was doing. Their lives would have undoubtedly been easier if they had done what they wanted and stayed home tending sheep instead of leading a huge group of confused people through the dessert. Even Mary's life would have been easier if she could have seen Jesus through a "normal" life and not had to watch her son be crucified. Yet, these difficult things, these difficult callings, though they are harder are so important for the "big picture" outside of those individuals' lives. Without their "yes" to God and acceptance of God's plan, along with all the trials it involves, where would we be? I don't imply I am called to anything so great, but it does bring me back to what my great friend said, "this can bring you closer to sainthood."
I'm truly scared of what God might ask of me if I'm still and quiet enough to let Him, what He'd ask me to give up. I still worry that my Creator doesn't understand what I need to be happy or satisfied. And yet, in my heart, I know that there has to be a place where God's desire meets mine. And I have to trust that even if my story doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me on earth, even if it doesn't go "my way" and even if none of my own dreams for me come to fruition that in the bigger scheme of things, outside my limited view, if I can let go of my life as "I would have it" and live it for what it is, it may still be a "success story" to God.
But that didn't happen... and I, honestly, got very angry at God for not doing what I wanted, knowing He would be fully capable of saving her. I felt and still feel like a child in many ways who wants that favorite toy more than anything and can't see why her parent won't give it to her or why her parent took it away. It would be so easy and it would make me so happy to have it and yet... that was not to be our story.
I keep coming up with plans for God and the miracles He could work in my life to reveal His glory, but they are all "success stories"- my plans and dreams for us... and I am continually humbled by a constant, resounding "no" to my biggest prayers. I've pleaded and begged and made promises and struck deals and cried and still... I'm a small child left empty handed, with my greatest desire unfulfilled, wondering why.
When things aren't "right" my head tends to fill with all the possibilities of what could be wrong and I find myself hoping and praying it isn't one thing or another, similar to my prayer that Angelica wouldn't be sick, that she would be healthy and everything would be ok- in many ways that we would be "spared" from the most painful and difficult things in life.
And, today, I realized how far I am from being truly compassionate sometimes and how far I am from holiness. I tend to beg God to be spared of all kinds of things- that it won't be me with an ovarian cyst, with early menopause, with one ovary, with this problem or that problem. Then, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get the negative results back, thankful that He saved me or spared me from suffering this time around. But shouldn't I recognize that all of these scenarios are someone's reality? Just as I worried and my worst nightmare came true, others worry and have to face incredibly difficult realities sometimes. The possibilities exist because there is someone going through all of the horrible, difficult possibilities out there.
If I were truly compassionate, wouldn't I love others as if they were my own family and as if their pain was my own- wouldn't I beg God, instead of sparing me, that He inflict on me the most difficult of circumstances if it would spare someone else from having to go through those things?
I am still such a coward in many ways- wanting to be "normal" and comfortable, wanting to live my life like so many other women, who can have children easily, without complications. Moses begged God not to use him, and Aaron doubted that God knew what He was doing. Their lives would have undoubtedly been easier if they had done what they wanted and stayed home tending sheep instead of leading a huge group of confused people through the dessert. Even Mary's life would have been easier if she could have seen Jesus through a "normal" life and not had to watch her son be crucified. Yet, these difficult things, these difficult callings, though they are harder are so important for the "big picture" outside of those individuals' lives. Without their "yes" to God and acceptance of God's plan, along with all the trials it involves, where would we be? I don't imply I am called to anything so great, but it does bring me back to what my great friend said, "this can bring you closer to sainthood."
I'm truly scared of what God might ask of me if I'm still and quiet enough to let Him, what He'd ask me to give up. I still worry that my Creator doesn't understand what I need to be happy or satisfied. And yet, in my heart, I know that there has to be a place where God's desire meets mine. And I have to trust that even if my story doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me on earth, even if it doesn't go "my way" and even if none of my own dreams for me come to fruition that in the bigger scheme of things, outside my limited view, if I can let go of my life as "I would have it" and live it for what it is, it may still be a "success story" to God.
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