Steps toward leadership

"He that cannot obey cannot command."- Benjamin Franklin

As I've been looking into the future, I'm careful not to let myself stand still in "waiting" - I feel that if in the future I look back on this time in my life and see it as idle, just waiting for something to move myself forward, I will really regret it. However, I'm not sure what to push myself with or where to move myself at the moment.

If I were expecting a child, I would focus on that and preparing myself and my family for a "new addition." I can't very well be in a place of "expecting to expect" and do much with it, so my thoughts have turned to other things- other potential "preparations".

Now that I have "another chance" to prepare us for children and just to reflect on my work and life and where I'm going, I've taken to dreaming up a whole variety of different paths for myself- everything from law school, to teaching certification, to doctoral programs. I realize it may seem like a crazy time to think about making changes when we're trying to have children, but then again, it seems crazy to me to just put all other aspects of life on hold for something that may not happen, or may not happen for a very long time. I think being excited and feeling passionate about what I'm doing and where I'm going again will also take off a lot of the stress and pressure around getting pregnant again, which probably isn't helping anything.

One thing I have realized, though, in all my talks with people about future paths is that being a leader is not about being in the spotlight, especially not right away. Being a leader really has very little to do with my own agenda, doing what I want, implementing my own ideas and getting credit for it. Unlike other things I've been involved in, like theater and my own higher education, leadership is not about me doing what I want or me showing what I am capable of. Working my way into a position where I can have the kind of voice and ability to influence policies and programs the way I dream is essentially going to involve a whole lot of what Alanna would call "humble pie."

The best example I can think of who led the way I feel I am going to have to lead to get there is Christ. Looking back, He was a superstar, but we have to remember that at the time, He was not. He was controversial, intriguing, ultimately brought on a lot of attention, but in the stories I remember, He never sought out the limelight. He did not seek glory and attention and popularity, but rather He sought to serve, to help others find the best in themselves, to share the truth- no more and no less.

I think about what keeps me distanced from my supervisor and so often it is my own pride. I say I resent that she takes my ideas as hers, that she is so quick to reject ideas and projects and plans I worked so hard on and thought so much about, that she leaves me without any direction one second and micromanages the next, that she cannot eloquently explain purposes for certain programs or write clear policies, that she says things she doesn't mean, refuses to give annual evaluations, and doesn't understand the role of "costs" in projecting a budget's true "revenue."

There is a lot I blame her for- a lot of ways I can justify my lack of respect for her as my supervisor, but like with anything, it is a two way street. I can turn all of my criticism back on myself. In a few words from my father and my aunt:

"Your job is to make your boss look good."

"Is it more important that it's your idea or is it more important that it happens?"

These are the words of the wise that make my naive, idealistic world crumble on top of itself. If "my job" is not to make myself look good, my next question is "when is it my turn to be the boss?" When do I get to be the one that everyone else works so hard for? When do I get to make the decisions and get the credit?"

There I go again with my pride. I call it "fairness." It is not fair- it is not just for someone to take credit for an idea that is not theirs. It is not ethical- it is not right for someone to treat you worse because you are female or young or shut you down because you're energetic and passionate.

And the reality is, it's probably not- it's not fair and it's not right. So many situations I've come across here have made me want to run the other way and throw myself out of the 4th floor window to escape the ugliness and ridiculousness of it all. But I realize that flourishing rose gardens don't need new seeds. I can't change the way people treat me or respond to my efforts. I can only control my attitude and the way I respond to them.

And my lesson is that most of the time in my life right now, I need to respond with a lot more humility. I need to realize that, although I know a lot, I still have much much more left to learn. Today, I am not the boss, but today I can get one step closer by learning how to be a good employee- I can do something to earn my supervisor's trust, I can do something to show her respect, and I can do something to learn from her.

Sometimes being the "main part" is a lot easier than playing the "supporting role", but as anyone in theatre knows, those "supporting roles" can make or break the performance. Sometimes important work goes unrecognized by most people, but, as my aunt pointed out, "God knows who does what and, ultimately, most people do too..."

So, here's to taking one more step towards leadership by taking one more step towards servanthood.