Happiness

I've been talking to Juan Carlos lately about happiness. We were talking about how it's easy to get excited about things and to have that excitement consume you and keep you going for awhile, but that the excitement never lasts, so once the house or the truck are bought and the trip is over and things end, you have to go back to life again and it's easy to feel like you're going back into a rut or to get addicted to wanting new things and new experiences so you can be excited about something all the time.

How do I take this crossroads in my life and make a decision to be happy- not because I feel secure about my future or I'm excited about plans I have for myself, but just because I'm alive? I told Juan Carlos I have to move on but now that I've experienced tragedy, I have to move on knowing I could experience tragedy again, maybe even worse than before. How can I go forward and try to enjoy life, yet know that anything or anyone could be taken from me at any time? What's enjoyable about that? How do I let go of the fear, knowing nothing is forever?

But as Carlos says, we have to live in the present because if we don't, we never really live. And what could be worse than spending your entire life in your future or your past- worrying, regretting, wishing for what never was, hoping for what might not be... This would be a life of true tragedy.

On Monday, the doctor will call to tell me what the results were from the tests they did on the baby's remains. It's possible they did not find anything, it's possible they did not find anything that would affect future pregnancies- these are the two most likely scenarios. But in the back of my mind I carry the new reality that it's also possible they found something that would have serious implications about our ability to have healthy children in the future. I have always dreamed of having children, of raising a family, of having things a certain way.

For the first time in my life, I think I am beginning to understand that my life is not my own. Life is not a game with clear rules and boundaries- it is not a math equation like 2 + 2 = 4 and even all the discipline and good judgement and morality in the world cannot guarantee you a life free of suffering. My life may turn out to be very different than I had always dreamed. It's so hard to face that, but it's true.

So, now the question is not so much what will happen to me or what I will do but who will I be regardless of what happens and in the midst of what I do? Who will I be and where will I get my strength? Juan Carlos says I'm so good at comparing myself to others, but I always compare myself to people who I think have it better than me, rather than people who don't. He reminds me that although we have women in our lives with many children, we also have women in our lives who would love to have children and can't. Yet, they still find joy in life, probably more than me most of the time. Some of them live with much less privacy, work in a job they don't enjoy, don't have the opportunities and freedoms that come with having a legal status here and yet, they still find happiness.

They, along with so many other examples, prove that happiness lies somewhere beyond our physical status, even beyond what we hope and dream for ourselves. Hopes and dreams are not innately bad, but when their completion becomes our only path to happiness, they can destroy us. It's as if happiness lies suspended in a very uncomfortable balance between dreaming and wanting and working and fighting for something and being able to accept whatever comes anyway.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Regardless of your plans for me, I am yours. Give me the strength to face this life head on, to feel, to hurt when necessary but always to ultimately choose happiness.