Yesterday, a very long 40 minutes after my scheduled telephone appointment, I finally heard from the doctor about the results of the testing they did. He told me the baby was a girl and that in all the testing, they couldn't find what went wrong. There were 46 chromosomes, as there should be. It's common to find 47 or 45 in these cases, but they were all there- no more and no less. It's also common for girls to be missing an X chromosome (Turner's syndrome) but both of those were there as well. The bad news is that there is still no apparent reason the baby couldn't make it. The good news is that the unexplainable is unlikely to happen again...
I hesitate to write when I feel this way as I don't want to bring others around me down, but I also feel the need to be real about this. If I was moving forward at some point before, I feel like I've now lost my footing and fallen back. I'm left asking the same questions I've asked so many times before: Why me? Why my baby?
I don't understand people who find comfort in statistics. 75% of women never face this- out of the 25% who do, most have miscarriages before they even realize they're pregnant. How can I be comforted by "chance" when I've already been on the wrong side of it? It shouldn't have happened- everything says it shouldn't have happened and it did.
I feel myself losing faith too. I don't know what there is to have faith in. I can't trust God to protect me or the people I love most. I feel like He's just watching from the sidelines. What is comforting about that? Whatever is going to happen will happen either way. What have the prayers been for? Where are the miracles? Where is God's intervention? I feel so disillusioned and lost.
I know people say we can try again, but I can't even think about that. I can't even imagine being happy about another pregnancy. In so many ways, I just want Juan Carlos to find someone else who can be the wife he wants and needs, who he can start a family with and I just want to hide away and not have to face life anymore. It hurts too much to want what I can never have- my baby girl... to wonder what she looked like, if she had Carlos's green eyes or my curly hair, if she would have been shy and quiet or bubbly and outspoken, about how much we would have loved her....about how much we did love her...
I don't know how to go on, how to find hope, how to be happy again. I know I can't continue to be so dismal and negative, but how can I convince myself "it's for the best" or "it wasn't time" How can I be comforted about something so senseless? How do babies just die? I want to tell myself we weren't ready, that something wasn't right, that somehow some way this is "better", that it's better to wait... but every time I'm unconvinced. We could always save more money, be more mature, be a little more prepared and yet I feel like our hearts were ready and I don't know what else matters as much as that, especially to God.
I pray someday I may be able to look back on this with some sort of peace about the whole thing- maybe when I'm less self-centered and less focused on my own suffering and my own loss and the senselessness and unfairness of it all. Maybe my narrow vision is holding me back right now. I recognize I'm not where I would like to be forever and yet, for now, this is where I am. I don't know if I've hit bottom yet- I don't even know if I care. All I can ask is that you keep me in your prayers. If God is listening, maybe He'll help to pull me out of this in time. I hope time will be the great healer that people say it is.
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