Well, this birthday was hard for me- partly because it falls right around the time our little girl would have been born and partly because I've been struggling to accept my present circumstances and how I want so many things for myself and for Juan Carlos that just aren't our reality right now.
In spite of my disappointment and frustration, though, I do realize I have so much to be grateful for, especially my family and my husband. I'm also thankful to have work and a place to live and another year of life.
I recently took the time to write "25 random things about me" so for my 25th birthday, here's a snapshot of who I am today:
1) I have always loved horses and wanted to live on a farm.
2) Losing my baby girl was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
3) I miss being in theatre and I want to be in a play again someday.
4) I got my certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages because I wanted to teach Juan Carlos (my husband) English.
5) I would love to have at least 4 kids.
6) If we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom in the future, I would.
7) I plan everything- I reserved a place for our wedding reception before Juan Carlos had asked me to marry him.
8) When I was little, I folded my sister up in the hide-a-bed couch.
9) I used to be so shy, I would write out a “script” for myself if I had to call the store to see what time it closed.
10) I’m passionate.
11) I can’t stand working for people who are not logical or will not communicate the reasons behind their decisions.
12) Injustice is one of the only things that makes me really angry.
13) I had to drop out of IB Spanish in high school because I was so bad at it, but later went on to major in it in college. Now, I speak Spanish at home.
14) I’ve always had a natural, pretty useless gift for diagramming sentences.
15) I really want to be in a position at work where I can make decisions, make changes and make a difference.
16) I love my sisters and my parents more than I have ever told them or could ever tell them.
17) I studied abroad in Mexico and in Chile.
18) I met my husband at a Mexican restaurant called Los Pinos de Lacey- I got laid off after only a month of working there, but it was enough time for us to meet.
19) I've always had an interest in being an immigration lawyer.
20) I am easily influenced by people I love.
21) I wish I was stronger and more confident than I am.
22) I value simplicity.
23) I am Catholic and I’ve always had a strong faith.
24) I love to laugh.
25) My graduate school and especially my classmates there had a significant influence on how I see the world.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Suffering for a Reason
"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" Philippians 1:29
What is it about suffering for someone or something that makes it so much easier to bear? I've heard people say that childbirth is the most painful experience they've ever had but it's all worth it because they are able to give birth to a new life. Likewise, it seems like many people, for a good reason, are willing and sometimes even happy to suffer.
It is when we find ourselves asking "why? what's the purpose?" that our suffering seems nearly impossible to bear. I have spent months searching for a reason, a purpose to make it all worth while. I have thought that maybe since we live in a fallen world and miscarriage is a part of it, that there have to be a percentage of women that go through it. Since no one in my immediate or extended family has had to go through it, I would go through it so they didn't have to. I would take on this burden. Of course it wasn't my choice, and honestly, I still struggled to be "happy" about it, even with this perspective, but at least it would be easier to accept than the idea that I am just "unlucky" or it's random and there's no real purpose- it's just purposeless suffering.
Shortly after we found out Angelica didn't make it, I was reunited with an old friend through the internet. She told me to make the most of this time and that it had the potential to make me a saint. I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words have come up again and again for me the last several months. What can I do? How can I give purpose to this time that I just want to end? I just want to be out of this "valley" and on my way up the mountain again, full of hope and passion and purpose. I think about "being a saint" and I think about praying, but I don't know what to say to God, except beg Him to let this be over, to show me why I have to go through this, and ask for His strength because I feel I have none of my own left.
I remember so well a bible study night I had with a group of peer ministers from the Catholic Campus Ministry at Western. We were in the basement of Sacred Heart talking about suffering and scripture on suffering. It was so much easier for me to talk about than it has been for me to go through. Then, today, I saw the verse at the top of this blog. I don't really know what it means, but I guess it makes sense to me that if Christ suffered so much for me and my sins on this earth, that I could "suffer for Him" too. I don't really know how to go about that, except to just start offering it up. If you have any responses, ideas or thoughts to share, feel free... I'd love to hear them.
What is it about suffering for someone or something that makes it so much easier to bear? I've heard people say that childbirth is the most painful experience they've ever had but it's all worth it because they are able to give birth to a new life. Likewise, it seems like many people, for a good reason, are willing and sometimes even happy to suffer.
It is when we find ourselves asking "why? what's the purpose?" that our suffering seems nearly impossible to bear. I have spent months searching for a reason, a purpose to make it all worth while. I have thought that maybe since we live in a fallen world and miscarriage is a part of it, that there have to be a percentage of women that go through it. Since no one in my immediate or extended family has had to go through it, I would go through it so they didn't have to. I would take on this burden. Of course it wasn't my choice, and honestly, I still struggled to be "happy" about it, even with this perspective, but at least it would be easier to accept than the idea that I am just "unlucky" or it's random and there's no real purpose- it's just purposeless suffering.
Shortly after we found out Angelica didn't make it, I was reunited with an old friend through the internet. She told me to make the most of this time and that it had the potential to make me a saint. I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words have come up again and again for me the last several months. What can I do? How can I give purpose to this time that I just want to end? I just want to be out of this "valley" and on my way up the mountain again, full of hope and passion and purpose. I think about "being a saint" and I think about praying, but I don't know what to say to God, except beg Him to let this be over, to show me why I have to go through this, and ask for His strength because I feel I have none of my own left.
I remember so well a bible study night I had with a group of peer ministers from the Catholic Campus Ministry at Western. We were in the basement of Sacred Heart talking about suffering and scripture on suffering. It was so much easier for me to talk about than it has been for me to go through. Then, today, I saw the verse at the top of this blog. I don't really know what it means, but I guess it makes sense to me that if Christ suffered so much for me and my sins on this earth, that I could "suffer for Him" too. I don't really know how to go about that, except to just start offering it up. If you have any responses, ideas or thoughts to share, feel free... I'd love to hear them.
Monday, March 23, 2009
When bad things happen...
After reflecting a lot on some of the challenges we've faced over the last year, I've also been noticing how common it is for people to want to justify or give reasons for why bad things happen. I remember being young and hearing about a classmate's mother who was dying of lung cancer. I asked my mom, "did she smoke?" "Did she eat unhealthy?" "Did she...?" "Did she...?" To all of my questions wondering what this woman did wrong or what her family did wrong to have this happen, my mother merely answered, "no" I was searching for answers that weren't there. I remember that being the first time in my life that I felt true fear- that I realized even if I do everything "right" which of course I don't and none of us do, but even if we did, bad things can still happen.
Thankfully, I was able to go about the rest of my childhood and young adult life fairly unaffected by this phenomenon, as I never really had to face many difficult realities growing up. Unfortunately, it has made recent events that much harder to handle, since I have had no experience, skill or coping mechanisms for how to get through hard things. I realize many people around me face some of the same challenges for coping.
I have wondered often about what people think when they hear my baby died - if my aunts tell my cousins it was because I didn't take good care of myself, so my cousins never have to worry it will happen to them or if my sisters in law and mother in law talk about things I ate or drank that caused this to happen. Or if my coworkers talk about why I was on the "wrong" side of statistics. Maybe I think about that because a part of me would want to do that- want to explain it away, so I wouldn't feel vulnerable to the same sad fate.
Yet, if we're really honest with ourselves, we know we are. That's what scares us- that we're not all that far apart from the people who lost all their savings in stock investments, who have high medical bills and can't make house payments, from people whose parents die too early or whose children are never born. We're not all that different. We wish we were, so we could protect ourselves, reason with ourselves about why they "deserve" what they have and we "deserve" what we have, but this is where the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" good old capitalist philosophy of "you get what you deserve" doesn't always come through for us. This is where God would seem to make chaos of our reason, throwing all our dreams and well-thought out plans up into the air and letting them fall at will.
Some dreams we may see again and others are lost forever. So, what's the point? What "lesson" does this teach us? What behavior does this reinforce? What does God want us to get out of this awesome, and yet, sometimes, seemingly cruel experience we call life?
For as much as we control and achieve and "work for" and for as much as it serves us in the land of opportunity, we are far behind our "third world" neighbors in learning that none of it is ours- not our homes or our cars or our schools or societies, not even our spouses and our children. This is the lesson of lent- "Remember that you come from dust and to dust you shall return" None of it matters except in how it will bring us closer to God. And, for that, "bad things" hold as much opportunity as "the good." It's not easy to see- we want to be like the person in the footprints poem that assumes God leaves us to walk by ourselves in those most difficult times- that when there are no "blessings" as we would have them, we are sinful and God is far from us.
How often we miss the point- that sometimes what happens to us, where we live, what kind of car we drive or even how many children we can bring into the world are the most irrelevant aspects of life, since these things do not inherently enable us to love any more or any less. They only provide us opportunities- opportunities to choose what to do next.
A part of me wishes I could explain away our loss because that would be easy. Then, I could assure myself that doing things differently the next time, I could shield myself from ever experiencing that kind of pain again. Yet, countless examples of people who did everything "wrong" and have a healthy baby at the end of it are another way God has kept me from falling into this tempting trap and remembering that I have everything I need to live a purposeful life right now, just as those who face much less suffering and those who face much more suffering do. Because love is always there- it's always there to be chosen, to be taken- it is why bad things can happen and we can still find hope.
Thankfully, I was able to go about the rest of my childhood and young adult life fairly unaffected by this phenomenon, as I never really had to face many difficult realities growing up. Unfortunately, it has made recent events that much harder to handle, since I have had no experience, skill or coping mechanisms for how to get through hard things. I realize many people around me face some of the same challenges for coping.
I have wondered often about what people think when they hear my baby died - if my aunts tell my cousins it was because I didn't take good care of myself, so my cousins never have to worry it will happen to them or if my sisters in law and mother in law talk about things I ate or drank that caused this to happen. Or if my coworkers talk about why I was on the "wrong" side of statistics. Maybe I think about that because a part of me would want to do that- want to explain it away, so I wouldn't feel vulnerable to the same sad fate.
Yet, if we're really honest with ourselves, we know we are. That's what scares us- that we're not all that far apart from the people who lost all their savings in stock investments, who have high medical bills and can't make house payments, from people whose parents die too early or whose children are never born. We're not all that different. We wish we were, so we could protect ourselves, reason with ourselves about why they "deserve" what they have and we "deserve" what we have, but this is where the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" good old capitalist philosophy of "you get what you deserve" doesn't always come through for us. This is where God would seem to make chaos of our reason, throwing all our dreams and well-thought out plans up into the air and letting them fall at will.
Some dreams we may see again and others are lost forever. So, what's the point? What "lesson" does this teach us? What behavior does this reinforce? What does God want us to get out of this awesome, and yet, sometimes, seemingly cruel experience we call life?
For as much as we control and achieve and "work for" and for as much as it serves us in the land of opportunity, we are far behind our "third world" neighbors in learning that none of it is ours- not our homes or our cars or our schools or societies, not even our spouses and our children. This is the lesson of lent- "Remember that you come from dust and to dust you shall return" None of it matters except in how it will bring us closer to God. And, for that, "bad things" hold as much opportunity as "the good." It's not easy to see- we want to be like the person in the footprints poem that assumes God leaves us to walk by ourselves in those most difficult times- that when there are no "blessings" as we would have them, we are sinful and God is far from us.
How often we miss the point- that sometimes what happens to us, where we live, what kind of car we drive or even how many children we can bring into the world are the most irrelevant aspects of life, since these things do not inherently enable us to love any more or any less. They only provide us opportunities- opportunities to choose what to do next.
A part of me wishes I could explain away our loss because that would be easy. Then, I could assure myself that doing things differently the next time, I could shield myself from ever experiencing that kind of pain again. Yet, countless examples of people who did everything "wrong" and have a healthy baby at the end of it are another way God has kept me from falling into this tempting trap and remembering that I have everything I need to live a purposeful life right now, just as those who face much less suffering and those who face much more suffering do. Because love is always there- it's always there to be chosen, to be taken- it is why bad things can happen and we can still find hope.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Being Married
I love it when God's plans and my plans coincide- granted sometimes the way things finally work out are not the way I always imagined they would, but ultimately, there are certain choices and paths in my life that I would never want any other way.
One of those is being married. I am so at peace being my husband's wife. I really feel that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to be married to such an incredible man. He is by no means perfect, but I can tell God gave him to me because he is almost always what I need.
Going through what we've gone through in our first year of marriage has not been easy and we have not always gotten along or understood each other perfectly. But, overall, I really believe I am happier being married than I ever was being single. I love going home to Juan Carlos at the end of the day- making dinner together, playing together, cuddling on the couch together. I love watching the way he adds salt to food or brushes his teeth or the way he moves his eyes as he looks for videos of his hometown and boxing matches online.
I love the laughter and the joy in our house, even just the two of us. Many a morning, the alarm has sounded at 6:15am and Juan Carlos has jumped out of bed and started singing. It is hard to have a "bad morning" when it starts off with a song.
He seems lightyears beyond me in his maturity sometimes, always giving me a new perspective and sharing advice. He is so hard working, never wanting to miss even one day of work. Yet, he is also child-like in his love of humor and joy for life. I love how much I laugh when I'm with him.
Sometimes thinking about marriage makes me want children even more, as if to say "See God? That worked out! This will too!" But I think back to some of my "original" plans about who I would marry and how things would go, and I'm so glad God had His way and I didn't have mine! It's hard to trust right now, but at least I have a few examples of times things have worked out to fall back on. And at least right now in the journey, I have an incredible partner to walk with me, to lift me up, and to encourage me to keep going. What an amazing gift!
One of those is being married. I am so at peace being my husband's wife. I really feel that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to be married to such an incredible man. He is by no means perfect, but I can tell God gave him to me because he is almost always what I need.
Going through what we've gone through in our first year of marriage has not been easy and we have not always gotten along or understood each other perfectly. But, overall, I really believe I am happier being married than I ever was being single. I love going home to Juan Carlos at the end of the day- making dinner together, playing together, cuddling on the couch together. I love watching the way he adds salt to food or brushes his teeth or the way he moves his eyes as he looks for videos of his hometown and boxing matches online.
I love the laughter and the joy in our house, even just the two of us. Many a morning, the alarm has sounded at 6:15am and Juan Carlos has jumped out of bed and started singing. It is hard to have a "bad morning" when it starts off with a song.
He seems lightyears beyond me in his maturity sometimes, always giving me a new perspective and sharing advice. He is so hard working, never wanting to miss even one day of work. Yet, he is also child-like in his love of humor and joy for life. I love how much I laugh when I'm with him.
Sometimes thinking about marriage makes me want children even more, as if to say "See God? That worked out! This will too!" But I think back to some of my "original" plans about who I would marry and how things would go, and I'm so glad God had His way and I didn't have mine! It's hard to trust right now, but at least I have a few examples of times things have worked out to fall back on. And at least right now in the journey, I have an incredible partner to walk with me, to lift me up, and to encourage me to keep going. What an amazing gift!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Discernment
Sometimes, when there are no green lights and things don't seem to be falling into place, I'm tempted to take it as God giving me a sign I need to be doing something else. With our struggles finding a house and having a baby, I have started to wonder- is this really God's intention for us? Did he put this on my heart or did I put it on my own?
My sister wrote me this email today. She is incredibly eloquent and insightful. Her thoughts resonated with me (and echoed some of the things I've been hearing from my mom and Juan Carlos) I just wanted to share her email in case her words offer insight or encouragement to anyone else as well....
I talked to mom last night and we got into a discussion about discernment. I know you've been concerned lately with questions about "what does God want for me/my life?" and I certainly don't have any answers to THAT per se, but I thought I'd share with you my strategy for handling those kinds of thoughts and also a few things that I learned in my Ignatian Spirituality class, where we talked a lot about discerning God's will and paying attention to the way the Spirit moves in you when you make decisions, or even think about making certain decisions.
I, personally, tend to think that if God is giving me signs about what to do with my life, then they have been very cryptic and I am not paying attention well enough to ever know whether a "sign" is even from God, or the devil, or coincidence or my own doing. So i guess I gave up on knowing what God wanted from me a long time ago and just decided to figure out what I wanted and what would make me happy. (This seemed like the second-best option considering I would be in a constant state of bafflement if i attempted the best option, which would be knowing God's plan for me).
Then, in my Ignatian Spirituality class, an interesting idea was put forth: since God has already put His/Her spirit inside of us, since we all are made with pieces of divinity, we need only to look into ourselves to understand the divine will. When we are honest with our truest selves, what we want is what God wants. God would never have a will for us that would make us miserable; S/He could only will for us a life journey that would ultimately result in incredible joy and satisfaction. So, I guess what I'm saying is that, from this perspective, one needn't look for external cues or signs to know what divine will is, because it's already inside every person, and the way to access it is to be brutally honest, to tear back the layers of desires that come from societal pressures and others' expectations, etc. and look at who you are as your more divine self (like those monks you met in Tijuana who each seemed to know who they were so well...), and from there you can start reaching some honest answers about how to live your life. This is essentially what prayer and meditation are: a time and an opportunity to be quiet and just listen to what's going on inside of you. Some people think they're listening to God, other people think they're listening to their own internal workings. To me, it's all the same based on the idea that we carry divine awareness within us.
And to me, it's far less about the "what" of it (what career, what house, what boyfriend) than about the "how" of it... (am I living my life with a balanced, peaceful mind and with love towards those around me; am I allowing myself to be happy even when the things that are "supposed to" make me happy aren't happening? am I making my decisions in a state of peace and self-acceptance?)
Anyway, I guess that was a long-winded way of encouraging you to indulge in what I am going to call "your own divine selfishness".... that is, trusting that what YOU want is 100% compatible with what God wants for you. So you might be thinking "well, I want a house and a baby...." and that could very well be true. But I have a hunch that those, because they are external things, are really representations of an internal state that you want to have -- a state of security, purpose, selflessly loving a person who needs you, coziness, building your own strong family, etc. And those internal states are available to you now and always. You can have it now AND have it later, along with the house and the baby =) Being happy now will not get rid of your desires for a baby and a house -- it will just prepare you to handle those things more flexibly, without your happiness being so attached to them once you have them. (And you will!!)
I have to emphasize here that it's not as though I know what I'm doing.... I like to think I know what I'm talking about from a philosophical standpoint, but I guarantee you my boss would say I do not have a very solid grasp on the practical applications of mindfulness. All I can say is that these ideas have helped me so far... so maybe you'll find them helpful too.
My sister wrote me this email today. She is incredibly eloquent and insightful. Her thoughts resonated with me (and echoed some of the things I've been hearing from my mom and Juan Carlos) I just wanted to share her email in case her words offer insight or encouragement to anyone else as well....
I talked to mom last night and we got into a discussion about discernment. I know you've been concerned lately with questions about "what does God want for me/my life?" and I certainly don't have any answers to THAT per se, but I thought I'd share with you my strategy for handling those kinds of thoughts and also a few things that I learned in my Ignatian Spirituality class, where we talked a lot about discerning God's will and paying attention to the way the Spirit moves in you when you make decisions, or even think about making certain decisions.
I, personally, tend to think that if God is giving me signs about what to do with my life, then they have been very cryptic and I am not paying attention well enough to ever know whether a "sign" is even from God, or the devil, or coincidence or my own doing. So i guess I gave up on knowing what God wanted from me a long time ago and just decided to figure out what I wanted and what would make me happy. (This seemed like the second-best option considering I would be in a constant state of bafflement if i attempted the best option, which would be knowing God's plan for me).
Then, in my Ignatian Spirituality class, an interesting idea was put forth: since God has already put His/Her spirit inside of us, since we all are made with pieces of divinity, we need only to look into ourselves to understand the divine will. When we are honest with our truest selves, what we want is what God wants. God would never have a will for us that would make us miserable; S/He could only will for us a life journey that would ultimately result in incredible joy and satisfaction. So, I guess what I'm saying is that, from this perspective, one needn't look for external cues or signs to know what divine will is, because it's already inside every person, and the way to access it is to be brutally honest, to tear back the layers of desires that come from societal pressures and others' expectations, etc. and look at who you are as your more divine self (like those monks you met in Tijuana who each seemed to know who they were so well...), and from there you can start reaching some honest answers about how to live your life. This is essentially what prayer and meditation are: a time and an opportunity to be quiet and just listen to what's going on inside of you. Some people think they're listening to God, other people think they're listening to their own internal workings. To me, it's all the same based on the idea that we carry divine awareness within us.
And to me, it's far less about the "what" of it (what career, what house, what boyfriend) than about the "how" of it... (am I living my life with a balanced, peaceful mind and with love towards those around me; am I allowing myself to be happy even when the things that are "supposed to" make me happy aren't happening? am I making my decisions in a state of peace and self-acceptance?)
Anyway, I guess that was a long-winded way of encouraging you to indulge in what I am going to call "your own divine selfishness".... that is, trusting that what YOU want is 100% compatible with what God wants for you. So you might be thinking "well, I want a house and a baby...." and that could very well be true. But I have a hunch that those, because they are external things, are really representations of an internal state that you want to have -- a state of security, purpose, selflessly loving a person who needs you, coziness, building your own strong family, etc. And those internal states are available to you now and always. You can have it now AND have it later, along with the house and the baby =) Being happy now will not get rid of your desires for a baby and a house -- it will just prepare you to handle those things more flexibly, without your happiness being so attached to them once you have them. (And you will!!)
I have to emphasize here that it's not as though I know what I'm doing.... I like to think I know what I'm talking about from a philosophical standpoint, but I guarantee you my boss would say I do not have a very solid grasp on the practical applications of mindfulness. All I can say is that these ideas have helped me so far... so maybe you'll find them helpful too.
Monday, March 9, 2009
The Whole Story
There's a story I heard a long time ago but was recently reminded of. It speaks to the fact that life is made up of moments- joyful and difficult, but that they all weave together to create a much bigger story than we can ever see in any given moment. It's a fable from Brazil that Max Lucado has translated.
Once there was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all, for he owned a beautiful white horse. Even the king coveted his treasure. A horse like this had never been seen before—such was its splendor, its majesty, its strength. People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great. But he never sold the horse.
One morning he found that the horse was not in the stable. All the village came to see him. "You old fool," they scoffed, "we told you that someone would steal your horse. We warned you that you would be robbed. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. No amount would have been too high. Now the horse is gone, and you’ve been cursed with misfortune." The old man responded, "Don’t speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. If I’ve been cursed or not, how can you know? How can you judge?" The people contested, "Don’t make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed. The simple fact that your horse is gone is a curse." The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty, and the horse is gone. The rest I don’t know. Whether it be a curse or a blessing, I can’t say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"The people of the village laughed. They thought that the man was crazy. They had always thought he was fool; if he wasn’t, he would have sold the horse and lived off the money. But instead, he was a poor woodcutter, an old man still cutting firewood and dragging it out of the forest and selling it. He lived hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now he had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.
After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn’t been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned, he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke. "Old man, you were right and we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."The man responded, "Once again, you go too far. Say only that the horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don’t judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read only one page of a book. Can you judge the whole book? You read only one word of a phrase. Can you understand the entire phrase?" Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! Don’t say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don’t."
"Maybe the old man is right," they said to one another. So they said little. But down deep, they knew he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.
The old man had a son, an only son. The young man began to break the wild horses. After a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgements."You were right," they said. "You proved you were right. The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever." The old man spoke again. "You people are obsessed with judging. Don’t go so far. Say only that my son broke his legs. Who knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment. Life comes in fragments."
It so happened that a few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded, because he was injured. Once again the people gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. There was little chance that they would return. The enemy was strong, and the war would be a losing struggle. They would never see their sons again."You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Your son’s accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever.
"The old man spoke again. "It is impossible to talk with you. You always draw conclusions. No one knows. Say only this: Your sons had to go to war, and mine did not. No one knows if it is a blessing or a curse. No one is wise enough to know. Only God knows."
The story could go on and on, but it ends here. I think I have played the part of the villagers often the past several months- judging quickly whatever is happening, saying that things are clearly blessings and curses. I found this story on another blog, where the woman was talking about an experience where a neighbor died and her son experienced a serious accident and lived. She was talking about how we talk about "God's grace" and "God's blessing" when things go as we would hope- when people live, stolen goods are returned, everyone's' healthy and safe. Yet, we hesitate to talk about "God's blessing" when it comes to events that are less than appealing. What does that mean though? That God blesses us in moments and withholds His blessing in others? Does the same God who gives also take? Can we accept this? And is His blessing ever really absent? Or is it like the Footprints poem, that when we feel we have been abandoned, that God wants to keep some blessing, some cure, some joy from us, that it is in those moments He is actually carrying us.
My prayer on my birthday last year when we were waiting for the agents to check the VIN number on the denali was over and over again, "YOUR will be done." I couldn't believe it when they told us they were seizing the vehicle and we would be left without anything. How could this have been God's will? Did he want us to suffer? Was He trying to teach us some kind of lesson? Punish us somehow? But no, I think God's will may not be so much in the circumstances of a fallen world, but rather in our seeking His will as a response. I don't believe He wills for bad to happen, but rather wills for us to follow Him in spite of what happens- good or bad. He uses good to pull us closer to Him and He uses bad for the same purpose... if we let Him.
Once there was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all, for he owned a beautiful white horse. Even the king coveted his treasure. A horse like this had never been seen before—such was its splendor, its majesty, its strength. People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great. But he never sold the horse.
One morning he found that the horse was not in the stable. All the village came to see him. "You old fool," they scoffed, "we told you that someone would steal your horse. We warned you that you would be robbed. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. No amount would have been too high. Now the horse is gone, and you’ve been cursed with misfortune." The old man responded, "Don’t speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. If I’ve been cursed or not, how can you know? How can you judge?" The people contested, "Don’t make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed. The simple fact that your horse is gone is a curse." The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty, and the horse is gone. The rest I don’t know. Whether it be a curse or a blessing, I can’t say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"The people of the village laughed. They thought that the man was crazy. They had always thought he was fool; if he wasn’t, he would have sold the horse and lived off the money. But instead, he was a poor woodcutter, an old man still cutting firewood and dragging it out of the forest and selling it. He lived hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now he had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.
After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn’t been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned, he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke. "Old man, you were right and we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."The man responded, "Once again, you go too far. Say only that the horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don’t judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read only one page of a book. Can you judge the whole book? You read only one word of a phrase. Can you understand the entire phrase?" Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! Don’t say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don’t."
"Maybe the old man is right," they said to one another. So they said little. But down deep, they knew he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.
The old man had a son, an only son. The young man began to break the wild horses. After a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgements."You were right," they said. "You proved you were right. The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever." The old man spoke again. "You people are obsessed with judging. Don’t go so far. Say only that my son broke his legs. Who knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment. Life comes in fragments."
It so happened that a few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded, because he was injured. Once again the people gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. There was little chance that they would return. The enemy was strong, and the war would be a losing struggle. They would never see their sons again."You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Your son’s accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever.
"The old man spoke again. "It is impossible to talk with you. You always draw conclusions. No one knows. Say only this: Your sons had to go to war, and mine did not. No one knows if it is a blessing or a curse. No one is wise enough to know. Only God knows."
The story could go on and on, but it ends here. I think I have played the part of the villagers often the past several months- judging quickly whatever is happening, saying that things are clearly blessings and curses. I found this story on another blog, where the woman was talking about an experience where a neighbor died and her son experienced a serious accident and lived. She was talking about how we talk about "God's grace" and "God's blessing" when things go as we would hope- when people live, stolen goods are returned, everyone's' healthy and safe. Yet, we hesitate to talk about "God's blessing" when it comes to events that are less than appealing. What does that mean though? That God blesses us in moments and withholds His blessing in others? Does the same God who gives also take? Can we accept this? And is His blessing ever really absent? Or is it like the Footprints poem, that when we feel we have been abandoned, that God wants to keep some blessing, some cure, some joy from us, that it is in those moments He is actually carrying us.
My prayer on my birthday last year when we were waiting for the agents to check the VIN number on the denali was over and over again, "YOUR will be done." I couldn't believe it when they told us they were seizing the vehicle and we would be left without anything. How could this have been God's will? Did he want us to suffer? Was He trying to teach us some kind of lesson? Punish us somehow? But no, I think God's will may not be so much in the circumstances of a fallen world, but rather in our seeking His will as a response. I don't believe He wills for bad to happen, but rather wills for us to follow Him in spite of what happens- good or bad. He uses good to pull us closer to Him and He uses bad for the same purpose... if we let Him.
Friday, March 6, 2009
A lesson in humility
I've always considered myself a fairly "humble" person- not quick to make mention of what I'm good at, and if forced to talk about my "strengths" I usually make comments to downplay whatever strength I'm talking about, "well, I'm by no means an expert, but I do feel this students' English proficiency is not quite where it should be"
However, I've also always had this side of me that longs to be "special". I think this side of me has come out in my passion and love for theatre over many years of my youth- having a role to play, especially being the "main part" has given me a sense of belonging and purpose- a "reason" for being there. I was needed, depended on, people recognized that- I felt special.
Juan Carlos and I visited his mother one day and she was talking about how Juan Carlos's brother and his girlfriend at the time were planning on getting married. She asked to see my wedding ring and proceeded to tell me how it looked exactly the same as the wedding rings of my sister in law and my soon to be sister in law.
I remember driving home that day, and asking Juan Carlos bluntly, "Why does your mom think I don't want to be special?"
It's hard for me to go to work, put in 100% effort and either go unrecognized or scolded for crossing some invisible line I didn't even know was there. Then, to go home and try to put on a happy face for Juan Carlos, find the energy to go through the daily routine, washing dishes, doing laundry, feeling like I have no grand part to play, no particular God-given purpose. This has been a part of what I've been struggling with lately I think. Am I prouder than I think? Do I need to "be special" to be happy and if so, why?
Why can't I go about my work, be thankful I even have a job in this horrible economy, when so many do not, come home, do nothing special, think nothing special, be nothing special and be satisfied? I really don't believe that everyone who is joyful or genuinely happy somehow convinces themselves of their "specialness" day in and day out. I think it comes from a deeper satisfaction and contentment with not needing to be "special"- at least not "special" in the eyes of other people by getting recognition or kudos for a job well done. I think humility and self-confidence actually go hand in hand quite often and I think I've been lacking a little of each.
There is a quiet, confident beauty about a woman who can go about her life, patiently working in and out of the home, her efforts seen only by her all-knowing, all-seeing God, not expecting blessings in life as if she "deserved" them but being open to them all the same.
Lord, I am not always content with the life I lead- I long to be a changemaker, a mover, a shaker, somebody filled with passion and purpose and life. Show me I do not need to prove myself- YOU know me, you know what I'm capable of, you know what I would do if given the chance- that's all that matters. Show me that I always have the opportunity to change lives around me, through kind notes, cards, and flowers, regardless of my position at work and whether people listen to me or not. Show me that my life is not measured by accomplishments or how many children I have by what age or whether I have any children at all. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
However, I've also always had this side of me that longs to be "special". I think this side of me has come out in my passion and love for theatre over many years of my youth- having a role to play, especially being the "main part" has given me a sense of belonging and purpose- a "reason" for being there. I was needed, depended on, people recognized that- I felt special.
Juan Carlos and I visited his mother one day and she was talking about how Juan Carlos's brother and his girlfriend at the time were planning on getting married. She asked to see my wedding ring and proceeded to tell me how it looked exactly the same as the wedding rings of my sister in law and my soon to be sister in law.
I remember driving home that day, and asking Juan Carlos bluntly, "Why does your mom think I don't want to be special?"
It's hard for me to go to work, put in 100% effort and either go unrecognized or scolded for crossing some invisible line I didn't even know was there. Then, to go home and try to put on a happy face for Juan Carlos, find the energy to go through the daily routine, washing dishes, doing laundry, feeling like I have no grand part to play, no particular God-given purpose. This has been a part of what I've been struggling with lately I think. Am I prouder than I think? Do I need to "be special" to be happy and if so, why?
Why can't I go about my work, be thankful I even have a job in this horrible economy, when so many do not, come home, do nothing special, think nothing special, be nothing special and be satisfied? I really don't believe that everyone who is joyful or genuinely happy somehow convinces themselves of their "specialness" day in and day out. I think it comes from a deeper satisfaction and contentment with not needing to be "special"- at least not "special" in the eyes of other people by getting recognition or kudos for a job well done. I think humility and self-confidence actually go hand in hand quite often and I think I've been lacking a little of each.
There is a quiet, confident beauty about a woman who can go about her life, patiently working in and out of the home, her efforts seen only by her all-knowing, all-seeing God, not expecting blessings in life as if she "deserved" them but being open to them all the same.
Lord, I am not always content with the life I lead- I long to be a changemaker, a mover, a shaker, somebody filled with passion and purpose and life. Show me I do not need to prove myself- YOU know me, you know what I'm capable of, you know what I would do if given the chance- that's all that matters. Show me that I always have the opportunity to change lives around me, through kind notes, cards, and flowers, regardless of my position at work and whether people listen to me or not. Show me that my life is not measured by accomplishments or how many children I have by what age or whether I have any children at all. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
A hard day
Today has just been a really emotional day for me. I had a doctor's appointment and it was the first time I'd been back to Group Health since my miscarriage, which brought back a flood of unexpected emotions. I didn't have a great experience with my last doctor, so I had changed doctors and my first appointment was today, but I came away feeling essentially just as lost as when I went in. I had done my reading and knew the basics but had some more complicated questions about hormones and conceiving again- the doctor immediately told me just to have intercourse every day during the week between my periods and that was it- not related to my questions and did not make me feel any better in terms of where I'm at physically. Am I ok? Are my hormone levels still off? Is this "normal" (whatever that means- I could write another blog on this!)
Once again, I think I'm stuck looking to science for answers only God can give. The gift of unreliable health care is that I just have to trust God and pray they aren't missing something and then trust God again. This is such a hard place to be in and especially being constantly surrounded by pregnancy talk because of my coworker's perfectly healthy pregnancy right next door. I can't walk down the hall without hearing about it and therefore, thinking about it and sometimes I'm proud of myself for handling it so well and other times I just want to break down and cry or go home and never come back. As if work wasn't hard enough anyway.
Even harder was that I was hoping my supervisor would send me to Japan again this year, since I am not giving birth at the end of March, I am available at the end of May, the recruiting is for the ESL program, and I have been making an effort to learn Japanese this semester, but today I found out she will send Haley, my coworker instead, even though she'll be 7 months pregnant and couldn't go last year because that week is incredibly busy with summer programs. I guess that means I will get to endure the stress and extra work in the office during May, as well as for the 3 months she'll be off on maternity leave during our busiest time of year- summer to fall. I know it's not her fault and the vast majority of this is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I just really need a breakthrough with something right now. I've been going through an emotional and spiritual drought and I just don't know where to get strength anymore.... we're still waiting on the bank to approve our offer on a house and there's no end in sight. My aunt, our agent, has lost all hope. Our lease is up at the end of the month and I have no idea where we're going to go or how long we'll have to find a "temporary" place for. I've said enough about work for you to understand my frustrations with that I think and clearly, parenthood is only a far off elusive dream for the time being. Every time I feel like things are starting to get better and I'm improving, I find another boulder in my path- I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to pray or what to pray for anymore. I want so badly to understand what God's purpose is in all of this and it's just not coming to me. I am having no "aha" or "revelation" moments, so I guess for now, I'll just keep focusing on keeping my head above water and getting through this. I just have to remember "this too will pass..."
Once again, I think I'm stuck looking to science for answers only God can give. The gift of unreliable health care is that I just have to trust God and pray they aren't missing something and then trust God again. This is such a hard place to be in and especially being constantly surrounded by pregnancy talk because of my coworker's perfectly healthy pregnancy right next door. I can't walk down the hall without hearing about it and therefore, thinking about it and sometimes I'm proud of myself for handling it so well and other times I just want to break down and cry or go home and never come back. As if work wasn't hard enough anyway.
Even harder was that I was hoping my supervisor would send me to Japan again this year, since I am not giving birth at the end of March, I am available at the end of May, the recruiting is for the ESL program, and I have been making an effort to learn Japanese this semester, but today I found out she will send Haley, my coworker instead, even though she'll be 7 months pregnant and couldn't go last year because that week is incredibly busy with summer programs. I guess that means I will get to endure the stress and extra work in the office during May, as well as for the 3 months she'll be off on maternity leave during our busiest time of year- summer to fall. I know it's not her fault and the vast majority of this is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I just really need a breakthrough with something right now. I've been going through an emotional and spiritual drought and I just don't know where to get strength anymore.... we're still waiting on the bank to approve our offer on a house and there's no end in sight. My aunt, our agent, has lost all hope. Our lease is up at the end of the month and I have no idea where we're going to go or how long we'll have to find a "temporary" place for. I've said enough about work for you to understand my frustrations with that I think and clearly, parenthood is only a far off elusive dream for the time being. Every time I feel like things are starting to get better and I'm improving, I find another boulder in my path- I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to pray or what to pray for anymore. I want so badly to understand what God's purpose is in all of this and it's just not coming to me. I am having no "aha" or "revelation" moments, so I guess for now, I'll just keep focusing on keeping my head above water and getting through this. I just have to remember "this too will pass..."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Perfect Timing
I feel lighter lately, like some kind of weight has been gradually lifted off my shoulders without me realizing it. I've been amazed and inspired by people on my "virtual" path recently. Somehow, through what would seem to be a not-so-productive habit of reading others' blogs, I found my way to a blog called "my small treasures." The author had posted a writing from a friend of hers who had recently lost a child. The post was moving, but after realizing it was her friend's and not hers, I tried to find out more about the author of the blog I was led to- I saw her picture- a beautiful young woman with two smiling little girls- I immediately thought- yet another "perfect" family where everything went according to plan... reading on I found out differently.
This woman and her husband struggled through infertility for years and lost a baby through a failed adoption before finally adopting two beautiful little girls successfully. She looks back at all the suffering she went through now able to see the blessings and says she wouldn't change a thing. It was so powerful for me to read her story, understand so deeply her pain in wanting children so badly and not being able to have them and I was inspired that she has now arrived at a place where she has found her vocation and feels content.
Some of my struggle lately has been fighting God's timing. My little girl should have been born at the end of this month- I was given two different due dates- March 31st and April 1st and of course, it's anyone's guess anyway, but needless to say, I have been thinking lately about what it would be like to be in my last four weeks of pregnancy, with a big, healthy belly, feeling my little girl move and kick inside me and I regret that I never had that experience with Angelica, but even more I have been resenting God for "putting it off" for me in general. As I face my 25th birthday at the end of the month, I think of how much I wanted to be a mother by now.
I don't have a reason to believe I will never be a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption but I've been struggling with the fact that it's "not yet" especially being around so many friends and family members who are younger and very "fruitful" Maybe my struggle has a little to do with being the oldest sister of three and oldest cousin of 17, where I'm used to being the first to do things or the fact that I had already put "baby" into my plans, created a maternity plan, started making all the arrangements or maybe it's because I want there to be something "next" and this seems like the perfect "next step" for us. I really don't know why it's such a struggle for me, but every month that goes by and I still find myself not pregnant, I have found myself frustrated by God's timing.... until now.
I really feel like I'm starting to come to peace with letting go of my plans and giving it to God, and doing so, knowing that most likely some things about the due date won't be "ideal" but bringing a new life into the world is something that you make room for and so it doesn't have to fit perfectly with vacation time and work plans. Rather, the baby becomes the priority, so regardless of whether we own a home by then, where I'm working or where we live, if God decides it's time, it's time and we will thank Him and make room in our lives for this precious gift. I may never be able to look back and understand why January and not December or why May and not March, but I don't have to. God doesn't call us to understand- He just calls us to love and to follow His will.
So, finally, Lord, here I am, in all my brokenness, all my joy, all my hurt, all my love, all my past and all my future. Take me and use me for Your plans, Your will, in Your time. Meanwhile, I will try to be the best person I can today, and step by step I'll trust that you're leading me, as you've led so many of the strong, beautiful, loving women I've had the privilege to read about lately. Thank you for the faith and hope only You can give.
This woman and her husband struggled through infertility for years and lost a baby through a failed adoption before finally adopting two beautiful little girls successfully. She looks back at all the suffering she went through now able to see the blessings and says she wouldn't change a thing. It was so powerful for me to read her story, understand so deeply her pain in wanting children so badly and not being able to have them and I was inspired that she has now arrived at a place where she has found her vocation and feels content.
Some of my struggle lately has been fighting God's timing. My little girl should have been born at the end of this month- I was given two different due dates- March 31st and April 1st and of course, it's anyone's guess anyway, but needless to say, I have been thinking lately about what it would be like to be in my last four weeks of pregnancy, with a big, healthy belly, feeling my little girl move and kick inside me and I regret that I never had that experience with Angelica, but even more I have been resenting God for "putting it off" for me in general. As I face my 25th birthday at the end of the month, I think of how much I wanted to be a mother by now.
I don't have a reason to believe I will never be a mother, whether through natural birth or adoption but I've been struggling with the fact that it's "not yet" especially being around so many friends and family members who are younger and very "fruitful" Maybe my struggle has a little to do with being the oldest sister of three and oldest cousin of 17, where I'm used to being the first to do things or the fact that I had already put "baby" into my plans, created a maternity plan, started making all the arrangements or maybe it's because I want there to be something "next" and this seems like the perfect "next step" for us. I really don't know why it's such a struggle for me, but every month that goes by and I still find myself not pregnant, I have found myself frustrated by God's timing.... until now.
I really feel like I'm starting to come to peace with letting go of my plans and giving it to God, and doing so, knowing that most likely some things about the due date won't be "ideal" but bringing a new life into the world is something that you make room for and so it doesn't have to fit perfectly with vacation time and work plans. Rather, the baby becomes the priority, so regardless of whether we own a home by then, where I'm working or where we live, if God decides it's time, it's time and we will thank Him and make room in our lives for this precious gift. I may never be able to look back and understand why January and not December or why May and not March, but I don't have to. God doesn't call us to understand- He just calls us to love and to follow His will.
So, finally, Lord, here I am, in all my brokenness, all my joy, all my hurt, all my love, all my past and all my future. Take me and use me for Your plans, Your will, in Your time. Meanwhile, I will try to be the best person I can today, and step by step I'll trust that you're leading me, as you've led so many of the strong, beautiful, loving women I've had the privilege to read about lately. Thank you for the faith and hope only You can give.
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