Two years ago today, Juan Carlos and I committed our lives to each other. Marriage has been incredible. It's strange to think we've only been married two years because we have already gone through so much. Everyone says marriage can be hard and that there are challenges, but I guess I expected them to be more like squeezing the toothpaste in the wrong place or leaving the toilet seat up kinds of challenges, not challenges like facing huge losses together.
Juan Carlos and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged, so I thought we knew each other pretty well, but I have to say our first year was spent really getting to know each other on a whole different level. We did not live together before we got married, so we were getting used to compromising on chores, grocery shopping, how we wanted to decorate, what kind of furniture we would buy and how much we would spend and all those day to day decisions couples make. But we were also negotiating our time and how we could maintain our own separate lives with family and friends while also nurture and grow our new relationship as husband and wife. And it was hard. I was lonely sometimes and wondered whether we had really made the best choice.
In Spanish there is a saying, "Hablando se entiende todo" which means "Talking you can understand anything" I think that really came into play the first half of our marriage. We talked (sometimes not so nicely) and talked and talked and slowly we were able to come to more and more of an understanding about the other person, what we needed and what we could change to be better for one another. I will always value the communication in our relationship and being able to freely express what we are feeling. I think it got us through some difficult times. I also think we had to make a very conscious choice several times to stay together- we had to put our relationship above what we may have wanted as individuals to make it a priority and to make it work.
Just when it seemed we had started to get into a nice routine and come to an understanding, we were hit with some of the most difficult experiences of my life. In March of 2008, we lost our entire savings when we accidentally bought a vehicle that turned out to be stolen. To this day, it's still saddening to think how nice that extra financial security would have been- all the things we could have used the money for, but a part of me also feels that the lesson of getting through such a difficult thing and doing it together has been priceless for our relationship. Then we struggled through the following summer bouncing from dr. appt. to dr. appt. being told I couldn't get pregnant, that I might have a tumor in my brain, and all kinds of other things, only to learn in September I was already 12 weeks pregnant and one month later, in October, that the baby's heart stopped beating.
The emotional rollercoaster was devastating for us and I spent the winter struggling through an all-consuming depression. Juan Carlos would beg me to go a day without crying. On top of it, we couldn't seem to get pregnant again. The grief of losing our first child was multiplied by the grief of thinking we may never be parents. I was still hopeful about adoption until I learned that we may not qualify because of our immigration status. It was so hard to keep hope. It seemed person after person got pregnant and had their babies successfully, while I dwelled in a bubble of lonliness, fear and despair.
Then, when I had pretty much resigned myself to not being able to have children of our own, we were blessed with another miracle- a second child. Sometimes I wonder how our lives might be different if we had been able to have children right away or we had an extra $10,000 in the bank or if our story had taken some other turns. Two years and a lifetime of experience later, what different people we are, what different perspectives we have... though I would never wish hardship and loss on anyone, I really do believe God works through it and we are changed. I know because stories that didn't make me cry before bring tears to my eyes, we are inspired to help in ways we may not have before- we have become not only a bonded couple but a family, brought closer not only by our love for one another but our love through hardship.
Now, I tell Juan Carlos I love him more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful for all of his patience and his support and that he has been the one God chose to stand by me in such incredibly challenging times.
I now look forward to and hope for a brighter time in our relationship- one of celebration and joy. Though we never know what lies ahead, I am once again hopeful that the sun will continue to shine on us for awhile longer. Though the scars never fully fade, I hope they serve to remind us of what we have to treasure in this life and in all that is to come.
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