Human Resilience

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis

I have been struck lately by a phenomenon that I hadn't known so intimately before- that of people and what people are capable of coming through. As I have faced such deep suffering and loss in my own life, I have had to say goodbye to dream after dream- at least for now.

Dreams of visiting Mexico with my husband, of Juan Carlos having papers, of owning a home, and most devastating, dreams of having a child. I find myself more frustrated than I have ever felt in how many dreams God has called me to let go of. I'm not sure if it comes from a position of feeling entitled to certain things in life or that I feel I'm not asking for that much or the fact that I just keeping getting "no" for an answer.

I've talked about suffering before- suffering as we've experienced with the loss of our baby would have been unthinkable to me months ago- things that we tell ourselves can't happen because there's no good reason they should-not even "free will" or someone's bad decision can explain away a miscarriage. It's so tempting to live in despair, to give up hope, and assume the worst in some attempt to protect ourselves or distance ourselves from the incredible pain- it really seems unbearable.

I've been having a hard time lately and one night in desperation I said, "I just don't understand how God could let us suffer so much!! So many people NEVER have to face anything this hard!! Why us?!"

Juan Carlos looked at me seriously and said, "And some people have to face things much harder." He told me about a girl he saw on a TV program who was 12 years old but had a sickness in which she aged too quickly, so physically she was 91. He said she never complained and she just made it her mission in life to remind people not to take their lives for granted, not to complain, and to always be grateful for their blessings.

I hate that I need stories like that sometimes to put things into perspective, but I do and it did help me to think differently about my own attitude and also about people in general.

I had a friend in college who was telling me about how she was fascinated by "human resilience" and could study it forever. I appreciate the concept so much more now than I ever did then. We always seem to hear the stories of people who are abused hurting others or the cycles of violence and how vulnerable people are to their environments (their teachers, the TV, their parents) and all the ways we can "mess each other up".

But there's another side of the story- the people that move through suffering, that improve their lives in spite of or even because of what happens to them. I think that sometimes we don't give people the credit they deserve for being able to get through hard stuff. People are amazing and there are some incredible testimonies of difficulties, illnesses, challenges that people have faced and become better for.

The quote at the top of this entry struck me when I came across it today, as I often feel that I can trust God deep down. I really do believe someday I may be able to look back on this time with more perspective, possibly even with a sense of peace and gratitude. But in the meantime, I find myself pleading with God to not make me face all these broken dreams and all this suffering anymore. I just want it to stop hurting... to stop being so painful. Yet ultimately, I know what will be will be (lo que sera sera) and all I can do is try to be open to being changed for the better through whatever lies ahead.