Ok, I need to vent because otherwise, I will just break down and cry. (I am a little overly emotional because of getting very limited sleep over the past 6 weeks and even less last night)
Day One (Thursday)
One of the things that drives me crazy the most is getting "the run around" I got a desperate call from a teacher Thursday begging me to cover for a class of hers for the next 8 weeks, starting Monday and she was going into surgery on Friday. After having approximately 30 minutes at 9:00pm on Thursday night to talk it over with JC and run through all the possible scenarios in my mind, I agreed to do it until I have to go back to Saint Martin's in August.
Friday (no one is in the office because of budget cutbacks so I can't do anything)
Day Two (Sunday)
The teacher I'm subbing for called and said she would have another teacher call to give me more info. Another teacher called but couldn't tell me much because her mother was very ill and she wasn't even sure she would make it for the first day of class. She did tell me who to check in with at the school on Monday morning.
Day Three (Monday)
I went in early to check in with that secretary but when I asked her about the supposed books, curriculum, syllabi, etc. she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said to check with another teacher. When I asked how to contact her, she said she didn't know. She informed me I only had two students (I had planned class for 10-15) She sent me on my way to my class across campus with the comment "I hope the door is unlocked because there is no key for you" Well, guess what? It wasn't. Lovely.
Day Four (Tuesday)
I was able to fortunately run into one of the other "seasoned" teachers before class today. She showed me the offices (that I don't have a key to) where I could get instructor's copies of books (of which there were none for the class I'm teaching). Then, she said I had to talk to the level 3 instructor about what I should teach in level 2 so I don't teach the same things she will. When asked where is this instructor, that's right- she's not here because her mother passed away last night. So, my options are: 1) continue teaching blindly and hope I don't overstep into level 3 curriculum or 2) call up this poor woman and ask her for a run down of the curriculum when I'm pretty sure she probably has other things on her mind...
Class itself was ok except for the fact that the students apparently thought doing an activity outside of class for 15 minutes meant come back in a half hour when class is over...
In the meantime, I am trying to save $400 a month by enrolling Danali in a state health program for health insurance. Well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday, on June 28th that they needed her SS# by June 26th, so I spent the afternoon calling them to see if I could get an extension and they said I could have 10 days. In the meantime, I called the Social Security Office to see how I could get her a SS# and tried 5 times to get through to an actual person before giving up. I then attempted to call the hospital, where I got transferred to the family and birth center and then to the "birth certificate lady" who informed me that there was a little box on the birth certificate application that I had to check if I wanted a social security card in any reasonable amount of time and fashion. Since I apparently in my new mother haze of filling out forms missed this small and incredibly important detail, I am doomed to the "alternative" way of aquiring a social security number.
I called the state agency she gave me the number to and they said to just take in the birth certificate and fill out the application and they would give her a number. Oh, that was just too easy. Juan Carlos and I took screaming baby to the other side of town in westside Olympia, took a number, waited for almost an hour, trying to console crying baby the entire time, and then I went to talk to the woman while JC walked Danali outside...only to find out that they need a birth certificate, a parent's ID, AND an official letter from a clinic or hospital indicating the child is a patient there and other personal information. And after that, they have to verify her birth through the state, which could take another week- would verifying her birth through the state by itself not be enough? Fighting off tears, I trudged out and JC suggested we go to the doctor's office now to try to get the letter- hope was restored. If they could give us the letter today, then I could go back today and still mail the form off in time to see if Danali is eligible for the insurance program. But alas, I had to fill out a form to be eligible to get a letter, which they reserve the right to take 3 weeks to produce for us.
I guess this is the point at which I just throw up my hands in desperation and ask God to take over because my best efforts just aren't cutting it.
I feel like a moron that I am only even going through all of this because of some stupid little box that I KNOW I would have checked if I had only seen it!! I feel like an awful mother for missing this detail and not thinking about it until now and I really just want a "do over" Just let me go back and make that check mark please? Oh well- I guess this is yours now, God because I don't feel like I can deal with it anymore.
Getting the "run around" is so frustrating- I know many of you have probably had similar experiences and can empathize- se la vi- I'll be more detail oriented next time around and I'll definitely be sure to let all expecting mothers giving birth at St. Peter's know how to avoid this ridiculously time-consuming and frustrating way of getting that stinking little number!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Fathers and Daughters
"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express." ~Joseph Addison
Watching my husband with our beautiful daughter has made me start to think about my own relationship with my dad in a new light. Fathers and daughters have such a wonderfully pure and special relationship, however it may have played out over the years...
I never considered myself a "Daddy's girl" like some of my friends did. I never felt like I had my dad wrapped around my finger. My father was never the really jealous or protective type either- he never threatened my boyfriends or scolded me about the way I dressed (but I'm sure that's because I didn't give him a reason to...)
My relationship with my father has changed a lot over the years- I look back at pictures and realize when I was small, I was often with my father- playing, doing exercises, sleeping on his chest, putting barettes in his hair, dancing with him- I wish I could recall all of those special moments.
As I got older, I related mostly to my dad through soccer- he was my coach for several years and we grew together in the game. We would "get pumped up" to Gloria Estefan music in the car before practices and games. He would teach me to visualize crossing the ball towards the center or shooting that perfect goal. I remember all the upbeat songs we would sing together on car rides to soccer tournaments or games out of town. I also remember loving this one song on the CD (anything for you...) but it was romantic- sometimes I was embarassed to sing it in front of my dad I guess because I wasn't sure if he would think it was strange I was moving from being a "little girl" to a "young woman" interested in romance...
I still remember one day when my dad took me out to breakfast when I was a teenager. He took me out to tell me how special I was to him- how being the oldest, I will always have a very special place in his heart and how much he loves me. It brought me to tears, though I tried not to cry in front of him. Thinking about my dad often made me want to cry throughout my teen years and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's because I felt I loved him so much but couldn't find how to relate to him- I wasn't sure if he would understand me or if he really wanted to know about my "boy dramas" and "girl issues" I would tend to share much more with my mom. I remember a father's day card that said something like, "Dad, thanks for always leaving the room so mom and I could talk" and that's how it seemed to be in our family a lot of the time, though it made me a little sad to wonder how my father felt about that...
Songs like "Butterfly kisses" and others that spoke to the father/daughter relationship always have and continue to make me cry- what is it that is so delicate and so precious about that relationship that brings on such a wave of emotion? There is something about being cherished by your father, about knowing how hard it is sometimes for him to watch you grow up and to let you go...
I started to get a lot closer to my dad after starting college. It seemed like there were more and more things to relate to him about and to get his advice on. And even more after I started working. He has continued to "coach" me in so many ways and though we may not agree on everything, I always value his perspective. I think he is an incredibly strong and wise man. He has made countless sacrifices and gone through many difficult things to get to where he is today and I hope he can look back and be proud. It's a beautiful thing when parents can pass important lessons on to their children so we can grow into our full potential.
These are some things I have learned from him by his words and more often, by his example:
1) You are not perfect. It's ok to make mistakes but always, always try to learn from your mistakes and do better next time.
2) When people criticize you or your work, don't just write them off. Be honest with yourself- analyze what they're saying- take what's valuable and true and improve yourself and your work based on that and then let the rest go.
3) It's more important to be a good team player than to be the star.
4) Do things because you enjoy them, not out of obligation or fear.
5) Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves- we do them because other people need us to.
6) Give from your blessings. Be generous.
7) Be a person of faith. Pray. Depend on God. Faith gets you through hard times, gives you hope, gives you something to believe in and live for.
8) Make family a priority. Be responsible and work hard but always make time for family.
9) Set goals and always try to improve yourself and your circumstances. Stay positive and keep moving forward.
10) Be compassionate- listen to others and hear them out- be slow to judge. Love people for who they are and where they're at.
There are so many more things but those happened to stand out today. I hope and pray that Juan Carlos can be as good of an example for Dani as my father has been for me. I know their relationship will be unique, and yet, something about it will be shared among all the fathers and daughters across the world.
Here are a couple quotations I found and liked and wanted to dedicate to a few amazing friends of mine whose fathers have recently moved to heaven... your fathers may not be physically with you any longer but the love they've cultivated in you and the lessons they've taught you remain and continue to bless those around you in countless ways.
"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." -- Ruth E. Renkel
"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -- Clarence Budington Kelland
"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever." ~Author Unknown
"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor
"There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." ~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994
Watching my husband with our beautiful daughter has made me start to think about my own relationship with my dad in a new light. Fathers and daughters have such a wonderfully pure and special relationship, however it may have played out over the years...
I never considered myself a "Daddy's girl" like some of my friends did. I never felt like I had my dad wrapped around my finger. My father was never the really jealous or protective type either- he never threatened my boyfriends or scolded me about the way I dressed (but I'm sure that's because I didn't give him a reason to...)
My relationship with my father has changed a lot over the years- I look back at pictures and realize when I was small, I was often with my father- playing, doing exercises, sleeping on his chest, putting barettes in his hair, dancing with him- I wish I could recall all of those special moments.
As I got older, I related mostly to my dad through soccer- he was my coach for several years and we grew together in the game. We would "get pumped up" to Gloria Estefan music in the car before practices and games. He would teach me to visualize crossing the ball towards the center or shooting that perfect goal. I remember all the upbeat songs we would sing together on car rides to soccer tournaments or games out of town. I also remember loving this one song on the CD (anything for you...) but it was romantic- sometimes I was embarassed to sing it in front of my dad I guess because I wasn't sure if he would think it was strange I was moving from being a "little girl" to a "young woman" interested in romance...
I still remember one day when my dad took me out to breakfast when I was a teenager. He took me out to tell me how special I was to him- how being the oldest, I will always have a very special place in his heart and how much he loves me. It brought me to tears, though I tried not to cry in front of him. Thinking about my dad often made me want to cry throughout my teen years and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's because I felt I loved him so much but couldn't find how to relate to him- I wasn't sure if he would understand me or if he really wanted to know about my "boy dramas" and "girl issues" I would tend to share much more with my mom. I remember a father's day card that said something like, "Dad, thanks for always leaving the room so mom and I could talk" and that's how it seemed to be in our family a lot of the time, though it made me a little sad to wonder how my father felt about that...
Songs like "Butterfly kisses" and others that spoke to the father/daughter relationship always have and continue to make me cry- what is it that is so delicate and so precious about that relationship that brings on such a wave of emotion? There is something about being cherished by your father, about knowing how hard it is sometimes for him to watch you grow up and to let you go...
I started to get a lot closer to my dad after starting college. It seemed like there were more and more things to relate to him about and to get his advice on. And even more after I started working. He has continued to "coach" me in so many ways and though we may not agree on everything, I always value his perspective. I think he is an incredibly strong and wise man. He has made countless sacrifices and gone through many difficult things to get to where he is today and I hope he can look back and be proud. It's a beautiful thing when parents can pass important lessons on to their children so we can grow into our full potential.
These are some things I have learned from him by his words and more often, by his example:
1) You are not perfect. It's ok to make mistakes but always, always try to learn from your mistakes and do better next time.
2) When people criticize you or your work, don't just write them off. Be honest with yourself- analyze what they're saying- take what's valuable and true and improve yourself and your work based on that and then let the rest go.
3) It's more important to be a good team player than to be the star.
4) Do things because you enjoy them, not out of obligation or fear.
5) Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves- we do them because other people need us to.
6) Give from your blessings. Be generous.
7) Be a person of faith. Pray. Depend on God. Faith gets you through hard times, gives you hope, gives you something to believe in and live for.
8) Make family a priority. Be responsible and work hard but always make time for family.
9) Set goals and always try to improve yourself and your circumstances. Stay positive and keep moving forward.
10) Be compassionate- listen to others and hear them out- be slow to judge. Love people for who they are and where they're at.
There are so many more things but those happened to stand out today. I hope and pray that Juan Carlos can be as good of an example for Dani as my father has been for me. I know their relationship will be unique, and yet, something about it will be shared among all the fathers and daughters across the world.
Here are a couple quotations I found and liked and wanted to dedicate to a few amazing friends of mine whose fathers have recently moved to heaven... your fathers may not be physically with you any longer but the love they've cultivated in you and the lessons they've taught you remain and continue to bless those around you in countless ways.
"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." -- Ruth E. Renkel
"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -- Clarence Budington Kelland
"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever." ~Author Unknown
"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor
"There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." ~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Lessons from a crying baby
I have actually been pretty reflective lately so I have about 10 potential blog posts in my head but unfortunately, usually have a baby in my arms or am doing one of the kazillion things I need to do while she sleeps so I haven't been able to write them all...
I did want to write about one insight I've gained though. For some reason, the past several days, Dani has been going through a couple hours in the early evening of crying unconsolably... She fusses throughout the day, but this particular time, she cries as hard as she possibly can- we walk, we talk to her, we sing, we turn her in almost every position imaginable, we're still, we're rocking, we've tried the binky, the hot water bottle, etc. and it just won't stop.
The only thing she is even temporarily consoled by seems to be nursing, which really isn't nursing because she really isn't hungry. She latches on, gives a couple sucks and then just hangs there, but as soon as I try to lay her down or even move her away, she freaks out. My mom was telling me last night to try to "trick" her and let her latch on and then slowly put a binky in her mouth instead, leaving her in the same position. I was watching her last night trying to do this and just thinking- why doesn't she know she's ok? I make up reasons she's crying since I don't know why she really is and last night I was thinking about how maybe she's crying because she's just scared we won't feed her or won't comfort her and she's too obsessed with being scared to realize that we are giving her everything she needs.
Maybe I am reading way to into this and really a tag is poking her or something (though I've checked for that) but as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about my own fears and how I often act the same way and start crying and worrying before anything has even actually happened and I become so consumed with being scared or worried, I can't seem to see that right now, I'm actually totally ok.
I was thinking a lot about how it's so beautiful to invite love into your life, in all forms- a new friendship, a spouse, a child, but the more you love, the scarier it is to lose that person. I was thinking a lot about how much I love Juan Carlos and how I just don't know what I'd do without him and now, how much I love Danali and I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I was thinking a lot about SIDS and about how that fear of losing her or something happening to her will be there my whole life as long as she's around... all of a sudden I felt my fear of loss start to become bigger than my love. My mom and sister reminded me that playing out a tragedy in your head isn't going to make it any easier if it actually happens so there's really no point in dwelling on it.
Lord, you are already teaching me lessons about You and Your love through our tiny child, just one month old. You know I love my family so much. Help me to let go of the fear so I can just focus on helping them to feel how much they're loved and enjoy the time you've given me with them. You know I have a tendency to want to plan and to worry when things don't seem to "be in place" Help me to let go of my concerns about work after maternity leave and thoughts of future kids and jobs and how we'll make it work. We never know when we'll meet the love of our life or when the "perfect" opportunity for work is right around the corner. Help me to trust you and know deep down that you are already giving me everything I need...
I did want to write about one insight I've gained though. For some reason, the past several days, Dani has been going through a couple hours in the early evening of crying unconsolably... She fusses throughout the day, but this particular time, she cries as hard as she possibly can- we walk, we talk to her, we sing, we turn her in almost every position imaginable, we're still, we're rocking, we've tried the binky, the hot water bottle, etc. and it just won't stop.
The only thing she is even temporarily consoled by seems to be nursing, which really isn't nursing because she really isn't hungry. She latches on, gives a couple sucks and then just hangs there, but as soon as I try to lay her down or even move her away, she freaks out. My mom was telling me last night to try to "trick" her and let her latch on and then slowly put a binky in her mouth instead, leaving her in the same position. I was watching her last night trying to do this and just thinking- why doesn't she know she's ok? I make up reasons she's crying since I don't know why she really is and last night I was thinking about how maybe she's crying because she's just scared we won't feed her or won't comfort her and she's too obsessed with being scared to realize that we are giving her everything she needs.
Maybe I am reading way to into this and really a tag is poking her or something (though I've checked for that) but as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about my own fears and how I often act the same way and start crying and worrying before anything has even actually happened and I become so consumed with being scared or worried, I can't seem to see that right now, I'm actually totally ok.
I was thinking a lot about how it's so beautiful to invite love into your life, in all forms- a new friendship, a spouse, a child, but the more you love, the scarier it is to lose that person. I was thinking a lot about how much I love Juan Carlos and how I just don't know what I'd do without him and now, how much I love Danali and I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I was thinking a lot about SIDS and about how that fear of losing her or something happening to her will be there my whole life as long as she's around... all of a sudden I felt my fear of loss start to become bigger than my love. My mom and sister reminded me that playing out a tragedy in your head isn't going to make it any easier if it actually happens so there's really no point in dwelling on it.
Lord, you are already teaching me lessons about You and Your love through our tiny child, just one month old. You know I love my family so much. Help me to let go of the fear so I can just focus on helping them to feel how much they're loved and enjoy the time you've given me with them. You know I have a tendency to want to plan and to worry when things don't seem to "be in place" Help me to let go of my concerns about work after maternity leave and thoughts of future kids and jobs and how we'll make it work. We never know when we'll meet the love of our life or when the "perfect" opportunity for work is right around the corner. Help me to trust you and know deep down that you are already giving me everything I need...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Confessions from a new mom
This is kind of a hard post to write as I fear some people may judge me as lacking maternal instinct or being a "bad mom" but I think it's important for me to acknowledge some of my thoughts and feelings during this time, since it is so precious and yet so different than how I expected...
Confession #1: The bond
I definitely love Dani and I feel so incredibly thankful for her, but I have to admit I always thought there would be some kind of instantaneous mother/daughter bond that took place... just because. I thought I would know all her cries and why she was upset, when she needed to burp or eat or sleep or cuddle, why she made the faces she does etc. I have to admit I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes, after trying everything I can think of, I just sit there and helplessly watch her cry, which makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is much more like other relationships, where she is basically a stranger that I have to get to know and continue to get to know day after day as she changes and grows... I understand it's supposed to get easier, as most relationships do with time, but I'm surprised at how different it is than I always imagined...
Confession #2: Diaper explosions
I secretly always thought that people who talked about their babies diapers "exploding" didn't really know how to put on diapers correctly. Either I don't know either or this "leaking" or "exploding" phenomenon can really happen to anyone.
Confession #3: Breastfeeding
This is one of the things I looked forward to most when I was pregnant and it theoretically is just really incredible how your body can produce nourishing food and adjust the amounts depending on how much your baby eats, etc. It's great, but it's also pretty exhausting and selfishly, somtimes I just want my body to myself. It takes more sacrifice than I thought to give yourself over physically all the time, on demand, to a tiny little person who depends on you. It is not always particularly comfortable, convenient or "fun" but important nonetheless. I remain committed to breastfeeding, though I certainly understand why women would choose to give it up. It's harder than I thought it would be.
Confession #4: Productivity (or lack thereof)
I had all these lofty ideas before having a baby of everything I would accomplish while on maternity leave. I planned not only to have the house always immaculate and dinner ready for JC when he got home, but also to study up on interpreting and pass the test, possibly tutor and find a dream job.
Needless to say, I can barely manage a shower and a decent meal during the day, much less an immaculate home and all my other great plans. I have been very disappointed in how incredibly unproductive I am and yet, I also feel like maybe those extra moments of just cuddling in bed or watching my daughter sleep are important in their own right and the other things can wait.
I have cut back my list of productive hopes to what's absolutely necessary any particular day- whether it be a load of laundry, vacuuming or straightening up our room. I know it's hard for JC to be patient with my lack of productivity and unmet expectations as things are different than we planned, but it's an important time of surrender and has really made me reflect on what's important for us and for me.
Confession # 5: Baby blues
Sometimes I cry... for seemingly no reason at all and yet for so many reasons: because I have a beautiful baby I feel I don't deserve, because I can't believe I actually made it through childbirth, because my body will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about it, because life will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about that, because I'm thrilled, because I'm scared to death, because I don't know what to do about work, because I dread maternity leave ending, because, because, because....and for no reason at all...
Confession # 6:
I never paid much attention to sidewalks/wheelchair/stroller access before needing to take the baby places. I actually circled our couldesac several times the other day because it was the only way to stay on sidewalks around our house (my usual walk route involves crossing a busy street and several non-cemented patches)
Confession #7:
I LOVE dressing my daughter up in cute, color coordinated outfits and putting headbands on her. I know she's not a doll and this is purely ridiculous with no legitimate outcome on her well -being, and a part of me feels guilty, but it's just so fun...
Confession #8:
Sometimes I make up excuses for Juan Carlos to take care of Danali for a few minutes while I do something just so I can watch him with her- it's one of my favorite things.
Things I'm loving at this stage:
1) Cuddling- I know when she starts getting restless I'll miss this so much.
2) Being able to put her somewhere and know that she'll be there when I get back
3) The funny faces she makes
4) When she unintentionally reacts to our conversations (ie: I was singing to her one day and she covered her ears- I'm sure it was coincidence)
5) She will try sucking on JC's nose or on anything we put near her mouth when she's hungry
6) How peaceful she looks when she sleeps
7) The funny things JC says pretending that he's her (ie: One time we left her sleeping on the couch to eat dinner and then she woke up- JC went to get her and talking like her said, "thank you for rescuing me daddy because mom left me there on the sofa like a pillow and I'm not a pillow- I'm a person" maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious... I love how he tries to put himself in her place
8) Showing her off to everyone- I love introducing her to new people and seeing how they try to calm her down or carry her (and take mental notes for myself)
9) The "newness" of it all- it's not easy starting a new relationship but it's also so fun- I'm trying to soak in the mystery of this stage and enjoy it rather than just count the days till it's over and it's "easier"
Confession #1: The bond
I definitely love Dani and I feel so incredibly thankful for her, but I have to admit I always thought there would be some kind of instantaneous mother/daughter bond that took place... just because. I thought I would know all her cries and why she was upset, when she needed to burp or eat or sleep or cuddle, why she made the faces she does etc. I have to admit I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes, after trying everything I can think of, I just sit there and helplessly watch her cry, which makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is much more like other relationships, where she is basically a stranger that I have to get to know and continue to get to know day after day as she changes and grows... I understand it's supposed to get easier, as most relationships do with time, but I'm surprised at how different it is than I always imagined...
Confession #2: Diaper explosions
I secretly always thought that people who talked about their babies diapers "exploding" didn't really know how to put on diapers correctly. Either I don't know either or this "leaking" or "exploding" phenomenon can really happen to anyone.
Confession #3: Breastfeeding
This is one of the things I looked forward to most when I was pregnant and it theoretically is just really incredible how your body can produce nourishing food and adjust the amounts depending on how much your baby eats, etc. It's great, but it's also pretty exhausting and selfishly, somtimes I just want my body to myself. It takes more sacrifice than I thought to give yourself over physically all the time, on demand, to a tiny little person who depends on you. It is not always particularly comfortable, convenient or "fun" but important nonetheless. I remain committed to breastfeeding, though I certainly understand why women would choose to give it up. It's harder than I thought it would be.
Confession #4: Productivity (or lack thereof)
I had all these lofty ideas before having a baby of everything I would accomplish while on maternity leave. I planned not only to have the house always immaculate and dinner ready for JC when he got home, but also to study up on interpreting and pass the test, possibly tutor and find a dream job.
Needless to say, I can barely manage a shower and a decent meal during the day, much less an immaculate home and all my other great plans. I have been very disappointed in how incredibly unproductive I am and yet, I also feel like maybe those extra moments of just cuddling in bed or watching my daughter sleep are important in their own right and the other things can wait.
I have cut back my list of productive hopes to what's absolutely necessary any particular day- whether it be a load of laundry, vacuuming or straightening up our room. I know it's hard for JC to be patient with my lack of productivity and unmet expectations as things are different than we planned, but it's an important time of surrender and has really made me reflect on what's important for us and for me.
Confession # 5: Baby blues
Sometimes I cry... for seemingly no reason at all and yet for so many reasons: because I have a beautiful baby I feel I don't deserve, because I can't believe I actually made it through childbirth, because my body will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about it, because life will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about that, because I'm thrilled, because I'm scared to death, because I don't know what to do about work, because I dread maternity leave ending, because, because, because....and for no reason at all...
Confession # 6:
I never paid much attention to sidewalks/wheelchair/stroller access before needing to take the baby places. I actually circled our couldesac several times the other day because it was the only way to stay on sidewalks around our house (my usual walk route involves crossing a busy street and several non-cemented patches)
Confession #7:
I LOVE dressing my daughter up in cute, color coordinated outfits and putting headbands on her. I know she's not a doll and this is purely ridiculous with no legitimate outcome on her well -being, and a part of me feels guilty, but it's just so fun...
Confession #8:
Sometimes I make up excuses for Juan Carlos to take care of Danali for a few minutes while I do something just so I can watch him with her- it's one of my favorite things.
Things I'm loving at this stage:
1) Cuddling- I know when she starts getting restless I'll miss this so much.
2) Being able to put her somewhere and know that she'll be there when I get back
3) The funny faces she makes
4) When she unintentionally reacts to our conversations (ie: I was singing to her one day and she covered her ears- I'm sure it was coincidence)
5) She will try sucking on JC's nose or on anything we put near her mouth when she's hungry
6) How peaceful she looks when she sleeps
7) The funny things JC says pretending that he's her (ie: One time we left her sleeping on the couch to eat dinner and then she woke up- JC went to get her and talking like her said, "thank you for rescuing me daddy because mom left me there on the sofa like a pillow and I'm not a pillow- I'm a person" maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious... I love how he tries to put himself in her place
8) Showing her off to everyone- I love introducing her to new people and seeing how they try to calm her down or carry her (and take mental notes for myself)
9) The "newness" of it all- it's not easy starting a new relationship but it's also so fun- I'm trying to soak in the mystery of this stage and enjoy it rather than just count the days till it's over and it's "easier"
Monday, June 7, 2010
Still in awe
Well, the past couple weeks have flown by (the days at least, sometimes the nights seem quite long...) Danali has yet to sleep in more than a 3 hour stretch, but I understand that's pretty typical. I am amazed I have been able to keep plugging away in spite of such sleep deprivation. And I am also so thankful for the "nap breaks" from Juan Carlos and my mom and for this lovely concept of maternity leave.
And in spite of the sometimes frustrating moments when I can't seem to find "what's wrong" and get Danali to stop crying or I don't know whether green poop is normal or not or I worry about whether she's sleeping ok or breathing ok, I look down at my little girl and still find myself in a state of complete awe.
It just doesn't get old. I still can't believe 10 months ago, she was just a sperm and egg you can't even see and that somehow inside me, she's grown into this tiny, complete little person, with 10 fingers and toes and all the internal organs all of us "big" people have.
And I'm still totally overwhelmed with the gift that God has given us, entrusting us with this little life. I feel so unworthy- like Moses, I want to tell God that maybe I'm not the one for this after all. It's such a big responsibility and honor and I'm just... well, I'm just so normal- I'm not a good cook, I forget where I put my keys, I always put off cleaning the bathroom an unreasonable amount of time...
But I guess that's why God doesn't leave us alone in these enormous life-changing times and I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude and awe at this amazing miracle that is life. It's one of the most normal, natural, widespread phenomenons ever and yet totally and completely miraculous each and every time...
And in spite of the sometimes frustrating moments when I can't seem to find "what's wrong" and get Danali to stop crying or I don't know whether green poop is normal or not or I worry about whether she's sleeping ok or breathing ok, I look down at my little girl and still find myself in a state of complete awe.
It just doesn't get old. I still can't believe 10 months ago, she was just a sperm and egg you can't even see and that somehow inside me, she's grown into this tiny, complete little person, with 10 fingers and toes and all the internal organs all of us "big" people have.
And I'm still totally overwhelmed with the gift that God has given us, entrusting us with this little life. I feel so unworthy- like Moses, I want to tell God that maybe I'm not the one for this after all. It's such a big responsibility and honor and I'm just... well, I'm just so normal- I'm not a good cook, I forget where I put my keys, I always put off cleaning the bathroom an unreasonable amount of time...
But I guess that's why God doesn't leave us alone in these enormous life-changing times and I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude and awe at this amazing miracle that is life. It's one of the most normal, natural, widespread phenomenons ever and yet totally and completely miraculous each and every time...
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