Living my own life

It's strange to be 24 and to think, for what seems like the first time, so deeply about one's own life. I feel so silly in a way that I've always been so caught up in thinking about what I want and what others have that much of my own life has passed me by in ways. There's a country song that always touches me when I hear it that talks about a man watching his daughter grow up and at different stages of life, she is always talking about the future and the chorus goes something like,

"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. Cause these are some good times. Take a good look around. You may not know it now. But you're gonna miss this..."

And what hits me about the song is that it says that about every stage in life- high school, living in a little apartment as newly weds, having kids... it's not like there's one point in life where "you've arrived" that gives you permission to now be happy or one stage in life you want to go back to for the rest of your life.... Maybe I'll be 30 or 40 or 85 and think back to how great it was to be 24- just starting my career, just starting my marriage, in love, young, healthy, full of energy and passion, when life seems full of possibilities and hopes and dreams and plans....

I need to let go of my tendency to compare myself to others, especially others who are where I think I want to be, pregnant and raising young children. Although I always wanted to start a family young, younger than I am now, I need to recognize that I made the choices I did for a reason. I need to pull myself away from watching everyone else's life and focus back on mine. I have my own story and I don't do it justice keeping it in the shadows of others.

Someone I knew said on her blog that she finally stopped comparing herself to others after she had a child. Maybe I thought that would happen to me too- that a child would finally liberate me from this ridiculous game I've been playing since I was a child myself and I could get on with life. But, in reality, as Carlos pointed out last night, and my mom has pointed out before, having children is just another level on which to play the "comparing" game if you don't get out of it beforehand. You can compare everything from how many hours your child sleeps to how many dirty diapers you have to change to how soon your child walks, talks, and gets potty trained and on it goes for the rest of their lives.

I never want my children to be victims of my own insecurity, so I guess that during these months that God has given me to reflect and heal, I should take a closer look at that and start learning how to live my own life.