A hard day

Today has just been a really emotional day for me. I had a doctor's appointment and it was the first time I'd been back to Group Health since my miscarriage, which brought back a flood of unexpected emotions. I didn't have a great experience with my last doctor, so I had changed doctors and my first appointment was today, but I came away feeling essentially just as lost as when I went in. I had done my reading and knew the basics but had some more complicated questions about hormones and conceiving again- the doctor immediately told me just to have intercourse every day during the week between my periods and that was it- not related to my questions and did not make me feel any better in terms of where I'm at physically. Am I ok? Are my hormone levels still off? Is this "normal" (whatever that means- I could write another blog on this!)

Once again, I think I'm stuck looking to science for answers only God can give. The gift of unreliable health care is that I just have to trust God and pray they aren't missing something and then trust God again. This is such a hard place to be in and especially being constantly surrounded by pregnancy talk because of my coworker's perfectly healthy pregnancy right next door. I can't walk down the hall without hearing about it and therefore, thinking about it and sometimes I'm proud of myself for handling it so well and other times I just want to break down and cry or go home and never come back. As if work wasn't hard enough anyway.

Even harder was that I was hoping my supervisor would send me to Japan again this year, since I am not giving birth at the end of March, I am available at the end of May, the recruiting is for the ESL program, and I have been making an effort to learn Japanese this semester, but today I found out she will send Haley, my coworker instead, even though she'll be 7 months pregnant and couldn't go last year because that week is incredibly busy with summer programs. I guess that means I will get to endure the stress and extra work in the office during May, as well as for the 3 months she'll be off on maternity leave during our busiest time of year- summer to fall. I know it's not her fault and the vast majority of this is just me feeling sorry for myself.

I just really need a breakthrough with something right now. I've been going through an emotional and spiritual drought and I just don't know where to get strength anymore.... we're still waiting on the bank to approve our offer on a house and there's no end in sight. My aunt, our agent, has lost all hope. Our lease is up at the end of the month and I have no idea where we're going to go or how long we'll have to find a "temporary" place for. I've said enough about work for you to understand my frustrations with that I think and clearly, parenthood is only a far off elusive dream for the time being. Every time I feel like things are starting to get better and I'm improving, I find another boulder in my path- I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to pray or what to pray for anymore. I want so badly to understand what God's purpose is in all of this and it's just not coming to me. I am having no "aha" or "revelation" moments, so I guess for now, I'll just keep focusing on keeping my head above water and getting through this. I just have to remember "this too will pass..."