I remember learning the story of my mother-in- law, who has gone through so many difficult things in her life. She lost her husband when she had 3 young boys and they were very poor, but she did her best to raise them with good values and discipline and provide for them. She had to leave them when they were still young to try to earn more money in Tijuana. She got pregnant unexpectedly and decided she wanted her baby to be born in the U.S., so she crossed the border and fended for herself in California for many years. She struggled to survive there as well for many years, until a man from Russia helped her by giving her a place to live and work. Her baby was born healthy, but later became very sick and now has a fairly severe form of cerebral palsey. Her little girl cannot speak or control her body movements. I don't think she was predicted to have lived past 10 years of age, though she just had her 10th birthday in October.
When I learned Amalia's story, I felt compelled to write her a letter and tell her how much I admired her and how strong she was. I remember talking to her once about it and asking her, "how could you have so much strength?" She simply said, "What choice did I have? I couldn't just give up and die. I had to do what I did." And I think about that often. I haven't had to face a lot of suffering before, so it's hard to know what to do with it, especially with such intense suffering. Juan Carlos tells me not to think about it. I can distract myself sometimes but the feelings sneak up on me and I'm not sure how to make them go away. I feel so weak and I get down on myself about it.
A friend wrote to me the other day though and told me I was strong and she admired me. It really touched me. I didn't even think of how meaningful it would be to hear that. But in the midst of feeling empty, feeling like a failure, feeling weak and tired and vulnerable, how reassuring and wonderful it is to know that is not all that people see in me. How wonderful to think that other people could even gain strength from seeing me get through this. It makes me feel like I have more purpose if I can inspire hope in others. Sometimes I, like my mother in law, feel I have no choice, so it's not real strength- maybe I'm just doing what I have to do. What else could I do? But, in a subtle way, everyday I wake up and face the day ahead I am making a choice- a choice to keep on living, to keep on loving, to keep on falling in love with God and His people regardless of whether they will be here tomorrow or not.
As my mother in law says, "The people in our lives, including our children, are loaned to us- they are not really ours, but God's. He just gives them to us for a time and He knows when He will take them back." It may seem almost cruel through our limited human perspectives that God would give us something, only to take it back, but we people have a hard time understanding love outside of time. We think that to love something is to want it, desire it, be attached to it forever (or at least for a very long time), but God knows that true love is to choose love, regardless of the fact we could lose what we love most at any time. To love a "guarantee" is not vulnerable. To love what you could lose is.
And I have and I've experienced loss, and I've wanted to give up and die or just stop wanting things so I wouldn't have to hurt like this again, but I think in the end not loving would be worse than losing what I love. And so regardless of whether people admire me or tell me I'm strong, I have to be strong for myself. I have to be proud of myself for the baby steps I have to take- for the times I can be happy for another pregnant woman, for the times I can be happy for what I have and not just sad for what I lost. I have to live the call to love whoever is in my life right now and have faith that God will bless me in that and give me the grace to continue regardless of what lies ahead.
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