In an effort to pull myself out of the depression that seems to be consuming me lately, I am going to use Fridays as a day to recognize my blessings and all I have to be thankful for. It's more for me than you, of course, but I'm also hopeful that being positive and grateful will spread to your lives, even through the internet...
Here are my highlights from this week:
1) I'm so grateful for my trip to Arizona with my sisters to visit my grandparents and aunt, uncle and cousins that live down there. I am waiting on my little sister to send pictures, but will hopefully post some soon. The sun and the time away was very refreshing.
2) Yesterday I came home after going to a counseling appointment I wasn't very excited about. Juan Carlos was on the computer. I walked in, and he looked up, saw my face, told me to come sit on the couch and tell him what was on my mind. He listened, gave supportive input, and gave lots of hugs and kisses. He couldn't have done anything better. I am so grateful for him.
3) This has been a struggle that is hard to turn into something of thanks, but I am thankful that in the process of trying to get pregnant again, I have learned a lot more about the miracle of what goes into the beginning of a new life and about my own body. It has been incredibly frustrating and very mysterious at times, but I am hopeful that, with time, I can come to an understanding about myself that will help me to effectively use natural family planning throughout my life. Right now, I can't imagine a time we won't be actively trying to get pregnant, but in case that day comes, I hope that the knowledge gained through this difficult experience will help us to be responsible and to be open to love the gift of life whenever and however it comes to us.
4) I'm thankful my mom always taught me "it's ok to cry" - Sometimes a "good cry" is the best remedy there is...
5) I'm thankful for the steady work that Juan Carlos and I have had the past several months. It has allowed us to continue saving for a home and also to get a new/used car. I am so thankful to not have to drive the big, orange truck around anymore, as is Juan Carlos (he was not happy about me "gastando la camioneta")
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Our "Getaway"
As a birthday present, my mom treated Juan Carlos and I to our first real "getaway" as a couple (we never had a "honeymoon"). We left in the morning on Saturday, April 11th and went whitewater rafting in Port Angeles around 2:00pm. Juan Carlos insisted on wearing the largest wetsuit they had (I guess he thinks even wetsuits should fit big) Afterwards, we went to the bed and breakfast, got cleaned up and went out to dinner at "Fiesta Jalisco" We came back and enjoyed the in-room jacuzzi and fireplace. The next morning we enjoyed a delicious breakfast (though we had to get a little more food for Juan Carlos later that day) and we visited Olympic Game Farm. It was a lot of fun! I'm so grateful for this meaningful, quality time with Juan Carlos and for the opportunity to get away, even just for a couple days. Here are some pictures from the weekend.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Growing closer
I've been hearing more and more lately about couples who are married over 25 years and then separate or get divorced when the kids move out. It's hard for me to comprehend how people could go through so much together, get through the "hardest" part together and then want to go their separate ways. Unless, of course, having a family is somehow more of a distraction and being alone together is actually harder...
Today I was blessed with the opportunity to see that my time right now, without other committments, can be used to focus in a very special way on my marriage- on my husband and what he needs and what I can do to help him feel loved. Being open to growing our family at any point could take us in a lot of different directions in the future and the stronger we are in our love and support of each other now, the easier it will be to be flexible, forgiving and understanding later on, when life, hopefully, is a little busier and sometimes a little more stressful.
There is still so much "growing up" I have to do in regards to our relationship, from apologizing more quickly to approaching topics more lovingly to complaining less about things Juan Carlos does with friends or family. I hope I can make the most of this time to support Juan Carlos and help us to be stronger than ever, so that 25, 30 or as many years as we live down the line, we will grow closer through our family, rather than grow apart...
Today I was blessed with the opportunity to see that my time right now, without other committments, can be used to focus in a very special way on my marriage- on my husband and what he needs and what I can do to help him feel loved. Being open to growing our family at any point could take us in a lot of different directions in the future and the stronger we are in our love and support of each other now, the easier it will be to be flexible, forgiving and understanding later on, when life, hopefully, is a little busier and sometimes a little more stressful.
There is still so much "growing up" I have to do in regards to our relationship, from apologizing more quickly to approaching topics more lovingly to complaining less about things Juan Carlos does with friends or family. I hope I can make the most of this time to support Juan Carlos and help us to be stronger than ever, so that 25, 30 or as many years as we live down the line, we will grow closer through our family, rather than grow apart...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
God's Intention
I have been struggling lately with the concept of God's intention, whether He has an intention and what it is.
Most couples dream of getting married and having children. Catholic couples' dreams are reinforced by the Church, which emphasizes the value of "fruitful" marriages and "God's design" that sexual intercourse and reproduction go hand in hand.
So, I am left with the question of: if this is God's intention, why would He not fulfill couples' desires to follow "His will"? Of course, in many cases He does, but a relatively large percentage of couples are faced with one of the longest, most difficult, consuming struggles of their lives- recurring miscarriages and infertility.
I understand how the "free will" of people can get in the way of "God's plan" or "God's intention" as in the case of drunk driving, suicide, abortion, kidnapping and a host of other "man-made" problems in the world. I can even understand starvation and sickness in some places as the result of others' failure to share money and resources.
However, in a world where God intervenes for miracles to happen, where an all-powerful God could flood the earth, part the sea, and bring people back to life, why would He keep loving, faithful people from having children? Or why would He not intervene to make it possible if by some fluke of nature pregnancy wouldn't otherwise be possible?
What do we find in the longing that is so transformative as to make it all worth it? And if there is some wonderful gift hidden in the waiting, the pleading and the wondering, why are some people left to long, while others are quickly and easily blessed with all the children they could ever want? Have the "blessed" already learned this lesson somewhere else? Or are they left out- destined to take their blessings for granted, never being able to fully understand what it is to lose? What it is to want something with one's whole heart and never have it?
The Bible says, "knock and the door shall be opened" "ask and you shall receive" but the doors that we beg to open sometimes remained closed and sometimes the things we ask for never enter our lives. When we don't get the answer we hope for, I've been tempted to think we have to change the question, so instead of praying for a cure, a child, an answer, we pray instead for discernment, for wisdom, for strength- less tangible representations of God's presence with us through difficult times.
I'm left to ask, what is it God, specifically, that You want from me? If you don't want us to have children, as the perfect plan set out by the Church would have us believe, then please take away this unbearable desire, so that we don't continue to suffer the disappointment and pain that comes with not being able to.
If Your intention is for us to have children, then please answer our prayers with a "yes" - give us a sign of hope that we are on the right track and following Your will.
And if, Lord, You actually don't have a specific plan in mind, the way we often think You do- if Your design is more simple than we make it out to be, if it really comes down to loving and serving You through and in spite of our circumstances, than give us the necessary perspective to let go of our own plans and dreams for our lives and surrender them for a greater glory. Fulfill us and satisfy us in our longing to love and care for a new life by opening doors and showing us ways we can love and care for people that are already here. Heal us from the hurt that comes from comparing ourselves and our lives to others, from envy and from resentment, from feelings of loneliness in our suffering. Heal our broken hearts, heavy with grief and disappointment over memories that never were. Give us an appreciation for our own, unique story, "intentional" or not, and open our eyes to the possibilities that surround us. Fill us with hope.
Most couples dream of getting married and having children. Catholic couples' dreams are reinforced by the Church, which emphasizes the value of "fruitful" marriages and "God's design" that sexual intercourse and reproduction go hand in hand.
So, I am left with the question of: if this is God's intention, why would He not fulfill couples' desires to follow "His will"? Of course, in many cases He does, but a relatively large percentage of couples are faced with one of the longest, most difficult, consuming struggles of their lives- recurring miscarriages and infertility.
I understand how the "free will" of people can get in the way of "God's plan" or "God's intention" as in the case of drunk driving, suicide, abortion, kidnapping and a host of other "man-made" problems in the world. I can even understand starvation and sickness in some places as the result of others' failure to share money and resources.
However, in a world where God intervenes for miracles to happen, where an all-powerful God could flood the earth, part the sea, and bring people back to life, why would He keep loving, faithful people from having children? Or why would He not intervene to make it possible if by some fluke of nature pregnancy wouldn't otherwise be possible?
What do we find in the longing that is so transformative as to make it all worth it? And if there is some wonderful gift hidden in the waiting, the pleading and the wondering, why are some people left to long, while others are quickly and easily blessed with all the children they could ever want? Have the "blessed" already learned this lesson somewhere else? Or are they left out- destined to take their blessings for granted, never being able to fully understand what it is to lose? What it is to want something with one's whole heart and never have it?
The Bible says, "knock and the door shall be opened" "ask and you shall receive" but the doors that we beg to open sometimes remained closed and sometimes the things we ask for never enter our lives. When we don't get the answer we hope for, I've been tempted to think we have to change the question, so instead of praying for a cure, a child, an answer, we pray instead for discernment, for wisdom, for strength- less tangible representations of God's presence with us through difficult times.
I'm left to ask, what is it God, specifically, that You want from me? If you don't want us to have children, as the perfect plan set out by the Church would have us believe, then please take away this unbearable desire, so that we don't continue to suffer the disappointment and pain that comes with not being able to.
If Your intention is for us to have children, then please answer our prayers with a "yes" - give us a sign of hope that we are on the right track and following Your will.
And if, Lord, You actually don't have a specific plan in mind, the way we often think You do- if Your design is more simple than we make it out to be, if it really comes down to loving and serving You through and in spite of our circumstances, than give us the necessary perspective to let go of our own plans and dreams for our lives and surrender them for a greater glory. Fulfill us and satisfy us in our longing to love and care for a new life by opening doors and showing us ways we can love and care for people that are already here. Heal us from the hurt that comes from comparing ourselves and our lives to others, from envy and from resentment, from feelings of loneliness in our suffering. Heal our broken hearts, heavy with grief and disappointment over memories that never were. Give us an appreciation for our own, unique story, "intentional" or not, and open our eyes to the possibilities that surround us. Fill us with hope.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Happiness
Happiness is a form of courage. ~Holbrook Jackson
These are some random thoughts on happiness. I can't find a way to tie them together so I'm just putting them out there.
Choosing to be happy
Through low moments over the past several months, Juan Carlos has sometimes asked me if this is how things were going to be from now on. Though this particular comment/question has generally not been helpful at the time, he has provoked a lot of thinking about happiness, about feelings and about choices. When should a person let themselves feel sad and mourn and when does it turn into unproductive sadness, self-pity and depression? When are feelings just feelings and when can we turn feelings into attitudes or choices?
Happiness inspires happiness
I got together with a friend from high school over the weekend for coffee. I was telling her about our daughter and that we named her Angelica Grace. She started telling me about how she thought she wanted to name her daughter, if she has one, after one of her sister's friends, Abbey, because Abbey was always so happy. Why not name a baby after someone who is so contagiously happy? She told me other people have named their children after Abbey too, even after meeting her for just one day. This really made an impression on me. How neat that a person's attitude or demeanor would inspire someone so much.
Happiness and humility
I've been thinking about accepting suffering quietly as opposed to making it a public affair. Sometimes I see people ooing and ahhing over pregnant women and new babies and have this urge to bring up Angelica and how she's not here and make people remember her. Of course, it always seems so awkward that I never have actually done that, but I've questioned this urge and what I would be trying to gain from it. Is it a need for recognition? For myself? For her? Is it a desire to be reaffirmed, to have my grief reaffirmed- to be assured that her life was real and my grief is justified? Is it just to break the deafening silence surrounding her death, where no one says anything because no one knows what to say and life goes on as if it were all normal when, for me, everything has changed and everything hasn't at the same time.
It's easier to be sad
I wonder sometimes what attracts me to grief and sadness, why I dwell on the "what ifs" and "what would have/should have been" and think about all the ways I'm alone or different or hurting. Am I looking for comfort? Am I comfortable in sadness and grief, whereas trying to be happy would somehow be some sort of risk? I'm not sure what I would be risking exactly- perhaps being disappointed, but dwelling in sadness I already am disappointed.
Happiness as courage
The quote at the top of the blog struck me today, as if someone else understood what it feels like to not have happiness as the "default" but rather as a very intentional step towards something greater. I understand the value of happiness, its contagiousness, what it can do for my life and the people around me, but for me, happiness does require a kind of "courage", a kind of faith, a stepping out into the "unknown." I find myself asking "What would happen if I chose to be happy? If I chose to look at the bright side, to count my blessings? What am I so afraid to lose? Would people think I had a perfect life? That I didn't suffer? That things weren't hard for me? What if they did fail to recognize my happiness as a difficult but intentional choice? Why am I scared of that?
Happiness as security
In spite of whatever may be "scary" to me about happiness, it also, ironically, would seem to provide the kind of security I have always sought throughout my life, allowing me to say I can find happiness in my present circumstances, regardless of what happens, making me open to an unknown future but not scared of it, because I have the inner wisdom to know "it will all be ok". It may not be the way I would have it or want it, but I am only a worker, not the master builder.
Looking ahead
Maybe this is the hardest thing I will ever have to go through and maybe this is just preparing me for worse things yet to come. I cannot know- all I know is fighting "what is" and wishing for "what's not" is getting me nowhere. I have to try another approach. With the beautiful sun shining after weeks of rain, promising spring, hope, and new life for the world around me, I can't think of a better time than the present to be thankful and step with courage into a better place, a life of happiness.
These are some random thoughts on happiness. I can't find a way to tie them together so I'm just putting them out there.
Choosing to be happy
Through low moments over the past several months, Juan Carlos has sometimes asked me if this is how things were going to be from now on. Though this particular comment/question has generally not been helpful at the time, he has provoked a lot of thinking about happiness, about feelings and about choices. When should a person let themselves feel sad and mourn and when does it turn into unproductive sadness, self-pity and depression? When are feelings just feelings and when can we turn feelings into attitudes or choices?
Happiness inspires happiness
I got together with a friend from high school over the weekend for coffee. I was telling her about our daughter and that we named her Angelica Grace. She started telling me about how she thought she wanted to name her daughter, if she has one, after one of her sister's friends, Abbey, because Abbey was always so happy. Why not name a baby after someone who is so contagiously happy? She told me other people have named their children after Abbey too, even after meeting her for just one day. This really made an impression on me. How neat that a person's attitude or demeanor would inspire someone so much.
Happiness and humility
I've been thinking about accepting suffering quietly as opposed to making it a public affair. Sometimes I see people ooing and ahhing over pregnant women and new babies and have this urge to bring up Angelica and how she's not here and make people remember her. Of course, it always seems so awkward that I never have actually done that, but I've questioned this urge and what I would be trying to gain from it. Is it a need for recognition? For myself? For her? Is it a desire to be reaffirmed, to have my grief reaffirmed- to be assured that her life was real and my grief is justified? Is it just to break the deafening silence surrounding her death, where no one says anything because no one knows what to say and life goes on as if it were all normal when, for me, everything has changed and everything hasn't at the same time.
It's easier to be sad
I wonder sometimes what attracts me to grief and sadness, why I dwell on the "what ifs" and "what would have/should have been" and think about all the ways I'm alone or different or hurting. Am I looking for comfort? Am I comfortable in sadness and grief, whereas trying to be happy would somehow be some sort of risk? I'm not sure what I would be risking exactly- perhaps being disappointed, but dwelling in sadness I already am disappointed.
Happiness as courage
The quote at the top of the blog struck me today, as if someone else understood what it feels like to not have happiness as the "default" but rather as a very intentional step towards something greater. I understand the value of happiness, its contagiousness, what it can do for my life and the people around me, but for me, happiness does require a kind of "courage", a kind of faith, a stepping out into the "unknown." I find myself asking "What would happen if I chose to be happy? If I chose to look at the bright side, to count my blessings? What am I so afraid to lose? Would people think I had a perfect life? That I didn't suffer? That things weren't hard for me? What if they did fail to recognize my happiness as a difficult but intentional choice? Why am I scared of that?
Happiness as security
In spite of whatever may be "scary" to me about happiness, it also, ironically, would seem to provide the kind of security I have always sought throughout my life, allowing me to say I can find happiness in my present circumstances, regardless of what happens, making me open to an unknown future but not scared of it, because I have the inner wisdom to know "it will all be ok". It may not be the way I would have it or want it, but I am only a worker, not the master builder.
Looking ahead
Maybe this is the hardest thing I will ever have to go through and maybe this is just preparing me for worse things yet to come. I cannot know- all I know is fighting "what is" and wishing for "what's not" is getting me nowhere. I have to try another approach. With the beautiful sun shining after weeks of rain, promising spring, hope, and new life for the world around me, I can't think of a better time than the present to be thankful and step with courage into a better place, a life of happiness.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
April 1st
First of all, today, April 1st, is my father's birthday!! So, Happy Birthday, Daddy!
Dad-
I'm so glad you're my father. From soccer practice to workplace politics, you have always been an incredible coach and mentor. You have always supported and encouraged me, but you've also been willing to tell me the truth, give me new perspective and tell me when I'm wrong. You have seen me through everything- my great joys and accomplishments and also my greatest challenges. Thank you for making time for my sisters and I- to play with us, listen to us, laugh with us. Thank you for working so hard to not only support us and provide for us, but to become the confident, faith-filled, compassionate man that you are today. I can see your contentment with life comes from recognizing your blessings and being thankful for the "small stuff". I admire you and I love you more than you can imagine!
Second of all, today was the due date for my little girl, Angelica. So amidst celebrating another year of life for my father, who I love so much, I also mourn our loss and remember the very short life of our small daughter.
Dear Angelica-
Much of me wishes that today I could be celebrating your birth instead of sitting here, on just another normal Wednesday, broken hearted that your daddy and I never got to know you "face to face." But I want you to know that we loved you so much. From the day we found out about you, we were so excited and joyful. Your father often says it was the happiest time he remembers in our whole relationship. Your life gave us purpose and meaning and a reason to be better. I felt strong when I knew you lived inside me, like I was never alone. I could be stronger for you than I could be for myself.
They say babies can't hear through the womb until they're older than you were, but your daddy and I still talked to you and sang to you every night. We guessed about whether you would be a boy or a girl (your "nana" Peggy always knew you were a girl!) We talked about what to name you. I made a plan for staying home with you after you were born. We even planned to baptize you with your cousins this summer...
Your dad's cousin, Jaime, would never let anyone forget about you, even in the womb. If someone called to ask who was with us, we would say "Oh, Jaime, Juan Carlos and Amalia" and Jaime would say, "And the baby! Don't forget about the baby!" We were all so excited to meet you...but I guess God needed you more in heaven, with Him, right now, so we'll just have to wait awhile longer.
Your dad and I would really like to have more children if God blesses us with them someday, but I want you to know that even if we do, we'll never forget about you or love you any less. You will always be our first, perfect, little baby girl, and even though you're not with us, I hope that you will still pray for us and our family up in heaven.
Your aunt Kelly will be there to take care of you. She always wanted a baby too... and your great grandpa Ben will be there to play with you, just like he was always here to play with us when your aunts and I were little. Of course, you also have your grandpa Evaristo Garcia who can tell you all kinds of stories about Mexico and your dad's side of the family. They are much crazier than your mom's side of the family. ; )
Even though I'm so sad you're not with us today, I am so happy that you lived and that you're now in heaven, with your true father and your creator. He is the most perfect parent you could ever have, much moreso than we could ever hope to be. Please pray for us as we struggle to accept that you're not in our lives the way we hoped you would be and please remember how much you were and are and always will be loved.
Love,
Your Mom
Dad-
I'm so glad you're my father. From soccer practice to workplace politics, you have always been an incredible coach and mentor. You have always supported and encouraged me, but you've also been willing to tell me the truth, give me new perspective and tell me when I'm wrong. You have seen me through everything- my great joys and accomplishments and also my greatest challenges. Thank you for making time for my sisters and I- to play with us, listen to us, laugh with us. Thank you for working so hard to not only support us and provide for us, but to become the confident, faith-filled, compassionate man that you are today. I can see your contentment with life comes from recognizing your blessings and being thankful for the "small stuff". I admire you and I love you more than you can imagine!
Second of all, today was the due date for my little girl, Angelica. So amidst celebrating another year of life for my father, who I love so much, I also mourn our loss and remember the very short life of our small daughter.
Dear Angelica-
Much of me wishes that today I could be celebrating your birth instead of sitting here, on just another normal Wednesday, broken hearted that your daddy and I never got to know you "face to face." But I want you to know that we loved you so much. From the day we found out about you, we were so excited and joyful. Your father often says it was the happiest time he remembers in our whole relationship. Your life gave us purpose and meaning and a reason to be better. I felt strong when I knew you lived inside me, like I was never alone. I could be stronger for you than I could be for myself.
They say babies can't hear through the womb until they're older than you were, but your daddy and I still talked to you and sang to you every night. We guessed about whether you would be a boy or a girl (your "nana" Peggy always knew you were a girl!) We talked about what to name you. I made a plan for staying home with you after you were born. We even planned to baptize you with your cousins this summer...
Your dad's cousin, Jaime, would never let anyone forget about you, even in the womb. If someone called to ask who was with us, we would say "Oh, Jaime, Juan Carlos and Amalia" and Jaime would say, "And the baby! Don't forget about the baby!" We were all so excited to meet you...but I guess God needed you more in heaven, with Him, right now, so we'll just have to wait awhile longer.
Your dad and I would really like to have more children if God blesses us with them someday, but I want you to know that even if we do, we'll never forget about you or love you any less. You will always be our first, perfect, little baby girl, and even though you're not with us, I hope that you will still pray for us and our family up in heaven.
Your aunt Kelly will be there to take care of you. She always wanted a baby too... and your great grandpa Ben will be there to play with you, just like he was always here to play with us when your aunts and I were little. Of course, you also have your grandpa Evaristo Garcia who can tell you all kinds of stories about Mexico and your dad's side of the family. They are much crazier than your mom's side of the family. ; )
Even though I'm so sad you're not with us today, I am so happy that you lived and that you're now in heaven, with your true father and your creator. He is the most perfect parent you could ever have, much moreso than we could ever hope to be. Please pray for us as we struggle to accept that you're not in our lives the way we hoped you would be and please remember how much you were and are and always will be loved.
Love,
Your Mom
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