Best Husband Ever!

I am just feeling especially grateful for my husband again lately. He was so supportive today when my grandma, aunt and uncle came to visit, helping to get everyone coffee, let the dog out, and clean up. He has been so supportive and kind, encouraging me to rest and asking what he can do to help when I'm running around trying to get the house cleaned and get myself ready at the same time.

We've had such wonderful, loving time together lately in between get togethers and different festivities. I'm so excited because we also both have this next week off to enjoy together!! What a treat! It makes it so much easier to be loving when you feel loved, that's for sure. Thank God for great partners- I feel so blessed!

Not as I imagined...

I seem to constantly be in a place where my dreams or hopes or desires for myself or my life don't seem to match the reality... Recently has been no exception. I don't know if it's an extra "nesting" tendency because of being pregnant or just where I'm at right now, but it's really been getting to me that Christmas preparations haven't gone as planned (no tree, no table runner, no lights outside ultimately... you would hardly know it's Christmas at my house) nor has our living situation in our new home.

If things were my preference, I would want our home to be a peaceful, quiet, clean place for Juan Carlos and I to come home to every night, with candles and a beautiful Christmas tree to sit by. We could watch TV or talk to our heart's desire with no interruptions. The messes that exist would be ours and I would feel happy to invite anyone over anytime with relative certainty that the house was in fine condition.

However, in August of last year, a cousin of Juan Carlos's (who had been out of work for half the year) found himself without anywhere to stay. Juan Carlos, with his big heart, said he could stay with us for awhile.... well, awhile has now turned into 5 months. Meanwhile, Juan Carlos's brother and his wife had some problems and separated so Juan Carlos's brother has been staying with us for the past couple months as well in the "would -be baby" room. Our 3 bedroom house is now totally full.

I have come home to find that Juan Carlos's brother (with the best of intentions) bleached our new carpet (for which I have found no reasonable remedy) when trying to get out a stain. I've come home to all the sandwich meat being gone or all the milk being out and needing to run to the store to get more. I've come home to all "the guys" huddled around the computer watching boxing or hunting or rodeos or looking for cars, to people in my living room at 11:30 at night drinking that I didn't invite over, to the TV being on constantly, to no room for me on the couch- all when all I want is a peaceful evening (or several) with my husband.

Yet, I feel bad even complaining because clearly, these people are going through difficult times right now, being out of work, dealing with tough relationships, etc. My small sacrifices really are small in comparison to what many go through and so, I've decided to do my very best for the next few days, in preparation for Christmas, to stop myself when I get angry or annoyed and to give up "the way I want things" as a kind of gift, a way to thank God for all I have and that I even have a home and rooms and food to share with people that need it. That, in and of itself, is a privilege and I have to remember that...

May all of you find peace in whatever situations you find yourselves in this Christmas season and may we all find a way to focus on the truly important things- beyond stained carpets and extra trips to the store, the ways that we can love each other... as God loves us.

Surprises

Several things have surprised me about being pregnant and I just want to put them out there before I forget:

1) How similar my belly stretching feels to times before when I would push it out on purpose to see what I might look like when I was pregnant

2) How much my tummy itches (more and more)

3) How everyone touches my belly up high but I feel the baby down much lower

4) How infrequent the first movement was and how similar it felt to a pulse that would start and stop for a long time and how I could sometimes get myself into positions that I could feel it better- I really wasn't sure that was it, but now I think it must have been...

5) How the movement feels now, sometimes like going downhill or over a bump in the road really fast

6) Who asks about my growing belly and who hasn't said anything at all

7) How relatively little morning sickness I got (maybe because Juan Carlos shared it a little)

8) How much I have not had issues with sciatica (I have struggled with sciatica (pinched nerve) in my back for several years on and off and it hasn't acted up at all so far- what a blessing!)

9) My first experience with heartburn- I don't think I've ever gotten it before

10) My incredible appetite- I feel hungry all the time and I have throughout this pregnancy, even in the first trimester- people ask if I have cravings and my only real answer is I crave anything someone mentions. If someone says, "pizza" or "shrimp" or whatever, I just have to have it... so please be careful when you talk about food around me ; )

11) That I haven't gotten sick- I got sick at the very beginning, when I was only around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and then I got a little stomach bug recently but overall, I've been really blessed to not have gotten sick yet this winter

12) Finally, I've surprised myself with how much I am taking this pregnancy one step at a time and really not thinking that much about the future- maybe a blessing in disguise of having experiences that the future didn't hold what I thought. For whatever reason, I like the change and feel like it is helping me to appreciate what "is" more and not worry so much about what's coming....

Baby Update!!

We had an ultrasound on December 17th and got to see our little GIRL for the second time!! That's right! We're having a beautiful little girl and we're so excited!! Honestly, I got really excited Friday morning when I called Group Health to plead someone to not make me wait until my appointment on the 29th to know if everything was ok and the woman on the other line (a nurse or midwife) looked up the ultrasound and said everything was normal!! Thank God!!

I feel absolutely and totally blessed to have a healthy baby and am so so grateful. Some fun facts on our little one- on December 17th I was 18 weeks, 6 days (so a little behind when we orignally thought) but baby has very long legs and weighs 10 ounces (which my mom found out was usually what babies at 21 weeks weigh!) so it looks like she will be big!! We'll see...

Everything is starting to seem more real now that we can talk about her and I can go shopping for clothes and everything. My aunt and uncle generously gave us some wonderful baby things they don't need anymore, which will really help to save us some money and we are very thankful. Unfortunately, since they most recently had a boy, we probably won't be able to use too many of the clothes they had, but I'm sure they'll find another appreciative person to give them too or, if not, there's always a possible next time ; )

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue this incredible journey. Thank you for all your continued prayers and support- it really means so much to us and we're thinking of all our friends and family often this holiday season and excited to see many of you.... Many blessings!

Job Evaluation

I expected it to be bad but not this bad. My job evaluation today was absolutely devastating. My supervisor gave me "unsatisfactory" on absolutely every category- On a scale from 1-4, I got a 1 on everything. Considering the program has almost doubled since I've been there, retention has improved significantly, a variety of transitional programming and curriculum is now in place that wasn't before, and the program has not totally fallen apart, I don't know how that is even possible, but alas, it's happened.

I realize I am generally sensitive and do not take criticism well anyway, but for a sensitive person that really takes things to heart, it's going to take everything I have just to get up and go back to work tomorrow. I am trying to take what's helpful and let go of what's not, but it is so disheartening to get so much negative feedback and literally no positive feedback from a person's supervisor after working so hard.

My pride wants to quit more than anything in the world, though, as I've mentioned many times, that's just not a feasible option right now.

I really sincerely feel that this evaluation was given more out of a kind of desire for vengence than any genuine desire to help me improve at my job. I would go into detail, but I don't think it would make much sense to anyone unless they worked there and knew my supervisor.

Suffice it to say that I am really hoping some amazing news tomorrow about how the baby is doing great can make up for a very difficult, disheartening day today.

Please keep me in your prayers...

On my mind...

Yesterday, I got home from work to find Juan Carlos on the couch with his left arm totally bandaged up. He told me he accidentally shot a nail through his hand with a nail gun at work. Something about the nail hitting something hard and coming back through his hand...yuck! The poor thing has been on vicadin and antibiotics and had to have a million shots of tetanus and I don't even know what else since he told the people he hadn't been to a doctor in over 15 years....

Now, he's mostly just really frustrated to not be able to work and have an income. He's feeling a lot of money pressure with extra unexpected bills since the brakes on my car went out and we had to get that fixed and it just seems to be one thing after another. I'm not as concerned, but feel bad not knowing how to make him feel better.

I'm getting really excited and nervous for our appointment on Thursday. It's the 19 week ultrasound and we should be able to see a lot of the baby's vital organs and possibly find out if Baby Garcia is a boy or a girl! It's so exciting, but I'm also so worried- there's so much that could potentially go wrong- sometimes I think I feel the baby kick but sometimes I don't feel it for awhile and wonder if that was really the baby, if everything is ok... I just keep praying and praying. I don't know what else to do...

I'm thinking a lot about the future and future options for me as a "working mom" A good friend of mine at work is leaving for an amazing career opportunity at Seattle U. and I feel like I will miss her desperately. Plus, another great coworker is leaving to be a stay at home mom and sub at the public schools to spend more time with her family. In talking to my friend, she mentioned teaching at the college level actually seems like it would be a pretty family-friendly job, since a lot of planning can be done from home, benefits are steady, etc. I've been thinking about if we can grow the ESL Program more and open up a full time ESL teaching position if that might be better for me. I really love administration too and it would be challenging for me to teach so many classes, but the schedule really would be so much better...

I'm also really looking forward to Christmas and to being with family. At first this Christmas, I was trying to make sure we got our tree up soon and got lights on the house, got a table runner, placemats, and started 5 new family traditions and while all of that was a nice thought, we still don't have a tree (long story), the lights we got ended up being two different colors and so we had to return one set and still don't have a full set up and the Christmas traditions just haven't been working out the way I'd hoped either. Kudos to all those families that are "on top of things" for sure, but as for us, I've decided that rather than focus on adding and adding, maybe I should focus more on simplifying. It's true that beautiful traditions can create great memories, but with Juan Carlos and my style of living, I think unstructured, free time with each other and people we love may be equally if not more enjoyable and also memorable...

Please keep us in your prayers, especially for Thursday's appointment and if you have any comments, advice, etc to share, please feel free to post.

An honor

One incredibly important lesson my first daughter, Angelica, taught me was that our children are never really, totally ours. I have reflected a lot on the different ways that children come to their parents and the concept of having one's own children and how really deceptive that idea is. Sure, children who inherit our genes may have Daddy's nose and Mommy's curly hair, but ultimately, they really belong to God. We are just entrusted with these precious lives to take care of here on earth.

This has helped me to look at motherhood in a whole different way- as I was praying one morning thanking God again for the chance to be a mother and for another day with this baby, I found myself thanking Him for the honor of being able to care for His children. In this way, parents, people without children (married or single), priests, and the religious are really not so different. We all have a calling to care for His children- wherever they may appear in our lives.

And, in my case, recognizing that my children are not really my own will help me to be a better parent, I think. If children were like my own work, my own design, I would have a tendency to want to control them, shape them, make them the way I want them to be. My children are in my care, but they are not mine to control. They are mine to teach and influence, but they are not mine to make into what they will ultimately become.

We all probably dream of the "perfect" children we'll raise someday but we will all come to the sometimes harsh realization someday (if we are privileged enough to be given the blessing of children in our lives), that so much of who children are has more to do with God's intentions and design than our own.

I'm excited to see the ways our baby will act or look like Juan Carlos or me, but I am even more excited to see the ways this child will be made in God's image and show me a side of God, a picture of God, I haven't seen before. I am excited to have a child to teach and to care for, but I am even more excited to have a small soul to learn from and be fascinated by...

I am starting to get pretty nervous about an ultrasound we have coming up next week. I think I may have felt the baby kick but I'm not totally sure and I'm not sure if it's as much as it should be and I know there are so many things that could still go wrong (and right...) Whatever God's plan is for us, I pray for the grace to accept it with peace and courage and I am and always will be eternally grateful for the time and the blessings He's already given us.

El Mojado

These are the lyrics to a beautiful song by Ricardo Arjona:

El Mojado

Empaco un par de camisas, un sombrero, su vocación de aventurero, 6 consejos, 7 fotos, mil recuerdos.
Empaco sus ganas de quedarse, su condición de transformarse en el hombre que soñó y no ha logrado.
Dijo adiós con una mueca disfrazada de sonrisa. Y le suplico a su Dios crucificado en la repisa el resguardo de los suyos. Y perforo la frontera como pudo.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

El mojado tiene ganas de secarse. El mojado esta mojado por las lágrimas que bota la nostalgia.
El mojado, el indocumentado carga el bulto que el legal no cargaría ni obligado.

El suplicio de un papel lo ha convertido en fugitivo. Y no es de aquí porque su nombre no aparece en los archivos, ni es de allá porque se fue.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Mojado, Sabe a mentira tu verdad, sabe a tristeza la ansiedad de ver un freeway y soñar con la vereda que conduce hasta tu casa.

Mojado, Mojado de tanto llorar sabiendo que en algún lugar te espera un beso haciendo pausa desde el día en que te marchaste.

Si la luna suave se desliza por cualquier cornisa sin permiso alguno. Porque el mojado precisa comprobar con visas que no es de neptuno.

Si la visa universal se extiende el día en que nacemos y caduca en la muerte. Porque te persiguen mojado, si el cónsul de los cielos ya te dio permiso.

Here is a rough translation:

He packed a pair of shirts, a sombrero, his vocation of adventurer, six pieces of advice, seven photos, a thousand memories.
He packed his desire to stay, His condition of transforming into the man he dreamed about but never achieved. He said goodbye with his face feigning a smile and prayed to his god crucified on the shelf for the protection of his family and crossed the border any way he could.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

El mojado desires to be dry, el mojado is wet because of the tears wept by nostalgia el mojado, the undocumented, carries the load that the legal person would not carry, even forced.

The requirement of a piece of paper has made of him a fugitive and he is not from here because his name does not appear in the archives nor is he from over there because he left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice, without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune. Mojado, your truth tastes like lies, sadness tastes like anxiety, dreaming of the path that leads toward your home.

Mojado, mojado from so much crying, knowing that in some place a kiss waits clinging to a pause since the day that you left.

If the soft moon slides through whatever cornice without any permission then why does el mojado have to prove with visas that he is not from Neptune.

If the universal visa is granted the day we are born and expires at our death, why do they chase you mojado if the council of the heavens has already granted you permission.

Children in need

Before I could get pregnant again, I tried to be open to any possibility that God may be calling us too in order to become parents, a desire that was so heavy on my heart. I have always felt drawn towards adoption and Juan Carlos is also open to it. I started to investigate more about fostering and adoption and what would be required of us if we started to go down that path... Unfortunately, for the options we found, it seemed that Juan Carlos's legal status would be a big barrier to being able to foster or adopt children, but it has continued to be on my heart, even as I carry our own child...

In the last couple days I've watched a couple films I can't stop thinking about that have made me think a lot about people and especially children in need: Sin Nombre and The Blind Side. Then, there was Kristine's sister's blog about working with children in need in Texas who need so much care and love. I am not sure what to do with what I feel like is a "calling" of some sort at this point in my life. I'm really not sure how we are going to be able to afford some of the things this new baby will need and all the rooms in our home are filled right now with people who also need somewhere to stay, so I don't know what we would be able to offer to another child, even if the legal status wasn't a barrier... besides a lot of structure, discipline, compassion, patience, understanding and love of course... I wonder what God wants me or us to do with this on my heart...

In my heart

Although I have now, in a relatively short time, been blessed again with the opportunity to conceive and am absolutely thrilled and honored, my heart continues to ache for all the women who long to be mothers and continue to wait...

I came across a blog today of a woman who appears to be having all the doors to motherhood shut in her life, one after the other, from infertility treatment to adoption.

Please join me in praying for her and all the men and women who long to be parents and in honor of them, may we always be grateful for the children we're blessed with and not take this great responsibility and gift for granted...

Things on my mind

I'm not sure how to put my mind right now into a coherent post but I just wanted to record some of the things I'm thinking about right now. This is such a cherished time for us and I want to be able to look back and see God's providence in all that He brings us through.

Back to mass

As I was starting my new married life, I made an effort to go regularly to mass, but started to realize that I was doing it more out of habit and a feeling of obligation than true desire. I decided to take a break until I felt like I really missed it. I've gone on and off here and there, but this Advent season, I felt an especially strong pull to go back to mass. I went on Sunday and it was really wonderful. Somehow, it didn't seem full of the judgement that was there for me before and rather just full of warm people living real lives seeking inspiration and fulfillment. It was refreshing and gave me such a sense of peace and hope for this new year.

Advent

I'm trying to be much more intentional about advent and looking forward to Christmas this year. In the past, it has always kind of snuck up on me, but I want to start establishing traditions that will make Christmas really meaningful for our family.

We put lights up on our new house this year (well, technically, Juan Carlos and his brother put them up and I directed ; ) but they are beautiful and I'm excited about it!!

Juan Carlos and I are planning to get a Christmas tree soon and decorating it together. I also got an advent wreath to light each Sunday and to take a little time to pray together.

Slowly but surely, I think we'll do more and more.

Pregnancy, Maternity Leave, Work, and Childcare

As pregnancy has gone along and we've had some "successful" appointments with good news, my confidence and peace about this has been growing. I continue to pray for the health of our little one, but feel myself going from more fearful to more joyful day by day.

I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move more consistently. I think I may have felt the baby a couple times, but I'm so excited to feel him or her moving around all the time...

I had to tell my boss earlier than I was hoping (a couple days before Thanksgiving) because according to my coworkers, it was already pretty obvious. She didn't react much- just said that was great and asked when the baby was due. I guess that's a good thing. I'll probably talk to her in more detail about maternity leave, etc. as we get closer.

When I was young, my mom always worked, but always only when we were in school or something, so it really felt like she was a stay at home mom since she was always there for us at home. I loved that and always imagined myself also being a stay at home mom and being really fulfilled with that. But, like with so many things, plans change, life happens, and I fell in love with an incredible man, who unfortunately, does not have the same opportunity to bring in the income that I can. I knew that going into marriage and I have no regrets but now, thinking about our new child coming and expenses and childcare and my desire to be home as much as possible, I feel like my head is just full of thoughts and ideas and concerns all the time.

Normal daycare would not be affordable nor really desirable for us. Primarily because of the affordability factor, we have to look at other options. Juan Carlos's mom is nearby and stays home during the day, so I think we both always had her in mind for helping us with the baby. But, we know she is tired and it's not fair for us to EXPECT her to take care of the baby 8 hours a day while we're working, so I've also been feeling the need to come up with a "backup" plan or even a plan for days that she has other appointments or things she needs to do.

It would be financially impossible for me to leave my job altogether and stay home. I've thought about trying to negotiate something part-time but I'm not sure if this would be do-able for us financially or for the school... Part of me is tempted to go back to teaching part-time but that's not as stable, since it depends on students each quarter and the contracts are just quarter to quarter, I don't know how many classes I could get and I would probably have to do mornings and evenings, so I don't know when we'd get to be together as a family, which is important to me too.

In the meantime, lots of things are changing around the school and our office. We are a pretty close-knit group of coworkers- all pretty good friends, and now all that is changing... One of my coworkers has already decided to leave, another is a finalist in a job interview and may leave in January- otherwise, she'll definitely leave this fall- all of this while the school is on a hiring freeze and our department is potentially bringing in a program of 50 new students in the fall.

It's hard to know how everything will work out on so many levels but I guess that's where faith and trust come in. I've never felt so much like I didn't have a plan or even that I couldn't really make a plan, but this is probably closer to what the rest of my life will feel like than anything before.

Please pray for Juan Carlos and I as we look at our budget and try to make our best guesses about what we can afford and what we can't, financially and emotionally. Please pray for us to be open minded about sacrifices that we can and should make and for us to be able to work something out for work, childcare and everything else... Any comments or advice are welcome!!

Thanksgiving

Although the history of it may be a bit more controversial, I have always thought it is really neat to have a day set aside each year just dedicated to being thankful.

When I think of gratitude, I am often reminded of a vague memory I have of a movie scene (though I honestly can't remember which movie it is now) where two people are talking and one asks the other: "Why do you believe in God?" and the other person says (something to the effect of), "Have you ever seen the sky full of stars and just felt your heart full of gratitude? To feel grateful, you must feel grateful to someone- I think that's God."

I continue to thank God every day for my truly incredible family, loving, supportive friends, my amazing husband, my precious children (in heaven and in the womb), and all the blessings in my life. May I never take these for granted.

Thank you, Lord, for filling my heart with a gratitude that can only lead me back to You, the source of all blessings and the gift of life itself...

Feeling Grateful

I have been feeling so incredibly grateful lately for all the blessings in my life. I wish I could always see things the way I see them now but I am grateful for this glimpse into all that I have to be grateful for.

Our home

Our home, a true combination of what each of us was looking for, is everything I could want. It is simple, big enough for Juan Carlos and I, the two people we currently have living with us and will be perfect for growing our family in. It is incredibly close to everything- the freeway, our work, several stores, Juan Carlos's mother- what an incredible blessing to own our own home and one that we can be so proud of. I really want to dedicate more time to keeping it clean and taking good care of it, so it can last us many years.

Our puppy

I never thought I would be a "dog person"- I always loved horses growing up, but never had one and never was as interested in animals as others... but our little puppy came at the perfect time and has really revitalized me in so many ways. She constantly makes us laugh and though she certainly frustrates us sometimes with her accidents or chewing on things she shouldn't, we have both developed a real love for her as a very special little being who we have the privilege of caring for.

Our work

In this time that so many are struggling to find any work, let alone work they find fulfilling and meaningful, I am so grateful for my job. I am lucky to have gotten a management position recently out of school that I probably really wasn't qualified for but that has provided me with awesome opportunities to grow. In spite of my frustrations with wanting more autonomy, more support, more resources, more opportunity, I really do recognize I am so lucky to have a position that can not only support my family but that I find fulfilling and meaningful. Teaching allows me to really utilize my creative side, advising allows me to have one on one time with students which I love, and being part of a staff allows me to be part of a dynamic team, which I truly enjoy. Juan Carlos also has been working consistently with a good group of guys in construction. He is respected and has gotten raises since starting there. He has the opportunity to learn and add to his skill-base, which will help him in the future. I am so happy he is somewhere that he is treated well and respected for the hard worker he is.

Our children

Thinking of Angelica never seems to get much easier- I still feel confused and hurt sometimes about why she can't be with us now, but I was and am and will always be so grateful for her life. As both Juan Carlos and I have experienced some close calls in which we almost got seriously hurt or even could have died, I have to wonder if Angelica is somehow watching out for us from heaven. I have asked for her intercession on many occassions and she continues to be a very real part of my life even in heaven. I cannot be angry at God for giving us a child only to take her away, because I would never trade the time we had with her and the impact she's had on our lives. I look forward to telling her younger siblings about her and comforting them, too, with being able to ask for her intercession when they need it.

And, of course, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this new life that God has blessed us with. So grateful to have successfully made it through the first trimester, symbolizing a solid 3 months God has already given me with this precious child. I continue to thank God every day for this opportunity and pray that we will get to hold and care for this child a long while here on earth. I am so incredibly blessed and I'm enjoying being pregnant so much.

My body

I, like many women, have had a rocky relationship with my body over the course of my life. From wanting to be taller, thinner, have a bigger chest, a different profile, prettier eyes to being incredibly angry at my body for not doing what it "should have" in supporting Angelica's life and later not going through "normal" cycles, it's been hard for me to come to terms and feel at peace with who I am in my own body.

This pregnancy, my tummy "popped" very early and I already look like some other people I know looked at 6 months at 3. I was tempted to be disappointed that I wasn't going to have the slim pregnant figure I had hoped I would, but as I've read more about pregnancy and really come to be more in touch with the true miracle that pregnancy is, I've been able to "let it go" and be at peace with letting this process run its course. I am so grateful for my body- that I was able to ovulate again after months that I seemingly didn't, making conception possible. I am so grateful that my body has been able to support the miracle of pregnancy this long. I am thankful for my generally good health, for energy, for not being in pain, for no serious illnesses...

Our Marriage

Juan Carlos and I have grown incredibly close over our time together, but especially since the sacrament of marriage. As we took an early morning walk this morning in the cool, crisp autumn air, we talked about how it was hard to adjust to being married right away. The wedding comes and goes in a day but marriage is truly a journey and a lifetime of work. Lately, we have both had to make a lot of sacrifices and put a lot of work into serving each other and being patient with each other, but we have built up a really strong foundation for our family and our future. Just as people develop bad habits of yelling at each other, namecalling, and doing or saying hurtful things, couples can also develop habits of calling just to say "I love you", cleaning up the kitchen for the 3rd time that day without complaining, giving an unexpected hug or kiss or shoulder rub. We are not perfect by any means but we are trying to develop some of the latter habits and our relationship just seems to be getting better and better. I am so grateful for my husband and everything he is and aspires to be. And I am so excited to build the rest of my life with him.

I could go on and on, but I think it's clear for as many things as seem to not work, there are still countless things that do and I am so grateful for everything that is working out for us right now. I cherish this precious time in our life, full of hope and full of love.

A Miracle Story

I was thinking about this again last night and decided I should write about it. Juan Carlos works in construction, mostly doing framing work. Awhile ago, he was walking on some beams that were two stories high and about a foot wide, finishing the frame on top or something (I don't know much about construction). But as he was walking, he lost his footing and started to fall backwards. He said he could feel himself about half way down when all of a sudden it was like he was pushed up, he regained footing and was saved from a two story high fall. He still has no idea how he was able to get his balance again. Wow. Think someone was watching out for him?

All Souls Day/Dia de los muertos

Today is a little somber for Juan Carlos and I as we remember some incredibly important people who are no longer with us- who seemed to be with us for much too short a time. I'd like to say a little about each of them:

My aunt Kelly-

Kelly always seemed to live far from us as I was growing up so we didn't see her very often or know her very well, but I'll never forget her smile and her warmth when we did. Maybe because it was so special an occassion, she really seemed to cherish our time together. Kelly had many struggles here on earth with eating disorders and alcoholism, but even these things did not stand in the way of her family's love for her or hers for them. Her life has taught me that love is stronger than even the deepest hurt or the choices we make- God loves us in spite of how we feel or what we do. I know God loved and loves Kelly profoundly and pray that she is at peace now, at His side.

My grandpa Ben-

I feel our time with my dear grandpa was much too short. He was always so fun to visit because he was so focused on us, playing with us, spending time with us. I remember windy days on the beach where he lived, collecting sea shells, playing in the ocean and flying kites. I remember how he let us sit on his lap and play with his face for hours... I still don't know how he got it to stay in so many different ways.... I remember wanting a piggy back ride and being told that no, grandpa's back hurt. I remember that he was going to come stay with us when he was very sick but he died too soon. Rest in peace, dear Grandpa- I miss you and love you!

Evaristo Garcia-

As has been mentioned in previous posts, Juan Carlos's father died when Juan Carlos was only four years old. Most of what both of us know about him has been through stories from cousins, aunts and uncles and Juan Carlos's mother. It's sad to lose someone you've known and loved but I also feel such a loss for never having known this man- such a short, yet important part of my husband's life. He was an entrepenuer and started his own movie theater- I understand that he was very persistent in "conquistando" Juan Carlos's mother and he was always easier on the boys than she was. Sometimes his mother scolded him for not punishing them more, so when they did something bad he promised he would go spank them but he took them to another room and gave them a hug instead- he couldn't bring himself to do it... I look forward to meeting him someday in heaven for myself and pray that he is at peace and prays for us still here on earth.

Angelica Grace Garcia Martinez-

Finally, this day reminds me most of our precious daughter, so small, yet so full of life for so many months. I really believe she was strong, as she lived several weeks into the second trimester, which is rare if there is a chromosomal problem. I had thought at times in the past that when I was pregnant again, I might not feel so sad about losing her, but every time I think of her, tears still fill my eyes. It's only easier when I don't think about it- maybe that's why Juan Carlos tends to use that strategy. I guess just like any mother that has more than one child could tell you, nothing could replace the loss of one of their children. I guess that must be how God feels and why it breaks God's heart to be rejected by even one of Her billion sons and daughters. I pray that God holds her tightly in His arms until the day when I am able to meet them both in heaven.

Happy Anniversary!

Our Changed Marriage

Two years ago today, Juan Carlos and I committed our lives to each other. Marriage has been incredible. It's strange to think we've only been married two years because we have already gone through so much. Everyone says marriage can be hard and that there are challenges, but I guess I expected them to be more like squeezing the toothpaste in the wrong place or leaving the toilet seat up kinds of challenges, not challenges like facing huge losses together.

Juan Carlos and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged, so I thought we knew each other pretty well, but I have to say our first year was spent really getting to know each other on a whole different level. We did not live together before we got married, so we were getting used to compromising on chores, grocery shopping, how we wanted to decorate, what kind of furniture we would buy and how much we would spend and all those day to day decisions couples make. But we were also negotiating our time and how we could maintain our own separate lives with family and friends while also nurture and grow our new relationship as husband and wife. And it was hard. I was lonely sometimes and wondered whether we had really made the best choice.

In Spanish there is a saying, "Hablando se entiende todo" which means "Talking you can understand anything" I think that really came into play the first half of our marriage. We talked (sometimes not so nicely) and talked and talked and slowly we were able to come to more and more of an understanding about the other person, what we needed and what we could change to be better for one another. I will always value the communication in our relationship and being able to freely express what we are feeling. I think it got us through some difficult times. I also think we had to make a very conscious choice several times to stay together- we had to put our relationship above what we may have wanted as individuals to make it a priority and to make it work.

Just when it seemed we had started to get into a nice routine and come to an understanding, we were hit with some of the most difficult experiences of my life. In March of 2008, we lost our entire savings when we accidentally bought a vehicle that turned out to be stolen. To this day, it's still saddening to think how nice that extra financial security would have been- all the things we could have used the money for, but a part of me also feels that the lesson of getting through such a difficult thing and doing it together has been priceless for our relationship. Then we struggled through the following summer bouncing from dr. appt. to dr. appt. being told I couldn't get pregnant, that I might have a tumor in my brain, and all kinds of other things, only to learn in September I was already 12 weeks pregnant and one month later, in October, that the baby's heart stopped beating.

The emotional rollercoaster was devastating for us and I spent the winter struggling through an all-consuming depression. Juan Carlos would beg me to go a day without crying. On top of it, we couldn't seem to get pregnant again. The grief of losing our first child was multiplied by the grief of thinking we may never be parents. I was still hopeful about adoption until I learned that we may not qualify because of our immigration status. It was so hard to keep hope. It seemed person after person got pregnant and had their babies successfully, while I dwelled in a bubble of lonliness, fear and despair.

Then, when I had pretty much resigned myself to not being able to have children of our own, we were blessed with another miracle- a second child. Sometimes I wonder how our lives might be different if we had been able to have children right away or we had an extra $10,000 in the bank or if our story had taken some other turns. Two years and a lifetime of experience later, what different people we are, what different perspectives we have... though I would never wish hardship and loss on anyone, I really do believe God works through it and we are changed. I know because stories that didn't make me cry before bring tears to my eyes, we are inspired to help in ways we may not have before- we have become not only a bonded couple but a family, brought closer not only by our love for one another but our love through hardship.

Now, I tell Juan Carlos I love him more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful for all of his patience and his support and that he has been the one God chose to stand by me in such incredibly challenging times.

I now look forward to and hope for a brighter time in our relationship- one of celebration and joy. Though we never know what lies ahead, I am once again hopeful that the sun will continue to shine on us for awhile longer. Though the scars never fully fade, I hope they serve to remind us of what we have to treasure in this life and in all that is to come.

Immigration Part III: A Sense of Entitlement

Growing up in capitalist America, we learn from a young age that our lives are a culmination of what we make them- good choices, bad choices, hard work or laziness... based on our choices, our lives will generally follow suit.

And we see examples all the time- kids from disadvantaged backgrounds work hard in school, earn scholarships to college and "get ahead." Likewise, sometimes very privileged kids make bad choices to party or skip school and end up dropping out, or even behind bars.

We are the land of opportunity, the land of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, of overcoming obstacles, of making something of yourself. Stories and books and movies all about people earning what they have through hard work, honesty, and good decisions.

I believe in this story too... sometimes. But I do not look back at my life and dare to believe I earned or did something to deserve everything I have. Granted, I did not have to work my way up like my father did- becoming independent at an early age, being the first in his family to think about, let alone go to college. Perhaps he has more of a justification to feel he "earned" what he did.

I, on the other hand, look back at my life and see so many blessings I never brought upon myself. I was born to parents who loved each other and were faithful to each other and who loved me. I was able to play as a child and participate in activities like piano lessons, dance classes, soccer, and theatre groups, always with the support of my family. My mother was always around to help with homework and shower my sisters and I with love and attention. We were all expected to excel in school and given the support we needed to do it. We were shown how to make good decisions by examples in our family and friends' families.

My base as a young child and then a young woman has served me in ALL that I have accomplished and all I will ever be. I have my parents to thank. I have God to thank. As for my own role, I have made some hard decisions and some sacrifices, but because of my upbringing, looking back it all seems relatively easy.

Juan Carlos has worked ever since he can remember. When his mother didn't have money and all they had was a couple cows, his uncle (his mother's brother) "charged" them to keep the cows on his land by using Juan Carlos and his brothers to work for him on his farm for years. He never paid them a dime. They would get up at 5:00am to milk the cows, take them out to the pasture, come home for lunch around 12:00noon, take a shower, and go to school. When Juan Carlos started this routine he was only 7 years old.

By the time Juan Carlos came to the United States at 17, he had already been working over half his life. It was natural just to keep working. Yet, in the now 20 years that my husband has been working, he probably hasn't made as much money as I have in 10. Why is that? Because he doesn't deserve it? He doesn't work as hard as me or others? He didn't choose the right "career"?

Why do we, who are privileged just to be born in a country where we can speak freely, where we can have a public education, where we can generally walk down the street and not worry about who will rob us, feel like we did something to deserve this?

We want to make New Americans (immigrants) jump through all kinds of hoops, years of waiting, thousands of dollars on lawyers and fees, passing citizenship tests that US citizens born here have consistently failed, so they can "earn" what we were born with. I may be crazy but I ask myself, "how is this fair?"

To me, it's like if your parents trust you with the inheritance and they put everything in your name and then, once you have it, you become so protective of it, you start making your brothers and sisters do favors for you or pay you to "earn" their part of the inheritance. You "earned" it because your parents "chose" you? You deserve to live in this country with all of its wealth and opportunity, why?

I will never deny that oftentimes people's decisions are a huge part of what leads them to where they are, but I will also never say that it's 100% of why some people are successful and others are not or why some people are rich and others are poor or why some people live lives others can only dream of. We want to believe we earned our lives because there's security in that- there's justification in that, there's a reason that we should be able to keep our "earnings" and enjoy them ourselves without having to share. If we "earned" our country, than we have a reason to keep our country to ourselves and not let anyone else in. It's safe and it's easy and the pride behind this attitude draws us farther and farther from the truth and from God.

"For what makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive and if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not?" (Corinthians 4:7)

Lord, please give us the courage to think honestly and openly about our lives and what we have earned and what has been given to us. Help us to look outside ourselves and see the many other people who work hard, who seek opportunity, who make sacrifices we never see to have what we have. Remind us that everything we have, including our minds, our talent, our ability to make good decisions comes from you, the giver of life. NOTHING in this world is ours and all that you've given us is because you trust us to use it and care for it as your stewards. Help us to use your gifts wisely, thoughtfully and lovingly. Amen.

First Ultrasound

This week has been incredible. Monday morning my mom accompanied me to a second doctor's appointment, where we were able to hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! I was so thrilled. I didn't quite cry but I definitely got teary. I felt so relieved to know the baby was alive and well in there.

Yesterday, Juan Carlos and I had our first ultrasound with this pregnancy. I was really having a hard time waiting for the appointment, since I accidentally totally overloaded my bladder and we had to get there early and they called us in about 20 minutes late. I just kept breathing and telling myself- this is nothing compared to childbirth- you can do this...

When I laid down, the technician said my bladder was too full to even get a good picture- she could tell I was bursting and apologized that we had to wait so long- then she asked me to do what I thought would be impossible and empty my bladder... but not all the way... I did my best and felt so much better afterwards, so I could enjoy the ultrasound much more.

We were both nervous since the ultrasound with the first baby was when we found out about complications, but she told us everything looks great for what they can tell at 11 weeks. I am planning to call tomorrow just to make sure that's still the story, but we both feel relieved. The baby was quite squirmy and it was fun to see her moving around in there. I am so excited to be able to start feeling the baby kick.

Another fun tradition we've started with this baby is that the name changes every week according to the size of the baby that particular week- I started by referring to the baby as "blueberry" when he was just the size of a blueberry and it stuck for awhile, but then I showed Juan Carlos the baby had grown to the size of a fig, so when I referred to the baby as blueberry yesterday, JC corrected me and said, "No she's a fig now" He calls me during the day and asks, "how are you and "fig"?"

This weekend we are celebrating our two-year anniversary (Oct. 27th) with Juan Carlos's family and we're planning to let them in on the big news then- it will be fun to have pictures too! Most of my family already knows.

Thank you so much all of you that have been praying for us. I promise I will never take this incredibly blessing for granted- I know we are already so lucky and so blessed to have been given two children. Selfishly, I continue to pray that this baby will grow healthy and strong and stick around for a long time, while continuing to thank God for every day He's already given me with our children. Your continued prayers and support are still much needed and appreciated. Thank you again! God Bless!

Immigration Part II: Legality and the Law

"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's" Luke 20: 25

My purpose of this post is really quite simple. It is to take a closer look at "the law" what it is, why it is and why people do or don't follow it.

Most of the protest I've heard in regards to illegal immigration is that it is, in essence, illegal. People who do illegal things are criminals and do not deserve to be here.

Personally, I have always considered myself a rule-follower for the most part. I am generally a law abiding person, but I am grateful that I follow laws and rules not because they are laws and rules but because I understand why the laws are in place and why my participation in the system is important for myself and for society.

For example, there are plenty of times I probably could have stolen something. If I was only concerned with "getting caught" or only followed the rule because it was the rule, I might have. It's not that I don't steal because it's illegal. I don't steal because, in general, I don't need to and I don't believe it's right.

However, I think the important thing to remember about the law is two-fold: 1) it's manmade and it's imperfect and 2) it can change.

Let me give some examples. Many people I know strongly disagree with the legality of abortion. But it's legal. Is the law perfect? In the 19th century in the US, slavery was legal- did that make it "right" then? Or now? It used to be illegal for women to vote or work outside the home- that changed...

In Nazi Germany during WWII, it was illegal to "harbor Jews" who were trying to escape. But most today would call the people that helped them "heroes"

Immigration law is complex and difficult for me to understand, let alone find a solution to- I understand a nation has to protect its own interests to some extent, but I do think in the case of the United States, there must be more emphasis put on finding ways to match needing people to places that need their labor... legally. There needs to be more emphasis on US foreign policy and fair trade so that countries are allowed to develop their own infrastructure if they so choose, thereby curbing the necessity for people to leave their homes. Briefly, there needs to be more emphasis on the "big picture."

The problem with current enforcement efforts (immigration raids at people's homes and workplaces) is that it is punishing people who are doing productive things like working and taking care of their family and more than anything, it is the enforcement of a broken law. With an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in the United States a couple years ago, something is not working.

We've tried building walls, doing raids, limiting the ability to get IDs, but it's not working. Instead of continuing to push the same antiquated policies, maybe it's time to look at the system and to ask ourselves "what isn't working here?" The draw is still too strong - the push too great to keep people where they are.

I have often thought I would rather abortion be legal and nobody want it than for it to be illegal and have women crossing state or national borders and taking part in risky procedures to do it anyway. Likewise, I would rather have open borders and no one need to come than closed borders with would-be immigrants lining up on one side and our crops dying out on the other, with no one to pick them.

Rather than quickly judge those that break the law, I challenge you to look at the law for yourself and make some judgements about what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. We have such a tendency to want to protect that of our country without considering as closely that of our consciences- that which matters to our brothers and sisters and ultimately, to our salvation.

Lord, please help us to discern what it is you desire of us and of our blessed country. Help us to have the courage to look critically at the law not only through the eyes of our government but through Your eyes. Help us to look at immigrants and immigration law as You see them- with compassion and in a context that illuminates the truth. Amen.

My Generous Mother

I really am constantly blown away by the generosity of my parents, but especially of my mom. I really don't think she is capable of hearing about a person in need and not doing anything. She has such an amazingly huge heart and is always doing things for other people.

I grew up not always sure if I was going to get to soccer practice on time because if someone was stopped on the side of the freeway, my mom would stop and make sure they were ok and ask if they needed help. In my younger years, this was embarassing more often than not but I've come to appreciate the sincere concern behind this habit my mom had.

My mom has ALWAYS been a volunteer- through school and through church and sometimes through my dad's soccer club, I cannot even count how many projects have been on our kitchen table and kitchen counter that she has done just because it needed done without any monetary reward and usually with little to no recognition. She is the angel behind many conferences, retreats, lunches, dinners, school events, theater productions, sports fundraisers, and innumerable other things.

When my mom goes shopping, she usually spends more than my father would like, but it's almost never on herself. She hears that Juan Carlos's mom wants a new winter coat and goes out and buys one for her. She hears that some kids at school need shinguards and she goes to get them some. And then of course, she's always thinking of my sisters and I in her purchases- at least half my wardrobe is things she has picked up for me, just because...

I've always been fascinated by how my mom interacts with different kinds of people- she can be in a room with the president of a university, a millionaire, a drug addict, a little girl in a wheelchair with cerebral palsey, a monk from India, and a homeless man and she treats them all exactly the same. Sometimes I've questioned whether she's actually blind, because she really seems to see past people's outsides and into their hearts.

She has been a second mom and confidant to countless young people (and sometimes older people) who need her. For some reason, she invites people to share more with her than they might with other adults. She never hides how she feels or changes to try to be "cool" to fit in but she listens and she understands and she gives good, solid, honest, moral advice. I really think young people crave that in a world where truth seems to be hidden amidst so many lies...

I could go on forever, but I just wanted to take a moment (or a couple) to recognize how incredibly blessed I am to have such an incredible woman as my mother. I really feel there isn't anything she wouldn't do for me. I can call her at any time any day- at 25, just like when I was 3. I cherish her and our relationship and am eternally indebted and grateful for everything she's done for me. I only hope someday I can be half as generous as my mom has been. Her example constantly inspires me to give more.

I love you, Mom. You are truly amazing- I can't even put into words how much I admire you. Thank you for being who you are- who God has called you to be- day in and day out. I know it's not easy- the more I grow up, the more I appreciate you and wonder how you did it. I'm so happy we live close and you can be such a big part of my life. I will always thank God for giving me to you and you to me.

Part I: Undocumented Immigrants: Who are they?

I have avoided this post for awhile now because I feel the issue is too complicated and complex for me to ever be eloquent about it in a short post, but I've seen so many comments lately regarding how undocumented immigrants should be excluded from the health care bill that I feel an obligation to write and share what I know and believe about the issue. I'm planning to write in 4 parts: 1) Who are undocumented immigrants? 2) Legality and "the law" 3) A Sense of Entitlement 4) Catholic Social Teaching. I really hope you see me through to the end. Even if you don't agree with what I have to say, I hope it will at least help you to think differently about the issue.

I'll say first that I am not an expert, but after studying the issue and living the issue for 7 years now, I know a little- I know, for example, that it is not as simple as people simply waking up one day and choosing to do something illegal for the heck of it.

For a brief example, I think most would agree there is a difference between the following two scenarios:

A) A starving child steals a piece of bread from the local market in order to eat.


B) A rebellious teenager steals an ipod from Best Buy to show his friends he can.


Both are stealing, of course, but the motivation is clearly different and consequently, I think most of us would judge the youth differently.

I look back at myself and on my life and I see abundant blessings. I see being born to parents who loved each other and made me a priority. I see being born in the United States, a land of opportunity. I see growing up comfortably economically with everything I ever needed and many things I didn't. I see being surrounded by family that loves me and supports me. My parents always there to help me with homework, encourage me to excel in school, enroll me in extracurricular activities, coach my soccer team, on and on. I always lived in a safe neighborhood- never had to worry about crime or not having enough to eat or when I would see the people I loved again. I had hard times, of course- times I felt lonely, I was bullied, I didn't fit in, I didn't have friends... but these are tiny problems compared to what so many others face. I look back on my life and I see a life of blessings and a life of privilege, none of which I necessarily "earned" or "deserved".

I had the great honor of being able to meet my husband, Juan Carlos, five years ago. This incredible man has a very different story than mine. Juan Carlos was born in Mexico. His father was killed when he was only four years old. His mother was left alone to raise 3 little boys- 7, 4, and 6 months old. She did the best she could to provide for them, living with family to have a roof over their heads, selling the little her husband had, but by the time Juan Carlos was 12 years old, she knew there was no future for them if she didn't do something. So, she left her precious children to pursue work in Tijuana and later, in the United States. She didn't see her youngest son for TEN YEARS. She worked and sent all her savings to bring her oldest son to the United States, he worked to bring Juan Carlos and Juan Carlos worked to bring his younger brother and cousin. When Juan Carlos came to the US the first time, they told him to dress in his nicest clothes because he would be going through the line. But the plan changed. In his nicest clothes, Juan Carlos walked for 18 hours in the desert. The shoes he was wearing were comparable to a man's version of high heals- narrow and uncomfortable. By the time he got to California, his boots were torn and his feet were completely torn up, full of blisters and bleeding.

Unfortunately, the story of Juan Carlos and his family is not unique to immigrants now living in the United States. Many stories are probably even more tragic. How many people have worked their whole lives just to save enough to make the journey, to risk their lives to cross the border? How many people have died trying to make the trip? If you don't believe me, visit the border- see for yourself. Count the white crosses with the names and ages of all the people who have died- children and adults and those are just the people they have found. I have met people who spent 30 days trying to get to the United States, who practically starved to death, who will probably be in debt trying to pay off the trip for 10 years or more. I have met people who have been raped, tortured, left to die in the desert. And they do this for what? For a chance that I was born with- a chance to be here- no guarantee of a job or health care or education, no guarantee that tomorrow someone won't turn you into the migra and you'll be right back where you started. No, they have no guarantee they'll arrive alive, let alone work and be able to make a life here. But something makes it worth the risk...

I'm not sure that in the US most of us have any concept of the kind of poverty people in other countries face. In Mexico, there is no welfare, no medicaid, no social security, no food banks. In Mexico, if you don't have food, you don't eat. If you get sick and you don't have money to pay for medicine or go to the hospital, you either recover on your own or likely die. There is no safety net, as so many of us in the United States have grown up living with. In Juan Carlos's town, the average pay was around $10/day ($1 an hour). Most go without meat and sometimes eat tortillas with beans 3 times a day because there simply isn't enough money for anything else.

People who cannot earn enough to take care of their basic necessities tend to want to move. Wouldn't you? And oftentimes the opportunities to move up in their own country just aren't there. Not only is it difficult for children who have to work to focus on school, but there is also little hope for many of them that it will make any difference. Too many students continue on to graduate with a bachelor's degree only to become taxi drivers and waiters and never have an opportunity to use their education. Sometimes the jobs just simply are not available.

So, with little to no food, no hope of moving up, and stories about how in the US, you can earn as much in one hour as you do in Mexico in one day, naturally they shift their sights north toward the land of opportunity.

But why don't they come here legally? Why don't they play by the rules?

Good question. I'll tell you. According to current immigration law, there is essentially no way for someone without a very unique, special job (specialized chemical engineer, famous artist, priest) a million dollars to invest or a family member already in the US to get a visa to work/live in the United States. Just to travel to the United States on vacation, people are often required to show they have an investment, property, a business, or some compelling reason to return or they are not granted tourist visas (compare this to what US citizens have to do to travel to Mexico!) So, in short, people generally do not come here legally because they can't. It is either a wait time of anywhere from 10-30 years or there's not even a waiting list.

The US needs manual labor from other countries, but has failed to establish an effective system to legalize the process for workers from other countries to come, even temporarily, to do manual labor in the US. If there were no jobs to be had here, I can assure you no one would be risking their lives, leaving their family, and paying exorbitant amounts of money to make the trip. We've even seen it- the economic downturn has caused thousands to return to their home countries- why would they want to be poor and far away from home? But the reality is if they are coming, it's because there are jobs to be had and opportunities here they could never dream of in their home countries.

Rather than be the baker that slaps the wrist of the starving child and throws him in jail, might we, instead, be able to count our blessings and thank God that we inherited a bakery from our parents and never have to worry about what we're going to eat? Might we be the baker that sees a justice beyond what is in the law that man wrote and do what God would have us do? I believe with all my heart if that baker was Jesus and a starving child stole a piece of bread from him, Jesus would give him another piece.

Immigrants are not even stealing from us- their only "crime" is seeking opportunity, just as so many of our ancestors did so many years ago. Yet, like small children, we tell them "I was here first- this is MY country and I don't want to share it." We forget that nothing on this earth is ours, but that it is all God's. That we were given a gift and a responsibility to use it wisely...

May we see the stories of the people behind the faces of immigrants and may we approach this issue out of love and with hearts of generosity, rather than fear.

Today

When a couple loses an unborn first child, it's not just a matter of saying goodbye to that child, but also involves wondering whether God will ever bless them with any child to care for and raise and if God does bless them with another child, how will they get through those first several months until the risk of miscarriage goes down and they can be relatively sure this baby's going to stick around for awhile...

When I was 19, on my way to spend 4 months in Chile, the longest I had ever been away from my family, let alone my country, I started to freak out. My younger sister, ever-wise, told me "Don't think of it as 4 months, Janelle. Think of it as today. Just think of what you're doing right now- what you have to do in 5 minutes. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live today." I took her advice and I thought about checking in my bags, walking to the terminal, getting on the airplane and step by step, I spent an amazing four months of my life in one of the longest countries in the world and in focusing day by day, I think I made the most out of it that I possibly could have.

Before I got pregnant I was telling her how I didn't know how I'd be able to do it- 4 months to pass the 16 week mark when I lost Angelica, of worrying, of wondering of waiting....

Again, she told me, "You can't focus on the time Janelle. The time will pass. Focus on today. Today you are not pregnant. But when you are, each day you can wake up and say 'today I'm pregnant and just focus on that one day.'"

And again, I have taken her words to heart. I wake up in the morning, touch my belly and say, "Thank you, God, for another day with my baby- with our baby. "

It really gives me a sense of peace to see the blessing in what I've already been given because I already have something no one can ever take away from me. I have today- this moment- with my precious child- the child God has entrusted me with. I don't know how long this child will be with me here on earth, but I know God has given me today and that gift is all I could ever ask for.

First appointment and TRUST

So, I had my first appointment yesterday. I was really hoping to be able to hear the heartbeat, but they said it was still too early for the equipment they had to pick it up. I'll have to wait until our first ultrasound on October 21st.

My mom came with me since Juan Carlos had to work late - I am so grateful for her. I told her I was nervous and she gave me this, which she heard on a Catholic radio station she listens to regularly now.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

True
Resolve
Under
Severe
Testing

I certainly feel "tested" lately- from wondering if I am feeling "too good" for the first trimester to being worried about putting on too much weight too fast, I long for a sense of peace- that feeling that everything is going to be ok.

I know now, more than ever, that there are no guarantees- yet, I have to learn to get past that- peace does not come from guarantees that things will work out the way we want, but rather from trusting that regardless of what happens, God will be there.

May God being here with me nomatter what happens finally be enough to give me peace and may I have the faith I need to get through this, for faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1

My incredible husband

It would have been hard to imagine the first year we were married that I could ever feel this close to Juan Carlos or love him this much. Don't get me wrong- I loved him for sure- there are few other things that would compel a person to make a lifelong committment as profound as marriage out of their free will... but recently, I've just been blown away by his care and concern. His example makes me want to try harder and be better too and now I understand what this sacrament is supposed to be for people.

Even though he comes from a culture where it is not particularly "macho" to clean the house or make dinner, we agreed that since we both worked outside the home, we would both work inside the home as well. It wasn't always this way, but now he does more than his fair share. He takes care of the yard- even getting up early on his weekends to mow the lawn. He's also been helping to make or just making dinner on nights when I have to teach class in the evenings or just come home not feeling well.

I took a group of Latino students to a conference on Friday and Saturday and came home very late (12:30am) on Saturday night. I expected to find the house a mess since I knew Juan Carlos had friends over, with beer bottles and plates and ceviche remnants everywhere, but I was pleasantly surprised to see the kitchen was immaculate when I walked in.

When I went to the bedroom, it looked cleaner than when I had left and when I walked into the bathroom, I realized he had cleaned it all too. That alone was enough to make me want to cry in my state, but that wasn't all. He told me he had taken on another job on Sunday morning so he could make some money to take me out to dinner. And so, after staying up late Saturday night drinking with his brother and cousins, he got up early on Sunday morning and went to work.

And Sunday evening he took me out to dinner. All week I have been trying to mail a letter to my sister for her birthday and I ran out of stamps and haven't had a moment to even run and get some. He knew it was on my mind. So after dinner, while I took him mom home, he stopped at the store and got me stamps. It was so incredibly thoughtful and made me feel so loved.

Such seemingly small, seemingly unimportant things that make a world of difference for a relationship. It's not easy to be responsible or loving sometimes- a person would rather sit down on the couch and relax after work than cut up meat and vegetables and start cooking something. Most people would rather sleep in on a Saturday morning than go to work or work in the yard... but making the hard choice, doing the undesirable, responsible, loving thing instead brings you into such a deeper intimacy with the people you love. And that, in the end, really is worth it.

A new gift

Well, I have been away again for quite awhile. It's hard to even remember where August and September have gone. August flew by with entertaining chaperones and summer groups at work and enjoying a couple more barbeques before the end of summer. Juan Carlos, Jaime (Juan Carlos's cousin) and I all took a road trip to CA towards the end of August to visit Jaime's sister and her family and that was a great time. It was really a bonding experience for Juan Carlos and I to take time away. The family lives on this huge vineyard where Jaime's brother-in-law works, and it was so neat to just be out in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Carlos was thrilled to be out on a ranch where he could do some firing practice, and he got a little over ambitious and killed a rabbit, which I was not impressed with at the time, but he felt really guilty, so I didn't hold a grudge. And we ate the rabbit, so it felt a little more justified. We woke up to roosters crowing every morning and enjoyed all the different animals and grapes around us. It really reinforced our dream to live on a farm of our own someday.

Then came September.

On September 11th, 2008, a year ago, I found out I was pregnant with our little Angelica.

On September 12th, 2009, one year later, I found out I was pregnant with our second precious child.

Of course I cried and Juan Carlos cried when I told him. We were happy the first time of course, but after so much waiting and praying and wanting, this time was a joy just overflowing with gratefulness. I was and am so incredibly grateful for another chance to be parents. Every day when I wake up, I thank God for another day with this new child. I know there are so many people who would give anything just to get that postive pregnancy test and I feel so thankful just for that- such a simple, miraculous moment and each new day that God gives us.

It's a strange time right now- the doctors won't see me until I'm 8-9 weeks along, so I have no evidence everything is ok- I can't hear the heartbeat or see the baby for myself. I am closer to my baby than I'll ever be yet I have less evidence of how he or she is doing than I probably ever will... I can't help but think of the thousands of women over the years and through the world who didn't or don't have any fancy technology to reassure them- who only have their faith in God to get them from one day to the next. I try to think of them and I try not to worry... though lately it's been especially hard. I'm still so grateful, but I feel myself getting attached and getting scared to lose this baby too. Only the size of a blueberry and yet this tiny person has already captured my heart and I can only pray for the gift of being able to hold a healthy, living baby in my arms in May.

Please join me in this prayer. Please pray for peace for our family during this time of much excitement and yet much anxiety... I don't want to worry- I just want to love, but it's hard not to be afraid sometimes... Thank you for all your love and support. It means so much!

TGIF August 14th, 2009

I am thankful for:

• Drinking coffee and watching silly telenovelas with Juan Carlos
• Having a glass of wine and a heart to heart with my mom
• My coworkers and their support and encouragement
• My beautiful puppy (subject of a future post) that makes us laugh every day
• Sleeping in
• Being immersed in and surrounded by rich cultural diversity
• The discovery of natural/traditional Chinese medicine
• My faith
• Today

Horseback Riding!

Since we first met, Juan Carlos and I have been looking for somewhere to ride horses. Everything seemed to fall through. Now, 5 years later, through a connection at work we finally found someone who let us come out and ride. We went last night (the rain didn't stop us!) and it was wonderful!!

It was strange how after looking forward to it for so long, it just felt like "coming home"- it was so natural. It really affirmed our hopes to have a ranch and horses of our own in the future. In the meantime, this is such a blessing to enjoy! I will try to post pictures after we go again...

16 miles

A couple weekends ago, on August 1st, Juan Carlos had the awesome idea of going for a bike ride down the Chehalis Western Trail. He had gone with some friends a couple years back and they went far enough to find a river, where they all went swimming (this is the river that Juan Carlos wanted to walk to to propose to me until he realized it was a lot farther than he remembered since he was on a bike when he went and we were walking!!)

I had not been on a bike in probably 12 years (I know that is really sad, but true). We went to my parents' house and pulled the bike down from the ceiling of the garage and Juan Carlos borrowed a bike from a friend.

We made it a goal to reach the water and 8 miles down the way we did it (I was close to giving up but really wanted to get there)!! We went swimming and then rode 8 miles back. I couldn't believe we rode 16 miles after not having even been on a bike in so long. Our bums did not recover for a couple days but it was really fun. It's so important to me to continue to have new experiences together and I love taking advantage of summer and doing active things like this. Definitely something to make a habit of...

Where to start again?

Hi, I've taken a break from blogging because I found it was more hurtful than productive for me for awhile. The other blogs I read that used to bring me so much hope and inspiration became a means for comparison and I was growing more depressed and bitter, feeling that my life did not "measure up" somehow.

I think the break has been good for me- sometimes it's best for me to live without so much reflection. But I do want to write about some of the small things lately, so that I can capture for myself the ways God works in the details.

Though this very difficult period of suffering will hopefully pass soon, I have a feeling it won't be the last time I feel this way. I hope next time I face difficulty like this, I can find hope and peace in knowing that EVERYTHING, even the very small things, have a purpose and that eventually the sun does break through the clouds, even when it seems like the light will never come.

Thy Will Be Done

Ever since seeing The Passion of the Christ years ago when I was at Western, the story of Jesus and His suffering has taken on new meaning for me. I think film can be such a gift to the world in its ability to captivate us and help us to actually visualize the way some stories were or may have been.

One of the many compelling scenes that stood out to me was the opening scene, where Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, begging God to take this cup away but praying all the same "Your will be done."

I have said this same prayer at various crossroads in my life, some of the recent few being in times of waiting. Waiting to hear the VIN number was fine and we could take the truck back home, waiting to hear that the baby would be ok and it was all a big scare. I prayed in those moments over and over again, "Your will be done, Your will be done," sure that God's will would be my own, sure that in spite of my worry, everything would turn out ok.

I wonder if anyone else has ever prayed like me, begging God for His will to be done, and then had to face that moment of total shock and confusion when the news comes and it's not the miracle you thought you asked for.

I'm sure that in his humanness, Jesus, too would have preferred that God could save the world some other way- maybe He envisioned that at the moment of betrayal there in the garden, God could have Jesus escape his condemnation with a bold fight or by flying up above those who came to take him away. He could have disappeared and reappeared or worked some miracle to amaze and impress everyone with his power. That would have been story-worthy, proud, happy. That would have been grand and comfortable and marvelous.

There are so many ways that Jesus or his Blessed Mother could have, and maybe did, rewrite the story of salvation in their minds. In the end, though, their prayer was that God's will be done, and, as they are much holier than me, I imagine their prayer came out of a more sincere trust in God's will than my own.

I have been left questioning, though, if suffering is actually God's will. It seems that many people would say it is a part of God's plan and that it does lie somewhere in the dimension of Her plan for us, though I feel like it's normally talked about in a very general kind of way. Having a social justice background in me, I know that many times we take the "status quo" and "suffering" for granted as "God's will" when, in fact, it is our failure to our fellow human beings that causes much of the suffering and pain and hurt in the world.

Did God will Jesus to suffer? Was the way it all happened, specifically, with the betrayal and the rooster and the beatings and the cross all laid out in some all -purposeful plan long before Jesus was ever born into the world? We have analyzed and dissected every moment of recorded history in the last moments of this man's life, finding symbolism and meaning in every movement, but is it the only way this story could have gone that would have been as incredible?

Did God will Jesus to suffer or did God simply allow it? Some may say it's equally horrendous to will suffering or to allow it, but for me, there is a distinction. It is difficult for me to comprehend an all good and loving God imposing suffering on people to bring about a greater good. I suppose you could see it like a child being put in time out, where for them, it is suffering, but it is really for a bigger lesson than they can understand at the moment.

At the same time, if you follow my thought that God, being All Good and All Loving, does not impose suffering, but rather allows it, because God wants and is love and true love requires freedom and true freedom requires us to have free will and free will requires the possibility of making mistakes and has led us into a "fallen world" than I wonder if God really chose suffering for Jesus or rather allowed it, because love could not exist without an option to hate (or fear) and life would not exist without death and salvation without suffering would be meaningless. What is it then that we would be saved from, if not from suffering?

And I wonder if, in my own life, God has allowed suffering not because She wants to punish me before She rewards me or wants to teach me a lesson, but because She is sovereign over everything and just as She could bring salvation to the world through the brutal and tragic death of Her innocent son, She can bring good through this.

The key is in the prayer. "Thy will be done." Jesus prayed that, if possible, God take this cup from Him. All of us probably do the same and beg God to be spared from suffering, as it always hurts and more often than not, leaves scars that never fully disappear. But maybe Jesus's prayer, "Thy will be done" was less about asking God to change the circumstances and more about asking that God fulfill Her will in Jesus.

I have always had this secret thought that if you don't get what you pray for, then maybe you should change your prayer. It's helped me mature in my prayer life from asking for new toys to asking for blessings in the lives of loved ones. I thought I couldn't do better in a prayer than "Your will be done" How much closer can you get to what God wants of you? Yet, when I am shocked that God does not provide what I consider "justice" or does not save innocent lives, even my own baby girl, I must consider that His will is not only in the circumstances but in what He asks of me through the circumstances that face me.

Sometimes we're faced with bad news and I don't think it necessarily means we didn't pray enough or that God is intentionally "putting us through this" to "test us" or "see what we're made of" or teach us something. I think She allows it because true love has to allow it. As much as parents may want to put their children in cardboard boxes at a certain point to protect them from the world, to protect them from the suffering that is out there, doing that would not be the loving choice. When children walk, they can fall down, when they drive, they can get into accidents, when they date, they can get their hearts broken, when they get pregnant, they can lose their babies... but just as parents don't push their children down to show them how it feels, I don't think God inflicts pain just to put us through it.

Like a mom holds her child when he falls off his bike, so God does with us. Of course, his knee is still scraped- Mom can't make the scratch go away or make it instantly stop bleeding, as much as she would want to. The pain is still there- all she can do is hold him. And, God, though it's within His capacity to physically heal us, meets us in our broken world, with the relative and limited boundaries of science and smatterings of miracles to turn our attention toward the presence of divinity in our midst.

Hearing a baby's heartbeat, watching a kicking baby on an ultrasound, giving birth to a healthy, living baby is a miracle because each and every time, there is a real possibility there won't be a heartbeat, the baby won't move or the baby won't be born healthy or living. My aunts, my sisters in law, my friends, and even my mother celebrate their children as miracles because what happened to me and my baby was allowed to happen. Miracles wouldn't be miracles if they always happened. We have to see and experience suffering to appreciate the divine.

Thy will be done, I now pray more openly than ever before, knowing that the road may be long and suffering I never could have anticipated may await me, but it's less about what I'll go through and more about who you'll make me and how you'll use me on the journey. I don't know how I'll be able to give up my dreams of having children if that's what you ask of me, but until I can face my life without children, I will never be able to love them freely and openly as the gifts and blessings that they are. I don't know where I'm going, but I believe you'll be with me. Thy will be done, Lord. Thy will be done...in me.

Tienes esperanza?

Janelle: Juan Carlos, todavia tienes esperanza? (do you still have hope?)

Juan Carlos: Claro, Janelle. La esperanza es lo ultimo que muere. (Of course, Janelle. Hope is the last thing to die.)

Down again...

I have been sinking again lately. Every day there seems to be talk of yet another person who has gotten pregnant for the first, second or third time, while my turn never seems to come. All my prayers and tears over the past year have gotten me nowhere. People say to trust God and to give it to God. Part of me feels like I may be making it harder on myself by distancing myself, but part of me just really doesn't trust God anymore.

How could a God who loves me just watch as I face setback after setback, ignoring all my pleading and all my prayers and just leave me totally alone and abandoned. Nomatter how I look at it, I can't see why it's best this way. What good can come of so much pain? Last year at this time wondering what was wrong with me, only to find out months later I was pregnant and didn't know, and then to lose the baby... so much guilt and worry and heartache and now, a year later, here I am again, only this time it's even worse, because I have to carry the weight of so much hurt from the past year with me.

I want to hear an inspiring story of someone in a hard situation, who has much more perspective and optimism than me.

I want someone to teach me how to love my life for what it is and not always wish it were different.

I want someone to tell me that motherhood and having babies are not the only path to fulfillment- that there have been people who found happiness and meaning without that, just in case my worst fear comes true and I can never be a mother.

I want God to answer my prayers... more than I've ever wanted anything in my life... I want this answered prayer- something to renew my faith and give me a reason to hope again.

Loss and Life

I've been thinking lately about how the unanticipated or unwanted loss of unborn children reaffirms the value of life and the dignity of life at all stages. You may be wondering how exactly death reaffirms life. It's easy to see how the value of life is affirmed in the birth of babies, in glowing women expecting a child any day, in families enjoying life together... it's harder to see in loss.

But I can't help but think of how God uses a trial as difficult as losing a baby to show others the importance of life as well. I went to a couple support groups after losing Angelica and it really struck me how many people mourned their children as if they were just that- their children! Real babies and real lives waiting to enter the world - children awaiting a loving family and a life of hope. What a testament to life to talk of our unborn children and recognize their true existence and our true parenthood, even before seeing their beautiful faces or holding them in our arms. And I began to wonder- would our conversation seem foreign to "pro-choice" parents? Would they understand our grief? If so, does it seem strange to them that what was a very real "life" to us could be seen as a "non-life" to someone else?

Is it possible to come to terms with the idea that two babies of exactly the same age can have inherent dignity and value or not have that depending on their parent? I can think of examples of times when the value of human lives was left up for debate depending on who the players were (colonists and Native Americans, Nazis and the Jewish, the Hutus and the Tutsis). Somehow, though, it seems that we generally tend to look back on these times in history with shame and guilt, recognizing the utter lies perpetuating our ability to dehumanize people based on race or religion or language.

To many, wishing Juan Carlos a happy father's day or bringing Angelica into conversations may seem like a crazy, unnecessary reminder of one of the most painful experiences of our lives (not to mention uncomfortable for anyone else in the room at the time). But, to me, recognizing our parenthood and Angelica's life is a way of affirming the fact that we believe life begins from conception. If Angelica was not even a real "life" yet, than we wouldn't have much to cry about... but we do. I don't go around work posting flyers or proclaiming the fact we lost our child since it is not my intention to bring attention upon myself, but I am trying to catch myself when I say "I wish I could be a mother" or "I may never have a baby" because based on what I believe, I am a mother and I do have a baby- she's just not with me here.

Calling myself a mother may be controversial to some, since I have not put in the sacrifice of staying up long hours and changing dirty diapers and disciplining and teaching and balancing "family life" with other obligations, but I would only consider my sacrifice different- not necessarily less. There are many reasons I would rather have sleepless nights and dirty diapers in exchange for having my baby with me, but for reasons beyond my understanding right now, my sacrifice, my cross, was giving my precious child up completely.

Facing challenges to conceive again can also reffirm the pro-life movement, since so many people and couples are waiting with open arms to welcome a child into their home. I am one of them- I would more than happily adopt a baby without a second thought to the fact the child didn't come from our own genetic line. Yet, so many women who feel "unready" for one reason or another to give birth choose abortion instead, leaving longing couples empty handed and healthy children lifeless. It is truly tragic. I know the thought of having a child you give birth to out in the world and not knowing what becomes of him or her is uncomfortable, maybe even painful at times. It must be incredibly difficult to give a child up for adoption. But isn't it worth it to know there is a life in the world that wouldn't be there otherwise? And there are parents that may not be parents otherwise? True love is hard, but it is so so beautiful.

Since I was a little girl, I have always been an advocate for life and recent experiences have only strengthened my convictions. I think language goes a long way to shape our feelings and beliefs about people and so, if you believe as I do, that life begins from conception, I would encourage you also to examine your own language and see if it reflects that belief. How do you refer to the unborn or to children lost from the womb, whether they're your own or someone else's? How does your reaction to death reaffirm the value of one's life, however small? We have such an opportunity to use the sad and difficult experiences in our lives, as well as the joyful ones, to bring honor and respect to that which is truly important.