I've always considered myself a fairly "humble" person- not quick to make mention of what I'm good at, and if forced to talk about my "strengths" I usually make comments to downplay whatever strength I'm talking about, "well, I'm by no means an expert, but I do feel this students' English proficiency is not quite where it should be"
However, I've also always had this side of me that longs to be "special". I think this side of me has come out in my passion and love for theatre over many years of my youth- having a role to play, especially being the "main part" has given me a sense of belonging and purpose- a "reason" for being there. I was needed, depended on, people recognized that- I felt special.
Juan Carlos and I visited his mother one day and she was talking about how Juan Carlos's brother and his girlfriend at the time were planning on getting married. She asked to see my wedding ring and proceeded to tell me how it looked exactly the same as the wedding rings of my sister in law and my soon to be sister in law.
I remember driving home that day, and asking Juan Carlos bluntly, "Why does your mom think I don't want to be special?"
It's hard for me to go to work, put in 100% effort and either go unrecognized or scolded for crossing some invisible line I didn't even know was there. Then, to go home and try to put on a happy face for Juan Carlos, find the energy to go through the daily routine, washing dishes, doing laundry, feeling like I have no grand part to play, no particular God-given purpose. This has been a part of what I've been struggling with lately I think. Am I prouder than I think? Do I need to "be special" to be happy and if so, why?
Why can't I go about my work, be thankful I even have a job in this horrible economy, when so many do not, come home, do nothing special, think nothing special, be nothing special and be satisfied? I really don't believe that everyone who is joyful or genuinely happy somehow convinces themselves of their "specialness" day in and day out. I think it comes from a deeper satisfaction and contentment with not needing to be "special"- at least not "special" in the eyes of other people by getting recognition or kudos for a job well done. I think humility and self-confidence actually go hand in hand quite often and I think I've been lacking a little of each.
There is a quiet, confident beauty about a woman who can go about her life, patiently working in and out of the home, her efforts seen only by her all-knowing, all-seeing God, not expecting blessings in life as if she "deserved" them but being open to them all the same.
Lord, I am not always content with the life I lead- I long to be a changemaker, a mover, a shaker, somebody filled with passion and purpose and life. Show me I do not need to prove myself- YOU know me, you know what I'm capable of, you know what I would do if given the chance- that's all that matters. Show me that I always have the opportunity to change lives around me, through kind notes, cards, and flowers, regardless of my position at work and whether people listen to me or not. Show me that my life is not measured by accomplishments or how many children I have by what age or whether I have any children at all. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
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