A success story

In one way or another, I think all of us desire for our lives or for some part of it to be "a success story." I remember in those long trying days between finding out something seemed wrong on the ultrasound and finding out Angelica had died that I prayed for a miracle- a specific kind of miracle- the kind where everything would end up ok and we could tell all our friends and family that their prayers "worked," that it was all just a big scare, that God saved our little girl. She would reaffirm our faith, our trust in God that He was good and His will for us was good.

But that didn't happen... and I, honestly, got very angry at God for not doing what I wanted, knowing He would be fully capable of saving her. I felt and still feel like a child in many ways who wants that favorite toy more than anything and can't see why her parent won't give it to her or why her parent took it away. It would be so easy and it would make me so happy to have it and yet... that was not to be our story.

I keep coming up with plans for God and the miracles He could work in my life to reveal His glory, but they are all "success stories"- my plans and dreams for us... and I am continually humbled by a constant, resounding "no" to my biggest prayers. I've pleaded and begged and made promises and struck deals and cried and still... I'm a small child left empty handed, with my greatest desire unfulfilled, wondering why.

When things aren't "right" my head tends to fill with all the possibilities of what could be wrong and I find myself hoping and praying it isn't one thing or another, similar to my prayer that Angelica wouldn't be sick, that she would be healthy and everything would be ok- in many ways that we would be "spared" from the most painful and difficult things in life.

And, today, I realized how far I am from being truly compassionate sometimes and how far I am from holiness. I tend to beg God to be spared of all kinds of things- that it won't be me with an ovarian cyst, with early menopause, with one ovary, with this problem or that problem. Then, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get the negative results back, thankful that He saved me or spared me from suffering this time around. But shouldn't I recognize that all of these scenarios are someone's reality? Just as I worried and my worst nightmare came true, others worry and have to face incredibly difficult realities sometimes. The possibilities exist because there is someone going through all of the horrible, difficult possibilities out there.

If I were truly compassionate, wouldn't I love others as if they were my own family and as if their pain was my own- wouldn't I beg God, instead of sparing me, that He inflict on me the most difficult of circumstances if it would spare someone else from having to go through those things?

I am still such a coward in many ways- wanting to be "normal" and comfortable, wanting to live my life like so many other women, who can have children easily, without complications. Moses begged God not to use him, and Aaron doubted that God knew what He was doing. Their lives would have undoubtedly been easier if they had done what they wanted and stayed home tending sheep instead of leading a huge group of confused people through the dessert. Even Mary's life would have been easier if she could have seen Jesus through a "normal" life and not had to watch her son be crucified. Yet, these difficult things, these difficult callings, though they are harder are so important for the "big picture" outside of those individuals' lives. Without their "yes" to God and acceptance of God's plan, along with all the trials it involves, where would we be? I don't imply I am called to anything so great, but it does bring me back to what my great friend said, "this can bring you closer to sainthood."

I'm truly scared of what God might ask of me if I'm still and quiet enough to let Him, what He'd ask me to give up. I still worry that my Creator doesn't understand what I need to be happy or satisfied. And yet, in my heart, I know that there has to be a place where God's desire meets mine. And I have to trust that even if my story doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me on earth, even if it doesn't go "my way" and even if none of my own dreams for me come to fruition that in the bigger scheme of things, outside my limited view, if I can let go of my life as "I would have it" and live it for what it is, it may still be a "success story" to God.