This is kind of a hard post to write as I fear some people may judge me as lacking maternal instinct or being a "bad mom" but I think it's important for me to acknowledge some of my thoughts and feelings during this time, since it is so precious and yet so different than how I expected...
Confession #1: The bond
I definitely love Dani and I feel so incredibly thankful for her, but I have to admit I always thought there would be some kind of instantaneous mother/daughter bond that took place... just because. I thought I would know all her cries and why she was upset, when she needed to burp or eat or sleep or cuddle, why she made the faces she does etc. I have to admit I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes, after trying everything I can think of, I just sit there and helplessly watch her cry, which makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is much more like other relationships, where she is basically a stranger that I have to get to know and continue to get to know day after day as she changes and grows... I understand it's supposed to get easier, as most relationships do with time, but I'm surprised at how different it is than I always imagined...
Confession #2: Diaper explosions
I secretly always thought that people who talked about their babies diapers "exploding" didn't really know how to put on diapers correctly. Either I don't know either or this "leaking" or "exploding" phenomenon can really happen to anyone.
Confession #3: Breastfeeding
This is one of the things I looked forward to most when I was pregnant and it theoretically is just really incredible how your body can produce nourishing food and adjust the amounts depending on how much your baby eats, etc. It's great, but it's also pretty exhausting and selfishly, somtimes I just want my body to myself. It takes more sacrifice than I thought to give yourself over physically all the time, on demand, to a tiny little person who depends on you. It is not always particularly comfortable, convenient or "fun" but important nonetheless. I remain committed to breastfeeding, though I certainly understand why women would choose to give it up. It's harder than I thought it would be.
Confession #4: Productivity (or lack thereof)
I had all these lofty ideas before having a baby of everything I would accomplish while on maternity leave. I planned not only to have the house always immaculate and dinner ready for JC when he got home, but also to study up on interpreting and pass the test, possibly tutor and find a dream job.
Needless to say, I can barely manage a shower and a decent meal during the day, much less an immaculate home and all my other great plans. I have been very disappointed in how incredibly unproductive I am and yet, I also feel like maybe those extra moments of just cuddling in bed or watching my daughter sleep are important in their own right and the other things can wait.
I have cut back my list of productive hopes to what's absolutely necessary any particular day- whether it be a load of laundry, vacuuming or straightening up our room. I know it's hard for JC to be patient with my lack of productivity and unmet expectations as things are different than we planned, but it's an important time of surrender and has really made me reflect on what's important for us and for me.
Confession # 5: Baby blues
Sometimes I cry... for seemingly no reason at all and yet for so many reasons: because I have a beautiful baby I feel I don't deserve, because I can't believe I actually made it through childbirth, because my body will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about it, because life will never be the same and I have mixed feelings about that, because I'm thrilled, because I'm scared to death, because I don't know what to do about work, because I dread maternity leave ending, because, because, because....and for no reason at all...
Confession # 6:
I never paid much attention to sidewalks/wheelchair/stroller access before needing to take the baby places. I actually circled our couldesac several times the other day because it was the only way to stay on sidewalks around our house (my usual walk route involves crossing a busy street and several non-cemented patches)
Confession #7:
I LOVE dressing my daughter up in cute, color coordinated outfits and putting headbands on her. I know she's not a doll and this is purely ridiculous with no legitimate outcome on her well -being, and a part of me feels guilty, but it's just so fun...
Confession #8:
Sometimes I make up excuses for Juan Carlos to take care of Danali for a few minutes while I do something just so I can watch him with her- it's one of my favorite things.
Things I'm loving at this stage:
1) Cuddling- I know when she starts getting restless I'll miss this so much.
2) Being able to put her somewhere and know that she'll be there when I get back
3) The funny faces she makes
4) When she unintentionally reacts to our conversations (ie: I was singing to her one day and she covered her ears- I'm sure it was coincidence)
5) She will try sucking on JC's nose or on anything we put near her mouth when she's hungry
6) How peaceful she looks when she sleeps
7) The funny things JC says pretending that he's her (ie: One time we left her sleeping on the couch to eat dinner and then she woke up- JC went to get her and talking like her said, "thank you for rescuing me daddy because mom left me there on the sofa like a pillow and I'm not a pillow- I'm a person" maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious... I love how he tries to put himself in her place
8) Showing her off to everyone- I love introducing her to new people and seeing how they try to calm her down or carry her (and take mental notes for myself)
9) The "newness" of it all- it's not easy starting a new relationship but it's also so fun- I'm trying to soak in the mystery of this stage and enjoy it rather than just count the days till it's over and it's "easier"
3 comments:
You are a BEAUTIFUL mother and doing a BEAUTIFUL job! Great post-thank you! It's all so very normal-everything you said...and it too shall pass, so soak in all the great moments, and remember that the bad will pass :)
Janelle, awesome post! And also VERY normal. Allow yourself a few months to adjust. Really. Don't worry about the productivity (or perceived lack thereof). You're doing what's most important right now: taking care of a new little person who needs your attention. And when you're not taking care of her, allow yourself to take care of yourself too before feeling the need to tackle that never-ending to do list.
You're doing a GREAT job!
Ditto on what Mary and Carrie said. I think my low was at about 4-5 weeks and then things seemed to start getting better. Here are tips that have helped me:
-Lower your expectations! I used to mop my house twice a week, now I mop it once every 2 weeks. And that's okay!
-Divide things into two categories: Things I can do when the baby is awake and Things I can't. This will help you prioritize. Shower and put your feet up for an hour while she's asleep. Then put her in a baby gym or in a front pack and sweep or wash dishes when she's awake.
-Make double. When you do find time to cook, make double and throw it into ziplocs in the freezer. It will be there when you don't have time to cook.
-Think positively. I got into a serious cry, feel sorry for myself, rut when AV was about a month old. I had to change my point of view and things suddenly got way better!
-Do something for yourself. For me, it was taking myself to starbucks drive-thru and buying myself a magazine. I felt like I was important again and not just a milk cow! haha.
It DOES get better, or at the very least, you start adjusting to exhaustion!! Cuidate mucho y cuida a esa nena preciosa.
Post a Comment