Life on Loan

My mother in law told us after Angelica went home to heaven that I had to remember that children are just on loan to us- God knows when he will give them to us and when He will take them back. Somehow, that thought is comforting. Maybe it is because "loans" seem to be something more generous, not something we have a right to or deserve but rather a real gift. If the baby belonged to God from the beginning (and not only to me), than I can only be thankful for the time God let me spend with her. It's harder to be mad at Him for taking what was always His in the first place.

It's helped to me to look at a lot of different life scenarios differently. I see other children and realize they were "loaned" to their parents as the main caretakers but also "loaned" to the extended family they were born into and it makes me feel like I have more of a part in taking care of them in their lives too.

I see Juan Carlos and realize that someday he may not be with me on earth anymore and it makes me just want to soak in every moment I have with him, be more forgiving, less resentful. It helps me realize that time is precious and I must make the most of it.

I see my parents and think of what an incredible influence they've been on my life, how much I love them and need them, but how God has only loaned me to them and them to me- what an incredible gift- how difficult to lose someday, but what an incredible gift.

I said before that all this has taken my hope for having joy if I were to get pregnant again, but realizing that "life is on loan" (both my life and the lives of those around me), I can hardly cheat myself or others out of joy. It is tempting sometimes to melt into a state of self-pity, whether it's because it's easier or it draws more attention... but ultimately, I would have to look back on that time and think: where did it go? what good did I do? who did I help? who did I laugh with? what did I enjoy in my short time here on earth and how did I allow the new life inside me to change the people around him or her for good? Worry does not prevent the worst case scenario from happening- it only robs you of the time you have leading up to it...

In this time of economic difficulty, lost jobs, lost homes, and for some, lost lives, I hope we can remember that all of our material possessions as well as our loved ones are simply "on loan" from our Creator and sometimes we have to be without the things or people we love most to truly cherish what it is we've been given.