I have actually been pretty reflective lately so I have about 10 potential blog posts in my head but unfortunately, usually have a baby in my arms or am doing one of the kazillion things I need to do while she sleeps so I haven't been able to write them all...
I did want to write about one insight I've gained though. For some reason, the past several days, Dani has been going through a couple hours in the early evening of crying unconsolably... She fusses throughout the day, but this particular time, she cries as hard as she possibly can- we walk, we talk to her, we sing, we turn her in almost every position imaginable, we're still, we're rocking, we've tried the binky, the hot water bottle, etc. and it just won't stop.
The only thing she is even temporarily consoled by seems to be nursing, which really isn't nursing because she really isn't hungry. She latches on, gives a couple sucks and then just hangs there, but as soon as I try to lay her down or even move her away, she freaks out. My mom was telling me last night to try to "trick" her and let her latch on and then slowly put a binky in her mouth instead, leaving her in the same position. I was watching her last night trying to do this and just thinking- why doesn't she know she's ok? I make up reasons she's crying since I don't know why she really is and last night I was thinking about how maybe she's crying because she's just scared we won't feed her or won't comfort her and she's too obsessed with being scared to realize that we are giving her everything she needs.
Maybe I am reading way to into this and really a tag is poking her or something (though I've checked for that) but as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about my own fears and how I often act the same way and start crying and worrying before anything has even actually happened and I become so consumed with being scared or worried, I can't seem to see that right now, I'm actually totally ok.
I was thinking a lot about how it's so beautiful to invite love into your life, in all forms- a new friendship, a spouse, a child, but the more you love, the scarier it is to lose that person. I was thinking a lot about how much I love Juan Carlos and how I just don't know what I'd do without him and now, how much I love Danali and I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I was thinking a lot about SIDS and about how that fear of losing her or something happening to her will be there my whole life as long as she's around... all of a sudden I felt my fear of loss start to become bigger than my love. My mom and sister reminded me that playing out a tragedy in your head isn't going to make it any easier if it actually happens so there's really no point in dwelling on it.
Lord, you are already teaching me lessons about You and Your love through our tiny child, just one month old. You know I love my family so much. Help me to let go of the fear so I can just focus on helping them to feel how much they're loved and enjoy the time you've given me with them. You know I have a tendency to want to plan and to worry when things don't seem to "be in place" Help me to let go of my concerns about work after maternity leave and thoughts of future kids and jobs and how we'll make it work. We never know when we'll meet the love of our life or when the "perfect" opportunity for work is right around the corner. Help me to trust you and know deep down that you are already giving me everything I need...
No comments:
Post a Comment