Faith going forward

I have always sought so much security in my life- I think that desire for security has driven many of the decisions I've made throughout my life. As I look back, though, and I look forward to the new year, I realize how critical faith is. Nothing, not my family or my husband or my education or my savings can protect me from loss or from suffering. I have to face the future with hope and find security in my faith.

I realized how much I've grown talking to my friend who recently became pregnant. She was expressing her concern about everything that could go wrong and we were talking about how, in my case, I was supposedly past the biggest "risk." I told her that she had to let it go because regardless of what happens, right now she is creating memories- whatever is going to happen will happen whether you worry or not and in the meantime, there's life to be lived and love to give and memories to make.

Losing another child or facing an incurable illness or losing a home or loved one are still thoughts that terrify me, but I am trying hard not to dwell on them and when they come into my head, I just say, "I trust you, God." Maybe life is not so much about going through the motions- college, marriage, babies, work, retirement, but rather about the lessons these experiences give us. And maybe the most important, life-changing lessons come from what we never expected or wanted for ourselves.

I asked my mom one day when I was having a hard time finding God, "but how can I know it will all be ok?" And she said, "Because it will... it won't always be easy but it will always be ok." My father also mentioned something I found interesting that with all the technology and new developments in our lives, it seems we're going in the wrong direction when it comes to suffering. There is something about our world that makes us think we should avoid suffering or that it won't have to be faced if we do things right- if we make the right decisions, buy the right things. Maybe it's all the marketing going to our heads... maybe it's our privileged lifestyle...maybe it's some kind of natural aversion to being uncomfortable.

I find it so interesting how Juan Carlos has reacted to everything so differently than me. He takes it all in stride- like no one ever told him bad things don't happen and that he was somehow free to be outside of the world of suffering that comes with life. He knows that sometimes moms have to leave their kids so the family can eat. He knows that sometimes the work people do put their lives at risk. He knows that opportunity isn't in his hometown, that families don't always get to spend Christmas together, that life is not a fairytale, people are not perfect, things don't always go right, and yet, life goes on and sometimes you get reunited with loved ones or find new people to love.

And so, on goes life and on goes time with the new year and on go I, perhaps a little less innocent than before, perhaps a little more hesitant, perhaps a little more real and less idealistic, but ever more confident that hope doesn't have to die and that happiness is in us taking the time to appreciate the simple moments of life - a life which really all in and of itself is "on loan" from an all-generous God. Many blessings and may this new year bring a renewed sense of hope and faith for you and your loved ones!!