Best Husband Ever!

I am just feeling especially grateful for my husband again lately. He was so supportive today when my grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit, helping to get everyone coffee, let the dog out, and clean up. He has been so supportive and kind, encouraging me to rest and asking what he can do to help when I'm running around trying to get the house cleaned and get myself ready at the same time.

We've had such wonderful, loving time together lately in between get togethers and different festivities. I'm so excited because we also both have this next week off to enjoy together!! What a treat! It makes it so much easier to be loving when you feel loved, that's for sure. Thank God for great partners- I feel so blessed!

Not as I imagined...

I seem to constantly be in a place where my dreams or hopes or desires for myself or my life don't seem to match the reality... Recently has been no exception. I don't know if it's an extra "nesting" tendency because of being pregnant or just where I'm at right now, but it's really been getting to me that Christmas preparations haven't gone as planned (no tree, no table runner, no lights outside ultimately... you would hardly know it's Christmas at my house) nor has our living situation in our new home.

If things were my preference, I would want our home to be a peaceful, quiet, clean place for Juan Carlos and I to come home to every night, with candles and a beautiful Christmas tree to sit by. We could watch TV or talk to our heart's desire with no interruptions. The messes that exist would be ours and I would feel happy to invite anyone over anytime with relative certainty that the house was in fine condition.

However, in August of last year, a cousin of Juan Carlos's (who had been out of work for half the year) found himself without anywhere to stay. Juan Carlos, with his big heart, said he could stay with us for awhile.... well, awhile has now turned into 5 months. Meanwhile, Juan Carlos's brother and his wife had some problems and separated so Juan Carlos's brother has been staying with us for the past couple months as well in the "would -be baby" room. Our 3 bedroom house is now totally full.

I have come home to find that Juan Carlos's brother (with the best of intentions) bleached our new carpet (for which I have found no reasonable remedy) when trying to get out a stain. I've come home to all the sandwich meat being gone or all the milk being out and needing to run to the store to get more. I've come home to all "the guys" huddled around the computer watching boxing or hunting or rodeos or looking for cars, to people in my living room at 11:30 at night drinking that I didn't invite over, to the TV being on constantly, to no room for me on the couch- all when all I want is a peaceful evening (or several) with my husband.

Yet, I feel bad even complaining because clearly, these people are going through difficult times right now, being out of work, dealing with tough relationships, etc. My small sacrifices really are small in comparison to what many go through and so, I've decided to do my very best for the next few days, in preparation for Christmas, to stop myself when I get angry or annoyed and to give up "the way I want things" as a kind of gift, a way to thank God for all I have and that I even have a home and rooms and food to share with people that need it. That, in and of itself, is a privilege and I have to remember that...

May all of you find peace in whatever situations you find yourselves in this Christmas season and may we all find a way to focus on the truly important things- beyond stained carpets and extra trips to the store, the ways that we can love each other... as God loves us.

Surprises

Several things have surprised me about being pregnant and I just want to put them out there before I forget:

1) How similar my belly stretching feels to times before when I would push it out on purpose to see what I might look like when I was pregnant

2) How much my tummy itches (more and more)

3) How everyone touches my belly up high but I feel the baby down much lower

4) How infrequent the first movement was and how similar it felt to a pulse that would start and stop for a long time and how I could sometimes get myself into positions that I could feel it better- I really wasn't sure that was it, but now I think it must have been...

5) How the movement feels now, sometimes like going downhill or over a bump in the road really fast

6) Who asks about my growing belly and who hasn't said anything at all

7) How relatively little morning sickness I got (maybe because Juan Carlos shared it a little)

8) How much I have not had issues with sciatica (I have struggled with sciatica (pinched nerve) in my back for several years on and off and it hasn't acted up at all so far- what a blessing!)

9) My first experience with heartburn- I don't think I've ever gotten it before

10) My incredible appetite- I feel hungry all the time and I have throughout this pregnancy, even in the first trimester- people ask if I have cravings and my only real answer is I crave anything someone mentions. If someone says, "pizza" or "shrimp" or whatever, I just have to have it... so please be careful when you talk about food around me ; )

11) That I haven't gotten sick- I got sick at the very beginning, when I was only around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and then I got a little stomach bug recently but overall, I've been really blessed to not have gotten sick yet this winter

12) Finally, I've surprised myself with how much I am taking this pregnancy one step at a time and really not thinking that much about the future- maybe a blessing in disguise of having experiences that the future didn't hold what I thought. For whatever reason, I like the change and feel like it is helping me to appreciate what "is" more and not worry so much about what's coming....

Baby Update!!

We had an ultrasound on December 17th and got to see our little GIRL for the second time!! That's right! We're having a beautiful little girl and we're so excited!! Honestly, I got really excited Friday morning when I called Group Health to plead someone to not make me wait until my appointment on the 29th to know if everything was ok and the woman on the other line (a nurse or midwife) looked up the ultrasound and said everything was normal!! Thank God!!

I feel absolutely and totally blessed to have a healthy baby and am so so grateful. Some fun facts on our little one- on December 17th I was 18 weeks, 6 days (so a little behind when we orignally thought) but baby has very long legs and weighs 10 ounces (which my mom found out was usually what babies at 21 weeks weigh!) so it looks like she will be big!! We'll see...

Everything is starting to seem more real now that we can talk about her and I can go shopping for clothes and everything. My aunt and uncle generously gave us some wonderful baby things they don't need anymore, which will really help to save us some money and we are very thankful. Unfortunately, since they most recently had a boy, we probably won't be able to use too many of the clothes they had, but I'm sure they'll find another appreciative person to give them too or, if not, there's always a possible next time ; )

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue this incredible journey. Thank you for all your continued prayers and support- it really means so much to us and we're thinking of all our friends and family often this holiday season and excited to see many of you.... Many blessings!

Job Evaluation

I expected it to be bad but not this bad. My job evaluation today was absolutely devastating. My supervisor gave me "unsatisfactory" on absolutely every category- On a scale from 1-4, I got a 1 on everything. Considering the program has almost doubled since I've been there, retention has improved significantly, a variety of transitional programming and curriculum is now in place that wasn't before, and the program has not totally fallen apart, I don't know how that is even possible, but alas, it's happened.

I realize I am generally sensitive and do not take criticism well anyway, but for a sensitive person that really takes things to heart, it's going to take everything I have just to get up and go back to work tomorrow. I am trying to take what's helpful and let go of what's not, but it is so disheartening to get so much negative feedback and literally no positive feedback from a person's supervisor after working so hard.

My pride wants to quit more than anything in the world, though, as I've mentioned many times, that's just not a feasible option right now.

I really sincerely feel that this evaluation was given more out of a kind of desire for vengence than any genuine desire to help me improve at my job. I would go into detail, but I don't think it would make much sense to anyone unless they worked there and knew my supervisor.

Suffice it to say that I am really hoping some amazing news tomorrow about how the baby is doing great can make up for a very difficult, disheartening day today.

Please keep me in your prayers...

On my mind...

Yesterday, I got home from work to find Juan Carlos on the couch with his left arm totally bandaged up. He told me he accidentally shot a nail through his hand with a nail gun at work. Something about the nail hitting something hard and coming back through his hand...yuck! The poor thing has been on vicadin and antibiotics and had to have a million shots of tetanus and I don't even know what else since he told the people he hadn't been to a doctor in over 15 years....

Now, he's mostly just really frustrated to not be able to work and have an income. He's feeling a lot of money pressure with extra unexpected bills since the brakes on my car went out and we had to get that fixed and it just seems to be one thing after another. I'm not as concerned, but feel bad not knowing how to make him feel better.

I'm getting really excited and nervous for our appointment on Thursday. It's the 19 week ultrasound and we should be able to see a lot of the baby's vital organs and possibly find out if Baby Garcia is a boy or a girl! It's so exciting, but I'm also so worried- there's so much that could potentially go wrong- sometimes I think I feel the baby kick but sometimes I don't feel it for awhile and wonder if that was really the baby, if everything is ok... I just keep praying and praying. I don't know what else to do...

I'm thinking a lot about the future and future options for me as a "working mom" A good friend of mine at work is leaving for an amazing career opportunity at Seattle U. and I feel like I will miss her desperately. Plus, another great coworker is leaving to be a stay at home mom and sub at the public schools to spend more time with her family. In talking to my friend, she mentioned teaching at the college level actually seems like it would be a pretty family-friendly job, since a lot of planning can be done from home, benefits are steady, etc. I've been thinking about if we can grow the ESL Program more and open up a full time ESL teaching position if that might be better for me. I really love administration too and it would be challenging for me to teach so many classes, but the schedule really would be so much better...

I'm also really looking forward to Christmas and to being with family. At first this Christmas, I was trying to make sure we got our tree up soon and got lights on the house, got a table runner, placemats, and started 5 new family traditions and while all of that was a nice thought, we still don't have a tree (long story), the lights we got ended up being two different colors and so we had to return one set and still don't have a full set up and the Christmas traditions just haven't been working out the way I'd hoped either. Kudos to all those families that are "on top of things" for sure, but as for us, I've decided that rather than focus on adding and adding, maybe I should focus more on simplifying. It's true that beautiful traditions can create great memories, but with Juan Carlos and my style of living, I think unstructured, free time with each other and people we love may be equally if not more enjoyable and also memorable...

Please keep us in your prayers, especially for Thursday's appointment and if you have any comments, advice, etc to share, please feel free to post.

An honor

One incredibly important lesson my first daughter, Angelica, taught me was that our children are never really, totally ours. I have reflected a lot on the different ways that children come to their parents and the concept of having one's own children and how really deceptive that idea is. Sure, children who inherit our genes may have Daddy's nose and Mommy's curly hair, but ultimately, they really belong to God. We are just entrusted with these precious lives to take care of here on earth.

This has helped me to look at motherhood in a whole different way- as I was praying one morning thanking God again for the chance to be a mother and for another day with this baby, I found myself thanking Him for the honor of being able to care for His children. In this way, parents, people without children (married or single), priests, and the religious are really not so different. We all have a calling to care for His children- wherever they may appear in our lives.

And, in my case, recognizing that my children are not really my own will help me to be a better parent, I think. If children were like my own work, my own design, I would have a tendency to want to control them, shape them, make them the way I want them to be. My children are in my care, but they are not mine to control. They are mine to teach and influence, but they are not mine to make into what they will ultimately become.

We all probably dream of the "perfect" children we'll raise someday but we will all come to the sometimes harsh realization someday (if we are privileged enough to be given the blessing of children in our lives), that so much of who children are has more to do with God's intentions and design than our own.

I'm excited to see the ways our baby will act or look like Juan Carlos or me, but I am even more excited to see the ways this child will be made in God's image and show me a side of God, a picture of God, I haven't seen before. I am excited to have a child to teach and to care for, but I am even more excited to have a small soul to learn from and be fascinated by...

I am starting to get pretty nervous about an ultrasound we have coming up next week. I think I may have felt the baby kick but I'm not totally sure and I'm not sure if it's as much as it should be and I know there are so many things that could still go wrong (and right...) Whatever God's plan is for us, I pray for the grace to accept it with peace and courage and I am and always will be eternally grateful for the time and the blessings He's already given us.

El Mojado

These are the lyrics to a beautiful song by Ricardo Arjona:

El Mojado

Empaco un par de camisas, un sombrero, su vocación de aventurero, 6 consejos, 7 fotos, mil recuerdos.
Empaco sus ganas de quedarse, su condición de transformarse en el hombre que soñó y no ha logrado.
Dijo adiós con una mueca disfrazada de sonrisa. Y le suplico a su Dios crucificado en la repisa el resguardo de los suyos. Y perforo la frontera como pudo.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

El mojado tiene ganas de secarse. El mojado esta mojado por las lágrimas que bota la nostalgia.
El mojado, el indocumentado carga el bulto que el legal no cargaría ni obligado.

El suplicio de un papel lo ha convertido en fugitivo. Y no es de aquí porque su nombre no aparece en los archivos, ni es de allá porque se fue.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Mojado, Sabe a mentira tu verdad, sabe a tristeza la ansiedad de ver un freeway y soñar con la vereda que conduce hasta tu casa.

Mojado, Mojado de tanto llorar sabiendo que en algún lugar te espera un beso haciendo pausa desde el día en que te marchaste.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Si la visa universal se extiende el día en que nacemos y caduca en la muerte. Porque te persiguen mojado, si el cónsul de los cielos ya te dio permiso.

Here is a rough translation:

He packed a pair of shirts, a sombrero, his vocation of adventurer, six pieces of advice, seven photos, a thousand memories.
He packed his desire to stay, His condition of transforming into the man he dreamed about but never achieved. He said goodbye with his face feigning a smile and prayed to his god crucified on the shelf for the protection of his family and crossed the border any way he could.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

El mojado desires to be dry, el mojado is wet because of the tears wept by nostalgia el mojado, the undocumented, carries the load that the legal person would not carry, even forced.

The requirement of a piece of paper has made of him a fugitive and he is not from here because his name does not appear in the archives nor is he from over there because he left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice, without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune. Mojado, your truth tastes like lies, sadness tastes like anxiety, dreaming of the path that leads toward your home.

Mojado, mojado from so much crying, knowing that in some place a kiss waits clinging to a pause since the day that you left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

If the universal visa is granted the day we are born and expires at our death, why do they chase you mojado if the council of the heavens has already granted you permission.

Children in need

Before I could get pregnant again, I tried to be open to any possibility that God may be calling us too in order to become parents, a desire that was so heavy on my heart. I have always felt drawn towards adoption and Juan Carlos is also open to it. I started to investigate more about fostering and adoption and what would be required of us if we started to go down that path... Unfortunately, for the options we found, it seemed that Juan Carlos's legal status would be a big barrier to being able to foster or adopt children, but it has continued to be on my heart, even as I carry our own child...

In the last couple days I've watched a couple films I can't stop thinking about that have made me think a lot about people and especially children in need: Sin Nombre and The Blind Side. Then, there was Kristine's sister's blog about working with children in need in Texas who need so much care and love. I am not sure what to do with what I feel like is a "calling" of some sort at this point in my life. I'm really not sure how we are going to be able to afford some of the things this new baby will need and all the rooms in our home are filled right now with people who also need somewhere to stay, so I don't know what we would be able to offer to another child, even if the legal status wasn't a barrier... besides a lot of structure, discipline, compassion, patience, understanding and love of course... I wonder what God wants me or us to do with this on my heart...

In my heart

Although I have now, in a relatively short time, been blessed again with the opportunity to conceive and am absolutely thrilled and honored, my heart continues to ache for all the women who long to be mothers and continue to wait...

I came across a blog today of a woman who appears to be having all the doors to motherhood shut in her life, one after the other, from infertility treatment to adoption.

Please join me in praying for her and all the men and women who long to be parents and in honor of them, may we always be grateful for the children we're blessed with and not take this great responsibility and gift for granted...

Things on my mind

I'm not sure how to put my mind right now into a coherent post but I just wanted to record some of the things I'm thinking about right now. This is such a cherished time for us and I want to be able to look back and see God's providence in all that He brings us through.

Back to mass

As I was starting my new married life, I made an effort to go regularly to mass, but started to realize that I was doing it more out of habit and a feeling of obligation than true desire. I decided to take a break until I felt like I really missed it. I've gone on and off here and there, but this Advent season, I felt an especially strong pull to go back to mass. I went on Sunday and it was really wonderful. Somehow, it didn't seem full of the judgement that was there for me before and rather just full of warm people living real lives seeking inspiration and fulfillment. It was refreshing and gave me such a sense of peace and hope for this new year.

Advent

I'm trying to be much more intentional about advent and looking forward to Christmas this year. In the past, it has always kind of snuck up on me, but I want to start establishing traditions that will make Christmas really meaningful for our family.

We put lights up on our new house this year (well, technically, Juan Carlos and his brother put them up and I directed ; ) but they are beautiful and I'm excited about it!!

Juan Carlos and I are planning to get a Christmas tree soon and decorating it together. I also got an advent wreath to light each Sunday and to take a little time to pray together.

Slowly but surely, I think we'll do more and more.

Pregnancy, Maternity Leave, Work, and Childcare

As pregnancy has gone along and we've had some "successful" appointments with good news, my confidence and peace about this has been growing. I continue to pray for the health of our little one, but feel myself going from more fearful to more joyful day by day.

I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move more consistently. I think I may have felt the baby a couple times, but I'm so excited to feel him or her moving around all the time...

I had to tell my boss earlier than I was hoping (a couple days before Thanksgiving) because according to my coworkers, it was already pretty obvious. She didn't react much- just said that was great and asked when the baby was due. I guess that's a good thing. I'll probably talk to her in more detail about maternity leave, etc. as we get closer.

When I was young, my mom always worked, but always only when we were in school or something, so it really felt like she was a stay at home mom since she was always there for us at home. I loved that and always imagined myself also being a stay at home mom and being really fulfilled with that. But, like with so many things, plans change, life happens, and I fell in love with an incredible man, who unfortunately, does not have the same opportunity to bring in the income that I can. I knew that going into marriage and I have no regrets but now, thinking about our new child coming and expenses and childcare and my desire to be home as much as possible, I feel like my head is just full of thoughts and ideas and concerns all the time.

Normal daycare would not be affordable nor really desirable for us. Primarily because of the affordability factor, we have to look at other options. Juan Carlos's mom is nearby and stays home during the day, so I think we both always had her in mind for helping us with the baby. But, we know she is tired and it's not fair for us to EXPECT her to take care of the baby 8 hours a day while we're working, so I've also been feeling the need to come up with a "backup" plan or even a plan for days that she has other appointments or things she needs to do.

It would be financially impossible for me to leave my job altogether and stay home. I've thought about trying to negotiate something part-time but I'm not sure if this would be do-able for us financially or for the school... Part of me is tempted to go back to teaching part-time but that's not as stable, since it depends on students each quarter and the contracts are just quarter to quarter, I don't know how many classes I could get and I would probably have to do mornings and evenings, so I don't know when we'd get to be together as a family, which is important to me too.

In the meantime, lots of things are changing around the school and our office. We are a pretty close-knit group of coworkers- all pretty good friends, and now all that is changing... One of my coworkers has already decided to leave, another is a finalist in a job interview and may leave in January- otherwise, she'll definitely leave this fall- all of this while the school is on a hiring freeze and our department is potentially bringing in a program of 50 new students in the fall.

It's hard to know how everything will work out on so many levels but I guess that's where faith and trust come in. I've never felt so much like I didn't have a plan or even that I couldn't really make a plan, but this is probably closer to what the rest of my life will feel like than anything before.

Please pray for Juan Carlos and I as we look at our budget and try to make our best guesses about what we can afford and what we can't, financially and emotionally. Please pray for us to be open minded about sacrifices that we can and should make and for us to be able to work something out for work, childcare and everything else... Any comments or advice are welcome!!