Seeing or talking to other pregnant women I often think of how different my perspective is of pregnancy now. On an informational website talking about conceiving after miscarriage, I remember reading, "While other women's greatest worry is whether the nursery will be done on time, you can only sincerely hope that you'll be able to bring a healthy baby home." In a newsletter for the support group I go to, there was an announcement about a baby born healthy. The parents, who had previously miscarried, shared the name of their child and then said, "weight and length are not important- our baby arrived safely and that's all that really matters."
I can relate so much to these statements. Nurseries and baby showers seem like such small, unimportant matters in the big scheme of things- in the miracle of bringing a new life into the world... a miracle I have a deep appreciation for after facing what can go wrong. Childbirth happens so often. It seems so easy (aside from the incredible pain of course). For others, pregnancy and childbirth seem to happen like clockwork with no missing pieces, no surprises, no disappointments.
Sometimes I feel like I know an awful truth, an awful secret that others will never know or understand unless they too are forced into this place of suffering against their will and contrary to what they could ever imagine. It seems like a curse at times- a curse to be concerned with health rather than baby blankets and choosing colors for a nursery... why can't things be so easy? So joyful? So innocent and clear and right?
And sometimes I feel like maybe in my suffering, I've been given an incredible gift of clarity about what really matters and how precious life really is- not for the clothes, the strollers or cars, the toys we play with from infancy throughout our lives, but rather for the mere fact we made it here- that we were chosen in a very real way by God to come into this world and to live.
When things come easily, sometimes they are harder to appreciate. Just as people who lived through the Great Depression find it hard to throw even the smallest thing away, I, too, find myself clinging to every strand of life I have around me, as if going through a kind of spiritual drought or depression. God has shown me life is not something to be taken for granted- it's not even something that can be methodically "planned" or "unplanned" as people are surprised and disappointed by life's comings and goings every day, all the time.
As I fall into the trap of "hoping" we can parent a baby by a certain time of year or feeling anxious, impatient or even hopeless, I try to say a short prayer, "I trust you, God and I am yours."
I don't believe in "unwanted" children and certainly less now than ever before. I can't imagine a mother would not love and want her own child, but if it is the case that she doesn't "want" her child for whatever reason, I do. Therefore, that child is not "unwanted." I want so badly to have a child to love and care for. Having a healthy baby is such a gift- it's heartbreaking to think of people who take it for granted. Angelica, for whatever unknown reason, didn't have the chance to come into this world, but many children who would otherwise be able to live are killed by their own mothers and doctors through abortion- an extreme case of devaluing life and taking it for granted. How I wish I could impress upon all pregnant women how precious it is to have children when given the opportunity, how it rarely comes as one expects, but what a beautiful reminder it is of how little we control in life and who we must look to for strength, support, and guidance- the Creator and Giver of all babies- all small, pure, beautiful lives... the One who teaches us time and time again, sometimes through uncomfortable situations and sometimes through loss, what it is that really matters....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Clarification
Well, today I met again with my supervisor and asked about some of the seemingly harsh comments she had made. Thankfully, the conversation was productive and encouraging- it provided me with much needed clarification. In spite of the words she chose, I think her message was not as harsh as it appeared. Here are the highlights:
1) Be happy with "baby steps"- celebrate the small victories- few changes are made overnight- it's a process- be patient
2) Ask questions- you can learn from others- even if they don't have the answers, their perspective can lead you to the answers you're looking for or the wisdom you need in the moment
3) Focus on the issue, not the people- they may be "against" you today but could be your ally tomorrow- positioning yourself to face off against them will only cause you to lose in the end and grief in the process
4) Communicate in person, especially when it comes to complicated issues or delivering bad news or when working with people who are older- there is a lot you could learn from nonverbal communication about the way your news is being received that can allow you to adjust mid-way
So, today was an answered prayer that God would bring me through this challenging time by bringing some clarification and peace. I am hopeful about what I have to improve on and the potential I have to grow. Here we go again...
1) Be happy with "baby steps"- celebrate the small victories- few changes are made overnight- it's a process- be patient
2) Ask questions- you can learn from others- even if they don't have the answers, their perspective can lead you to the answers you're looking for or the wisdom you need in the moment
3) Focus on the issue, not the people- they may be "against" you today but could be your ally tomorrow- positioning yourself to face off against them will only cause you to lose in the end and grief in the process
4) Communicate in person, especially when it comes to complicated issues or delivering bad news or when working with people who are older- there is a lot you could learn from nonverbal communication about the way your news is being received that can allow you to adjust mid-way
So, today was an answered prayer that God would bring me through this challenging time by bringing some clarification and peace. I am hopeful about what I have to improve on and the potential I have to grow. Here we go again...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Evaluations & The Truth
Today was devastating for me. I have spent the past year at Saint Martin's University pouring my heart into my work managing the ESL program there. I have taken over ESL admissions and essentially started from scratch creating a checklist and admissions policies and systems. I have rewritten the course numbers and titles for the entire curriculum to correspond more closely to our sister schools' requirements for transferring credit back. I have revised the ESL program's section in the academic catalog, I have started doing instructor/class observations and evaluations, I have collaborated with faculty on a variety of student advising decisions, I have spent months and months trying to implement a TOEFL score requirement for a group of students transferring from Pudong Business School at Shanghai Maritime University because of a variety of issues I walked into when I started including:
1) Extensive problems with cheating and academic dishonesty
2) Emotional problems (students cutting off contact with parents, contemplating suicide, etc.)
3) Faculty feeling overwhelmed with English proficiency issues in the classroom
4) Students overwhelming the learning and writing center with English proficiency issues (can't keep up with reading, organize an essay, etc.)
Yet, today my supervisor, after admitting that she did not even realize I reported to her until the director of the office pointed it out to her last week, gave me a very brief and critical written evaluation, stating that I did not know the "boundary of my authority" and even though I was in charge of the ESL Program "does not mean I don't need to consult senior management on major decisions." She said I should learn to "focus on the issues and not allow them to become a personality conflict"
First of all, I cannot recall any "major decisions" I have made without consulting "senior management" The decision to use the TOEFL as an assessment tool and put students into ESL until they got a "passing score" was a decision made by our office in consult with a variety of departments on campus. It was a collaborative decision overturned by one or two people in consult with no one else as I remember.
Second of all, I do not recall having any "personality conflicts" as she puts it. I also don't remember ever losing sight of the issue. I was upset that our decision was overturned, primarily because I do not believe it is in the best interest of the students, but I never confronted anyone about it or challenged the decision, much less ended up in a "personality conflict".
Not only did her comments seem unjustified and even largely untrue, but she also failed to acknowledge any of my positive contributions and strengths. All of her feedback for me was focused around the fact that I struggled to accept the decision of a few to not require the need for a particular TOEFL score as an admissions requirement and that I did not defer to authority in the way she would like.
My dad said there are two ways to take this:
1) I'm a passionate new administrator with lots of ideas about how to improve things but I'm running into a lot of roadblocks at the institution OR
2) I'm kind of a loose cannon that does whatever I want and I'm just trying to push my own agenda
My perspective is certainly the first. I do not want someone to shower me with false compliments and tell lies, but I also think honest should be honest- the honest good with the honest bad- an acknowledgement of what is done well along with what is not and specific examples of times my work did not meet the expectations.
So the lesson of the day: Others do not always see things the way you do. Others may not recognize your strengths and contributions and sometimes you just have to believe in yourself. You have to know you're doing the logical thing, the ethical thing, the right thing, in spite of others who would have you believe you're crazy.
I guess if my main fault is fighting too hard, believing too much in the possibilities and the potential, than I'll take that- even if I'm seen as being ignorant to the "boundary of my authority" or creating "personality clashes." I know the truth and God knows the truth. I guess that will have to be enough for now...
1) Extensive problems with cheating and academic dishonesty
2) Emotional problems (students cutting off contact with parents, contemplating suicide, etc.)
3) Faculty feeling overwhelmed with English proficiency issues in the classroom
4) Students overwhelming the learning and writing center with English proficiency issues (can't keep up with reading, organize an essay, etc.)
Yet, today my supervisor, after admitting that she did not even realize I reported to her until the director of the office pointed it out to her last week, gave me a very brief and critical written evaluation, stating that I did not know the "boundary of my authority" and even though I was in charge of the ESL Program "does not mean I don't need to consult senior management on major decisions." She said I should learn to "focus on the issues and not allow them to become a personality conflict"
First of all, I cannot recall any "major decisions" I have made without consulting "senior management" The decision to use the TOEFL as an assessment tool and put students into ESL until they got a "passing score" was a decision made by our office in consult with a variety of departments on campus. It was a collaborative decision overturned by one or two people in consult with no one else as I remember.
Second of all, I do not recall having any "personality conflicts" as she puts it. I also don't remember ever losing sight of the issue. I was upset that our decision was overturned, primarily because I do not believe it is in the best interest of the students, but I never confronted anyone about it or challenged the decision, much less ended up in a "personality conflict".
Not only did her comments seem unjustified and even largely untrue, but she also failed to acknowledge any of my positive contributions and strengths. All of her feedback for me was focused around the fact that I struggled to accept the decision of a few to not require the need for a particular TOEFL score as an admissions requirement and that I did not defer to authority in the way she would like.
My dad said there are two ways to take this:
1) I'm a passionate new administrator with lots of ideas about how to improve things but I'm running into a lot of roadblocks at the institution OR
2) I'm kind of a loose cannon that does whatever I want and I'm just trying to push my own agenda
My perspective is certainly the first. I do not want someone to shower me with false compliments and tell lies, but I also think honest should be honest- the honest good with the honest bad- an acknowledgement of what is done well along with what is not and specific examples of times my work did not meet the expectations.
So the lesson of the day: Others do not always see things the way you do. Others may not recognize your strengths and contributions and sometimes you just have to believe in yourself. You have to know you're doing the logical thing, the ethical thing, the right thing, in spite of others who would have you believe you're crazy.
I guess if my main fault is fighting too hard, believing too much in the possibilities and the potential, than I'll take that- even if I'm seen as being ignorant to the "boundary of my authority" or creating "personality clashes." I know the truth and God knows the truth. I guess that will have to be enough for now...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Life on Loan
My mother in law told us after Angelica went home to heaven that I had to remember that children are just on loan to us- God knows when he will give them to us and when He will take them back. Somehow, that thought is comforting. Maybe it is because "loans" seem to be something more generous, not something we have a right to or deserve but rather a real gift. If the baby belonged to God from the beginning (and not only to me), than I can only be thankful for the time God let me spend with her. It's harder to be mad at Him for taking what was always His in the first place.
It's helped to me to look at a lot of different life scenarios differently. I see other children and realize they were "loaned" to their parents as the main caretakers but also "loaned" to the extended family they were born into and it makes me feel like I have more of a part in taking care of them in their lives too.
I see Juan Carlos and realize that someday he may not be with me on earth anymore and it makes me just want to soak in every moment I have with him, be more forgiving, less resentful. It helps me realize that time is precious and I must make the most of it.
I see my parents and think of what an incredible influence they've been on my life, how much I love them and need them, but how God has only loaned me to them and them to me- what an incredible gift- how difficult to lose someday, but what an incredible gift.
I said before that all this has taken my hope for having joy if I were to get pregnant again, but realizing that "life is on loan" (both my life and the lives of those around me), I can hardly cheat myself or others out of joy. It is tempting sometimes to melt into a state of self-pity, whether it's because it's easier or it draws more attention... but ultimately, I would have to look back on that time and think: where did it go? what good did I do? who did I help? who did I laugh with? what did I enjoy in my short time here on earth and how did I allow the new life inside me to change the people around him or her for good? Worry does not prevent the worst case scenario from happening- it only robs you of the time you have leading up to it...
In this time of economic difficulty, lost jobs, lost homes, and for some, lost lives, I hope we can remember that all of our material possessions as well as our loved ones are simply "on loan" from our Creator and sometimes we have to be without the things or people we love most to truly cherish what it is we've been given.
It's helped to me to look at a lot of different life scenarios differently. I see other children and realize they were "loaned" to their parents as the main caretakers but also "loaned" to the extended family they were born into and it makes me feel like I have more of a part in taking care of them in their lives too.
I see Juan Carlos and realize that someday he may not be with me on earth anymore and it makes me just want to soak in every moment I have with him, be more forgiving, less resentful. It helps me realize that time is precious and I must make the most of it.
I see my parents and think of what an incredible influence they've been on my life, how much I love them and need them, but how God has only loaned me to them and them to me- what an incredible gift- how difficult to lose someday, but what an incredible gift.
I said before that all this has taken my hope for having joy if I were to get pregnant again, but realizing that "life is on loan" (both my life and the lives of those around me), I can hardly cheat myself or others out of joy. It is tempting sometimes to melt into a state of self-pity, whether it's because it's easier or it draws more attention... but ultimately, I would have to look back on that time and think: where did it go? what good did I do? who did I help? who did I laugh with? what did I enjoy in my short time here on earth and how did I allow the new life inside me to change the people around him or her for good? Worry does not prevent the worst case scenario from happening- it only robs you of the time you have leading up to it...
In this time of economic difficulty, lost jobs, lost homes, and for some, lost lives, I hope we can remember that all of our material possessions as well as our loved ones are simply "on loan" from our Creator and sometimes we have to be without the things or people we love most to truly cherish what it is we've been given.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Two steps forward, one step back
Making "progress" through grief is a strange thing. It's not measurable in the same way as watching your savings account grow or counting the inches you've grown in a year. I find myself thinking about it often in terms of 2 steps forward and one step back. Some days I find myself in a state of acceptance or even hope and other days I feel resentful, angry and sad all over again. Recently, I've had some of those hard days, but thankfully, I've had some good support around me to make it easier. Namely, a friend from when I was at school at Western, has sent me a couple links to some blogs of people who have recently lost children of their own. One blog in particular carries insights that I could never put into words as eloquently as this woman does. Her perspective has helped me to see my own suffering differently and she reflects a lot of thoughts I've had but haven't been able to express, at least not this well. I hope that someday I will be in a place where I will have gained some perspective on my own suffering and possibly even have allowed this difficult time to transform my life for the better.
At a support group I've gone to a couple times, a father said that his children, on earth and in heaven have all changed his life in some way. If Angelica, in her short life, can teach me something about mine and change me for the better, I think God's purpose for her will have been fulfilled in some small way. I think taking someone else to heaven with us is certainly a life-worthy goal.
The mother in the blog talks about how others' love for their children or really for life in general can make the burden of those suffering a loss feel a bit lighter. So, my request of you today is to hug your loved ones a little tighter, have a little more patience, a little more compassion- hold your tongue when you want to complain and think of what you're thankful for instead. Affirm life in the name of Angelica and all the baby saints that were with us for too short a time. We are fortunate to be blessed with those with us- those who have gone before us can remind us of how precious and valuable life really is and how it is something not to be taken for granted.
For those interested in checking out the blog, please follow the following link:
http://makingthingsvisable.wordpress.com/
At a support group I've gone to a couple times, a father said that his children, on earth and in heaven have all changed his life in some way. If Angelica, in her short life, can teach me something about mine and change me for the better, I think God's purpose for her will have been fulfilled in some small way. I think taking someone else to heaven with us is certainly a life-worthy goal.
The mother in the blog talks about how others' love for their children or really for life in general can make the burden of those suffering a loss feel a bit lighter. So, my request of you today is to hug your loved ones a little tighter, have a little more patience, a little more compassion- hold your tongue when you want to complain and think of what you're thankful for instead. Affirm life in the name of Angelica and all the baby saints that were with us for too short a time. We are fortunate to be blessed with those with us- those who have gone before us can remind us of how precious and valuable life really is and how it is something not to be taken for granted.
For those interested in checking out the blog, please follow the following link:
http://makingthingsvisable.wordpress.com/
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Christmas and New Year's Eve
A brief summary of Christmas and New Year's Eve 2008:
December 24th- Juan Carlos's family came over for birria and tamales (yum!)
December 25th - We went to my parents' house, had breakfast, opened presents, went to a movie (while JC went to the Chinese buffet to cure his hangover), had dinner, watched CARS, the movie, and JC and I spent the night
December 28th- JC and I cooked for my Dad's side of the family who all came up to Olympia from Portland for a change- I made fresh tortillas (a personal highlight)
January 31st- We went to Amalia's apartment for pozole (it was wonderful!)
My parents gave us a new camcorder for Christmas, which we are really excited about so we can start recording memories a little better. I've included some pictures of our house from Christmas. Hopefully, I'll be able to share a lot more pictures over the coming year.
Our rooster clock...
Barstools and candles...
Our entertainment center- yes those are roosters on the top (I did not have complete control of the decor...)
Our stockings- hand-me-downs from my parents...
A 2009 Rooster Calendar from my mom (at least it "matches" everything else in the house!)
This is The Last Supper we have hanging in our dining room...
This is our nephew, Exequiel Junior with Christmas cards out on the table...
This is our Living Room....
Every year, my parents give us ornaments... This year, we got:
A rooster from a "third-world" country that goes to support someone's livelihood.
A symbol of Juan Carlos's heritage...
And a symbol of mine....
This was from last year.... The heart says "The Garcias 2007"
Our dining table....
The kitchen....
A mirror/barstool area- I love having the plants here...
The Christmas tree, the gas fireplace and our stockings hidden by a tamale pot...
December 24th- Juan Carlos's family came over for birria and tamales (yum!)
December 25th - We went to my parents' house, had breakfast, opened presents, went to a movie (while JC went to the Chinese buffet to cure his hangover), had dinner, watched CARS, the movie, and JC and I spent the night
December 28th- JC and I cooked for my Dad's side of the family who all came up to Olympia from Portland for a change- I made fresh tortillas (a personal highlight)
January 31st- We went to Amalia's apartment for pozole (it was wonderful!)
My parents gave us a new camcorder for Christmas, which we are really excited about so we can start recording memories a little better. I've included some pictures of our house from Christmas. Hopefully, I'll be able to share a lot more pictures over the coming year.
Our rooster clock...
Barstools and candles...
Our entertainment center- yes those are roosters on the top (I did not have complete control of the decor...)
Our stockings- hand-me-downs from my parents...
A 2009 Rooster Calendar from my mom (at least it "matches" everything else in the house!)
This is The Last Supper we have hanging in our dining room...
This is our nephew, Exequiel Junior with Christmas cards out on the table...
This is our Living Room....Every year, my parents give us ornaments... This year, we got:
A rooster from a "third-world" country that goes to support someone's livelihood.
A symbol of Juan Carlos's heritage...
And a symbol of mine....
This was from last year.... The heart says "The Garcias 2007"
Our dining table....
The kitchen....
A mirror/barstool area- I love having the plants here...
The Christmas tree, the gas fireplace and our stockings hidden by a tamale pot...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Paper Approved!!
Once upon a time, in the year of 2006 I started to pursue my masters degree in International Education through the SIT Graduate Institute www.sit.edu. Although many of my classmates have gone on to graduate before me, I am proud to say that today, one a half years and 70 pages later, my final capstone has been APPROVED!! I still need to go to Vermont the first week of February to present it formally before getting my masters, but now that my portfolio is approved, I can just enjoy the rest!!
I was so upset with myself and SIT when I did not get the necessary help or approval to be able to attend in November, but I have to say that having another couple months to put more time and thought into my paper has made me feel much prouder of my work. I am looking forward to sharing it with anyone who's interested. It is entitled: Recruiting with Purpose: A proposal to bring Latin American students to Saint Martin's University. I focus on how we might be able to attract Latin American students to Saint Martin's ESL program through a variety of tactics.
I chose this focus because of several reasons- one is that I hope to possibly become the director of an international office someday and recruiting is one of the areas I had no experience in, so I wanted to learn more about it. Also, I have personal reasons for wanting to make connections in Latin America, especially in Mexico. I have long hoped to be able to create educational exchange relationships with some schools near to Juan Carlos's hometown in Palma Grande, Nayarit, so that if we decide to move down there for a short time or need to live down there in the future I have some connections for work.
So, now the plan is in place and I just need to carry it out and put it into practice over the next couple years. Of course, in a time of great joy, I have to thank Juan Carlos for giving me much needed time to work on this, Haley, my good friend who has helped to give me ideas and edit my work and my parents and sisters, who have given me the love and support I need to persevere and finally complete my masters degree. It has not been easy, amidst getting married and having to face lots of personal challenges, hold down a full time job (and sometimes more than one) and find the time and energy to put the necessary work into this project, but with God's help, I've finally done it!!
Now, it's off to Vermont in February and hopefully, a celebration (in a new house???) afterwards to celebrate!! I'll keep you posted!
I was so upset with myself and SIT when I did not get the necessary help or approval to be able to attend in November, but I have to say that having another couple months to put more time and thought into my paper has made me feel much prouder of my work. I am looking forward to sharing it with anyone who's interested. It is entitled: Recruiting with Purpose: A proposal to bring Latin American students to Saint Martin's University. I focus on how we might be able to attract Latin American students to Saint Martin's ESL program through a variety of tactics.
I chose this focus because of several reasons- one is that I hope to possibly become the director of an international office someday and recruiting is one of the areas I had no experience in, so I wanted to learn more about it. Also, I have personal reasons for wanting to make connections in Latin America, especially in Mexico. I have long hoped to be able to create educational exchange relationships with some schools near to Juan Carlos's hometown in Palma Grande, Nayarit, so that if we decide to move down there for a short time or need to live down there in the future I have some connections for work.
So, now the plan is in place and I just need to carry it out and put it into practice over the next couple years. Of course, in a time of great joy, I have to thank Juan Carlos for giving me much needed time to work on this, Haley, my good friend who has helped to give me ideas and edit my work and my parents and sisters, who have given me the love and support I need to persevere and finally complete my masters degree. It has not been easy, amidst getting married and having to face lots of personal challenges, hold down a full time job (and sometimes more than one) and find the time and energy to put the necessary work into this project, but with God's help, I've finally done it!!
Now, it's off to Vermont in February and hopefully, a celebration (in a new house???) afterwards to celebrate!! I'll keep you posted!
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