Today was hard. A good friend of mine at work found out she's pregnant. I want so badly to be happy for her, just like she was for me, but all these feelings and thoughts have been rushing in and I don't know what to do.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant. I am one office down from her. It was in the morning on September 11th and the doctor called. I called my mom and Haley overheard from her office and came in to congratulate me. She told me to go home that minute and tell Juan Carlos. How could I even think of waiting until after work? We laughed about his reaction and thought about how fun it would be if we got pregnant at the same time.
Like flashbacks, I remember those moments so well and then the moment I was lying there at UW in Seattle and they couldn't find a heartbeat and I swore it was a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. This wasn't supposed to happen! I was going to have my baby in April and go on maternity leave for the summer and then come back in August and Haley would have her baby and go on maternity leave. It worked perfectly with the academic year. I already had it marked on my calendar. We would cover for each other while the other one was out. Summer was slower for me and fall was slower for her. It couldn't be better! Plus we would only be 3 months apart! We would shop for baby clothes together and our babies could play together. Juan Carlos and I might have even be able to go to Mexico in December next year with our baby since it didn't work out this year. Even though it wasn't totally "planned," the end of March/ beginning of April was going to be the perfect time for us to have a baby... I even told Haley she had to wait to get pregnant until December so it would work out this way...
But no, all those plans and dreams got shattered with the devastating news in October- before people could tell me congratulations, they were sending me sympathy cards... most people never brought it up, like it never happened... the experience that is supposed to be pregnancy and motherhood was robbed from me. I was a mother who will never have a mother's day card or celebrate her child's baptism or birthday. I will never know what it's like to nurse or to feel a child kick inside of me. I know my little girl is safe in heaven, blessed with perfect peace and happiness. I'm the one left behind, left to ask what it is God wants from me... If it's not my plan that seemed so perfect, then what is it, God? I can't imagine something better- I don't see how it will all fit, how it will all work out...
Worst of all, I'm so angry at myself for being so self-centered about this. In my head I know that her having a baby does not mean anything for me, about whether I will or won't. I know I should just be happy for her. It doesn't change what was already my reality and my loss. It's just a reminder... a reminder that life keeps going, even when it seems somehow like it should stop and wait for me- a reminder that my plan isn't God's plan and a reminder that there are some things we can't see and we can't understand and we can't know and that's really when we must learn to rely on faith, when faith is the only stronghold we really have left...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
2 comments:
Janelle! I just stumbled upon your blog through Anna's - I often wonder where you are and what you are doing so it is fun to see now! Thanks for all your honesty on your blog and your deep thoughts - count on our prayers and trust in God's healing.
Janelle, I know how hard it is to lose your first baby. It's difficult to see the hand of God in the midst of such suffering. One thing that consoled me was really leaning on Our Lady -- she understands intimately what it's like to lose a child. I know that I had moments where I gave up all hope, and then God - not to be outdone in generosity - brought new life in our little Clare. Give me a call or email anytime. Count on our prayers. Love in Christ, Carrie
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