Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Our Changed Marriage
Two years ago today, Juan Carlos and I committed our lives to each other. Marriage has been incredible. It's strange to think we've only been married two years because we have already gone through so much. Everyone says marriage can be hard and that there are challenges, but I guess I expected them to be more like squeezing the toothpaste in the wrong place or leaving the toilet seat up kinds of challenges, not challenges like facing huge losses together.
Juan Carlos and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged, so I thought we knew each other pretty well, but I have to say our first year was spent really getting to know each other on a whole different level. We did not live together before we got married, so we were getting used to compromising on chores, grocery shopping, how we wanted to decorate, what kind of furniture we would buy and how much we would spend and all those day to day decisions couples make. But we were also negotiating our time and how we could maintain our own separate lives with family and friends while also nurture and grow our new relationship as husband and wife. And it was hard. I was lonely sometimes and wondered whether we had really made the best choice.
In Spanish there is a saying, "Hablando se entiende todo" which means "Talking you can understand anything" I think that really came into play the first half of our marriage. We talked (sometimes not so nicely) and talked and talked and slowly we were able to come to more and more of an understanding about the other person, what we needed and what we could change to be better for one another. I will always value the communication in our relationship and being able to freely express what we are feeling. I think it got us through some difficult times. I also think we had to make a very conscious choice several times to stay together- we had to put our relationship above what we may have wanted as individuals to make it a priority and to make it work.
Just when it seemed we had started to get into a nice routine and come to an understanding, we were hit with some of the most difficult experiences of my life. In March of 2008, we lost our entire savings when we accidentally bought a vehicle that turned out to be stolen. To this day, it's still saddening to think how nice that extra financial security would have been- all the things we could have used the money for, but a part of me also feels that the lesson of getting through such a difficult thing and doing it together has been priceless for our relationship. Then we struggled through the following summer bouncing from dr. appt. to dr. appt. being told I couldn't get pregnant, that I might have a tumor in my brain, and all kinds of other things, only to learn in September I was already 12 weeks pregnant and one month later, in October, that the baby's heart stopped beating.
The emotional rollercoaster was devastating for us and I spent the winter struggling through an all-consuming depression. Juan Carlos would beg me to go a day without crying. On top of it, we couldn't seem to get pregnant again. The grief of losing our first child was multiplied by the grief of thinking we may never be parents. I was still hopeful about adoption until I learned that we may not qualify because of our immigration status. It was so hard to keep hope. It seemed person after person got pregnant and had their babies successfully, while I dwelled in a bubble of lonliness, fear and despair.
Then, when I had pretty much resigned myself to not being able to have children of our own, we were blessed with another miracle- a second child. Sometimes I wonder how our lives might be different if we had been able to have children right away or we had an extra $10,000 in the bank or if our story had taken some other turns. Two years and a lifetime of experience later, what different people we are, what different perspectives we have... though I would never wish hardship and loss on anyone, I really do believe God works through it and we are changed. I know because stories that didn't make me cry before bring tears to my eyes, we are inspired to help in ways we may not have before- we have become not only a bonded couple but a family, brought closer not only by our love for one another but our love through hardship.
Now, I tell Juan Carlos I love him more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful for all of his patience and his support and that he has been the one God chose to stand by me in such incredibly challenging times.
I now look forward to and hope for a brighter time in our relationship- one of celebration and joy. Though we never know what lies ahead, I am once again hopeful that the sun will continue to shine on us for awhile longer. Though the scars never fully fade, I hope they serve to remind us of what we have to treasure in this life and in all that is to come.
Juan Carlos and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged, so I thought we knew each other pretty well, but I have to say our first year was spent really getting to know each other on a whole different level. We did not live together before we got married, so we were getting used to compromising on chores, grocery shopping, how we wanted to decorate, what kind of furniture we would buy and how much we would spend and all those day to day decisions couples make. But we were also negotiating our time and how we could maintain our own separate lives with family and friends while also nurture and grow our new relationship as husband and wife. And it was hard. I was lonely sometimes and wondered whether we had really made the best choice.
In Spanish there is a saying, "Hablando se entiende todo" which means "Talking you can understand anything" I think that really came into play the first half of our marriage. We talked (sometimes not so nicely) and talked and talked and slowly we were able to come to more and more of an understanding about the other person, what we needed and what we could change to be better for one another. I will always value the communication in our relationship and being able to freely express what we are feeling. I think it got us through some difficult times. I also think we had to make a very conscious choice several times to stay together- we had to put our relationship above what we may have wanted as individuals to make it a priority and to make it work.
Just when it seemed we had started to get into a nice routine and come to an understanding, we were hit with some of the most difficult experiences of my life. In March of 2008, we lost our entire savings when we accidentally bought a vehicle that turned out to be stolen. To this day, it's still saddening to think how nice that extra financial security would have been- all the things we could have used the money for, but a part of me also feels that the lesson of getting through such a difficult thing and doing it together has been priceless for our relationship. Then we struggled through the following summer bouncing from dr. appt. to dr. appt. being told I couldn't get pregnant, that I might have a tumor in my brain, and all kinds of other things, only to learn in September I was already 12 weeks pregnant and one month later, in October, that the baby's heart stopped beating.
The emotional rollercoaster was devastating for us and I spent the winter struggling through an all-consuming depression. Juan Carlos would beg me to go a day without crying. On top of it, we couldn't seem to get pregnant again. The grief of losing our first child was multiplied by the grief of thinking we may never be parents. I was still hopeful about adoption until I learned that we may not qualify because of our immigration status. It was so hard to keep hope. It seemed person after person got pregnant and had their babies successfully, while I dwelled in a bubble of lonliness, fear and despair.
Then, when I had pretty much resigned myself to not being able to have children of our own, we were blessed with another miracle- a second child. Sometimes I wonder how our lives might be different if we had been able to have children right away or we had an extra $10,000 in the bank or if our story had taken some other turns. Two years and a lifetime of experience later, what different people we are, what different perspectives we have... though I would never wish hardship and loss on anyone, I really do believe God works through it and we are changed. I know because stories that didn't make me cry before bring tears to my eyes, we are inspired to help in ways we may not have before- we have become not only a bonded couple but a family, brought closer not only by our love for one another but our love through hardship.
Now, I tell Juan Carlos I love him more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful for all of his patience and his support and that he has been the one God chose to stand by me in such incredibly challenging times.
I now look forward to and hope for a brighter time in our relationship- one of celebration and joy. Though we never know what lies ahead, I am once again hopeful that the sun will continue to shine on us for awhile longer. Though the scars never fully fade, I hope they serve to remind us of what we have to treasure in this life and in all that is to come.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Immigration Part III: A Sense of Entitlement
Growing up in capitalist America, we learn from a young age that our lives are a culmination of what we make them- good choices, bad choices, hard work or laziness... based on our choices, our lives will generally follow suit.
And we see examples all the time- kids from disadvantaged backgrounds work hard in school, earn scholarships to college and "get ahead." Likewise, sometimes very privileged kids make bad choices to party or skip school and end up dropping out, or even behind bars.
We are the land of opportunity, the land of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, of overcoming obstacles, of making something of yourself. Stories and books and movies all about people earning what they have through hard work, honesty, and good decisions.
I believe in this story too... sometimes. But I do not look back at my life and dare to believe I earned or did something to deserve everything I have. Granted, I did not have to work my way up like my father did- becoming independent at an early age, being the first in his family to think about, let alone go to college. Perhaps he has more of a justification to feel he "earned" what he did.
I, on the other hand, look back at my life and see so many blessings I never brought upon myself. I was born to parents who loved each other and were faithful to each other and who loved me. I was able to play as a child and participate in activities like piano lessons, dance classes, soccer, and theatre groups, always with the support of my family. My mother was always around to help with homework and shower my sisters and I with love and attention. We were all expected to excel in school and given the support we needed to do it. We were shown how to make good decisions by examples in our family and friends' families.
My base as a young child and then a young woman has served me in ALL that I have accomplished and all I will ever be. I have my parents to thank. I have God to thank. As for my own role, I have made some hard decisions and some sacrifices, but because of my upbringing, looking back it all seems relatively easy.
Juan Carlos has worked ever since he can remember. When his mother didn't have money and all they had was a couple cows, his uncle (his mother's brother) "charged" them to keep the cows on his land by using Juan Carlos and his brothers to work for him on his farm for years. He never paid them a dime. They would get up at 5:00am to milk the cows, take them out to the pasture, come home for lunch around 12:00noon, take a shower, and go to school. When Juan Carlos started this routine he was only 7 years old.
By the time Juan Carlos came to the United States at 17, he had already been working over half his life. It was natural just to keep working. Yet, in the now 20 years that my husband has been working, he probably hasn't made as much money as I have in 10. Why is that? Because he doesn't deserve it? He doesn't work as hard as me or others? He didn't choose the right "career"?
Why do we, who are privileged just to be born in a country where we can speak freely, where we can have a public education, where we can generally walk down the street and not worry about who will rob us, feel like we did something to deserve this?
We want to make New Americans (immigrants) jump through all kinds of hoops, years of waiting, thousands of dollars on lawyers and fees, passing citizenship tests that US citizens born here have consistently failed, so they can "earn" what we were born with. I may be crazy but I ask myself, "how is this fair?"
To me, it's like if your parents trust you with the inheritance and they put everything in your name and then, once you have it, you become so protective of it, you start making your brothers and sisters do favors for you or pay you to "earn" their part of the inheritance. You "earned" it because your parents "chose" you? You deserve to live in this country with all of its wealth and opportunity, why?
I will never deny that oftentimes people's decisions are a huge part of what leads them to where they are, but I will also never say that it's 100% of why some people are successful and others are not or why some people are rich and others are poor or why some people live lives others can only dream of. We want to believe we earned our lives because there's security in that- there's justification in that, there's a reason that we should be able to keep our "earnings" and enjoy them ourselves without having to share. If we "earned" our country, than we have a reason to keep our country to ourselves and not let anyone else in. It's safe and it's easy and the pride behind this attitude draws us farther and farther from the truth and from God.
"For what makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not?" (Corinthians 4:7)
Lord, please give us the courage to think honestly and openly about our lives and what we have earned and what has been given to us. Help us to look outside ourselves and see the many other people who work hard, who seek opportunity, who make sacrifices we never see to have what we have. Remind us that everything we have, including our minds, our talent, our ability to make good decisions comes from you, the giver of life. NOTHING in this world is ours and all that you've given us is because you trust us to use it and care for it as your stewards. Help us to use your gifts wisely, thoughtfully and lovingly. Amen.
And we see examples all the time- kids from disadvantaged backgrounds work hard in school, earn scholarships to college and "get ahead." Likewise, sometimes very privileged kids make bad choices to party or skip school and end up dropping out, or even behind bars.
We are the land of opportunity, the land of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, of overcoming obstacles, of making something of yourself. Stories and books and movies all about people earning what they have through hard work, honesty, and good decisions.
I believe in this story too... sometimes. But I do not look back at my life and dare to believe I earned or did something to deserve everything I have. Granted, I did not have to work my way up like my father did- becoming independent at an early age, being the first in his family to think about, let alone go to college. Perhaps he has more of a justification to feel he "earned" what he did.
I, on the other hand, look back at my life and see so many blessings I never brought upon myself. I was born to parents who loved each other and were faithful to each other and who loved me. I was able to play as a child and participate in activities like piano lessons, dance classes, soccer, and theatre groups, always with the support of my family. My mother was always around to help with homework and shower my sisters and I with love and attention. We were all expected to excel in school and given the support we needed to do it. We were shown how to make good decisions by examples in our family and friends' families.
My base as a young child and then a young woman has served me in ALL that I have accomplished and all I will ever be. I have my parents to thank. I have God to thank. As for my own role, I have made some hard decisions and some sacrifices, but because of my upbringing, looking back it all seems relatively easy.
Juan Carlos has worked ever since he can remember. When his mother didn't have money and all they had was a couple cows, his uncle (his mother's brother) "charged" them to keep the cows on his land by using Juan Carlos and his brothers to work for him on his farm for years. He never paid them a dime. They would get up at 5:00am to milk the cows, take them out to the pasture, come home for lunch around 12:00noon, take a shower, and go to school. When Juan Carlos started this routine he was only 7 years old.
By the time Juan Carlos came to the United States at 17, he had already been working over half his life. It was natural just to keep working. Yet, in the now 20 years that my husband has been working, he probably hasn't made as much money as I have in 10. Why is that? Because he doesn't deserve it? He doesn't work as hard as me or others? He didn't choose the right "career"?
Why do we, who are privileged just to be born in a country where we can speak freely, where we can have a public education, where we can generally walk down the street and not worry about who will rob us, feel like we did something to deserve this?
We want to make New Americans (immigrants) jump through all kinds of hoops, years of waiting, thousands of dollars on lawyers and fees, passing citizenship tests that US citizens born here have consistently failed, so they can "earn" what we were born with. I may be crazy but I ask myself, "how is this fair?"
To me, it's like if your parents trust you with the inheritance and they put everything in your name and then, once you have it, you become so protective of it, you start making your brothers and sisters do favors for you or pay you to "earn" their part of the inheritance. You "earned" it because your parents "chose" you? You deserve to live in this country with all of its wealth and opportunity, why?
I will never deny that oftentimes people's decisions are a huge part of what leads them to where they are, but I will also never say that it's 100% of why some people are successful and others are not or why some people are rich and others are poor or why some people live lives others can only dream of. We want to believe we earned our lives because there's security in that- there's justification in that, there's a reason that we should be able to keep our "earnings" and enjoy them ourselves without having to share. If we "earned" our country, than we have a reason to keep our country to ourselves and not let anyone else in. It's safe and it's easy and the pride behind this attitude draws us farther and farther from the truth and from God.
"For what makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not?" (Corinthians 4:7)
Lord, please give us the courage to think honestly and openly about our lives and what we have earned and what has been given to us. Help us to look outside ourselves and see the many other people who work hard, who seek opportunity, who make sacrifices we never see to have what we have. Remind us that everything we have, including our minds, our talent, our ability to make good decisions comes from you, the giver of life. NOTHING in this world is ours and all that you've given us is because you trust us to use it and care for it as your stewards. Help us to use your gifts wisely, thoughtfully and lovingly. Amen.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
First Ultrasound
This week has been incredible. Monday morning my mom accompanied me to a second doctor's appointment, where we were able to hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! I was so thrilled. I didn't quite cry but I definitely got teary. I felt so relieved to know the baby was alive and well in there.
Yesterday, Juan Carlos and I had our first ultrasound with this pregnancy. I was really having a hard time waiting for the appointment, since I accidentally totally overloaded my bladder and we had to get there early and they called us in about 20 minutes late. I just kept breathing and telling myself- this is nothing compared to childbirth- you can do this...
When I laid down, the technician said my bladder was too full to even get a good picture- she could tell I was bursting and apologized that we had to wait so long- then she asked me to do what I thought would be impossible and empty my bladder... but not all the way... I did my best and felt so much better afterwards, so I could enjoy the ultrasound much more.
We were both nervous since the ultrasound with the first baby was when we found out about complications, but she told us everything looks great for what they can tell at 11 weeks. I am planning to call tomorrow just to make sure that's still the story, but we both feel relieved. The baby was quite squirmy and it was fun to see her moving around in there. I am so excited to be able to start feeling the baby kick.
Another fun tradition we've started with this baby is that the name changes every week according to the size of the baby that particular week- I started by referring to the baby as "blueberry" when he was just the size of a blueberry and it stuck for awhile, but then I showed Juan Carlos the baby had grown to the size of a fig, so when I referred to the baby as blueberry yesterday, JC corrected me and said, "No she's a fig now" He calls me during the day and asks, "how are you and "fig"?"
This weekend we are celebrating our two-year anniversary (Oct. 27th) with Juan Carlos's family and we're planning to let them in on the big news then- it will be fun to have pictures too! Most of my family already knows.
Thank you so much all of you that have been praying for us. I promise I will never take this incredibly blessing for granted- I know we are already so lucky and so blessed to have been given two children. Selfishly, I continue to pray that this baby will grow healthy and strong and stick around for a long time, while continuing to thank God for every day He's already given me with our children. Your continued prayers and support are still much needed and appreciated. Thank you again! God Bless!
Yesterday, Juan Carlos and I had our first ultrasound with this pregnancy. I was really having a hard time waiting for the appointment, since I accidentally totally overloaded my bladder and we had to get there early and they called us in about 20 minutes late. I just kept breathing and telling myself- this is nothing compared to childbirth- you can do this...
When I laid down, the technician said my bladder was too full to even get a good picture- she could tell I was bursting and apologized that we had to wait so long- then she asked me to do what I thought would be impossible and empty my bladder... but not all the way... I did my best and felt so much better afterwards, so I could enjoy the ultrasound much more.
We were both nervous since the ultrasound with the first baby was when we found out about complications, but she told us everything looks great for what they can tell at 11 weeks. I am planning to call tomorrow just to make sure that's still the story, but we both feel relieved. The baby was quite squirmy and it was fun to see her moving around in there. I am so excited to be able to start feeling the baby kick.
Another fun tradition we've started with this baby is that the name changes every week according to the size of the baby that particular week- I started by referring to the baby as "blueberry" when he was just the size of a blueberry and it stuck for awhile, but then I showed Juan Carlos the baby had grown to the size of a fig, so when I referred to the baby as blueberry yesterday, JC corrected me and said, "No she's a fig now" He calls me during the day and asks, "how are you and "fig"?"
This weekend we are celebrating our two-year anniversary (Oct. 27th) with Juan Carlos's family and we're planning to let them in on the big news then- it will be fun to have pictures too! Most of my family already knows.
Thank you so much all of you that have been praying for us. I promise I will never take this incredibly blessing for granted- I know we are already so lucky and so blessed to have been given two children. Selfishly, I continue to pray that this baby will grow healthy and strong and stick around for a long time, while continuing to thank God for every day He's already given me with our children. Your continued prayers and support are still much needed and appreciated. Thank you again! God Bless!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Immigration Part II: Legality and the Law
"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's" Luke 20: 25
My purpose of this post is really quite simple. It is to take a closer look at "the law" what it is, why it is and why people do or don't follow it.
Most of the protest I've heard in regards to illegal immigration is that it is, in essence, illegal. People who do illegal things are criminals and do not deserve to be here.
Personally, I have always considered myself a rule-follower for the most part. I am generally a law abiding person, but I am grateful that I follow laws and rules not because they are laws and rules but because I understand why the laws are in place and why my participation in the system is important for myself and for society.
For example, there are plenty of times I probably could have stolen something. If I was only concerned with "getting caught" or only followed the rule because it was the rule, I might have. It's not that I don't steal because it's illegal. I don't steal because, in general, I don't need to and I don't believe it's right.
However, I think the important thing to remember about the law is two-fold: 1) it's manmade and it's imperfect and 2) it can change.
Let me give some examples. Many people I know strongly disagree with the legality of abortion. But it's legal. Is the law perfect? In the 19th century in the US, slavery was legal- did that make it "right" then? Or now? It used to be illegal for women to vote or work outside the home- that changed...
In Nazi Germany during WWII, it was illegal to "harbor Jews" who were trying to escape. But most today would call the people that helped them "heroes"
Immigration law is complex and difficult for me to understand, let alone find a solution to- I understand a nation has to protect its own interests to some extent, but I do think in the case of the United States, there must be more emphasis put on finding ways to match needing people to places that need their labor... legally. There needs to be more emphasis on US foreign policy and fair trade so that countries are allowed to develop their own infrastructure if they so choose, thereby curbing the necessity for people to leave their homes. Briefly, there needs to be more emphasis on the "big picture."
The problem with current enforcement efforts (immigration raids at people's homes and workplaces) is that it is punishing people who are doing productive things like working and taking care of their family and more than anything, it is the enforcement of a broken law. With an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in the United States a couple years ago, something is not working.
We've tried building walls, doing raids, limiting the ability to get IDs, but it's not working. Instead of continuing to push the same antiquated policies, maybe it's time to look at the system and to ask ourselves "what isn't working here?" The draw is still too strong - the push too great to keep people where they are.
I have often thought I would rather abortion be legal and nobody want it than for it to be illegal and have women crossing state or national borders and taking part in risky procedures to do it anyway. Likewise, I would rather have open borders and no one need to come than closed borders with would-be immigrants lining up on one side and our crops dying out on the other, with no one to pick them.
Rather than quickly judge those that break the law, I challenge you to look at the law for yourself and make some judgements about what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. We have such a tendency to want to protect that of our country without considering as closely that of our consciences- that which matters to our brothers and sisters and ultimately, to our salvation.
Lord, please help us to discern what it is you desire of us and of our blessed country. Help us to have the courage to look critically at the law not only through the eyes of our government but through Your eyes. Help us to look at immigrants and immigration law as You see them- with compassion and in a context that illuminates the truth. Amen.
My purpose of this post is really quite simple. It is to take a closer look at "the law" what it is, why it is and why people do or don't follow it.
Most of the protest I've heard in regards to illegal immigration is that it is, in essence, illegal. People who do illegal things are criminals and do not deserve to be here.
Personally, I have always considered myself a rule-follower for the most part. I am generally a law abiding person, but I am grateful that I follow laws and rules not because they are laws and rules but because I understand why the laws are in place and why my participation in the system is important for myself and for society.
For example, there are plenty of times I probably could have stolen something. If I was only concerned with "getting caught" or only followed the rule because it was the rule, I might have. It's not that I don't steal because it's illegal. I don't steal because, in general, I don't need to and I don't believe it's right.
However, I think the important thing to remember about the law is two-fold: 1) it's manmade and it's imperfect and 2) it can change.
Let me give some examples. Many people I know strongly disagree with the legality of abortion. But it's legal. Is the law perfect? In the 19th century in the US, slavery was legal- did that make it "right" then? Or now? It used to be illegal for women to vote or work outside the home- that changed...
In Nazi Germany during WWII, it was illegal to "harbor Jews" who were trying to escape. But most today would call the people that helped them "heroes"
Immigration law is complex and difficult for me to understand, let alone find a solution to- I understand a nation has to protect its own interests to some extent, but I do think in the case of the United States, there must be more emphasis put on finding ways to match needing people to places that need their labor... legally. There needs to be more emphasis on US foreign policy and fair trade so that countries are allowed to develop their own infrastructure if they so choose, thereby curbing the necessity for people to leave their homes. Briefly, there needs to be more emphasis on the "big picture."
The problem with current enforcement efforts (immigration raids at people's homes and workplaces) is that it is punishing people who are doing productive things like working and taking care of their family and more than anything, it is the enforcement of a broken law. With an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in the United States a couple years ago, something is not working.
We've tried building walls, doing raids, limiting the ability to get IDs, but it's not working. Instead of continuing to push the same antiquated policies, maybe it's time to look at the system and to ask ourselves "what isn't working here?" The draw is still too strong - the push too great to keep people where they are.
I have often thought I would rather abortion be legal and nobody want it than for it to be illegal and have women crossing state or national borders and taking part in risky procedures to do it anyway. Likewise, I would rather have open borders and no one need to come than closed borders with would-be immigrants lining up on one side and our crops dying out on the other, with no one to pick them.
Rather than quickly judge those that break the law, I challenge you to look at the law for yourself and make some judgements about what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. We have such a tendency to want to protect that of our country without considering as closely that of our consciences- that which matters to our brothers and sisters and ultimately, to our salvation.
Lord, please help us to discern what it is you desire of us and of our blessed country. Help us to have the courage to look critically at the law not only through the eyes of our government but through Your eyes. Help us to look at immigrants and immigration law as You see them- with compassion and in a context that illuminates the truth. Amen.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My Generous Mother
I really am constantly blown away by the generosity of my parents, but especially of my mom. I really don't think she is capable of hearing about a person in need and not doing anything. She has such an amazingly huge heart and is always doing things for other people.
I grew up not always sure if I was going to get to soccer practice on time because if someone was stopped on the side of the freeway, my mom would stop and make sure they were ok and ask if they needed help. In my younger years, this was embarassing more often than not but I've come to appreciate the sincere concern behind this habit my mom had.
My mom has ALWAYS been a volunteer- through school and through church and sometimes through my dad's soccer club, I cannot even count how many projects have been on our kitchen table and kitchen counter that she has done just because it needed done without any monetary reward and usually with little to no recognition. She is the angel behind many conferences, retreats, lunches, dinners, school events, theater productions, sports fundraisers, and innumerable other things.
When my mom goes shopping, she usually spends more than my father would like, but it's almost never on herself. She hears that Juan Carlos's mom wants a new winter coat and goes out and buys one for her. She hears that some kids at school need shinguards and she goes to get them some. And then of course, she's always thinking of my sisters and I in her purchases- at least half my wardrobe is things she has picked up for me, just because...
I've always been fascinated by how my mom interacts with different kinds of people- she can be in a room with the president of a university, a millionaire, a drug addict, a little girl in a wheelchair with cerebral palsey, a monk from India, and a homeless man and she treats them all exactly the same. Sometimes I've questioned whether she's actually blind, because she really seems to see past people's outsides and into their hearts.
She has been a second mom and confidant to countless young people (and sometimes older people) who need her. For some reason, she invites people to share more with her than they might with other adults. She never hides how she feels or changes to try to be "cool" to fit in but she listens and she understands and she gives good, solid, honest, moral advice. I really think young people crave that in a world where truth seems to be hidden amidst so many lies...
I could go on forever, but I just wanted to take a moment (or a couple) to recognize how incredibly blessed I am to have such an incredible woman as my mother. I really feel there isn't anything she wouldn't do for me. I can call her at any time any day- at 25, just like when I was 3. I cherish her and our relationship and am eternally indebted and grateful for everything she's done for me. I only hope someday I can be half as generous as my mom has been. Her example constantly inspires me to give more.
I love you, Mom. You are truly amazing- I can't even put into words how much I admire you. Thank you for being who you are- who God has called you to be- day in and day out. I know it's not easy- the more I grow up, the more I appreciate you and wonder how you did it. I'm so happy we live close and you can be such a big part of my life. I will always thank God for giving me to you and you to me.
I grew up not always sure if I was going to get to soccer practice on time because if someone was stopped on the side of the freeway, my mom would stop and make sure they were ok and ask if they needed help. In my younger years, this was embarassing more often than not but I've come to appreciate the sincere concern behind this habit my mom had.
My mom has ALWAYS been a volunteer- through school and through church and sometimes through my dad's soccer club, I cannot even count how many projects have been on our kitchen table and kitchen counter that she has done just because it needed done without any monetary reward and usually with little to no recognition. She is the angel behind many conferences, retreats, lunches, dinners, school events, theater productions, sports fundraisers, and innumerable other things.
When my mom goes shopping, she usually spends more than my father would like, but it's almost never on herself. She hears that Juan Carlos's mom wants a new winter coat and goes out and buys one for her. She hears that some kids at school need shinguards and she goes to get them some. And then of course, she's always thinking of my sisters and I in her purchases- at least half my wardrobe is things she has picked up for me, just because...
I've always been fascinated by how my mom interacts with different kinds of people- she can be in a room with the president of a university, a millionaire, a drug addict, a little girl in a wheelchair with cerebral palsey, a monk from India, and a homeless man and she treats them all exactly the same. Sometimes I've questioned whether she's actually blind, because she really seems to see past people's outsides and into their hearts.
She has been a second mom and confidant to countless young people (and sometimes older people) who need her. For some reason, she invites people to share more with her than they might with other adults. She never hides how she feels or changes to try to be "cool" to fit in but she listens and she understands and she gives good, solid, honest, moral advice. I really think young people crave that in a world where truth seems to be hidden amidst so many lies...
I could go on forever, but I just wanted to take a moment (or a couple) to recognize how incredibly blessed I am to have such an incredible woman as my mother. I really feel there isn't anything she wouldn't do for me. I can call her at any time any day- at 25, just like when I was 3. I cherish her and our relationship and am eternally indebted and grateful for everything she's done for me. I only hope someday I can be half as generous as my mom has been. Her example constantly inspires me to give more.
I love you, Mom. You are truly amazing- I can't even put into words how much I admire you. Thank you for being who you are- who God has called you to be- day in and day out. I know it's not easy- the more I grow up, the more I appreciate you and wonder how you did it. I'm so happy we live close and you can be such a big part of my life. I will always thank God for giving me to you and you to me.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Part I: Undocumented Immigrants: Who are they?
I have avoided this post for awhile now because I feel the issue is too complicated and complex for me to ever be eloquent about it in a short post, but I've seen so many comments lately regarding how undocumented immigrants should be excluded from the health care bill that I feel an obligation to write and share what I know and believe about the issue. I'm planning to write in 4 parts: 1) Who are undocumented immigrants? 2) Legality and "the law" 3) A Sense of Entitlement 4) Catholic Social Teaching. I really hope you see me through to the end. Even if you don't agree with what I have to say, I hope it will at least help you to think differently about the issue.
I'll say first that I am not an expert, but after studying the issue and living the issue for 7 years now, I know a little- I know, for example, that it is not as simple as people simply waking up one day and choosing to do something illegal for the heck of it.
For a brief example, I think most would agree there is a difference between the following two scenarios:
A) A starving child steals a piece of bread from the local market in order to eat.
B) A rebellious teenager steals an ipod from Best Buy to show his friends he can.
Both are stealing, of course, but the motivation is clearly different and consequently, I think most of us would judge the youth differently.
I look back at myself and on my life and I see abundant blessings. I see being born to parents who loved each other and made me a priority. I see being born in the United States, a land of opportunity. I see growing up comfortably economically with everything I ever needed and many things I didn't. I see being surrounded by family that loves me and supports me. My parents always there to help me with homework, encourage me to excel in school, enroll me in extracurricular activities, coach my soccer team, on and on. I always lived in a safe neighborhood- never had to worry about crime or not having enough to eat or when I would see the people I loved again. I had hard times, of course- times I felt lonely, I was bullied, I didn't fit in, I didn't have friends... but these are tiny problems compared to what so many others face. I look back on my life and I see a life of blessings and a life of privilege, none of which I necessarily "earned" or "deserved".
I had the great honor of being able to meet my husband, Juan Carlos, five years ago. This incredible man has a very different story than mine. Juan Carlos was born in Mexico. His father was killed when he was only four years old. His mother was left alone to raise 3 little boys- 7, 4, and 6 months old. She did the best she could to provide for them, living with family to have a roof over their heads, selling the little her husband had, but by the time Juan Carlos was 12 years old, she knew there was no future for them if she didn't do something. So, she left her precious children to pursue work in Tijuana and later, in the United States. She didn't see her youngest son for TEN YEARS. She worked and sent all her savings to bring her oldest son to the United States, he worked to bring Juan Carlos and Juan Carlos worked to bring his younger brother and cousin. When Juan Carlos came to the US the first time, they told him to dress in his nicest clothes because he would be going through the line. But the plan changed. In his nicest clothes, Juan Carlos walked for 18 hours in the desert. The shoes he was wearing were comparable to a man's version of high heals- narrow and uncomfortable. By the time he got to California, his boots were torn and his feet were completely torn up, full of blisters and bleeding.
Unfortunately, the story of Juan Carlos and his family is not unique to immigrants now living in the United States. Many stories are probably even more tragic. How many people have worked their whole lives just to save enough to make the journey, to risk their lives to cross the border? How many people have died trying to make the trip? If you don't believe me, visit the border- see for yourself. Count the white crosses with the names and ages of all the people who have died- children and adults and those are just the people they have found. I have met people who spent 30 days trying to get to the United States, who practically starved to death, who will probably be in debt trying to pay off the trip for 10 years or more. I have met people who have been raped, tortured, left to die in the desert. And they do this for what? For a chance that I was born with- a chance to be here- no guarantee of a job or health care or education, no guarantee that tomorrow someone won't turn you into the migra and you'll be right back where you started. No, they have no guarantee they'll arrive alive, let alone work and be able to make a life here. But something makes it worth the risk...
I'm not sure that in the US most of us have any concept of the kind of poverty people in other countries face. In Mexico, there is no welfare, no medicaid, no social security, no food banks. In Mexico, if you don't have food, you don't eat. If you get sick and you don't have money to pay for medicine or go to the hospital, you either recover on your own or likely die. There is no safety net, as so many of us in the United States have grown up living with. In Juan Carlos's town, the average pay was around $10/day ($1 an hour). Most go without meat and sometimes eat tortillas with beans 3 times a day because there simply isn't enough money for anything else.
People who cannot earn enough to take care of their basic necessities tend to want to move. Wouldn't you? And oftentimes the opportunities to move up in their own country just aren't there. Not only is it difficult for children who have to work to focus on school, but there is also little hope for many of them that it will make any difference. Too many students continue on to graduate with a bachelor's degree only to become taxi drivers and waiters and never have an opportunity to use their education. Sometimes the jobs just simply are not available.
So, with little to no food, no hope of moving up, and stories about how in the US, you can earn as much in one hour as you do in Mexico in one day, naturally they shift their sights north toward the land of opportunity.
But why don't they come here legally? Why don't they play by the rules?
Good question. I'll tell you. According to current immigration law, there is essentially no way for someone without a very unique, special job (specialized chemical engineer, famous artist, priest) a million dollars to invest or a family member already in the US to get a visa to work/live in the United States. Just to travel to the United States on vacation, people are often required to show they have an investment, property, a business, or some compelling reason to return or they are not granted tourist visas (compare this to what US citizens have to do to travel to Mexico!) So, in short, people generally do not come here legally because they can't. It is either a wait time of anywhere from 10-30 years or there's not even a waiting list.
The US needs manual labor from other countries, but has failed to establish an effective system to legalize the process for workers from other countries to come, even temporarily, to do manual labor in the US. If there were no jobs to be had here, I can assure you no one would be risking their lives, leaving their family, and paying exorbitant amounts of money to make the trip. We've even seen it- the economic downturn has caused thousands to return to their home countries- why would they want to be poor and far away from home? But the reality is if they are coming, it's because there are jobs to be had and opportunities here they could never dream of in their home countries.
Rather than be the baker that slaps the wrist of the starving child and throws him in jail, might we, instead, be able to count our blessings and thank God that we inherited a bakery from our parents and never have to worry about what we're going to eat? Might we be the baker that sees a justice beyond what is in the law that man wrote and do what God would have us do? I believe with all my heart if that baker was Jesus and a starving child stole a piece of bread from him, Jesus would give him another piece.
Immigrants are not even stealing from us- their only "crime" is seeking opportunity, just as so many of our ancestors did so many years ago. Yet, like small children, we tell them "I was here first- this is MY country and I don't want to share it." We forget that nothing on this earth is ours, but that it is all God's. That we were given a gift and a responsibility to use it wisely...
May we see the stories of the people behind the faces of immigrants and may we approach this issue out of love and with hearts of generosity, rather than fear.
I'll say first that I am not an expert, but after studying the issue and living the issue for 7 years now, I know a little- I know, for example, that it is not as simple as people simply waking up one day and choosing to do something illegal for the heck of it.
For a brief example, I think most would agree there is a difference between the following two scenarios:
A) A starving child steals a piece of bread from the local market in order to eat.
B) A rebellious teenager steals an ipod from Best Buy to show his friends he can.
Both are stealing, of course, but the motivation is clearly different and consequently, I think most of us would judge the youth differently.
I look back at myself and on my life and I see abundant blessings. I see being born to parents who loved each other and made me a priority. I see being born in the United States, a land of opportunity. I see growing up comfortably economically with everything I ever needed and many things I didn't. I see being surrounded by family that loves me and supports me. My parents always there to help me with homework, encourage me to excel in school, enroll me in extracurricular activities, coach my soccer team, on and on. I always lived in a safe neighborhood- never had to worry about crime or not having enough to eat or when I would see the people I loved again. I had hard times, of course- times I felt lonely, I was bullied, I didn't fit in, I didn't have friends... but these are tiny problems compared to what so many others face. I look back on my life and I see a life of blessings and a life of privilege, none of which I necessarily "earned" or "deserved".
I had the great honor of being able to meet my husband, Juan Carlos, five years ago. This incredible man has a very different story than mine. Juan Carlos was born in Mexico. His father was killed when he was only four years old. His mother was left alone to raise 3 little boys- 7, 4, and 6 months old. She did the best she could to provide for them, living with family to have a roof over their heads, selling the little her husband had, but by the time Juan Carlos was 12 years old, she knew there was no future for them if she didn't do something. So, she left her precious children to pursue work in Tijuana and later, in the United States. She didn't see her youngest son for TEN YEARS. She worked and sent all her savings to bring her oldest son to the United States, he worked to bring Juan Carlos and Juan Carlos worked to bring his younger brother and cousin. When Juan Carlos came to the US the first time, they told him to dress in his nicest clothes because he would be going through the line. But the plan changed. In his nicest clothes, Juan Carlos walked for 18 hours in the desert. The shoes he was wearing were comparable to a man's version of high heals- narrow and uncomfortable. By the time he got to California, his boots were torn and his feet were completely torn up, full of blisters and bleeding.
Unfortunately, the story of Juan Carlos and his family is not unique to immigrants now living in the United States. Many stories are probably even more tragic. How many people have worked their whole lives just to save enough to make the journey, to risk their lives to cross the border? How many people have died trying to make the trip? If you don't believe me, visit the border- see for yourself. Count the white crosses with the names and ages of all the people who have died- children and adults and those are just the people they have found. I have met people who spent 30 days trying to get to the United States, who practically starved to death, who will probably be in debt trying to pay off the trip for 10 years or more. I have met people who have been raped, tortured, left to die in the desert. And they do this for what? For a chance that I was born with- a chance to be here- no guarantee of a job or health care or education, no guarantee that tomorrow someone won't turn you into the migra and you'll be right back where you started. No, they have no guarantee they'll arrive alive, let alone work and be able to make a life here. But something makes it worth the risk...
I'm not sure that in the US most of us have any concept of the kind of poverty people in other countries face. In Mexico, there is no welfare, no medicaid, no social security, no food banks. In Mexico, if you don't have food, you don't eat. If you get sick and you don't have money to pay for medicine or go to the hospital, you either recover on your own or likely die. There is no safety net, as so many of us in the United States have grown up living with. In Juan Carlos's town, the average pay was around $10/day ($1 an hour). Most go without meat and sometimes eat tortillas with beans 3 times a day because there simply isn't enough money for anything else.
People who cannot earn enough to take care of their basic necessities tend to want to move. Wouldn't you? And oftentimes the opportunities to move up in their own country just aren't there. Not only is it difficult for children who have to work to focus on school, but there is also little hope for many of them that it will make any difference. Too many students continue on to graduate with a bachelor's degree only to become taxi drivers and waiters and never have an opportunity to use their education. Sometimes the jobs just simply are not available.
So, with little to no food, no hope of moving up, and stories about how in the US, you can earn as much in one hour as you do in Mexico in one day, naturally they shift their sights north toward the land of opportunity.
But why don't they come here legally? Why don't they play by the rules?
Good question. I'll tell you. According to current immigration law, there is essentially no way for someone without a very unique, special job (specialized chemical engineer, famous artist, priest) a million dollars to invest or a family member already in the US to get a visa to work/live in the United States. Just to travel to the United States on vacation, people are often required to show they have an investment, property, a business, or some compelling reason to return or they are not granted tourist visas (compare this to what US citizens have to do to travel to Mexico!) So, in short, people generally do not come here legally because they can't. It is either a wait time of anywhere from 10-30 years or there's not even a waiting list.
The US needs manual labor from other countries, but has failed to establish an effective system to legalize the process for workers from other countries to come, even temporarily, to do manual labor in the US. If there were no jobs to be had here, I can assure you no one would be risking their lives, leaving their family, and paying exorbitant amounts of money to make the trip. We've even seen it- the economic downturn has caused thousands to return to their home countries- why would they want to be poor and far away from home? But the reality is if they are coming, it's because there are jobs to be had and opportunities here they could never dream of in their home countries.
Rather than be the baker that slaps the wrist of the starving child and throws him in jail, might we, instead, be able to count our blessings and thank God that we inherited a bakery from our parents and never have to worry about what we're going to eat? Might we be the baker that sees a justice beyond what is in the law that man wrote and do what God would have us do? I believe with all my heart if that baker was Jesus and a starving child stole a piece of bread from him, Jesus would give him another piece.
Immigrants are not even stealing from us- their only "crime" is seeking opportunity, just as so many of our ancestors did so many years ago. Yet, like small children, we tell them "I was here first- this is MY country and I don't want to share it." We forget that nothing on this earth is ours, but that it is all God's. That we were given a gift and a responsibility to use it wisely...
May we see the stories of the people behind the faces of immigrants and may we approach this issue out of love and with hearts of generosity, rather than fear.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Today
When a couple loses an unborn first child, it's not just a matter of saying goodbye to that child, but also involves wondering whether God will ever bless them with any child to care for and raise and if God does bless them with another child, how will they get through those first several months until the risk of miscarriage goes down and they can be relatively sure this baby's going to stick around for awhile...
When I was 19, on my way to spend 4 months in Chile, the longest I had ever been away from my family, let alone my country, I started to freak out. My younger sister, ever-wise, told me "Don't think of it as 4 months, Janelle. Think of it as today. Just think of what you're doing right now- what you have to do in 5 minutes. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live today." I took her advice and I thought about checking in my bags, walking to the terminal, getting on the airplane and step by step, I spent an amazing four months of my life in one of the longest countries in the world and in focusing day by day, I think I made the most out of it that I possibly could have.
Before I got pregnant I was telling her how I didn't know how I'd be able to do it- 4 months to pass the 16 week mark when I lost Angelica, of worrying, of wondering of waiting....
Again, she told me, "You can't focus on the time Janelle. The time will pass. Focus on today. Today you are not pregnant. But when you are, each day you can wake up and say 'today I'm pregnant and just focus on that one day.'"
And again, I have taken her words to heart. I wake up in the morning, touch my belly and say, "Thank you, God, for another day with my baby- with our baby. "
It really gives me a sense of peace to see the blessing in what I've already been given because I already have something no one can ever take away from me. I have today- this moment- with my precious child- the child God has entrusted me with. I don't know how long this child will be with me here on earth, but I know God has given me today and that gift is all I could ever ask for.
When I was 19, on my way to spend 4 months in Chile, the longest I had ever been away from my family, let alone my country, I started to freak out. My younger sister, ever-wise, told me "Don't think of it as 4 months, Janelle. Think of it as today. Just think of what you're doing right now- what you have to do in 5 minutes. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live today." I took her advice and I thought about checking in my bags, walking to the terminal, getting on the airplane and step by step, I spent an amazing four months of my life in one of the longest countries in the world and in focusing day by day, I think I made the most out of it that I possibly could have.
Before I got pregnant I was telling her how I didn't know how I'd be able to do it- 4 months to pass the 16 week mark when I lost Angelica, of worrying, of wondering of waiting....
Again, she told me, "You can't focus on the time Janelle. The time will pass. Focus on today. Today you are not pregnant. But when you are, each day you can wake up and say 'today I'm pregnant and just focus on that one day.'"
And again, I have taken her words to heart. I wake up in the morning, touch my belly and say, "Thank you, God, for another day with my baby- with our baby. "
It really gives me a sense of peace to see the blessing in what I've already been given because I already have something no one can ever take away from me. I have today- this moment- with my precious child- the child God has entrusted me with. I don't know how long this child will be with me here on earth, but I know God has given me today and that gift is all I could ever ask for.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
First appointment and TRUST
So, I had my first appointment yesterday. I was really hoping to be able to hear the heartbeat, but they said it was still too early for the equipment they had to pick it up. I'll have to wait until our first ultrasound on October 21st.
My mom came with me since Juan Carlos had to work late - I am so grateful for her. I told her I was nervous and she gave me this, which she heard on a Catholic radio station she listens to regularly now.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
True
Resolve
Under
Severe
Testing
I certainly feel "tested" lately- from wondering if I am feeling "too good" for the first trimester to being worried about putting on too much weight too fast, I long for a sense of peace- that feeling that everything is going to be ok.
I know now, more than ever, that there are no guarantees- yet, I have to learn to get past that- peace does not come from guarantees that things will work out the way we want, but rather from trusting that regardless of what happens, God will be there.
May God being here with me nomatter what happens finally be enough to give me peace and may I have the faith I need to get through this, for faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1
My mom came with me since Juan Carlos had to work late - I am so grateful for her. I told her I was nervous and she gave me this, which she heard on a Catholic radio station she listens to regularly now.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
True
Resolve
Under
Severe
Testing
I certainly feel "tested" lately- from wondering if I am feeling "too good" for the first trimester to being worried about putting on too much weight too fast, I long for a sense of peace- that feeling that everything is going to be ok.
I know now, more than ever, that there are no guarantees- yet, I have to learn to get past that- peace does not come from guarantees that things will work out the way we want, but rather from trusting that regardless of what happens, God will be there.
May God being here with me nomatter what happens finally be enough to give me peace and may I have the faith I need to get through this, for faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1
Monday, October 5, 2009
My incredible husband
It would have been hard to imagine the first year we were married that I could ever feel this close to Juan Carlos or love him this much. Don't get me wrong- I loved him for sure- there are few other things that would compel a person to make a lifelong committment as profound as marriage out of their free will... but recently, I've just been blown away by his care and concern. His example makes me want to try harder and be better too and now I understand what this sacrament is supposed to be for people.
Even though he comes from a culture where it is not particularly "macho" to clean the house or make dinner, we agreed that since we both worked outside the home, we would both work inside the home as well. It wasn't always this way, but now he does more than his fair share. He takes care of the yard- even getting up early on his weekends to mow the lawn. He's also been helping to make or just making dinner on nights when I have to teach class in the evenings or just come home not feeling well.
I took a group of Latino students to a conference on Friday and Saturday and came home very late (12:30am) on Saturday night. I expected to find the house a mess since I knew Juan Carlos had friends over, with beer bottles and plates and ceviche remnants everywhere, but I was pleasantly surprised to see the kitchen was immaculate when I walked in.
When I went to the bedroom, it looked cleaner than when I had left and when I walked into the bathroom, I realized he had cleaned it all too. That alone was enough to make me want to cry in my state, but that wasn't all. He told me he had taken on another job on Sunday morning so he could make some money to take me out to dinner. And so, after staying up late Saturday night drinking with his brother and cousins, he got up early on Sunday morning and went to work.
And Sunday evening he took me out to dinner. All week I have been trying to mail a letter to my sister for her birthday and I ran out of stamps and haven't had a moment to even run and get some. He knew it was on my mind. So after dinner, while I took him mom home, he stopped at the store and got me stamps. It was so incredibly thoughtful and made me feel so loved.
Such seemingly small, seemingly unimportant things that make a world of difference for a relationship. It's not easy to be responsible or loving sometimes- a person would rather sit down on the couch and relax after work than cut up meat and vegetables and start cooking something. Most people would rather sleep in on a Saturday morning than go to work or work in the yard... but making the hard choice, doing the undesirable, responsible, loving thing instead brings you into such a deeper intimacy with the people you love. And that, in the end, really is worth it.
Even though he comes from a culture where it is not particularly "macho" to clean the house or make dinner, we agreed that since we both worked outside the home, we would both work inside the home as well. It wasn't always this way, but now he does more than his fair share. He takes care of the yard- even getting up early on his weekends to mow the lawn. He's also been helping to make or just making dinner on nights when I have to teach class in the evenings or just come home not feeling well.
I took a group of Latino students to a conference on Friday and Saturday and came home very late (12:30am) on Saturday night. I expected to find the house a mess since I knew Juan Carlos had friends over, with beer bottles and plates and ceviche remnants everywhere, but I was pleasantly surprised to see the kitchen was immaculate when I walked in.
When I went to the bedroom, it looked cleaner than when I had left and when I walked into the bathroom, I realized he had cleaned it all too. That alone was enough to make me want to cry in my state, but that wasn't all. He told me he had taken on another job on Sunday morning so he could make some money to take me out to dinner. And so, after staying up late Saturday night drinking with his brother and cousins, he got up early on Sunday morning and went to work.
And Sunday evening he took me out to dinner. All week I have been trying to mail a letter to my sister for her birthday and I ran out of stamps and haven't had a moment to even run and get some. He knew it was on my mind. So after dinner, while I took him mom home, he stopped at the store and got me stamps. It was so incredibly thoughtful and made me feel so loved.
Such seemingly small, seemingly unimportant things that make a world of difference for a relationship. It's not easy to be responsible or loving sometimes- a person would rather sit down on the couch and relax after work than cut up meat and vegetables and start cooking something. Most people would rather sleep in on a Saturday morning than go to work or work in the yard... but making the hard choice, doing the undesirable, responsible, loving thing instead brings you into such a deeper intimacy with the people you love. And that, in the end, really is worth it.
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