Loss and Life

I've been thinking lately about how the unanticipated or unwanted loss of unborn children reaffirms the value of life and the dignity of life at all stages. You may be wondering how exactly death reaffirms life. It's easy to see how the value of life is affirmed in the birth of babies, in glowing women expecting a child any day, in families enjoying life together... it's harder to see in loss.

But I can't help but think of how God uses a trial as difficult as losing a baby to show others the importance of life as well. I went to a couple support groups after losing Angelica and it really struck me how many people mourned their children as if they were just that- their children! Real babies and real lives waiting to enter the world - children awaiting a loving family and a life of hope. What a testament to life to talk of our unborn children and recognize their true existence and our true parenthood, even before seeing their beautiful faces or holding them in our arms. And I began to wonder- would our conversation seem foreign to "pro-choice" parents? Would they understand our grief? If so, does it seem strange to them that what was a very real "life" to us could be seen as a "non-life" to someone else?

Is it possible to come to terms with the idea that two babies of exactly the same age can have inherent dignity and value or not have that depending on their parent? I can think of examples of times when the value of human lives was left up for debate depending on who the players were (colonists and Native Americans, Nazis and the Jewish, the Hutus and the Tutsis). Somehow, though, it seems that we generally tend to look back on these times in history with shame and guilt, recognizing the utter lies perpetuating our ability to dehumanize people based on race or religion or language.

To many, wishing Juan Carlos a happy father's day or bringing Angelica into conversations may seem like a crazy, unnecessary reminder of one of the most painful experiences of our lives (not to mention uncomfortable for anyone else in the room at the time). But, to me, recognizing our parenthood and Angelica's life is a way of affirming the fact that we believe life begins from conception. If Angelica was not even a real "life" yet, than we wouldn't have much to cry about... but we do. I don't go around work posting flyers or proclaiming the fact we lost our child since it is not my intention to bring attention upon myself, but I am trying to catch myself when I say "I wish I could be a mother" or "I may never have a baby" because based on what I believe, I am a mother and I do have a baby- she's just not with me here.

Calling myself a mother may be controversial to some, since I have not put in the sacrifice of staying up long hours and changing dirty diapers and disciplining and teaching and balancing "family life" with other obligations, but I would only consider my sacrifice different- not necessarily less. There are many reasons I would rather have sleepless nights and dirty diapers in exchange for having my baby with me, but for reasons beyond my understanding right now, my sacrifice, my cross, was giving my precious child up completely.

Facing challenges to conceive again can also reffirm the pro-life movement, since so many people and couples are waiting with open arms to welcome a child into their home. I am one of them- I would more than happily adopt a baby without a second thought to the fact the child didn't come from our own genetic line. Yet, so many women who feel "unready" for one reason or another to give birth choose abortion instead, leaving longing couples empty handed and healthy children lifeless. It is truly tragic. I know the thought of having a child you give birth to out in the world and not knowing what becomes of him or her is uncomfortable, maybe even painful at times. It must be incredibly difficult to give a child up for adoption. But isn't it worth it to know there is a life in the world that wouldn't be there otherwise? And there are parents that may not be parents otherwise? True love is hard, but it is so so beautiful.

Since I was a little girl, I have always been an advocate for life and recent experiences have only strengthened my convictions. I think language goes a long way to shape our feelings and beliefs about people and so, if you believe as I do, that life begins from conception, I would encourage you also to examine your own language and see if it reflects that belief. How do you refer to the unborn or to children lost from the womb, whether they're your own or someone else's? How does your reaction to death reaffirm the value of one's life, however small? We have such an opportunity to use the sad and difficult experiences in our lives, as well as the joyful ones, to bring honor and respect to that which is truly important.