God's Intention

I have been struggling lately with the concept of God's intention, whether He has an intention and what it is.

Most couples dream of getting married and having children. Catholic couples' dreams are reinforced by the Church, which emphasizes the value of "fruitful" marriages and "God's design" that sexual intercourse and reproduction go hand in hand.

So, I am left with the question of: if this is God's intention, why would He not fulfill couples' desires to follow "His will"? Of course, in many cases He does, but a relatively large percentage of couples are faced with one of the longest, most difficult, consuming struggles of their lives- recurring miscarriages and infertility.

I understand how the "free will" of people can get in the way of "God's plan" or "God's intention" as in the case of drunk driving, suicide, abortion, kidnapping and a host of other "man-made" problems in the world. I can even understand starvation and sickness in some places as the result of others' failure to share money and resources.

However, in a world where God intervenes for miracles to happen, where an all-powerful God could flood the earth, part the sea, and bring people back to life, why would He keep loving, faithful people from having children? Or why would He not intervene to make it possible if by some fluke of nature pregnancy wouldn't otherwise be possible?

What do we find in the longing that is so transformative as to make it all worth it? And if there is some wonderful gift hidden in the waiting, the pleading and the wondering, why are some people left to long, while others are quickly and easily blessed with all the children they could ever want? Have the "blessed" already learned this lesson somewhere else? Or are they left out- destined to take their blessings for granted, never being able to fully understand what it is to lose? What it is to want something with one's whole heart and never have it?

The Bible says, "knock and the door shall be opened" "ask and you shall receive" but the doors that we beg to open sometimes remained closed and sometimes the things we ask for never enter our lives. When we don't get the answer we hope for, I've been tempted to think we have to change the question, so instead of praying for a cure, a child, an answer, we pray instead for discernment, for wisdom, for strength- less tangible representations of God's presence with us through difficult times.

I'm left to ask, what is it God, specifically, that You want from me? If you don't want us to have children, as the perfect plan set out by the Church would have us believe, then please take away this unbearable desire, so that we don't continue to suffer the disappointment and pain that comes with not being able to.

If Your intention is for us to have children, then please answer our prayers with a "yes" - give us a sign of hope that we are on the right track and following Your will.

And if, Lord, You actually don't have a specific plan in mind, the way we often think You do- if Your design is more simple than we make it out to be, if it really comes down to loving and serving You through and in spite of our circumstances, than give us the necessary perspective to let go of our own plans and dreams for our lives and surrender them for a greater glory. Fulfill us and satisfy us in our longing to love and care for a new life by opening doors and showing us ways we can love and care for people that are already here. Heal us from the hurt that comes from comparing ourselves and our lives to others, from envy and from resentment, from feelings of loneliness in our suffering. Heal our broken hearts, heavy with grief and disappointment over memories that never were. Give us an appreciation for our own, unique story, "intentional" or not, and open our eyes to the possibilities that surround us. Fill us with hope.